Hollywood-Tourist Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 As per the title, do you believe that no matter how good or bad at the way the relationship ended, you can be friends with your ex or would that be too awkward?
Lernaean_Hydra Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 Yes. But not only does a whole helluva lot of time have to pass beforehand but both parties have to be firmly over the other and whatever transpired over the course of the relationship. There can be no feelings whatsoever and neither of you can harbor either resentment or longing. 2
Missy0724 Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 You can be friends when both people feel a type of apathy; do not care if each other are dating other people. You don't feel sad, jealous or angry, etc. that the ex is with someone new. Because friends can, should be able to talk about anything. Once you can share and be ok with that kind of information, then perhaps it is "friendship". If and when you are truly happy for them, and ALL aspects of their life. That is when you will know! And yes, that takes time for all the emotions that were there from being involved romantically, to leave your system. It's different for everyone, and how involved the relationship was, and how the break up went down. Some end mutually. I've had that, and remained friends. Because we didn't get too emotionally invested. We can care about different people, differently, at different times in our lives. Others where I've loved deeply and passionately, not friends. No can do. Tried, but nope. Only exception is 1st love from high school - we reconnected after 20 years and are friendly, but not "friends" per se. Acquaintances. And I'm very happy for him that he has a wonderful wife, kids, etc. Case by case... 2
BC1980 Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 Friends with an ex is more like acquaintances on good terms. It's usually not a true friendship from what I've seen and experienced. 8
Ordinaryday Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 even if you could.... provided you with dumped.... why would you want to?? why on earth would I want to continue to associate with someone who effectively said I was not good enough to be their romantic partner??? no thanks! 1
Hello201 Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 Maybe , But never if the other cheated on you , how could you be friends with someone you don't trust ? Its her birthday today , she's with him on a " short break" This was planned while we were together . he was a " friend" ha
Ordinaryday Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 even if you ARE (or claim to be) "friends" it is usually only in the loosest sense of the word. I consider a friend someone I regularly associate with, hang out with, text, chat to, offer support to, etc. I have never heard of exes doing this after breakup. those who claim to be friends often simply mean that they will be courteous if they bump into each other, make small talk, and maybe exchange a text message or two once a year. to me that is not a "friendship". that is an acquaintance AT BEST. 7
Mittens Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 It depends. Mainly on how the break up was handled. If the person ending the relationship did it in a calm way, didn't insist on being friends straight away and honoured NC, then yes, I think it is possible after a length of time has passed. If there has ever been any violence, then no, never. From my own personal experience, it can only be possible when neither person is emotionally affected when the other is a new romantic relationship. And even then I'm talking about a 'occasionally send a text message or talk on Facebook' friendship, not a deep close relationship. I'd also recommend NC for at least 6 months. 1
tim_tom Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 (edited) I can't imagine why anyone would want to do that .. tbh . what is the point ? Why would you want to be friends (or even think about it) a year+ from now? By the time I reached a state of not caring, I'll do just that not care... I can't imagine why I'd think to myself I should call her to go grab dinner Edited September 11, 2014 by tim_tom
Ordinaryday Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 I can't imagine why anyone would want to do that .. tbh . what is the point ? Why would you want to be friends (or even think about it) a year+ from now? By the time I reached a state of not caring, I'll do just that not care... I can't imagine why I'd think to myself I should call her to go grab dinner there lies the inherent contradiction within a lot of the advice about how you can only be friends with you ex when you have no feelings for them at all.... if you reach the stage where you have no feelings for them AT ALL why on earth would you desire a friendship with them??? 1
mightycpa Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 I can't imagine why anyone would want to do that .. tbh . what is the point ? Why would you want to be friends (or even think about it) a year+ from now? Well, that's exactly the conundrum. First, you'd have to reach a stage of indifference, where not having a relationship doesn't matter to you. But friendship requires more than indifference - an indifferent friend isn't much of a friend, right? So then that gets in the way. I think you can be civil, you can talk and laugh, but when it is all said and done, neither of you will call the other the next day. Acquaintance is about right. I can't imagine how you'd be best buddies or lifetime pals. 1
tim_tom Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 there lies the inherent contradiction within a lot of the advice about how you can only be friends with you ex when you have no feelings for them at all.... if you reach the stage where you have no feelings for them AT ALL why on earth would you desire a friendship with them??? I can't imagine indifference even holding up if I'm texting and hanging out with her all the time like I would a friend. I'd have to imagine it would spark feelings again.
