moscatto Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 I have been seeing this guy for a couple of months now and things have been great. We have been just hanging out, he and I, and the conversations come so easily. We have both just had a great time. Every time we go out, he always pays for everything. Never let's me take out a dime. He also has never tried to make any moves on me but always kisses me goodnight. Always tells me he had a great time. He even invited me over and it was just two people hanging out in good company. A little cuddling and some kissing. He is also always initiating the hanging out and planning. But he is also very shy and likes things to happen naturally. He's very respectful of me, and in general. So, I decided to make a move on him. Afterwards we talked about it in a friendly way. In this convo I told him I did it because it seemed right, he hasn't been forceful and that I like him. He told me he likes hanging out with me too and he's glad I did it. What does that mean? Does he like me just to hang out with? Or does he actually like me, as in can see this going somewhere? I read a lot into words. His actions tell me he is very interested but I just can't be sure anymore.
BluEyeL Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 I would need more information. So you had sex, initiated by you? He is always initiating the dates. What progress has been made so far? Did he express he likes you (not just hanging out with you)? Does he give you compliments? Did he introduce you to anyone in his life? How often do you meet? How is communication between dates? Does he do anything romantic? When he kissed you goodnight is it a french kiss, or just on the cheek, or just a peck?Is he looking for a relationship? How old are you? Has he ever been married? If yes, how long? When divorced? Why divorced? If no, how long the longest relationship? How long ago? How did it end? Did he say why didn't he make a move?
mightycpa Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 What does that mean? Let's review: +) I have been seeing this guy for a couple of months now and things have been great. +) We have been just hanging out, he and I, and the conversations come so easily. +) We have both just had a great time. +) Every time we go out, he always pays for everything. Never let's me take out a dime. -) He also has never tried to make any moves on me +) but always kisses me goodnight. +) Always tells me he had a great time. +) He even invited me over and it was just two people hanging out in good company. +) A little cuddling and some kissing. +) He is also always initiating the hanging out and planning. -) But he is also very shy and likes things to happen naturally. +) He's very respectful of me, and in general. +) So, I decided to make a move on him. +) Afterwards we talked about it in a friendly way. +) In this convo I told him I did it because it seemed right, -) he hasn't been forceful and that +) I like him. +) He told me he likes hanging out with me too and +) he's glad I did it. +) His actions tell me he is very interested I'd have to say he likes you, and is a little shy physically. You should tell him stuff like "it's ok if you put your hands here", and put his hand there. Later, tell him he can do anything he wants to you, or something along those lines. Sounds like you just need to give him a lot of green lights. 2
Author moscatto Posted September 11, 2014 Author Posted September 11, 2014 I would need more information. So you had sex, initiated by you? He is always initiating the dates. What progress has been made so far? Did he express he likes you (not just hanging out with you)? Does he give you compliments? Did he introduce you to anyone in his life? How often do you meet? How is communication between dates? Does he do anything romantic? When he kissed you goodnight is it a french kiss, or just on the cheek, or just a peck?Is he looking for a relationship? How old are you? Has he ever been married? If yes, how long? When divorced? Why divorced? If no, how long the longest relationship? How long ago? How did it end? Did he say why didn't he make a move? Ok. Here are my responses! Thanks for the feedback! I initiated the sex. He initiates the dates. He has said that I am very comfortable and he finds that attractive. And some other things. He has complimented me a few times. He has not taken me to meet anyone in his life but I know some of them--- i knew him in my younger days but we never kept in touch and then we met unexpectedly one night a few months back. I would say we go out once a week. Or every 2 weeks. Talk daily. First date was a peck. Then the rest after were french kisses. We are around 30 years. Both got out of long-term serious relationships over a year ago and haven't dated anyone since. His ended because it just wasn't working for either of them and he knew he couldn't make the next step. Mine just wasn't working anymore. He didn't make the first move because he truly believes that's a girls call to make.
Ninjainpajamas Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 I don't think he's ready for a relationship.
mightycpa Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 He didn't make the first move because he truly believes that's a girls call to make. You knew the answer and were just testing us. I aced it.
