veryremorseful Posted March 4, 2005 Posted March 4, 2005 I am married woman with 2 kids age 8 and 6. I was involved in a kind of emotional affair for 8 days at my workplace. Initially it was a lot of talking on phone, coffee etc. I took a ride from this OM when my car had broken down and got down on the other side of the bus stand where my H had come to pick me up. That was the first cheating I did. He suggested sex during the drive as he felt there was attraction and thats the way to get over it. I had told him I never wanted sex from him. He said that we would remain just friends and he valued my friendship. 2 days later I had to stay back late at work, went out for dinner with him, had wine and ended up kissing that guy on the way back in his car. I felt totally guilty after that as I have not done anything like this in 34 years of my life. I was supposed to be a very good girl. Next day I told my H about it. He got really mad at me. I am totally remorseful for whatever I did. I did whatever he asked me to do. I quit my job, took tickets to go back to my parents, cancelled the tickets when he asked me to. Its been 75 days since it started. My husband wanted to hear each and every detail of the kiss act where the hands were etc etc etc. I told him each and everything. I think probably I did it becos I was drunk. This OM was calling me medieval as I refused to have sex with him. he was my mentor at work. I was even trying to prove to him I am not medieval. That was over the next day itself. Now the problem is my husband is still very very mad. He still obsesses about it. I love him dearly. This was a mistake. I realize it. When will my husband forgive me? We are together now. Sometimes when he is really mad he says why he should sacrifice his life by living with me who kicked him hard. I tell him I am extremely sorry but nothing seems to work during this mad phase. I feel helpless and start crying which drives my H nuts. He sees it as manipulative. What do I do? How long will this phase last? When will he forgive me? I am very guilty and the guilt is killing me. Do such things happen to good people or am I evil?
whichwayisup Posted March 4, 2005 Posted March 4, 2005 You made a bad choice, a big mistake and hopefully you and your husband can go to marriage councilling and start fixing the marriage. Find out what was missing from your marriage, why you felt the desire to pursue somebody else when you are already married. You're not an evil person, you made a mistake, you know now that you did- stop beating up on yourself so much. Talk to your husband and tell him you would like to fix things and seek councilling! Good luck and keep posting!
Author veryremorseful Posted March 4, 2005 Author Posted March 4, 2005 My H knows I am extremely sorry. We know each other since I was 5 years old, Like childhood friends. Our wedding was like some dream come true. In the last one year it started losing meaning for me. I used to adore my husband when I got married and slowly through these years it reduced and reduced to the point I did this. I remember people used to envy us as the "perfect couple". It seems like I destroyed everything. It seems I was fooling around with this OM even though I did not have any feelings for him. I never loved this OM as I could easily break off the next day after the kiss. Yesterday I did another act of breach of trust. One of my girlfriends asked me to drop her to the hospital as she is pregnant. I agreed to it but kept it hidden from my H as she is of the same race as the man I had an affair with. My H started disliking people of that race even though he does not have any problems with her. He was very mad when I told him just 2 hours before I had to drop her. I have really started acting stupid. I love my husband, kids & family dearly. I wish I had not done all this. I am very depressed and sometimes threaten my H with suicide.
whichwayisup Posted March 4, 2005 Posted March 4, 2005 I have really started acting stupid. I love my husband, kids & family dearly. I wish I had not done all this. I am very depressed and sometimes threaten my H with suicide. See a therapist for yourself. Make the call as soon as you can to find someone. You're suffering from depression and having suicidal thoughts that is not good and threatening your husband is not healthy for you, him and your marriage. YOU need someone to talk to, help sort out all these feelings because until you fix you, the marriage is on hold. Everything is. I hope you realize this and see the red flags, don't allow yourself to slip further and get in deeper. This other guy is part of it, but you have some issues that have to be dealt with in therapy. Keep posting and Feel better.
jmargel Posted March 4, 2005 Posted March 4, 2005 First off.. You two need marriage counseling, it's obvious you had problems before this just by your posting. Second it's against the law for your boss to push sexual advances on you. It's called sexual harassment and I believe you should seek a lawyer for that.
