stateofgrace Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 Okay I haven't been on here in a while now..my boyfriend and I have been dating almost 8 months now. For any of you who have read my previous posts, I have an issue with over-thinking things. However, I've really settled down with that over the last few months and have been able to relax and truly enjoy this great relationship I'm in. And it's been really great! Obviously, I still over-think things, but I was more able to shake them off and tell myself "every time you think something bad is going to happen, it doesn't, so chill out". With that being said, I've noticed the sex has dwindled. Which is fine, I've been in another long term relationship, I get that sex dwindles...but in my last relationship, we didn't have sex nearly as much even to begin with. I've finally found someone who's on my level in terms of sexual needs, which is fantastic. My boyfriend has been pretty stressed at work, and I know that's probably part of it. How big of a part? I don't know. I apologize for the graphics of this story, but last night, we went to bed and we kissed good night, turned into a make out session which then led to sex. All well and good, but for SOME REASON (due to my stupid brain probably) I got the vibe that he felt like he HAD to do this? I don't know I can't explain it. He didn't cum during sex, which was odd in itself, it kinda went on for longer than usual, then he kinda just stopped to lay down, so I started giving him head. He seemed to be enjoying it, but still, didn't cum. He then started jerking himself off, which to me, is kind of a slap in the face, but I didn't say anything obviously. I started masturbating for him to give him a visual, he came, we went to bed. The sex we have is usually so passionate and intense....now the frequency has dwindled a bit, which I know is normal and since I know work has been stressful, I know that's probably part of it too, but the intensity and passion hadn't changed until last night. I just can't help but not think about it....I have nothing really to compare this to, as sex with my last long term boyfriend was fairly lack lustre, always. I've never felt so connected and felt so much passion towards another person than my boyfriend, I've never felt this way about anyone, so it's worrying me that last night I felt disconnected from him and felt like I couldn't satisfy him the way I usually can. Is this a normal situation that happens when you get more comfortable in a relationship? Or something else? I mean when he left this morning he still told me he loved me and stuff, but I just feel weird about yesterday and since I've never been in a serious relationship where the sex was this great, it's just worrying me that it wasn't so great yesterday. I guess it can't be off-the-charts-amazing every time..right? Ugh. I'm really hoping someone is just going to say...you're being silly and this is something that just happens sometimes, just another thing where I think something bad is going on but nothing is at all, the honeymoon stage is ending and that's okay, but I don't know. Any insights or advice would be greatly appreciated!
smackie9 Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 Yes there is a problem! you need to confront him about it. It's possible he is A. doing too much porn and is desensitizing himself, B. He is losing interest. or C. he is cheating. This kind of change means something IS up, and you need to deal with it now.
acrosstheuniverse Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 I think you're stressing over nothing. You don't have to have incredible sex every single night. The sex last night wasn't even that terrible, right? Sex, oral, masturbation... and he still got off. I don't see anything in your post that indicates he must feel he HAS to have sex with you, although chances are the more you stress about how the quality/amount of sex you have does or does not reflect the current quality of the relationship, the more he's going to feel pressured into having sex even if he doesn't want to. Sometimes I'm too tired to have sex. Sometimes my partner is. I've had relationships where we've had phenomenal sex every single night, and relationships where we've had okay sex a couple of times a week. It's different for every person and it's a good sign that you're both capable of doing stuff in bed that the other person loves, it's a good thing you got off to such a good start. It means even if you get to a stage where you don't do it as often, you'll both still enjoy it. I would try to ignore the people stating that he MUST be cheating, desensitised or not into you anymore. Even if he was desensitised, that doesn't necessarily mean he would cheat. Some people have more strenuous morals, that they stick to even when things get rough or aren't all fairytale ripping each other's clothes off anymore. Try to chill out. And try not to see masturbation as a slap in the face, see it as an awesome addition to your love life. Sometimes a partner of mine might not get off. Perhaps some medication they're on is numbing them. Perhaps they already rubbed one out twice that day without mentioning it and therefore they're finding it harder to come again. Perhaps they just weren't as horny as usual and still wanted to get off. Perhaps they just think it's hot. I love seeing a partner touch himself like that. Good luck. 1
Author stateofgrace Posted September 10, 2014 Author Posted September 10, 2014 I think you're stressing over nothing. You don't have to have incredible sex every single night. The sex last night wasn't even that terrible, right? Sex, oral, masturbation... and he still got off. I don't see anything in your post that indicates he must feel he HAS to have sex with you, although chances are the more you stress about how the quality/amount of sex you have does or does not reflect the current quality of the relationship, the more he's going to feel pressured into having sex even if he doesn't want to. Sometimes I'm too tired to have sex. Sometimes my partner is. I've had relationships where we've had phenomenal sex every single night, and relationships where we've had okay sex a couple of times a week. It's different for every person and it's a good sign that you're both capable of doing stuff in bed that the other person loves, it's a good thing you got off to such a good start. It means even if you get to a stage where you don't do it as often, you'll both still enjoy it. I would try to ignore the people stating that he MUST be cheating, desensitised or not into you anymore. Even if he was desensitised, that doesn't necessarily mean he would cheat. Some people have more strenuous morals, that they stick to even when things get rough or aren't all fairytale ripping each other's clothes off anymore. Try to chill out. And try not to see masturbation as a slap in the face, see it as an awesome addition to your love life. Sometimes a partner of mine might not get off. Perhaps some medication they're on is numbing them. Perhaps they already rubbed one out twice that day without mentioning it and therefore they're finding it harder to come again. Perhaps they just weren't as horny as usual and still wanted to get off. Perhaps they just think it's hot. I love seeing a partner touch himself like that. Good luck. Thank you. I appreciate all your advice! For the record, I do not believe he's cheating on me at all. I would lean more towards being worried he was losing interest/not attracted to me anymore or something, but I feel like that's the voice inside my head that causes me to worry about silly things that's telling me that, rather than what's actually happening. However, I'm not 100% sure either. And you're right, the sex wasn't BAD. It was good as always, I just felt, I don't know, disconnected or something. I can't put my finger on it, I just felt kind of...inadequate? I guess you could say? That I couldn't get him off like I normally can. I want to be able to satisfy him in every way possible, including sex obviously. So I guess the situation at hand caused me to worry that I'm NOT satisfying him. However, we had amazing sex on Saturday so I mean, things can't change just like that..I don't think. Like I said, I do over-think and worry about things. I'm not going to bring this up as an issue to him, as I don't want him to feel pressured or anything of the sort. I don't want to add to the stress he's already under at work. You're right, I should just chill out and try to let it go. He's coming over tonight as far as I know, so hopefully all will be totally normal and I'll feel ridiculous for thinking anything different. Which is normally what happens, and I'd rather feel ridiculous to myself about over-thinking a situation rather than being right about it...lol Thank you again, you put my mind at ease I think lol
CharlieFox Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 If I were you, I would begin to worry if this happened a few times in a roll, or was something that was happening over time. Just last night sex wasn't that good and you're already worried about it? If you expect to have amazing sex every time, then you're in for a disappointment, because this happens in all other good things - sometimes, it just isn't that good. It's normal.
