Dating a 30 year old Virgin

[Second base kid]

Hi there!

I want to share my case; It's kind of weird but you know how this is... whenever you get into a new relationship you can always get surprised and feel ....let's say...weird...

I'm 34 years old and I got divorced 2 years ago, it was tough at the beginning but after I while everything went ok.

Since I left my wife I hadn't really gotten into a serious relationship, I actually dated a couple of girls since I got divorced but nothing serious; well that was until I met my current girlfriend, let me tell you a little bit about her.

She's 30, she's cute and she’s completely different from my ex-wife... that should sound good enough considering I left her because she cheated on me and got pregnant from another guy, (sorry I had to mention that), going back into the story, my girlfriend is in other words is a good girl she likes to share with her family, she has a good job and she seems to love me she's actually very lovely and let's say romantic.. Sounds good so far uh?

The thing is; We have been going out for six months and during this time everything seems to work well between us, we go out we, get together with her friends and mine, from the outside we may look as a perfect couple; but here is the thing... she says she's still a virgin, I really have my doubts about it (sorry if I sound like a jerk) I don't know what to think, I have even thought that something bad happened to her or that she had a really bad experience, sometimes I believe her, she really seems to be a good girl... but trust me I don't know what to think.

We have spoken about it several times, I have even asked her if she had at least felt curious about sex.... she said that she has just dated jerks that only wanted to have sex with her over the years.

This is what she says and it's really uncomfortable for me, since she seems to be afraid of having sex. It's been a year since I met her, and We have been going out as a couple for six months, and so far I can say that we have just gotten second base; whenever things get hot she backs up.... guys you know what it feels like when it happens... ladies please explain me why you do that. She knows my story and as we have spoken we are not teenagers anymore; I know she's a good, responsible, caring woman, I can say many good things about her but this thing, the sex thing it's really getting complicated because I don't want to make her feel I'll leave her if we don't have sex, but as I said we are not teenagers anymore, she says she loves me and I want to believe this is true, I’ve asked her if she's waiting till getting married or something but she says that it will happen when she feels ready... the question is When will that moment come? My friends tell me to leave her, that maybe she's hiding something; I don't know what to think.

I would like to know what you think about this, cause I'm really confused I feel stupid sometimes; ladies is this normal? I'll be looking forward to your comments.

[doeblin]

Oh boy, she is special.

 

Yeah, it does sound like she had a really bad experience.

 

You have to know whether you have the patience for this kind of stuff.

She might even need therapy.

 

 

I know I would leave if the lady was this prudish.

[Assasda]

This shouldnt be number 1 for you man, you should respect the girls wishes.

It'll happen if you ramp up the tension, and have no expectations.

IF thats what youre actively seeking all the time it wont happen.

 

I dont know what 2nd base is anymore. But be content with that. If youre content it'll happen.

 

Sounds like you guys still dont know each other that well, since after 2 months youre a little skeptical about her virginity. Build a stronger deeper relationship, instead of a shallow one where she looks good on your arm, then it'l happen

[SJC2008]

She's well past the age of a "late bloomer" so she probably has seri sexual intimacy issues that won't get better without help.

 

I'm male, almost 33 and have suffered from shyness my whole life. It's gotten better but it's still there and is mostly situational (offices, classrooms). When I was 19 I was late to class and I seen everyone inside and I couldn't walk in so I kept going. That being said I still had my first sexual exp that year with a woman 8 years my senior. I lost my virginity three years later at 22. So if a man with crippling shynesss can lose his v given that it's much easier for women to have sex there must be an underlying issue. She doesn't even know if she likes sex because she won't habe it and there's a strong chance she won't.

 

You need to think hard about what your needs are and how much you want to invest.

[Dork Vader]

Okay it's one thing to wait until marriage. It's one thing to habe a had bad experience. It's one thing to be what ever..

 

But if at the age of 30 she has not met someone she thought was deserving there are some serious issues going on. Who knows what is going on but by age 30 she has been exposed to enough dating to have met a few non-douchy dudes that were deserving.

 

She needs to seek therapy ASAP. You don't have to leave her. If you love her then by all means stay. But she needs to start moving the ball forward whether it's marriage, therapy or what ever. She is 30 for crying out loud. Life is to short to wait for the knight in shing armor. If she hasn't figurd that out something is seriously wrong.

 

I think you need to sit her down and straight out tell her it's time she see a therapist or be honest with you. But either way you're not going to wait around ankther 6 months on this "i have not me the right dude" bs. She's either waiting for marriage, seriously damaged or full of crap and lying to you.

 

This is not normal..

[mightycpa]

If she's not letting you even touch her there, or she's not touching you, there is a problem in her head.