Author veryremorseful Posted March 4, 2005 Author Posted March 4, 2005 I am not in a good financial position to go for MC but we have counselling with our priest once in every 2 weeks or whenever I feel like talking. I would like to know your opinion about my post. Thanks for any help
whichwayisup Posted March 4, 2005 Posted March 4, 2005 Seems each of you have issues that need to be dealt with together and separately. Find out from your husband what his insurance covers MC or therapy. Some companies/insurance places cover a certain amount per year. Worth looking into because as much as a priest is a good listener, you need somebody to help you through your own needs, depression and thoughts. I do hope the priest helps in the meantime.
jmargel Posted March 4, 2005 Posted March 4, 2005 First off.. You are not an evil person. You made a mistake but it's not the end of the world. You need to stop beating yourself up over this. Like the other poster said, most insurance companies will cover counseling. Check into that. It's obvious that your husband has alot of anger he needs to deal with in a positive manner. Yelling at you and putting you down is not going to solve the problem. How was he before all of this happened? You two been having problems? If so, what kind? This OM.. was he a co-worker?
Author veryremorseful Posted March 4, 2005 Author Posted March 4, 2005 He is a good husband. He is back at school so he had to spend a lot of time with his studies and research. He is a wonderful parent and he has been always honest and faithful with me. He trusted me blindly. Would not ask any questions. The only thing is he has not been giving me a lot of attention. I became friendly with this guy at work who was supposed to be my mentor. Went out some 2 times for lunch and once for coffee. Took ride from him as mentioned before. Then the kissing night happened. My reaction was more of a response. The same night I was guilty. The next day I met him quite unwillingly becos I told him I was feeling like a slut. He said he would like to talk to me about it. After meeting him I felt he was using me and was more guilty. And that evening I told my husband. I did not tell him as a confession but more like he pushed me away etc etc. And later slowly slowly I told him everything else that happened . I did not have any problem breaking off the contact which basically implies I did not have anything for this OM other than I liked talking to him and enjoyed the attention he was giving me. But for that I did lie to my husband 2 days and the earlier times were lies of omission when I had gone out for coffee etc.
Ladyjane14 Posted March 7, 2005 Posted March 7, 2005 Any chance your medical insurance would cover part of the counceling.? Have you called your benefits hotline and asked? You won't last in the relationship in a constant state of punishment. You made a mistake. Your actions caused distrust in your husband and hurt him....as much as it would have hurt you if your roles were reversed. However, he can't punish you indefinately. There's only so long a person can live in "the doghouse" no matter what it was that they did, before resentment replaces remorse. You two need help. If you can't afford to get any MC, then do get down to the library and get some books on the marital relationship. It would seem that your husband is so caught up in the incident itself, that he's not looking for solutions to the problems inherent in the relationship that allowed this to happen. I'm not blaming him for your mistake....but it's going to take BOTH of you, working together, to fix it.
Author veryremorseful Posted March 8, 2005 Author Posted March 8, 2005 Thanks for your advice Jane My husband tries to understand but there are triggers that remind him of whatever i did and gets totally mad. He tells me he does not feel happy doing any activity with me now(walks, movies, outings etc). He was very happy in the marriage 3 months back before this happened. We used to sit together at family gatherings, now he will not be comfortable doing that. Sometimes he truly hates me. He will just push me away even if I am trying to hug him or kiss him. Sometimes he can see it as a mistake. I really wish I could go back in time and correct this. I would never do this if I ever had so much insight into affairs as I have now. It was soemthing I would never do so did not read up much on it.
sami Posted March 8, 2005 Posted March 8, 2005 You're not an evil person, you made a mistake. If he's not willing to forget and forgive, there's nothing more you can do. You did whatever you could in my opinion. Wish you the best.
DazednConfused Posted March 8, 2005 Posted March 8, 2005 Hi VR, It is still early and the fact that he is still around is a good sign. He wants to get past all this with you, but he doesn't know how. If he's not willing to forget and forgive, there's nothing more you can do. You did whatever you could in my opinion. It really is not a matter of willing. Ask any betrayed spouse anywhere, and being able to remove the pain while retaining the knowledge is probably their favorite wish. Trouble is; it doesn't work that way. It is so very easy to let triggers run away with your emotions and lead you back to the anger and resentment. There is nothing you can do to stop the triggers for him. they will come from the damnedest things and be completely unpredictable. My wife wore a sweater to work today. As we had our morning coffee, I looked at the sweater and was thinking "I wonder if **** had fun taking that off her." Now she has worn that same sweater a couple of times a month since before her affair, and I have never had a trigger from it...until today. Triggers will happen. What you can do is try to notice his pain when the triggers come and offer to talk it out with him. If he cannot be civil and express himself then you will have to remain calm and relaxed in the face of it. It will get better for both of you. Time, effort, and understanding are your very best friends right now, so take advantage of all of them. if you have something that is worth fighting for, then keep your eye on the goal. I wish you the best. -Dazed
Rick5478 Posted March 10, 2005 Posted March 10, 2005 So how much longer will it be before you cheat on your husband again for not giving you enough attention? A week or two.
