Superman2024 Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 Generally, how long should a guy wait to approach a girl after she's went through a breakup from a serious relationship? What about contacting one of her friends or family members to gauge this? In this case, her relationship was about eight months and it seemed serious enough that I wouldn't have been surprised to see them get engaged. Back when she was just starting this relationship I had expressed an interest in her. I didn't know she was seeing someone at the time, so it was just bad timing for me. She told me two different times that she'd let me know if it didn't work out. Over the next three months we chatted a bunch online, but just as friends because she wanted to respect the relationship she was in. In one of my last messages to her I had brought up something that upset her and made me question my own interest in her. I apologized and it seemed to end on a fairly positive note. I haven't contacted her for five months and now it appears she's out of that relationship. I want to make sure and handle this right since I still have an interest.
Mister Zen Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 One thing I learned about the dating game from being a PUA in my 20's is that if a woman sees value in you.. then you can get away with almost anything. At the same time, if she doesn't see value.. you can give her the moon and she will still reject you. This is why wife beaters and other abusive men often keep their women while nicer men get run over. I guess the point I'm making here is be real and be you. If that's not enough then she isn't worthy. Don't pretend to have higher morals than you really do. Don't hide your agenda. Just lay it all out and she will take it or leave it. 2
doeblin Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 I guess the point I'm making here is be real and be you. If that's not enough then she isn't worthy. Don't pretend to have higher morals than you really do. Don't hide your agenda. Just lay it all out and she will take it or leave it. Well, yeah... but if you've read the break-up section on loveshack you could see that many people behave out-of-character after a breakup. Anyway, send her a non-boring text and observe her response. Chat her up. Build some banter. If she's not elusive or aloof then ask her to meet for a coffee. If her breakup was last week it might be too soon though. (Unless if you want to be her rebound.)
mightycpa Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 It somewhat depends on whether or not she dumped him or if she got dumped. If she's the dumper, I'm thinking the very next day. If the dumpee, then maybe you reach out with an "I've been thinking about you", but hold off for a while. You do have to be careful of the whole roller-coaster thing, the jealous ex who will woo her back from you only to dump her again later, the rebound, etc. I guess the bottom line is that you don't want to pursue her while she's emotionally ****ed up. There's no telling when that will end. I think five months is enough time to reach out, whatever the situation. Do pay attention to what she says. I'd ask her about the breakup. If she starts telling you every little detail, then it is too soon.
Author Superman2024 Posted September 11, 2014 Author Posted September 11, 2014 It appears the breakup happened in just the last couple of days. I always got the impression she was more into him than he was into her. She was constantly posting pictures of them on FB and saying how lucky she was, while he never posted anything. If I had to guess I'd say he dumped her, but I should probably find out for sure. I'm guessing her emotions are pretty high right now. If I contact her now I'm afraid it will look like I was just waiting to pounce. I should probably wait a week or two.
mightycpa Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 Well, you could always go with the old: YOU: "I heard you just had a breakup, and I wanted to see how you're feeling" Option 1: HER: "Oh, I love him so much, I don't know what I'm going to do" YOU: "He's an idiot. You're great. You hang in there, and I'll check back in a few weeks. Talk to your friends, it will help you. Don't give up your self respect. I'm rooting for you, and I know you'll be ok soon. Stay strong!" Don't get friendzoned, and express your interest subtly. Option 2: HER: "I had to dump that creep. He was all this and that, you know?" YOU: "Music to my ears, baby! Let's go do something to celebrate your new freedom!" What's the harm in saying hello now? 1
doeblin Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 It appears the breakup happened in just the last couple of days. Read the breakup section on loveshack, so you might have an idea how people feel after they've been dumped out of the blue. A week or two might not be enough. She could be depressed & grieving for months. Having said that... I don't know her, I don't know her ex-bf, and I don't know what's the case here. So anything could happen. You have to have enough social intuition to gauge the situation.
TheyCallMeOx Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 With a woman who has gone through a recent breakup, approaching her isn't the problem. The acceptable amount of time to approach her is not something you should be worried about. What you SHOULD be worried about is what happens AFTER you approach her. You definitely want to let your intentions be known at some point, but you have to be open to the possibility that she won't be dating anytime soon. What you don't want to do is approach a woman, she says she's hurt and needs some time, and you just string yourself along hoping one day she'll click back to normal and be like "okay, let's go on a date." That could be months, maybe even years, depending on how traumatizing the experience was. If you put yourself in the picture too soon, you and her may talk, and she'll start talking about her ex boyfriend with you. You might take it as her being interested in you, but it's actually not; she just wants someone to talk to. In the end, things can get really confusing if you're too involved in her life. What I tell women who have recently been heart broken is I tell them that I'm romantically interested in them, and that I'm willing to give some advice if you feel like you have no one else to talk to. However, I'm not interested in a friendship with you; I'm interested in a relationship. If you're not interested me, just let me know and I'll leave you alone. If you are, just let me know when you're ready to get back into dating, and I'll set something up. Just be direct and honest. Approach her when you want, but don't get up all in her business. Give her tons of space, and don't be emotional support thinkin' it's gonna increase your chances with her. Been there, done that. Hope this helps.
Assasda Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 Youre doing way too much thinking and less action. I dont think its going to work for you OP until you take this woman off the pedestal that you already have her on. Just by reading your post, I can sense that if this girl spat in your face, you'd apologize to her for doing so. I think you should work on youself, yourself worth before approaching this girl, if she's a quality girl that is. If you genuinely think she isnt a quality girl, ask her out
Destined2B Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 OP, do you not have better options than attached women and rebound relationships? Leave her to grieve and let her get back to you when she is ready.
Author Superman2024 Posted September 11, 2014 Author Posted September 11, 2014 I appreciate all the feedback. I'll try and gauge the situation the best I can and go from there.
elseaacych Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 The general consensus around here is to let the other person grieve the loss of their old relationship. Some studies say that it's awesome to hop back into a relationship to get over the other person. I am on the fence about it. Personally, if I were in your shoes, I would express interest in her, and treat her friendly for a few days or so while you gauge her potential interest, and then ask her out. But don't really expect anything of it, because her head may well be all over the place.
d0nnivain Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 Do not get her friends & family involved. If her friends are mutual friends of yours it would be OK for you to ask how she's doing but don't probe other people much more than that. How long to wait depends on the person. I'd give her some time to grieve & perhaps ask her for a date the next time you see her out & having fun
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