thefilmguy24 Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 I have a question to ask. I may sound like I’m over reacting on this and may seem like I’m taking things too personal. I have been with my GF for 4 years. I’m 32, she is 35. We have a 3 year old daughter together who is our world to us. When we were dating, we were texting each other all day even during work. When the “honeymoon phase” was over, we still texted each other pretty regularly asking each other how their day was and that we love each other. Then a situation happened last year (that’s for another post, if you want to read it, it’s in the infidelity thread in my profile), the texts are not as regular as they used to be. Now, I’ve been trying to keep up on things to show her that I do care for her and I love her, which of course I do. So every morning, before I go into work ( I start work when she gets up in the morning) I text her good morning and telling her to have a good day at work. I used to get a response back from her, but now I don’t even get a response back. I’ve checked her phone and her facebook messages and she messages people around the time I send her my text. I understand that when she’s getting ready for work, she also has to get our daughter ready for school as well. I get that. But if she has the time to text and message people in the morning, she has the time to text me back as well. I’m kind of pissed off that she does this and I’m thinking of bringing this up and talking to her, just don’t want it to cause an argument with her. Am I wrong to feel this way? Am I being over dramatic and taking things too personal? Should I just let it go and still keep doing what I’m doing? Am I being insecure? Please any honest advice or comments are appreciated. I can take it. Thank you.
Elias33 Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 I think you made a good observation. You are aware and diligent, and there is nothing wrong with that. these slight changes in behavior may not mean anything, but could mean everything. It is good you have noticed this. I would however refrain from checking her facebook, and rather, just ask why you don't get a response back. Bring it up calmly and wisely, as if you are just curious. Take a few deep breaths and remember to remain calm no matter how she responds. If she answers in a calm manner she may have a logical explanation, if she is defensive, they may be more at hand, just observe how she reacts. Just don't check on her anymore, you will want to trust her naturally instead of already have taken steps that would make you feel other wise. You are not insecure, you just noticed a change and that is a sign you care. The way you go about it, that is what determines whether you are insecure or not.
d0nnivain Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 Getting this worked up over a text at your ages & when you are co parenting sounds silly to me but I can also see where since you used to have it & don't now, it's absence could be bothersome. Talk to her. Tell her that you miss her responses. Ask her to continue. It's such a little thing for her to do for you & had such big implications if she won't that you have to bring it out into the open. 4
mightycpa Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 I’m thinking of bringing this up and talking to her, just don’t want it to cause an argument with her Then voice your concern in a way that is not whiny and not hurt. Letting her know you feel unappreciated for your efforts is probably ok, but don't stray into the "my feelings are hurt." You can save that for later, in case this is foreshadowing of bigger hurts to come. In addition, offer her the option to stop sending her these texts in the AM, and do it in a way that sounds sincere and that will allow her to choose it without repercussions. You might want to try practicing that in a mirror. I once had a girlfriend who taught me how to quarrel in good faith. It helped bring the drama down to zero, increased real intimacy, and we could both feel like we could bring our issue forward without fear. I've taken that with me and it has been valuable.
Zahara Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 I understand you being insecure. If I found out my partner was having an affair only a month or so ago, every little thing that was out of the ordinary would trigger me. Maybe a part of her has somewhat checked out or detached from the relationship since infidelity has been very recent. Are you guys going to counselling together to get over that hurdle?
Author thefilmguy24 Posted September 10, 2014 Author Posted September 10, 2014 Then voice your concern in a way that is not whiny and not hurt. Letting her know you feel unappreciated for your efforts is probably ok, but don't stray into the "my feelings are hurt." You can save that for later, in case this is foreshadowing of bigger hurts to come. In addition, offer her the option to stop sending her these texts in the AM, and do it in a way that sounds sincere and that will allow her to choose it without repercussions. You might want to try practicing that in a mirror. I once had a girlfriend who taught me how to quarrel in good faith. It helped bring the drama down to zero, increased real intimacy, and we could both feel like we could bring our issue forward without fear. I've taken that with me and it has been valuable. Thank you for your response and advice. I just don’t know what you mean here. Could you explain it? Lately I have been trying the calm demeanor and not sound to whiny or sound like I’m complaining and it has been working but she is like me though, hard headed and stubborn at times.
Author thefilmguy24 Posted September 10, 2014 Author Posted September 10, 2014 I understand you being insecure. If I found out my partner was having an affair only a month or so ago, every little thing that was out of the ordinary would trigger me. Maybe a part of her has somewhat checked out or detached from the relationship since infidelity has been very recent. Are you guys going to counselling together to get over that hurdle? In my thread of my suspicion of her cheating, she doesn't know that I have something that proves that she lied to me about meeting this guy in the Philippine Islands( she is filipina if you haven't read it) but no proof that anything physical happened. So no we haven't been to counseling and this event happened last summer so it wasn't recently.