Ordinaryday Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 I can't imagine indifference even holding up if I'm texting and hanging out with her all the time like I would a friend. I'd have to imagine it would spark feelings again. it happened to me. with one ex (ages ago) I THOUGHT I was truly over her because I had been away from her for so long and she contacted me asking if we could be friends... I said yes thinking I could do it.... but then talking to her again brought up HEAPS of old painful memories I thought I was past and made me realise I still had feelings for her and it set me back to day one. honestly unless there is some reason you HAVE to stay in contact with your ex, like kids, it is best just to sever ties completely. 4
Author Hollywood-Tourist Posted September 11, 2014 Author Posted September 11, 2014 She was the one who suggested that we could be friends still even though I'm still an emotional wreck. She doesn't seem to understand that I don't want to be friends (that would feel weird), I just want to be her fiancé again, be what we were. 1
Ordinaryday Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 She was the one who suggested that we could be friends still even though I'm still an emotional wreck. She doesn't seem to understand that I don't want to be friends (that would feel weird), I just want to be her fiancé again, be what we were. you need to be firm. if she keeps hassling you with this 'lets stay friends' crap text her once with "hey sorry but I cant be 'just friends' with you. I have respected your wish to break up with me, so please respect mine by leaving me alone to heal. please dont contact me unless it is about us getting back together". a message like that says IT ALL, you are telling her where you stand. then ignore EVERYTHING she sends you after that unless she states she wants you back. 2
Author Hollywood-Tourist Posted September 11, 2014 Author Posted September 11, 2014 A message like that says IT ALL, you are telling her where you stand. But would a message like that from her mean that she is once again calling all the shots, the fact that she mentions that we can still be friends (without considering whether I would even want to be?) I just feel that she is being a bit controlling.
Author Hollywood-Tourist Posted September 11, 2014 Author Posted September 11, 2014 If you reach the stage where you have no feelings for them AT ALL why on earth would you desire a friendship with them??? Exactly! This is what confuses me because my fiancé has told me that she still loves & cares for me but then says she knows that we can be friends??!! She's said we can still go out for dinner together and for walks etc which is some of the things we did as a couple. Make your mind up love.
Ordinaryday Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 But would a message like that from her mean that she is once again calling all the shots, the fact that she mentions that we can still be friends (without considering whether I would even want to be?) I just feel that she is being a bit controlling. that's why you need to tell her where YOU stand. text her with: "Im not prepared to be 'just friends' with you. please dont contact me unless it is about us getting back together" then IGNORE anything else she contacts you about unless she says she wants you back. this is you taking control and moving on! or you could try being "just friends" with her which will completely ease her guilt and allow her to feel great while you feel like total crap and if you "stay friends" on facebook watch out for the day she gets a new boyfriend and posts about how much she loves him, on her facebook timeline, and posts about how awesome he is and posts photos of them together and maybe even photos of that kissing! I stupidly tried to "stay friends" with an ex (after she asked me to) and this is exactly what happened and it ALMOST KILLED ME. Dont put yourself through that.