li'l bunny Posted March 10, 2005 Posted March 10, 2005 Rick, honey. Do us all a favour and be quiet. All the woman did was kiss a guy. Big deal. Okay it's something that she shouldn't have done but she could've done alot worse. Also she told him about it straight away. I'm not saying that makes it okay to cheat if you tell them about it but come on... Sometimes I think of cheating on my hubby....you miss the romance and fun a relationship is supposed to have. You know maybe her H isn't for her. He certainly doesn't sound like someone who's very forgiving. I actually don't believe anyone stays faithful in a marriage whether it is an emotional or physical affair, I think everyone does it. I think you've done it and I'm sure I've done it (even if I didn't realise it). Just leave her alone.
Rick5478 Posted March 10, 2005 Posted March 10, 2005 Spoken like a typical cheating woman. I'll say it once, I'll say it again, If I ever met a woman in my life who was capable of being faithful to her husband, I'd die of shock. Only people who are not in love with their husbands would be capable of such a thing. I don't buy the nonsense that it has nothing to do with love. Of course it does. Men are expected to be superman in this society and the only thing men ask of women is to keep your legs closed when you're around other men and your all physically incapabale of doing that. It's a wonder men get married at all.
Owl Posted March 10, 2005 Posted March 10, 2005 With that seriously critical attitude Rick, I'd be astounded if you DID get married. Have you been involved in ANY way with an affair/infidelity situation? Betrayed spouse? Wayward Spouse? Other Person? Obviously not. It's darned easy to sit back and judge everyone involved, when you've never dealt with something like this yourself. I'm NOT saying that anyone is ever justified for cheating in anyway, quite the contrary. But I'm also saying that it's real easy to sit back and be so critical and judgmental of someone when you really haven't made any effort to understand anything about what they've been through.
Ladyjane14 Posted March 10, 2005 Posted March 10, 2005 Please read Midori's pinned thread:http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t54548/ Excerpt: This particular forum is focused on discussing the problems and experiences of those who are in relationships with cheating partners, or who are themselves cheating on their partners. It is certainly appropriate for others who are not in such a situation to offer their insight to posters here; however, it is only appropriate if it's done in a respectful and helpful manner. Sadly, your posts on this thread have been neither "respectful" nor "helpful". If there is some problem that you are having, why not consider starting a thread about it?
whichwayisup Posted March 10, 2005 Posted March 10, 2005 If there is some problem that you are having, why not consider starting a thread about it? I agree. Rick you do seem very bitter, but to come and s*** on everyone is really uncalled for. Why don't you post what is really eating you up and share your story? Maybe you will feel better to vent some of that anger out of your system.
li'l bunny Posted March 10, 2005 Posted March 10, 2005 By the way Rick, I didn't cheat on my H. I said I thought about a few times but didn't. Anyway, even if I did people don't write here to be told its wrong, they come here to be helped. Mostly they've already done it and they need to come to terms with the fact that they did this terrible thing.....I would say most of these women have a hard time believing they are capable of doing such a hurtful thing and want to learn how NEVER to do it again. If you're trying to upset people it's not going to work. I don't think you could upset anyone on this forum more than they are already.
Author veryremorseful Posted March 11, 2005 Author Posted March 11, 2005 This is not VR. I am her husband. She told me about this thread and I have been reading the postings. Some of the postings have been quite insightful - but not all of them. I would like to thank many of you for taking time to assuage my wife's remorse and sadness. I just want to make two points. First, every situation is different, so the damage caused by an affair has to be understood in that context. Second, I found postings that share personal experiences and feelings (that come from the heart) to be more helpful than knowledge-based advice or counselling (that come from the mind). I will elaborate of each of these points below. My expectations, and I think my W's expectations also, from marriage might have been different from some of the other married couples. We have known each other since the age of 5. Our families have known each other for a long time. We have a very interdependent family set-up. I married quite early - at the age of 25 - because I thought I had found the best life partner. We were made for each other in many ways. We have two handsome sons who are doing great at school. I am a rather personal man - there are only two passions in my life - my work and my family. And I was very, very proud of my career as well as my family. Everybody at work know my wife's name, what she does and what my priorities are. I don't pretend that I was a perfect husband - I might have been inattentive, more work focussed etc. But the point is that cheating was totally, totally, totally unexpected. I have never lied to my wife EVER. I do have female friends, and she knows the name of each of them and when I go out with them. And I know she has never ever lied to me in the past 10 years (before her affair). Therefore, I could not even imagine that my wife would want to cheat on me for some excitement and thrill in life. In