Why some men are afraid to approach women for dates.

[Darren2013]

Well there can be many reasons for that. I think a big reason is that approaching a woman for a date puts a man at risk for being labeled a stalker or to be accused of sexual harassment.

 

I mean men have to be really careful about the cold approach especially. Walking up to a total stranger that you find attractive is a high risk move. There are some women that will exaggerate and blow things out of proportion by falsely accusing a man of stalking her even if he so much as looks at her for half a second and doesn't even talk to her.

 

So because of the risks of running into those types of women who exaggerate stories it isn't even worth it to approach them.

 

And quite frankly many of the men who hesitate to approach and ask a woman out ultimately happen to be better husbands in the end. I would much rather a woman talk with her girlfriends about how frustrated she is that I have not stepped up to the plate and asked her out than to hear that she has put in a false accusation of stalking. The former shows high interest level on her end. If she had low interest level she would not be frustrated that I have not worked up the nerve to ask her out. In fact she would be glad that I don't have the nerve to ask her out and she would hope I never work up the nerve.

 

I mean how many times do we see threads on this board by female posters who ask for our input about a certain guy that has not made a move on her. She asks the members of this forum what's the deal? Is he shy? Is he waiting for her to make the move? Obviously her interest level is high in this guy enough to be concerned about why he hasn't asked her out yet or she wouldn't have made that thread.

[Imajerk17]

You keep thinking that. More women for me.

[Gloria25]

I think what matters is if she is into him...

 

There was an SNL clip with Tom Brady about sexual harassment...and, the women in the office were ok with Tom Brady "harassing" them, while they weren't cool about the other guy in the office.

 

I think the same goes for men...they don't mind if a hot chick that they are attracted to hits them up, the would mind if it wasn't a chick they'd do.

[mightycpa]

Darren, you write some things in all of your posts that make me think you have a quality that people sense and don't like. I don't know if it is intensity, but it smacks of not being able to read social cues very well, and you're getting some exaggerated negative feedback as a result.

 

The thing I would encourage you to think about is that people don't really spend a lot of time thinking about people they don't know. You don't have to worry so much about what people will think. That's the trick that many men and women who are successful at dating learn - that it just doesn't matter what one or two or even 10 individuals think, and that you can't be afraid of that. Fear warps your personality, and people don't like it. They don't know what's wrong, but they can sense that you're not genuine. I think you understand the feedback people are giving you, but you don't understand why you're getting it.

 

This is a disturbing post. There is a lot of distance between stalking and a negative reaction because your attempt to introduce yourself is firmly rebuffed. I don't know of any woman who would think of that as stalking, even if she thought it quite unwelcome. But if you're following someone, watching them and meeting their gaze frequently while you work up your courage, then I could see how that would make a woman uncomfortable. And if you have a look on your face that signals uncomfortable and anxiety, that could exaggerate the impression of stalking.

 

I think I wrote you once that you need to relax. I stick by that assessment, and I will repeat to you that you should find a friend who can help you calm down and fit in better. I get the sense you should make some friends and get in a social circle before you do a lot of dating. I get the sense that would do you a world of good.

[MoreCoffee]

Didnt we just do this?

[Mister Zen]

The likelihood of a successful approach is about 11% or less. That's not a number I made up either. Its a number an attractive player friend of mine who does cold approaches constantly tells me. Out of all the women he approaches about 90% reject him.

 

But that's not the reason I don't approach as much as a I used to. The reason for me is its just not fun most of the time. A lot of women expect some kind if performance. They expect you to impress them and tell them silly, corny things to get them to date you. In my teens and 20's I had the drive to do that, but I'm over it now. I'm not performing for anyone. I'm just myself and if that's not good enough then too bad I guess. No more gimmicks, no more tricks, no more performances. Why? Because while that nonsense got me a lot of dates.. it never felt right because it was BS. I want a woman who likes me the way I am. I want something deep.

[Darren2013]

Besides how a relationship finishes is just as important as getting off to a good start. It isn't enough just to get to the first date and the first sexual encounter or even to marriage. If it doesn't finish well and the end result is a nasty divorce in court then the starting point is moot.

[mightycpa]

Well, another way to look at it is this:

 

You can't get to here: a nasty divorce in court

 

Without first getting here: the first date

 

and here: the first sexual encounter

 

and here: marriage

 

and if you do those first three things well, then you don't necessarily have to end up in a nasty divorce. But, those first three things are critical accomplishments.

 

You have a very unusual perspective on things.

[Darren2013]

That's not true. Just because one succeeds in getting off to a good start doesn't mean it will always or even often lead to a good finish. To me it is better off to have never started if it doesn't finish well.

 

I believe in thinking long term and not just worrying about what's happening today. Relationships take alot of work and energy from the time of the first date and all the way to 60 years after being married.

[mightycpa]

To me it is better off to have never started if it doesn't finish well.

 

I'm going to go with this philosophy instead:

 

"'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

[Mister Zen]

Besides how a relationship finishes is just as important as getting off to a good start. It isn't enough just to get to the first date and the first sexual encounter or even to marriage. If it doesn't finish well and the end result is a nasty divorce in court then the starting point is moot.

 

Well, 50% of marriages end in divorce. Most divorces (in my opinion) are the result of marriages based either on lies or desperation.

 

Either the people misrepresent themselves in the dating phase to hook someone OR they get married to the wrong person because of social pressure or family pressure to get married.

 

When things happen organically and you marry someone you really like, respect and understand on a DEEP level, I think it works out much better. Ever since I started looking for depth in a relationship.. its been very hard to date. I've also learned most women are just as shallow as most men. Just in a different way.

[Darren2013]

Learning the truth about why a person is with me is important. So what if you succeed in getting a girlfriend? It is moot if she is not with you for the right reasons. And yes 2 out of 5 women will marry a guy or have sex with a guy that they have low interest in.

