In love with a girl who doesn't date

[card]

Just to be clear- I'm not sure it's really love since accordin to most people with experience, 17 is too young to know. It sure feels like it but don't take my word.

 

 

Well, let me begin... I've known this girl since about march and ever since then we've been best friends. I'm her only close guy friend and I know more about her than anyone else, excluding her mom whom she shares everything with. She's very flirty with a lot of guys including myself. I feel like she was much more so at first but that could just be me being pessimistic. Doesn't matter. She's never had sex and has never dated. She has done some unname sexual things but considering her incredibly above-average appearance I don't blame her for taking advantage of it. Not so much recently, though.

 

Anyway, she's very unusual in what I think is mostly a good way. Everyone pressures her into hanging out with the popular kids but she hasn't done anything like that since her freshman year (she's a junior now) because, well... shes kind of a huge nerd. Just very lucky genetically.

 

Sorry if I'm being too detailed; I just don't want to chance skipping anything important. Well, my current situation with her is texting with her daily and hanging out usually at least once a week. We get along so well it's incredible. She tells me about how basically everyone in the school has asked her out and how she never accepts, of course. I don't dare ask her because a few other guys became her friend (though not nearly as close as I am to her) but botched it because they popped the question.

 

I hadn't discovered my real feelings for her until about two weeks ago when she called some guy hot and I became extremely jealous. I guess I've always liked her a little since that sort of thing mildly bothered me but she could actually tell I was upset this time. I'm not too sure she's good at reading me because the only reason I would be upset about that is if I liked her. She suspects nothing, or a least is very good at playing dumb.

 

As I said, there's some flirting between us but nothing serious. She's called me things like cute and hot and I return the words in a manner more suited to my less-spontaneous nature... Still in a pretty obvious way, though.

 

One thing that definitely deserves mentioning is that her parents were also best friends since high school and decided to marry before even dating. Once she did suddenly joke about us getting married so maybe she's thinking a similar thing.

 

Once a guy saw us hanging out as we always are and told us that we should date already, and her response was "Yeah, I'd date him. He seems like a nice guy." This was a while ago. Whenever anyone asks if we're dating I usually keep quiet and she of course says "no" but it's always in a tone that sounds disappointed, instead of a quick "haha no" sort of way. It's hard to tell.

 

A lot of things point to her liking me but she just seems to considered a friend. I think I'm being really obvious about my feelings towards her and she's completely oblivious.

 

Sorry for the super drawn-out post with unnecessary details. I'm just hoping for some advice as this forum has never failed me.

Thanks a bunch in advance for even reading this far.

 

PS- normally I would be okay with waiting l see how things happen naturally but each day I grow more anxious and I don't think I can take it anymore.

[mightycpa]

One thing that definitely deserves mentioning is that her parents were also best friends since high school and decided to marry before even dating.

 

That's just friggin' weird. oh wait, I get it. They did date before marriage, they just decided that they would be married. Actually, I knew the day I met my wife that I'd marry her. She had no clue. So, I take back the weird comment.

 

Anyway, no matter.

 

She does some sexual stuff with people she hasn't dated, but not all the way.

 

She told somebody she would date you. Other guys have asked her out, and she's said no. She told somebody she would date you. - |

^------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|

 

See that connection there?

 

Hmm.... I think I missed the part where you asked her out.

 

I really think you're afraid, because, if you do, YOU'LL GET AN ANSWER.

 

Don't be afraid. Fortune favors the bold. Just ask her out. Take her somewhere that you wouldn't ordinarily go. A football game at school. Buy her something. A meal. A trinket. A ride on the ferris wheel. I don't know. Something.

 

17... it is time.

Edited September 11, 2014 by mightycpa

[Mister Zen]

The main thing I learned about the dating game when I was a PUA in my 20's was that women don't like chickens. In other words.. a man who wants something but doesn't take action is not attractive.

 

You have to be willing to crash and burn. You have to ask her out. You have to go in for the kiss. You have to touch her a lot.

 

If you don't someone else will.

 

Another stupid thing about the dating game is most women think "love happens fast" and they like to label men. So if you don't put yourself in the "sex/dating" category early.. she'll friend zone you and leave you there.

 

I was once told by a girl I was friends with for 8 years after making a move that: "I've known you too long to sleep with you". Yet she would sleep with some random stranger she knows nothing about after a night of drinking. And this girl wasn't picky. She would sleep with almost anyone. But not me, because she already labeled me as "friend". I cut off all contact with her after that. But you get the point.