BluEyeL Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 Ok. Here are my responses! Thanks for the feedback! I initiated the sex. He initiates the dates. He has said that I am very comfortable and he finds that attractive. And some other things. He has complimented me a few times. He has not taken me to meet anyone in his life but I know some of them--- i knew him in my younger days but we never kept in touch and then we met unexpectedly one night a few months back. I would say we go out once a week. Or every 2 weeks. Talk daily. First date was a peck. Then the rest after were french kisses. We are around 30 years. Both got out of long-term serious relationships over a year ago and haven't dated anyone since. His ended because it just wasn't working for either of them and he knew he couldn't make the next step. Mine just wasn't working anymore. He didn't make the first move because he truly believes that's a girls call to make. Oh, this sounds pretty good, I think you're fine, he's just the type to take it slow physically. This type of man is my specialty, I always meet this type I like this type. I'm dating someone similar right now and he told me he wants it to be clear that he wants me but he will always follow my lead in that department, so like your guy, he thinks girls should move at their pace in that department. Kissing was French kissing, that's good. Every other week seeing each other is not enough meetings though. At this point, I suggest you pick up the pace a bit, seeing each other twice a week or so, if he's comfortable with it. Don't have a big talk about it. Next time you meet, just say "what about we grab dinner on Tuesday?". At this point it's fine for you to start initiating too. Good luck, and enjoy, you might have found a good guy!
Author moscatto Posted September 11, 2014 Author Posted September 11, 2014 You knew the answer and were just testing us. I aced it. I don't really know the answer. The actions are there. But he likes hanging out with me--- his friends are all married and he's the single guy. I'm a single girl. What if I am just company for now? Sometimes I think I know the answer and then I think I might be getting my hopes up.
BluEyeL Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 Let people develop their feelings at their own pace. You slept with him before you two discussed the relationship and now you're worried. I would have recommended not to sleep with him until he told you you two are in a relationship, but you already slept with him so it's too late. I'd say initiate more dates like I said above and let things develop for a couple more months, see if there is any progress there and then draw a conclusion. I don't know how to initiate the talk about what you are, I think if he's not initiating it, he might not be ready to say it just yet and you need to give it more time. As long as he keeps coming around, it's OK, but don't stay like that more than 4-6 months max. By 6 months you should be his gf or move on.
Author moscatto Posted September 11, 2014 Author Posted September 11, 2014 Let people develop their feelings at their own pace. You slept with him before you two discussed the relationship and now you're worried. I would have recommended not to sleep with him until he told you you two are in a relationship, but you already slept with him so it's too late. I'd say initiate more dates like I said above and let things develop for a couple more months, see if there is any progress there and then draw a conclusion. I don't know how to initiate the talk about what you are, I think if he's not initiating it, he might not be ready to say it just yet and you need to give it more time. As long as he keeps coming around, it's OK, but don't stay like that more than 4-6 months max. By 6 months you should be his gf or move on. Thanks for the advice! 1
mightycpa Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 I don't really know the answer. You just told us the answer: He didn't make the first move because he truly believes that's a girls call to make.That kind of guy will rarely initiate unless you make him ultra-comfortable, as in, "I expect you to initiate. Do some of this, and do some of that." Ninjapjs said he's not ready for a relationship, but I think I disagree. That said, you, or somebody, is going to have to educate him on that part of a man's duty in a relationship. I don't know if it is cultural, religious, weird or maybe some old GF taught him that crap... but this idea came from somewhere, and if you like this guy, you're going to have to train it out of him. Now, stop typing on the keyboard, and go get to work! You've got a big job ahead of you. 1
BluEyeL Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 You just told us the answer: That kind of guy will rarely initiate unless you make him ultra-comfortable, as in, "I expect you to initiate. Do some of this, and do some of that." Ninjapjs said he's not ready for a relationship, but I think I disagree. That said, you, or somebody, is going to have to educate him on that part of a man's duty in a relationship. I don't know if it is cultural, religious, weird or maybe some old GF taught him that crap... but this idea came from somewhere, and if you like this guy, you're going to have to train it out of him. Now, stop typing on the keyboard, and go get to work! You've got a big job ahead of you. I had guys who were very slow physically like that before and they were indeed not ready for a relationship, I had to let them go. Two of them. But there was no progress at all with those in 2 and 3 months, respectively. Not even kissing. One was seeing me once every other week. And the other was calling every Sunday (not Saturday) for a same day date. Both had issues, not ready to be in a serious relatioship and didn't want to get physical for that reason. I see her situation differently due to some progress/constancy of how things are going and because he expressed that the girl should be the one to initiate. 1
mightycpa Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 I see her situation differently due to some progress/constancy of how things are going and because he expressed that the girl should be the one to initiate. Yes! He's not shying away. He's just not initiating, and he's articulating why. 1
Supernatural Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 He clearly likes you. Holy cow. The only thing that is throwing you off is that he is not ripping your clothes off or jumping you bones?! Women want everything. Stop expecting this guy to do EVERYTHING. "He always pays for everything. Never let's me take out a dime." "Always kisses me goodnight." "Always tells me he had a great time." "He invited me over" "He is also always initiating the hanging out and planning." "He's very respectful of me, and in general." He told me he likes hanging out with me too and he's glad I did it. What does that mean? Does he like me just to hang out with? Or does he actually like me, as in can see this going somewhere? I read a lot into words. His actions tell me he is very interested but I just can't be sure anymore. Noooo... He friendzoned you months ago..................... You read a lot in to actions. Apparently you read a lot in to words... But you definitely don't pick up on anything. I would say you're just fearful of being "the still single friend." *sigh with head shake* 1
Assasda Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 Sounds like a good budding relationship. Not sure what OP doesnt understand here.
