nimbo Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 Hi everybody. It's been a while since I dated, and I am a little insecure by nature, so I thought it might be a good idea to run this by people and try and discover if I'm being unreasonable in this situation, as my girlfriend suggests I am being. I'll try and lay out the facts rather than my own take on it and see what people here think. We are both in our 30's and have been dating for a few months, we both live in Maryland. My girlfriend has a conference coming up in October and must travel to Toronto for a couple of days. She is very nervous about navigating an unfamiliar city alone (which I understand). I tried to get time off work so I could accompany her, but it wasn't possible. Instead she is suggesting that she get back in touch with her ex fiance who lives 3 hours from Toronto. She wants to ask him to accompany her there for a couple of days so that she won't be lost and anxious there. He studies in the same field, so he reasons that the conference would be of interest to him too anyway. This ex fiance still has feelings for her and repeatedly makes attempts to get get back in touch with her. He's also a broke student which means that my gf would have to pay his travel to Toronto, and I'm guessing he'd have to share her hotel room also. I told her I was very uncomfortable about the whole thing and she just went off on me of not trusting her. I would never expect a girl to allow me to do the reverse, but am I being unreasonable and mistrusting, like she says?
Keenly Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 You expressed your feelings ( which are completely valid by the way ) and she defensively reacted and got angry. The flags waving in used car lots are smaller than this giant red one.
MidwestUSA Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 Toronto is quite navigable. She's in her thirties? LOL. Doormen and registrars can tell you everything you need about how to get from point A to point B (something I did all by my lonesome, in my thirties, and it was mostly walking). I have some swampland I'd like to sell you.
Author nimbo Posted September 10, 2014 Author Posted September 10, 2014 Thanks for the replies. I do genuinely believe that the only reason she wants him to come along is because she is uncomfortable with traveling alone. She has on many occasions complained about this guy wanting to get back in touch, and ignores his emails. It seems to me that she just wants to use him to get her out of this bind, which is a separate and not so cool issue that I won't get into here. She claims that the conference would be of benefit to him too, or that is how she is rationalizing it. Even if I trust that she has no interest in this guy, am I right in feeling it's not appropriate and object to it?
acrosstheuniverse Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 Your girlfriend is a mature woman not a little child and will be able to navigate a new city if she tries. I don't think it's unreasonable to not want your partner to meet up for a weekend with their ex hours away. I would be uncomfortable in this situation too. Some might be fine with it, but the point is that YOU aren't happy and your girlfriend sounds like she plans to go ahead with it anyway. If she was truly looking to stop this guy from getting back in touch she'd find a way. Deleting and blocking him on social media, even going so far as to get in touch with authorities if she needs to. She likes the attention, hence encouraging it by allowing him to continue to contact her and suggesting she meets up with him. 1
Zahara Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 I do genuinely believe that the only reason she wants him to come along is because she is uncomfortable with traveling alone. She's in her 30's and is afraid to travel alone? A grown woman, a professional can't travel on her own? I traveled halfway across the world and backpacked on my own when I was 21. It's a BS excuse. What happens if her work requires more travel? She has to have you around to babysit her? Or dig up old boyfriends to help her? She has on many occasions complained about this guy wanting to get back in touch, and ignores his emails. But now he becomes useable for her needs? It seems to me that she just wants to use him to get her out of this bind, which is a separate and not so cool issue that I won't get into here. She claims that the conference would be of benefit to him too, or that is how she is rationalizing it. Speaks a lot about her character. Using someone she knows has an emotional attachment to her because she needs help with her issues. Even if I trust that she has no interest in this guy, am I right in feeling it's not appropriate and object to it? You are warranted in how you feel. I would not stand for it. 1
preraph Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 I don't believe for a moment that she's afraid to "navigate" Toronto. First of all, it's a conference and all she has to do is get to he hotel and airport and back. I think that's the excuse she manufactured. Plus at best, she's yanking her ex's chain if he still wants her, and that's just cruel.