 

I suppose it would be one thing not to allow penetration. But to stop you at the waist, that is something else entirely.

 

There's always something wrong with everybody, AMIRITE?

[GoBlue]

I am not sure what you mean when you say "we aren't teenagers any more?" Teenagers are not known for self-control. Do you think that because you are "mature adults" that sex is expected and that she should be willing to do it? Is she motivated by spiritual or religious commitments? Contrary to popular belief, not everyone in our culture is jumping in the sack with every boyfriend/girlfriend that they go out with.

 

If you are truly interested in a relationship then you should honor her wishes and not push the envelope. You should know by personal experience, that sex is definitely important in marriage but certainly not everything. By the way, I am a dude who is in his late forties and divorced as well. My earnest hope is to find someone I want to share my life with. I have discovered that when a relationship is built on a solid foundation (friendship and commitment), the sexual aspect usually takes care of itself. A relationship, however, with sex as its focus usually ends up being filled with all kinds of problems.

 

If you give her security and show her that you aren't just interested in her for sex, your communication should go deeper. This will give her the opportunity to share if there is something from her past that has damaged her view of men. You should also be very honest to her about how you feel because all true intimacy is built on honest and open communication.

[Second base kid]

Hi, Thanks for your reply.

Yes, she allows some contact down there, but whenever things are getting hotter she stops, and says "Not here not, Now"... that's the frustrating part... she seems to want it but she also seems very scared about it.

[ascendotum]

I'd also have my doubts that she is a virgin. "... she said that she has just dated jerks that only wanted to have sex with her over the years.". A girl who is into dating jerks (assuming they really were and she just doesn't descibe any guy who wants sex within the month as a 'jerk') from her teens and in her 20s and never let any of these dates or bfs have sex with her, I wouldn't believe it. If she actually went for these more assertive guys for the last 14 yrs and somehow managed to hold them off from having sex, then she certainly has issues when it comes to sex. I agree with your friends over her not being totally honest. Its been over 6 mths and all you get are make out sessions so you wont come off looking like a sex only jerk if you were to leave her over this. Lots of guys would be walking in the absence of any real reason for the reluctance and no timeline for when she will be ready.

 

How would she feel if you held back on telling her your feelings/love for her until some indeterminate time in the future you felt ready. Its up to you how much you see her as a great catch and are prepared to wait for her to be ready, and even then, is it only going to be a special treat thing in the future and is she going to be stiff & detached & a bit squeamish in bed. Who knows, and how important is a great sex life for you when it comes a LTR.

[SJC2008]

Excuse my French but if you're getting her hot/wet ans she's stopping you she's got better staying power than most women or she's got a serious hangup. Is she stopping you before this "threshold"?

[Second base kid]

Excuse my French but if you're getting her hot/wet ans she's stopping you she's got better staying power than most women or she's got a serious hangup. Is she stopping you before this "threshold"

 

well actually... yes whenever that happens she just stops and the thing is that it is very difficult to be alone with her, due to my job we just see each other a couple days a week, I don't live alone so whenever she gets to my place there is always people around. When we are alone at my place she says she's affraid some might come in...;the same thing happens at her place, the things is that she doesn't live alone either and she

[Second base kid]

Excuse my French but if you're getting her hot/wet ans she's stopping you she's got better staying power than most women or she's got a serious hangup. Is she stopping you before this "threshold"

 

well actually... yes whenever that happens she just stops and the thing is that it is very difficult to be alone with her, due to my job we just see each other a couple days a week, I don't live alone so whenever she gets to my place there is always people around. When we are alone at my place she says she's affraid some might come in...;the same thing happens at her place, the things is that she doesn't live alone she lives with her brother so she won't kick him out in order to get some time alone for ourselves.

It is weird I know... it seems I'm against the odds... at least in this area other than that everything works well...

[Second base kid]

well actually... yes whenever that happens she just stops and the thing is that it is very difficult to be alone with her, due to my job we just see each other a couple days a week, I don't live alone so whenever she gets to my place there is always people around. When we are alone at my place she says she's affraid some might come in...;the same thing happens at her place, the things is that she doesn't live alone she lives with her brother so she won't kick him out in order to get some time alone for ourselves.

It is weird I know... it seems I'm against the odds... at least in this area other than that everything works well...

[doeblin]

Why would her brother go into her bedroom when you are there together?

 

The thing is she wants to know whether you are not a jerk before having sex with you. That's legit. BUT you've been dating for SIX MONTHS, she should know already that you are not a jerk.

That's why we think that she is just making excuses ("I want to know you're not a jerk"; "We need to be completely alone"; "Waiting for the perfect moment"). It seems like she has a serious psychological problem with sexual intimacy. It might need therapy, couples counseling or something. Talk to her. Don't pressure her though.