Diezel Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 Weird how the dynamic works when it is the man who decides to take it nice and slow when it comes to the sexual aspect of it. Really makes her think what's going on. After his LTR, he probably just wants to take his time. Just unleash his inner beast. Nothing I read here shows me any cause for concern. Not every guy is going to be the instant horndog jumping down your pants. Some can be quite reserved.
Author moscatto Posted September 11, 2014 Author Posted September 11, 2014 It's not the not ripping my clothes off that's throwing me off. It's the words be uses. Or maybe I'm thinking I should have waited to make a move and I am feeling nervous. I totally respect and appreciate and am glad that he didn't rip my clothes off but when he says things like "I like hanging out too" after I said "I like you", it makes me wonder.
Diezel Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 After years of being told that it is "hanging out" and not "dating", I can see where you are coming from. Both are the same thing, essentially, except hanging out doesn't carry the stigma and burden and the pressure of being so casual. If his actions show you one thing, forget about what you think "hanging out" means.
BluEyeL Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 It's not the not ripping my clothes off that's throwing me off. It's the words be uses. Or maybe I'm thinking I should have waited to make a move and I am feeling nervous. I totally respect and appreciate and am glad that he didn't rip my clothes off but when he says things like "I like hanging out too" after I said "I like you", it makes me wonder. Yes, to be honest, those words would worry me too. I know people say you should look at actions not words, but I think you should look at both! Both words and actions should match. Because if they don't say things it feels like should be said at one point in the relationship is because they may not be there yet. Generally (good) men don't want to lie so they may avoid saying things that they don't feel are true. I'd say, just let him go at his pace, but set up a deadline in your head regarding when he should also SAY that you two are in a committed relationship. Did he tell you "I like you" before? Or a variation of this?
Author moscatto Posted September 11, 2014 Author Posted September 11, 2014 Did he tell you "I like you" before? Or a variation of this? He has commented on things about me that he likes or finds attractive. Like I'm comfortable. And I'm easy going/don't sweat the small stuff. I'm honest. Good sense of humor. Things like that. I will let him go at his own pace but maybe I went ahead and rushed things. But he has said that he's happy I did, was not uncomfortable about it and is glad I felt comfortable enough to go for it. And we've been talking ever since so I think it's a good sign that he didn't fall off the face of the earth and still wants to get together. It's just the word choices that throw me off! I read into things a lot. 1
BluEyeL Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 He has commented on things about me that he likes or finds attractive. Like I'm comfortable. And I'm easy going/don't sweat the small stuff. I'm honest. Good sense of humor. Things like that. I will let him go at his own pace but maybe I went ahead and rushed things. But he has said that he's happy I did, was not uncomfortable about it and is glad I felt comfortable enough to go for it. And we've been talking ever since so I think it's a good sign that he didn't fall off the face of the earth and still wants to get together. It's just the word choices that throw me off! I read into things a lot. Yes, I understand. It's good he still initiates after sex. Maybe he's not there yet with the committed relationship, and sex happened before that. But it doesn't have to be a problem. He might not be there yet, but if he'll still be around you from now on, he'll get there. And, like I said, if he's not there after 6 months, then you should worry. Two months is a bit early. Men take on average more like 3-4 months to make the decision (maybe more depending on the guy). I think it would be hard to wait 4 months for sex when kissing has been going on for a while and you see each other regularly. So just don't worry about it and keep going, stay relaxed, don't get anxious because you had sex. It felt natural and you went for it, nothing really changes in terms of the path to commitment. What's going to happen is going to happen anyway, whether you worry or not. Definitely 2 months in is not the time to make definitive decisions when things are going otherwise smoothly.