Author nimbo Posted September 10, 2014 Author Posted September 10, 2014 For the record, I do believe she is genuinely anxious about navigating a new city on her own, hard as it might be for some people to understand. That said, I'm glad for the reassurance that I'm not being unreasonable here! 1
smackie9 Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 People with anxiety have a hard time "hardening up" being in unfamilliar situatutions so her fears are valid. You can help her set up a GPS app on her phone, she can cab it where ever she needs to go, and she will meet others at the conference to hang out with to put herself at ease. You can also tell her to call you if she needs some confidence boosting to calm her nerves. Anxiety is the real deal for some, and it's effects can be dehabilitating. She might want to look into seeing a behavior therapist or find a support group to help her work on her fears.
Zahara Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 (edited) For the record, I do believe she is genuinely anxious about navigating a new city on her own, hard as it might be for some people to understand. Airport taxi to hotel. Hotel taxi to conference. Taxi to hotel. Hotel taxi to airport. How hard can that be? Having lived in Maryland, and I am sure you guys have been to DC/VA metro area -- tall Buildings, city lights and tons of people. She definitely can navigate Toronto. If you tell me she's lived on a farm in Timbuktu, then I would understand. But a 30 year old woman living in Maryland afraid to navigate Toronto. No different from any city similar to your current surroundings. Edited September 10, 2014 by Zahara
d0nnivain Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 Asking some random friend in the same field to help her would be OK. Not necessary, imo, because the conference organizers & a halfway decent travel guide or app on her phone will get her all the info she needs but if she has that much anxiety, who am I to judge her need for an actual person to help. For that person to be her EX who still holds a torch for her, no way. You aren't the one being unreasonable. If she came home from the conference, told you she bumped into him there & even if she had a drink with him, I'd tell you to simmer down but for her to actively seek him out is bad.
veggirl Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 How much "navigating" on her own will this require? Presumably she is staying close to the conference and will take a cab there? I think it's totally inappropriate for her to hit up her ex for this! I would def be suspect of the motives because "navigation" just doesn't add up. Is this her first time traveling for a conference? What has she done in the past? Where will her ex stay during the trip? Her major flip out when you expressed concern is a huge red flag and imo paints her as more guilty than innocent. omg I just reread and saw he will SHARE HER HOTEL ROOM and she will PAY for his trip!?? Gimme a break! So wildly inappropriate!
slizl Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 The ex bf is three hours outside of Toronto. He probably knows less about the city and how to navigate it than she does. This whole thing sounds SUPER fishy!
beach Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 Thanks for the replies. I do genuinely believe that the only reason she wants him to come along is because she is uncomfortable with traveling alone. She has on many occasions complained about this guy wanting to get back in touch, and ignores his emails. It seems to me that she just wants to use him to get her out of this bind, which is a separate and not so cool issue that I won't get into here. She claims that the conference would be of benefit to him too, or that is how she is rationalizing it. Even if I trust that she has no interest in this guy, am I right in feeling it's not appropriate and object to it? I think that's childish. She's a grown woman! She can navigate herself! A conference is usually set up so that it makes it simple and easy to participate in the events laid out for the attendees. Her solution of calling upon the ex that still chases her is a big fat excuse to see him again. If she can't look at a map and find her way around an area then she has no business traveling. Being so childish to need so done to hold her hand is immature. If she's that much of a baby she should stay home. But I think you know in your gut that it's an excuse to reconnect with a man that strokes her ego.
pteromom Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 You aren't being unreasonable. And I am one of those people who thinks that being friends with an ex-fiance is fine. But there is just nothing appropriate about this on any level. And I don't know how she can't see your point of view. Would she be ok with you going out of town with an ex? 1
beach Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 She didn't even consider that this suggestion might hurt your feelings/relationship. That's one selfish and self centered woman.
Fondue Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 You aren't being unreasonable. And I am one of those people who thinks that being friends with an ex-fiance is fine. But there is just nothing appropriate about this on any level. And I don't know how she can't see your point of view. Would she be ok with you going out of town with an ex? You said exactly what I was planning on saying. You should definitely introduce that idea to her. Would she be okay with this if the situation was in reverse? If you were planning on heading out of town with an ex? Watch. You ask her that question, she'll flip her ****. Which makes her perception of reality even that much more ridiculous. She's delusional if she thinks this is appropriate behavior on her part. ----- FYI, she's not shaping up to being a great catch. I'd be very wary of this one.
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