d0nnivain Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 You can be friendly / civil but not great friends. I have an EX. We broke up in 1992. We occasionally bump into each other through work & will chat for a few minutes, perhaps grab a coffee/ soda but that's as far as it goes. I have another EX, We broke up in 2002. (I guess 2 years are bad for me) We'll chat when we bump into each other. Through the grape vine I heard he was looking for a particular rare service a few years back. I knew of one & sent him an email about it. He said thanks. That was it. There is no way to maintain the level of emotional intimacy that existed before the break up. You can't really hang out You don't exactly want a front row seat to their new love life. 2
Ordinaryday Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 Exactly! This is what confuses me because my fiancé has told me that she still loves & cares for me but then says she knows that we can be friends??!! She's said we can still go out for dinner together and for walks etc which is some of the things we did as a couple. Make your mind up love. here's the thing: the person who makes the suggestion of "staying friends" is ALWAYS the person less invested in the relationship so being "just friends" is easy for them because THEY DONT WANT A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU. Being "just friends" is NOT easy for you because YOU WANT A RELATIONSHIP. And remaining in contact with her as a "friend" is completely one-sided and will delay you getting over her. to be blunt, it is an incredibly selfish thing of her to ask of you. 6
Author Hollywood-Tourist Posted September 11, 2014 Author Posted September 11, 2014 that's why you need to tell her where YOU stand. text her with: "Im not prepared to be 'just friends' with you. please dont contact me unless it is about us getting back together" then IGNORE anything else she contacts you about unless she says she wants you back. Yes, I am prepared to be frank with her and tell her that I do not wish to hear from her unless it's about us getting back together. That should prompt her enough to know that I am now taking charge & am serious by what I'm saying. Well she blocked & unfriended me and my family on Facebook about a week after we had the fight, so in a way it's a good thing that I'm not able to look at her page or feel the urge to want to look at it. I think she will be on her own for a while & if I ever saw her with someone else, I would totally flip, absolutely flip. 1
d0nnivain Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 This is what confuses me because my fiancé has told me that she still loves & cares for me but then says she knows that we can be friends??!! She's said we can still go out for dinner together and for walks etc which is some of the things we did as a couple. Make your mind up love. She is trying to ease her conscience for hurting you. She doesn't want you back but she feels bad that you are in pain. She's like to make you feel better but doesn't understand what she's offering makes it worse. 3
Author Hollywood-Tourist Posted September 11, 2014 Author Posted September 11, 2014 here's the thing: the person who makes the suggestion of "staying friends" is ALWAYS the person less invested in the relationship so being "just friends" is easy for them because THEY DONT WANT A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU. But she was the one who approached me the very first time we met online funnily enough & I would say she was persistent on trying to be in a relationship even early on into us dating therefore putting a sense of pressure on me to fulfil that. And remaining in contact with her as a "friend" is completely one-sided and will delay you getting over her. to be blunt, it is an incredibly selfish thing of her to ask of you. Indeed. She is being very selfish here & as you say this is very much one-sided. She's not taking into account my emotional state & the fact that I STILL harbour feelings for her, the same feelings I have always had for her - nothing's changed emotionally from my point of view in terms of how I feel about her (except feeling a bit angry at her violent behaviour.) I don't know what to do.
Author Hollywood-Tourist Posted September 11, 2014 Author Posted September 11, 2014 She is trying to ease her conscience for hurting you. She's like to make you feel better but doesn't understand what she's offering makes it worse. Anything to make her feel better, she doesn't give a stuff about how I feel. She's actually insensitive to the whole breakup and is playing the 'I'm the victim' card but is forgetting that I am more the victim in this. 2
frigginlost Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 I guess I'm an outcast. :-) I'm very good friends with my ex-wife. We were together 20 years and married for 17 of them. We talk once or twice a week, and remain very close. But! It was close to a year and a half after the divorce that we started communicating. It's been three years since the divorce now, and the key is indifference. Once you reach that point, your brain just does not feel those intimate feelings it once did toward your once significant other. My ex is happily living with her new boyfriend, and it does not bother me in the least. A "mid-life crisis" drove her to divorce me and while I was absolutely devastated, life does move on...
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