Keenly Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 You just told us the answer: That kind of guy will rarely initiate unless you make him ultra-comfortable, as in, "I expect you to initiate. Do some of this, and do some of that." Ninjapjs said he's not ready for a relationship, but I think I disagree. That said, you, or somebody, is going to have to educate him on that part of a man's duty in a relationship. I don't know if it is cultural, religious, weird or maybe some old GF taught him that crap... but this idea came from somewhere, and if you like this guy, you're going to have to train it out of him. Now, stop typing on the keyboard, and go get to work! You've got a big job ahead of you. " train it out of him " ? Absolute garbage. A little early to be trying to change some one, don't you think? Here we have a respectful guy going slow, and we still find ways to hate on him?
mightycpa Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 " train it out of him " ? Absolute garbage. A little early to be trying to change some one, don't you think? Here we have a respectful guy going slow, and we still find ways to hate on him? Hate? Ugh! I'll just ignore the lowest rung of argument from those who disagree, thank you very much. With all due respect to your opinion, he's friggin' 30, not 13. He is not going slow, and rebuffing her advances when it gets too hot-n-heavy. He thinks it is her job to initiate physical loving contact. Let me repeat that for you, because you must have missed it: He thinks that it is her job to initiate physical loving contact. Her job, not his. Not that he doesn't want it. It's her job. That's what he actually thinks. Her job. When I read that, I literally said "WOW". Out loud too. I don't know where that comes from, but even if he's a member of some obscure matriarchal society with a strict set of rules about what men should and should not do, he is completely out of step with most normal people. He is absolutely ridiculous, but sounds like an otherwise genuinely nice guy with some level of interest in her. Time will tell. I think she can do him some good, and help herself doing it. Why not bring him into the mainstream with a little touch therapy? He'll let her know if this is some deep conviction of his, and they can go from there. I just think he's gotten the wrong impression somewhere along the line and somebody's gotta bring it to his attention and help him to improve his interpersonal skills. I'm equal opportunity when it comes to this. If I met a girl like that, I'd think she was absolutely ridiculous too. Or hung up. Or maybe an unintentional time traveler from the Victorian 1840's. Or any of a million other uncomplimentary things. I doubt very much I'd put up with it for long. But that's just me. I can see where somebody else might want to put in a little time. Long story short, I respectfully disagree. But hate? Oh no you dint! Ugh. 1
Keenly Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 Hate? Ugh! I'll just ignore the lowest rung of argument from those who disagree, thank you very much. With all due respect to your opinion, he's friggin' 30, not 13. He is not going slow, and rebuffing her advances when it gets too hot-n-heavy. He thinks it is her job to initiate physical loving contact. Let me repeat that for you, because you must have missed it: He thinks that it is her job to initiate physical loving contact. Her job, not his. Not that he doesn't want it. It's her job. That's what he actually thinks. Her job. When I read that, I literally said "WOW". Out loud too. I don't know where that comes from, but even if he's a member of some obscure matriarchal society with a strict set of rules about what men should and should not do, he is completely out of step with most normal people. He is absolutely ridiculous, but sounds like an otherwise genuinely nice guy with some level of interest in her. Time will tell. I think she can do him some good, and help herself doing it. Why not bring him into the mainstream with a little touch therapy? He'll let her know if this is some deep conviction of his, and they can go from there. I just think he's gotten the wrong impression somewhere along the line and somebody's gotta bring it to his attention and help him to improve his interpersonal skills. I'm equal opportunity when it comes to this. If I met a girl like that, I'd think she was absolutely ridiculous too. Or hung up. Or maybe an unintentional time traveler from the Victorian 1840's. Or any of a million other uncomplimentary things. I doubt very much I'd put up with it for long. But that's just me. I can see where somebody else might want to put in a little time. Long story short, I respectfully disagree. But hate? Oh no you dint! Ugh. I see no difference between the bolded above and the motus operandi of your average american female in the dating scene.
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