ksmit Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 Quick facts I'm 26 and she is 19 2+ years She wants to get married and have a kid/dog within couple years whereas I have more personal achievement oriented goals I'm not as attracted as I was in the beginning and I think about being happier with other women Why it's so hard She's a WONDERFUL sweet girl that shows me a lot of affection; I've never been so loved by another person before and I'd hate to lose that We are extremely compatible which is very rare for me; I fear not finding someone else She was my first relationship and first time I've been close with someone (my personality type makes meeting women a nightmare, hence I have a very small dating pool) Sometimes I am attracted and content with her We have a lot of great memories together We are also each others best friends Why I feel I need to move on I'm often salivating over other women who are dramatically more physically attractive; I really wish my male brain didn't work this way. We are in two different places... she has a lot of college left and I've been out for 4 years Most importantly, she deserves someone who's willing to give her the world and be able to reciprocate the same love and affection; I unintentionally only give her 100% when I feel like I'm losing her, but when I get her back I stop caring again My problem I don't want to sound like a bad person, but I feel like I'm in a trap because it would be extremely painful to lose her, but at the same time know that I could be a lot more satisfied with another women who is more attractive and closer to my age. This dilemma has been a real nightmare lately and I hope someone can relate to what I'm going through and offer advice. Thanks
Assasda Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 OP Youre extremely insecure. When she gets older and realize that she'll probably kick you to the curb, if you dont hanlde that. or you can handle that right now and leave the girl alone
Diezel Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 Just break up with her. Seriously, you are one of those guys who wants the cake, eat it, and more cake for dessert. You're more afraid of leaving her and then realizing that everyone else isn't as awesome as she was and you'll end up with nothing. It's not a gamble if there aren't any risks involved. You two don't want the same things, and it's not silly things like what to watch on TV, or favorite hamburgers... it's HUGE things. Life-altering things. Have you two actually had a serious conversation about your differing goals, where you tell her that you have more personal-oriented goals? And why aren't you as attracted to her anymore? 1
Zippy2000 Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 Sounds like you're suffering from the grass is greener syndrome. People change over time. You're not the person you were when you met your partner. People constantly have a change in taste or in this case attraction. There's nothing in your post to show you're incompatible bar life goals. The way I read your post is you're no long attracted to her. The questions what you need to ask is why is this? From an outsider point of view its hard to give advice as we don't have the other person to give their side of the story. When you say attraction, is it her appearance, chemistry or lack of spark?
stillafool Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 Go ahead, break up with her if you're not happy. She's only 19 she won't have any problems meeting someone and falling in love again.
Author ksmit Posted September 11, 2014 Author Posted September 11, 2014 Thanks for everyone's replies and I apologize for my insecure behavior being a highly sensitive person. Trust me, I would love nothing more than to be like most other people with huge dating pools. Have you two actually had a serious conversation about your differing goals, where you tell her that you have more personal-oriented goals? And why aren't you as attracted to her anymore? We did recently, but I convinced her as well as myself that I wanted those same things. The idea of losing her was so painful that I was changing my own life goals! Sounds like you're suffering from the grass is greener syndrome. When you say attraction, is it her appearance, chemistry or lack of spark? My fear is settling with someone who I know isn't the woman of my dreams and later regretting not going for what I really wanted. I shamefully admit one of the main reasons I ended up in this relationship in the first place is because she was the first girl who understood and accepted my unusual personality and I was somewhat desperate. Our first year together had good spark and chemistry but I'm feeling pressed to do better. When I start feeling like I'm losing her, the physical attraction, chemistry, and spark magically comes back momentarily. Once things are good again, away it goes...
acrosstheuniverse Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 When I start feeling like I'm losing her, the physical attraction, chemistry, and spark magically comes back momentarily. Once things are good again, away it goes... Well, that settles that surely. The spark, chemistry, attraction and magic will always go away because you can't constantly be going through the 'is this the end?' dance with one another. You know that you're not right for one another, and you're just looking for justification here because you're scared and don't want to hurt her. Take it, listen to what everyone's saying. You have a right at any time of your life to decide your relationship isn't working anymore and move on. It has taken a little while for these different issues to come to light but now they have, you can't get them out of your mind. She's young, you're young. She will get over it, I promise, and meet someone else. So will you. And at 26 if you eventually want a family and kids it's a good age to be open to new possibilities rather than hanging onto something with somebody so much younger who wants serious commitment very soon and with whom you don't see a future. 1
Author ksmit Posted September 11, 2014 Author Posted September 11, 2014 You know that you're not right for one another, and you're just looking for justification here because you're scared and don't want to hurt her. What makes it so hard is that we ARE right for each other in many ways. We connect where it's important. Only problem is I frequently think I could "do better" and get a woman that can make me feel lucky every day to have her. Someone closer to my age, done with school, and simply more attractive. Thanks for the great response and not making me feel terrible about myself. If I had absolute certainty that I could land a more attractive woman quickly, this would be much easier.
BlueIris Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 ... If I had absolute certainty that I could land a more attractive woman quickly, this would be much easier. Break up with your GF, whether it is easy for you or not. Be nice when you break up with her, but do it. And no, don't worry, you're not unusual. Lots of people think the way you do- not just the part quoted.
acapelo_dp Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 Surely you were physically attracted to her in the beginning? Has she gained weight or let herself go? I say do her and yourself a favor and break up with her. She will easily meet another guy while in college, closer to her age and who appreciates her. And you can meet a woman more attractive and closer to your age.