Zahara Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 In my thread of my suspicion of her cheating, she doesn't know that I have something that proves that she lied to me about meeting this guy in the Philippine Islands( she is filipina if you haven't read it) but no proof that anything physical happened. So no we haven't been to counseling and this event happened last summer so it wasn't recently. Why didn't you approach her about it? I read the first post on that thread but didn't get to why you chose to put it behind you.
Author thefilmguy24 Posted September 10, 2014 Author Posted September 10, 2014 Why didn't you approach her about it? I read the first post on that thread but didn't get to why you chose to put it behind you. We've talked about it already that I don't condone such behavior of her talking with other guys behind my back because even if the relationship was not physical it was still emotional and is considered cheating. We talked or I should say I talked for about an hour or hour and half about our issues and her taking things to talking someone about our issues besides me. She understands this now and has even told a friend of mine that she does love me and cares about me. She has been good a at leaving her phone unlocked and not sleeping with the phone under her pillow for almost a year. So I know nothing is going on.
Zahara Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 We've talked about it already that I don't condone such behavior of her talking with other guys behind my back because even if the relationship was not physical it was still emotional and is considered cheating. We talked or I should say I talked for about an hour or hour and half about our issues and her taking things to talking someone about our issues besides me. She understands this now and has even told a friend of mine that she does love me and cares about me. She has been good a at leaving her phone unlocked and not sleeping with the phone under her pillow for almost a year. So I know nothing is going on. Got it. I was under the impression from your previous post that she had no idea that you knew what was going on behind your back. You can talk to her about it and let her know you welcome reciprocation from her and that you wish things could go back to what they were moving forward in light of what happened in terms of her infidelity. She may still love you and care for you, but seeing that she was going behind your back for a year, I have to wonder if the attachment she has to you has somewhat been tarnished. The fact that she sometimes doesn't even answer you is an issue.
Author thefilmguy24 Posted September 10, 2014 Author Posted September 10, 2014 Got it. I was under the impression from your previous post that she had no idea that you knew what was going on behind your back. You can talk to her about it and let her know you welcome reciprocation from her and that you wish things could go back to what they were moving forward in light of what happened in terms of her infidelity. She may still love you and care for you, but seeing that she was going behind your back for a year, I have to wonder if the attachment she has to you has somewhat been tarnished. The fact that she sometimes doesn't even answer you is an issue. Yeah, sorry I wasn’t clear on what I posted. What I meant was that she doesn’t know what evidence of proof I have but knows that I have something that can call her out on it. I think that’s why she isn’t talking with this guy or any other guy for that matter because she knows that she messed up badly and needs to keep the trust in the relationship. But I do agree with you with her not responding to me is somewhat an issue, nothing too big but enough to bother me a little bit. I also do want things to go back to what they were before and I’m sure she does too. She just needs to work a little harder. She is the type of person that says she wants things to “just flow” and not force anything, which I agree to some extent. I want to take things to the next level as I have already put a down deposit on a ring, which I know some of you are saying “why would I do that If some things still bother you?” Well to answer that is because I do love her with every fiber in my being and I can accept some of the things she does. But I do have to be honest with myself that I also need to “man up” and talk to her like an adult about things that may bother me and vice versa with her. Communication is the key in every relationship and our communication is getting better. She does at times talk about things that I do that bother her and she is talking to me more about every day things too. But I think I need to stop bottling up my feelings and emotions (which I tend to do a lot) and just let her know.
Zahara Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 She is the type of person that says she wants things to “just flow” and not force anything, which I agree to some extent. I want to take things to the next level as I have already put a down deposit on a ring, which I know some of you are saying “why would I do that If some things still bother you?” Well to answer that is because I do love her with every fiber in my being and I can accept some of the things she does. But I do have to be honest with myself that I also need to “man up” and talk to her like an adult about things that may bother me and vice versa with her. Communication is the key in every relationship and our communication is getting better. She does at times talk about things that I do that bother her and she is talking to me more about every day things too. But I think I need to stop bottling up my feelings and emotions (which I tend to do a lot) and just let her know. Love is not usually enough to look past certain missteps that have happened in a relationship. If you can't openly communicate with her without having to feel insecure, then you shouldn't be thinking about marriage but rather working on tying loose ends first and strengthening your foundation. If she wants to go with the flow, by all means that is fine but it doesn't take away from the fact that she has to put in the effort seeing that her actions have caused the relationship to somewhat derail. And just because she wants to go with the flow, it doesn't mean you should sit quiet without being able to communicate your needs. Are you both still living with her parents? At 32 and 35 with a kid, you guys should be on your own feet before you get engaged/married.