fact, if she had not come and told me herself, I would have never guessed that she is having an affair. (Some of you might call me naive, but thats what I meant when I said that everybody may not have the same world view.) All she did was go out for coffee/lunch/dinner with a colleage a few times and then finally kiss him. It might seem a frivolous transgression to some of you. But for me, it broke my complete world. Why would she want to lie to me when she is going out with a colleague? Why would she want to kiss and romanticize with someone when she does not love him and she only loves me? Nobody, not even her parents know her as well as I do; I know she really loves me and has no emotions for that man. In fact, she even complained about the OM to her boss when he tried to call her the next time (after kissing). My mind tells me that it was just an implusive, experimental behavior of a fallible human. She was always a "good girl" and she wanted to get the "bad girl" feeling. That also explains why she is so remorseful now. But my heart sometimes refuses to understand. Will I ever be able to forget that she glibly lied to me just to get some attention and adrenaline-flow? Will I ever be able to trust her blindly the way I did all the past years? And when I visualize their passionate kiss, I just feel like banging my head on the wall....Thats why I get very, very mad sometimes. When I just want to run out and not come back for a long time. When I feel like having a revenge affair. Of course, I dont intend to have one.... Second, while I found some of the postings (e.g., the one by Dazed'Confused) very useful, I found the others quite misleading. I observed that when people just share their feelings - what I feel, what my spouse felt, etc.- then it helps. But when people make judgmental remarks or superficial advices - oh, its normal to make a mistake, you did not do much, this is what my advice is, u are a bad person, etc. - it does not really help the situation.
Rick5478 Posted March 12, 2005 Posted March 12, 2005 So she cheated on you with somebody she had no emotions for. That makes it worse in my opinion. She betrayed you for nothing. She wants the bad girl feeling? There's plenty of ways to be a "bad girl" without cheating on your husband. Personally, I don't believe she loves you. And if she does it's only because she can cheat on you and get away with it. Hell, if that's the type of man you are then no wonder she's so lucky. But I don't blame you. I just think it's sad that in this society men are bashed at every corner. Just watch any sitcom. But then when women do something wrong...well that's okay. My husband wasn't paying me enough attention. My husband works too much. I'm not using it as an excuse but my husband...blah blah blah. I love when people say "that's no excuse for what I done." They usually say that right after they've used it as an excuse. But whatever. Maybe from now on she really won't cheat on you. Just like when she took those vows to be faithful. Good luck.
Author veryremorseful Posted March 12, 2005 Author Posted March 12, 2005 Hey Rick, I don't want to get into an argument with you. I do not need a certification from you about my wife's character. I am not trying at act Mr. Good here by being forgiving, understanding etc. I packed my bags and almost moved out. But then I realized that it was a genuine mistake. Several factors contributed to it. Her insecurity, her friends etc. etc. I don't think it really had anything to do with me. Or for that matter anything to do with the man with whom she had the fling. The fact remains that she hurt me. But I believe that she did not anticipate the consequences of her impulsive behavior.
whichwayisup Posted March 12, 2005 Posted March 12, 2005 VR, and Mr VR...Completey ignore Rick right now. He is obviously very bitter about his life - HAS NOT posted about it at all, yet he feels the need to s*** on various women in these threads. He isn't worth the energy. Until he posts about what crawled up his butt, I don't think anybody is giving him the time of day. Mr VR, Read Owl and Dazed's own personal threads. Read Thumbingmyway, Flea and Sys too. Alot of helpful advice is in there and I think it could help both of you. The Love is there, don't give up. Work through this together, do marriage councilling, communicate and be open about everything. I'm sure some others I mentioned will jump in here as well and give you some good words of advice. I commend you for coming on here and reading...Maybe seeing your wifes words- Spoken from her heart will help you know how much she does love you and wants it to work. Hope this helps. Hang in there.
Rick5478 Posted March 12, 2005 Posted March 12, 2005 Okay, so her fling had nothing to do with you and nothing to do with her. Am I missing something here? She didn't anticipate the consequences of her action? So you're telling me that during your entire relationship, you never had a conversation about trust and faithfulness? If not, she still should know better. She knew what she was doing and she knew it would hurt you. But in the moment she didn't give a damn about what she was doing. Now that it's over with she feels guilty. How sweet. But if you wish to stay with her, good luck, you're gonna need it. The reason I don't talk about my personal life is because I don't need your opinions. I was cheated on, we broke up within 5 minutes of our discussion. I kicked her out, changed my number, and the bitch is out of my life for good. And NO, I didn't do anything to deserve it. And I don't need anybody's advice about what I should've done. I'm not going to torture myself like every other guy on here.
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