Author ksmit Posted September 11, 2014 Author Posted September 11, 2014 She's actually in her best shape now but was never super attractive to begin with. She's always been right on that line of "attractive enough" to date. Hate to rate women, but physically she's a 6-7. Personality and compatibility a 9.
acapelo_dp Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 She's actually in her best shape now but was never super attractive to begin with. She's always been right on that line of "attractive enough" to date. Hate to rate women, but physically she's a 6-7. Personality and compatibility a 9. Oh okay. Well, if you aren't attracted to her it's not exactly your fault. However I strongly suggest breaking up with her as soon as possible so you both can move on and be in happier relationships. 1
Author ksmit Posted September 11, 2014 Author Posted September 11, 2014 Thanks for laying it out in such simple terms. I know what I need to do, but my subconscious doesn't seem to let me once the pain starts kicking in. I've avoided relationships most my life for exactly these reasons. I know how I am. :/
Diezel Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 You CANNOT say you are right for each other while saying that you are constantly thinking "what if". Those are two differing opinions. Someone who believes they have found someone who is perfect for them, doesn't have to think in terms of "what if". 2
Zippy2000 Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 Not suggesting this is the best option but one of my friends are doing this. A trial separation for 2 - 3 months. Take a break and develop yourself and find out if you miss her. I think you already know your answer but you want us to tell you. I quote from you: "My fear is settling with someone who I know isn't the woman of my dreams and later regretting not going for what I really wanted." Its like you feel you can do better. Maybe you can but does that person exist and if she does. Will she want you?
truth_seeker Posted September 12, 2014 Posted September 12, 2014 When you're into someone, other people don't get your attention. When you're lusting for other people, not attracted to your SO, then it's pretty much over. You're delaying the inevitable OP. Do it now and don't look back... for yourself and for her. 1
Author ksmit Posted September 12, 2014 Author Posted September 12, 2014 Not suggesting this is the best option but one of my friends are doing this. A trial separation for 2 - 3 months. Take a break and develop yourself and find out if you miss her. This is a pretty good idea actually. The only risk would be HER finding someone else in the meantime and me wanting her back. But if I did get her back I'd probably fall into the same cycle again... I really need to BELIEVE that I can find love again and be more satisfied. If I stay with this girl forever, I've essentially settled for the first girl to show interest in me and that just sounds sad! Maybe you can but does that person exist and if she does. Will she want you? Exactly. I don't exactly have a great track record of success with women, but I do have experience now for the first time and have grown a lot. I'd probably do better than I think. Just last week I chatted up a yoga chick who is about a perfect 10 and we hit it off really well -- something I would have likely never been able to do without having the experience I gained from current GF. Only thing is her personality might be a 7... or worse. I appreciate all the replies. You all have delivered what I essentially needed and I thank you for that.
acrosstheuniverse Posted September 12, 2014 Posted September 12, 2014 What makes it so hard is that we ARE right for each other in many ways. We connect where it's important. Only problem is I frequently think I could "do better" and get a woman that can make me feel lucky every day to have her. Someone closer to my age, done with school, and simply more attractive. Thanks for the great response and not making me feel terrible about myself. If I had absolute certainty that I could land a more attractive woman quickly, this would be much easier. No problem. You're NOT right for each other if you don't actually feel in your heart and gut you desperately wanna be with her and can't lose her. Another several decades is a long time to be with somebody you you're not entirely sure about. Honestly, I've had some guys show interest that were so right on paper it was crazy, same interests, same (unusual) belief system, same wants and wishes out of life, attractive, into me, good jobs, similar music tastes... and there was nothing I could do to ignite a spark, I just didn't feel it. I knew I wouldn't be telling my friends about the relationship with a giddy sick feeling of excitement in my stomach, I knew that I wouldn't rush home to get to see that person after a long day. Also if you're chatting yoga chick up when still with your girlfriend, you really need to break it off sooner rather than later. She doesn't deserve to be with somebody who is sniffing around elsewhere, she deserves the dignity of you making a clean break of it and then going out, going wild and sowing those seeds. 1
Zippy2000 Posted September 12, 2014 Posted September 12, 2014 This is a pretty good idea actually. The only risk would be HER finding someone else in the meantime and me wanting her back. You really can't let go. You want to move on but deep down you think you will lose her. You have to make your own decision based on facts. Write down a list what you want and she if your current relationship matches that. When you see the list. Make the decision you need not just for us to talk u-turns but for her sake too as I believe you need to take to talk to her as well as us. 1
RonaldS Posted September 12, 2014 Posted September 12, 2014 She's 19. You're 26. Of course you're bored....your girlfriend is a kid. Maybe spice things up and go out to the bar with her. Oh wait, you can't for 2 more years. See the problem?
Author ksmit Posted September 12, 2014 Author Posted September 12, 2014 If she was 21 we still wouldn't go to the bars - not my thing. I never said I was bored either, but loss of attraction and interest. We have plenty of fun which is much of why it's so difficult. She's basically my best friend.
acapelo_dp Posted September 12, 2014 Posted September 12, 2014 If she was 21 we still wouldn't go to the bars - not my thing. I never said I was bored either, but loss of attraction and interest. We have plenty of fun which is much of why it's so difficult. She's basically my best friend. I kind of understand where you are coming from. I dated my high school sweetheart on and off for 5 years. He basically became my best friend and we had a lot of fun together. However, my sexual attraction just wasn't there anymore and I would get little "crushes" on other guys. Then I knew it wasn't fair to him and I had to end it, and that is what we did. It hurt at first but now we are even on good terms, he wished me a happy birthday the other day and every couple months we say "Hey how are things?" We are both now in happy relationships as well. So ultimately I believe the attraction issue will only get worse as time goes on. Sexual attraction and chemistry is important for a relationship to survive. 1
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