Edited September 11, 2014 by Mister Zen

[doeblin]

Dude, you're a wuss.

Don't worry though, many cool guys were wimps when they were teenagers.

 

Just ask her out already. And by this, I don't mean a wussy "Would you like to be my gf?" kind of question ... most of it has to go through meta-communication. Do you ever hold hands? Do you ever kiss? Do you touch each other? Take the steps, and observe her response.

 

You might be too far in the friendzone though. But if you want to go forward, just take the steps forward!

 

 

 

edit: oh i see we are on the same page with mightycpa and mister zen

Edited September 11, 2014 by doeblin

[card]

Hold up... I'm not sure I was really clear about this. She doesn't have any kind of romantic interest at all as far as I can see. She's obviously not asexual but at least at this point she's definitely not looking to date. I know the "wuss" thing to do is to just tell her I like her so that's probably not gonna happen. Even if I did I'm not expecting any positive or negative response. I'm thinking she saying that she would date me was just a hypothetical but there's no way to be sure with her. I want to play it safe but not for too long. Actually... If she's anything like her mother then there's no real expiration date for this kind of thing. What I meant about her parents is that they never dated. Friends since early high school and when they graduated they decided to get married. Happiest couple ever right now.

 

I forgot to mention that she told me about her "friend zone" and how even that is nearly impossible to get into, and that she doesn't even have a dating zone. Weird,

but I didn't expect anything different.

 

 

Added note... Yeah, there is quite a bit of contact when we're together. No holding hands or anything so suggestive but she grabs my shoulder and that kind of thing. I'm not sure it's an important fact because I just think that's her nature and it doesn't specifically pertain to me.

Edited September 11, 2014 by card

[doeblin]

I forgot to mention that she told me about her "friend zone" and how even that is nearly impossible to get into, and that she doesn't even have a dating zone. Weird,

but I didn't expect anything different.

 

 

Added note... Yeah, there is quite a bit of contact when we're together. No holding hands or anything so suggestive but she grabs my shoulder and that kind of thing. I'm not sure it's an important fact because I just think that's her nature and it doesn't specifically pertain to me.

 

 

 

What she says is one thing, what she thinks & how she behaves are something else.

 

 

The question is:

 

Do you want to date her?

 

 

If yes, then do the moves.

[mightycpa]

I'm thinking she saying that she would date me was just a hypothetical but there's no way to be sure with her.

 

You are discounting the most obvious way. Don't tell her that you like her. Just ask her out. Quit making excuses. Worst case is that you're right. She won't hate you for being right.

 

Then you can go cry in your chocolate milk for a while, and then move on with your head held high, knowing you did the manly thing.

[doeblin]

I know the "wuss" thing to do is to just tell her I like her so that's probably not gonna happen.

 

Telling her you like her is less wussy than sulking in the friendzone. But yeah, it's better to show than tell.

[angel.eyes]

The obvious way to let someone know you like her? Ask her out.

 

The obvious way to find out if someone likes you? Yup, you got it. Ask her out. Flirt with her first. Unless you get a negative response, ask her out.

 

Tentativeness? Hand wringing delays? Awkward swipes at kissing me when I'm not even aware you like me? Definitely not appealing.

[Assasda]

OP is deep in the friendzone.

 

OP you are basically her gay-bestfriend.

which means, she has no romantic interest in you

- Youve convinced yourself that her parents were this way before, and thats how they met, when you no nothing about how they did things. Thats completely week.

 

If OP asked her out, they'd just go out as friends, because OP is a wuss.

 

What you do, if she's a quality girl and you'd like to get with her, is you separate yourself from her, and you stop being her "gay-bestfriend"

 

It also would help if you see other women

[mightycpa]

OP is deep in the friendzone.

 

OP you are basically her gay-bestfriend.

which means, she has no romantic interest in you

- Youve convinced yourself that her parents were this way before, and thats how they met, when you no nothing about how they did things. Thats completely week.

 

If OP asked her out, they'd just go out as friends, because OP is a wuss.

 

What you do, if she's a quality girl and you'd like to get with her, is you separate yourself from her, and you stop being her "gay-bestfriend"

 

It also would help if you see other women

 

OUCH! That sounds about right.

[d0nnivain]

17 year old girls don't friend-zone the same way 20 something women do. Teenaged girls need to develop a sense of trust in the guy & they do that over time through friendship. Especially based on her parents' (odd) experience being her friend & proving that you are a stand up guy who wants more than sex from her is a good thing.