Author thefilmguy24 Posted September 10, 2014 Author Posted September 10, 2014 Love is not usually enough to look past certain missteps that have happened in a relationship. If you can't openly communicate with her without having to feel insecure, then you shouldn't be thinking about marriage but rather working on tying loose ends first and strengthening your foundation. If she wants to go with the flow, by all means that is fine but it doesn't take away from the fact that she has to put in the effort seeing that her actions have caused the relationship to somewhat derail. And just because she wants to go with the flow, it doesn't mean you should sit quiet without being able to communicate your needs. Are you both still living with her parents? At 32 and 35 with a kid, you guys should be on your own feet before you get engaged/married. Yes we are still at her parents’ house as we are trying to save up for our own place. She does want to move out of as she is a very independent woman but still have really strong family values as she is the one where everyone gives her money for the bills or help with something regarding her parents’ bills or whatever they need (they speak English but not very comfortable speaking it, they mostly speak Tagalog). Where we live, it’s just too expensive to own a house so I’ve been trying to get her to apply for the same type of job she has now where I work ( I work out of town, about 2 hours away) since the cost of living is cheaper and the homes are more easily affordable. She’s just afraid of losing her salary and her benefits she has with her job but I have been telling her that yes she would be taking a small pay cut but everything would break even due to the cost of living where I work. I’m thinking her reasons beyond her job security and pay is that she’s afraid to move away from her family. I think that if I do pop the question to her, I think she would seriously think of moving to the area where I work since we would be able to be on our own in our own place we can call home. I understand what you’re saying that I need to communicate with her more on my end to be able to get the emotional needs that I need out of the relationship.
azureorb Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 Yeah, you do need to man up with this girl. This isn't a girl you've been seeing for 4 weeks for crying out loud. You have a daughter together and have been together for 4 YEARS! She's dictating the pace, and making you feel like you're pushing boundaries by being concerned by stuff you SHOULD be concerned about. If you don't have communication between you two, and you think you 'should' go with the "don't ask, don't tell" mantra and just flow with things when things are incomplete -- all you're doing is avoiding potential conflict, at the COST of the relationship down the line. You can't bottle things up -- you have to lay it out + showing appreciation for her and how you feel about her at the same time. Some people's cultures or sub-culture/upbringing is about avoiding (potential) conflict -- sweep under rug, don't talk about it -- etc. Let her know that. And let her know that that's fine in the right situations for a short period of time, etc -- but you can't ignore the elephant in the room for too long that you feel she's lost her mojo about you and she. Throw some sense of humor into it to lighten the mood, too. Oddly enough this will ease the tension, etc. And let her know that you can't be in a relationship that seems like a half-relationship as a half-ex-half-gf, and that's not good for her, either. Don't let fear of her wanting to break up with you underneath it all scare you. Stand forward, stand up, and know that you wouldn't want that either, as she won't feel so in control about dictating the pace of ebbing away -- as you're willing to Step away if need be, despite having all the feelings in the world about her.
Zahara Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 (edited) I understand what you’re saying that I need to communicate with her more on my end to be able to get the emotional needs that I need out of the relationship. I think you hold back on that because you are afraid to rock the boat with her. You even said in one of your posts that you believe you've lost your balls in the relationship. Maybe it all boils down to you finding your self-esteem and strength in this relationship. Edited September 10, 2014 by Zahara
Author thefilmguy24 Posted September 10, 2014 Author Posted September 10, 2014 (edited) I think you hold back on that because you are afraid to rock the boat with her. You even said in one of your posts that you believe you've lost your balls in the relationship. Maybe it all boils down to you finding your self-esteem and strength in this relationship. I can’t argue that I may feel that I’ve “lost” my balls and don’t have any self esteem or confidence. I’ve had major issues with dating women in the past and never could figure out what I was doing wrong. I’ve always been someone that over thought things and began to over react to when things were going sideways. I then tend to bottle things up, which is not good but I think it’s a defensive mechanism. Plus this the longest relationship i ever had. When I met her, I did have the confidence and the self esteem when I was with her. But for some reason I’ve been feeling insecure and over think things. I have to find my confidence again like I did before and show her that I am willing to stand up for my feelings since a relationship is a two-way street. Edited September 10, 2014 by thefilmguy24 Forgot to add something
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