[mightycpa]

Learning the truth about why a person is with me is important. So what if you succeed in getting a girlfriend? It is moot if she is not with you for the right reasons. And yes 2 out of 5 women will marry a guy or have sex with a guy that they have low interest in.

 

Now we're back to the ability to read social clues.

[Darren2013]

I have no idea what you are talking about.

[Mister Zen]

Learning the truth about why a person is with me is important. So what if you succeed in getting a girlfriend? It is moot if she is not with you for the right reasons. And yes 2 out of 5 women will marry a guy or have sex with a guy that they have low interest in.

 

Ain't that the truth.

[mightycpa]

I have no idea what you are talking about.

 

That is the most sensible thing you've written since I started reading your posts. Now you're beginning to catch on, albeit a bit slowly.

 

Think about that, and think about what I said. You'll get it.

[Brady_to_Moss]

my reason? my anxiey is killer...like BAD

[Mister Zen]

my reason? my anxiey is killer...like BAD

 

The best way around that is to ask the girl for a good coffee shop, gym or restaurant in the area. If she is nice to you.. then you just have to tell her she has a cute face.

 

Back when I was a PUA I used that compliment all the time and it always got me the best responses compared to other compliments. Its still my Go-To compliment when I meet a woman I want to date. I think the magic of the line comes from the fact that it allows you show sexual interest and give her a compliment on her looks without being sexual about it (like nice rack, or nice butt). Also, its not over-used like "nice eyes" or "nice smile".

[Supernatural]

Darren, You have the most fascinating perspective on dating. Your mind is literally thinking up a storm. That's not a positive or negative comment.

 

You have all these 'facts' in your mind of what you think dating is. But it's not like this. You're complicating things that don't need to be thought-out so much. Interest %'s, stalking, approaching...

 

I'm with mightycpa. You need to relax man.

 

Cold approaching and stalking are two massively different things. Stalking is obsession and potentially harmful/dangerous to another person. Cold approaching is hopeful you will get a date. The fact that you think you would be stalking on a cold approach says a lot of how you see yourself, or maybe what your past says about you.

[Gloria25]

'Women lead in the home/marriage/relationships, while men are leaders in the outside world'...'In relationships, men follow women's lead'...'Women have a hard time understanding this concept'

 

Those were the words of a woman ^^ who's podcast I was listening to today...And, I've read many of her books and am a fan of her and her beliefs for years, but it wasn't until she presented those statements that I kinda took a different look at what her point is/was.

 

Women do have a lot of leverage in relationships...and sometimes that can be intimidating...

 

But, over all, approaching someone you're interested is a risk of rejection and whether you're male or female - it's something we all ponder if it's worth it.

[Supernatural]

'Women lead in the home/marriage/relationships, while men are leaders in the outside world'...'In relationships, men follow women's lead'...'Women have a hard time understanding this concept'

 

Those were the words of a woman ^^ who's podcast I was listening to today...And, I've read many of her books and am a fan of her and her beliefs for years, but it wasn't until she presented those statements that I kinda took a different look at what her point is/was.

 

Women do have a lot of leverage in relationships...and sometimes that can be intimidating...

 

But, over all, approaching someone you're interested is a risk of rejection and whether you're male or female - it's something we all ponder if it's worth it.

 

Which podcast is this?

 

A woman doesn't necessarily lead in the marriage/dating/relationship. They only start controlling and such if they are unfulfilled, in my mind.

[StanMusial]

Three words:

 

Fear of rejection.

 

If someone claims they are afraid of being labeled a "stalker", as a reason to forgo approaching some girl at a bar/club etc., I would say they are full of shhhht. Ask one time and move on if you're really that concerned about it. Our judicial system is not so effed up YET as to start calling that "stalking".

 

With that being said, I have seen guys get shut out and continue lingering/hovering.... while socially inept, still not officially "stalking".

[Gloria25]

Which podcast is this?

 

A woman doesn't necessarily lead in the marriage/dating/relationship. They only start controlling and such if they are unfulfilled, in my mind.

 

The podcast is from Dr. Laura....

 

And it's not about control and/or playing games...Women naturally have that power without consciously putting it into practice. The problem is that when a lot of women realize they have that power, they do play controlling games. Actually, I had to remind a sibling of mine to not follow her classmates - who were begging some guy in the class to date "pick me, pick me" - cuz she has the power and should never make some guy having her beg for his time (plus, she is VERY beautiful and smart).

 

Think about it? What drives men to get an education, career, earn money, buy things like certain clothing, car, etc? They are doing that in order to make themselves attractive to women.

 

History shows that men's actions are often motivated by their desire to gain the affections of a woman...Shoot if you believe in religion, Adam got into trouble because Eve tempted him to bite of an apple.

 

Men will only do what women allow them to...if we don't open our legs, then what are men gonna do?

Edited September 12, 2014 by Gloria25

[Tayken]

Er...without reading what have been said so far, my only guess will be that it is the same reason some women don't approach men e.g. they are on the heavy side i.e a little extra and cant approach a fit man, self esteem issues, lack of confidence, etc

[spiderowl]

I totally understand Darren's way of thinking because I think like that myself. I think things through and all the possibilities, but tend to think negatively rather than positively. Darren, you need to remind yourself that there are positive outcomes as well as negative ones. If you approach someone once, that's not stalking. If you hang around a stranger when she's told you she's not interested, that's creepy. If you keep pestering a woman, whether you know her or not, it is dodgy. Any guy could try once and accept defeat graciously if she's not interested.

 

Don't assume the worst all the time, just because you are able to. Having the ability to think through situations is a good thing but it's not helping you here. A positive, pleasant attitude to women is much more helpful than all these worries.