 

If she doesn't date by choice, that is one thing. You need to ask her more Qs about this. Like does she really expect what her parents had? Will she date at 18? at 20? in college?

 

You do not love in the romantic sense because it's too early & you aren't dating. You are infatuated with her which is a great first step. Do not make any big dramatic declarations about your feelings beyond "I really like you." Do not use the word love until you are established as BF/GF.

 

Are there any school dances coming up? As her to go to one with you.

[GoBlue]

It really isn't as complicated as you or some of the people on this thread are trying to make it sound. You said that you are "making your feelings obvious" as far as you are concerned. Sorry dude, a lot of people do not want to be given hints they want to be asked or told. Have you simply asked her to go on a date? Have you shared how you feel about her and inquired about how she feels about you? I remember when I was 17 and how scary it was to be open and share how I felt with women because - let's face it - nobody wants to be rejected. With this one, however, that's exactly what you are probably going to have to do. Have you ever tried to reach over and hold her hand when you were together? That's a little non-threatening trick I used in order to gauge whether a girl was interested or not. Above all else, respect her, treat her like she deserves to be treated, and have fun. Oh, and make good choices!

[card]

OP is deep in the friendzone.

 

OP you are basically her gay-bestfriend.

which means, she has no romantic interest in you

- Youve convinced yourself that her parents were this way before, and thats how they met, when you no nothing about how they did things. Thats completely week.

 

If OP asked her out, they'd just go out as friends, because OP is a wuss.

 

What you do, if she's a quality girl and you'd like to get with her, is you separate yourself from her, and you stop being her "gay-bestfriend"

 

It also would help if you see other women

 

You have a point...

It doesn't feel like a gay friend situation but I'm worried that it will turn into one if I wait any longer. Maybe she doesn't show romantic interest in me but it's so hard to tell since she doesn't show that in anyone. There's at least sexual interest, which is better than nothing. To be honest her romantic side is basically just friends with benefits. In a good way. Let me rephrase that. I know for a fact that if she were to date it would appear on the outside to be close friends. She's like a kid in that way.

 

I wish it were possible for you all to know her personally. I get the feeling that she's much more unusual than many of you are making her out to be. I'm in in denial, I agree that something must be done and soon. It just isn't the case of "she'll find someone else" or any other related situations.

[mightycpa]

I looked at the clock while I was reading this, and I noticed it was still ticking.

[card]

Welp, she said no. I only have myself to blame... There's no reason I should believe that strangers would know someone they've never met. She just really, really doesn't date. She said that if she did I would be her "only choice, obviously"... But that might just be a friendzone comforter. Time to move on, I guess.

 

edit: I don't regret popping the question... At least now she knows I'm interested.

[mightycpa]

Welp, she said no.

Awwwwww! We were rooting for you!

 

I only have myself to blame

Blame? Blame? BLAME!?!

 

Listen to me, my young friend, you did the difficult thing. You, in spite of every instinct to the contrary, put yourself out there and told a girl what you wanted. There is no blame. You did the right thing. You'll never have to wonder about it. You know, because you asked. Bravo! Your stones just got a little bigger today. Celebrate THAT!

 

Time to move on, I guess.

 

Yes. And with a great big set of cojones you didn't have yesterday. You will never wonder about her ever again.

 

I don't regret popping the question... At least now she knows I'm interested.

 

Good. See? Those great big balls are already starting to help you think right!

 

Good for you, my man! Hold your head up high.

 

She may not date you now, but at least she a) knows and b) doesn't think you're a poontang. You're young, she's young and now, you're in the running. It wouldn't hurt if she saw you begin to date in the next couple of months. Don't do anybody wrong, but let her see you with somebody. You just might get her to think about you differently. Nothing stays the same. The only constant is change.

 

Keep up the good work, and let us know how you're doing from time to time! I'm sure that I speak for my male compadres when I say that we are very proud of you!

Edited September 13, 2014 by mightycpa

[card]

Thanks, that really means a lot. I appreciate the tough love earlier. I'd love to find someone to date but I'd also hate settling just to be dating someone. I live in a very rural area so I don't have many options, but maybe I'll get lucky. Again, thanks to everyone.

[card]

Today she and I both made an interesting discovery. She's aromantic! For those who don't know, aromantics are people with no romantic interests whatsoever. They usually still have sexual interests, though. This explains a lot.