slizl Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 It was just one night, no big deal. Secondly, sometimes it is harder to cum than other times for no apparent reason. If he had anything to drink/smoke/etc. that makes it even harder. Lastly, sometimes guys just want a quickie, not a lot of passion or emotion or effort. I wouldn't over think it at all.
pteromom Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 And you're right, the sex wasn't BAD. It was good as always, I just felt, I don't know, disconnected or something. Maybe he did feel disconnected. But it was ONE night. I wouldn't worry too much about it unless it becomes a pattern. If he is stressed at work, that can definitely get in the way of focusing on sex. Try to create a romantic evening this weekend when he is off work, and see what happens. Start with a nice dinner where you just talk and connect before the sex even begins. I just felt kind of...inadequate? I guess you could say? That I couldn't get him off like I normally can. I want to be able to satisfy him in every way possible, including sex obviously. This isn't realistic. If you were unable to orgasm for some reason, would you blame him? Sometimes these things just happen. I say good for him for taking things into his own hand to get it done (It is NOT a slap in the face - it's solving the issue before he gets so frustrated by not being able to finish that he starts having ED issues.) So I guess the situation at hand caused me to worry that I'm NOT satisfying him. Do you trust him? If so, you have to trust that he will communicate with you if he has some kind of issue.
Gaeta Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 If you spend a life time with someone you will go through phases of all kinds. Relationships aren't dandy 24/day 365 days a year. Stress among other things will affect him or you, it's not a matter if it will happen to couples, it's when it will happen, cause every couple goes through this. I think you worry for nothing. I also think if he has to make himself cum you should not take this as a slap in the face. I can only assume you are a young woman to be thinking this way. It happens to the best of us, it may even happen to you one day and it has nothing to do with you not desiring him.
leavesonautumn Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 Thank you. I appreciate all your advice! For the record, I do not believe he's cheating on me at all. I would lean more towards being worried he was losing interest/not attracted to me anymore or something, but I feel like that's the voice inside my head that causes me to worry about silly things that's telling me that, rather than what's actually happening. However, I'm not 100% sure either. And you're right, the sex wasn't BAD. It was good as always, I just felt, I don't know, disconnected or something. I can't put my finger on it, I just felt kind of...inadequate? I guess you could say? That I couldn't get him off like I normally can. I want to be able to satisfy him in every way possible, including sex obviously. So I guess the situation at hand caused me to worry that I'm NOT satisfying him. However, we had amazing sex on Saturday so I mean, things can't change just like that..I don't think. Like I said, I do over-think and worry about things. I'm not going to bring this up as an issue to him, as I don't want him to feel pressured or anything of the sort. I don't want to add to the stress he's already under at work. You're right, I should just chill out and try to let it go. He's coming over tonight as far as I know, so hopefully all will be totally normal and I'll feel ridiculous for thinking anything different. Which is normally what happens, and I'd rather feel ridiculous to myself about over-thinking a situation rather than being right about it...lol Thank you again, you put my mind at ease I think lol You're definitely over-thinking things. With my ex, the sex was mind blowing about 90% of the time. The other times were just okay or one of us wasn't too into it, too much stress, depression, etc etc. Sometimes life just gets in the way of sex and that's totally okay. People underestimate what stress can do to a man in regards to sex. He can still be horny or want you but his body just isn't up for it. A man will not always literally be 100% rock hard. Doesn't mean he is cheating or is suddenly not attracted to you. If you're stressed about it, he will recognize that and feel the stress as well which will make things worse. Just don't get upset with him or talk down his "manliness". Reassure him that you still love him and are attracted to him and don't let him beat himself up over it either.
Dork Vader Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 Was alcohol involved? How old is he? I have had ED issues due to stress and alcohol. I'm 30 and it just started to happen. It doesn't mean I'm not attracted to the woman or that things are not good. It's just aging. It can also be a poor diet. If the problem continues I've found a healthier diet and exercise help greatly.
smackie9 Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 I never encoutered a guy having this kind of issue....I have had BFs that were sick with the flu and it never stopped them. Best thing to do is to keep an eye on it, and if it continues be supportive and ask him if he is ok....maybe he needs a little push to open up. Probably make him feel better because it such a sensetive topic for most guys.
Fondue Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 Yes there is a problem! you need to confront him about it. It's possible he is A. doing too much porn and is desensitizing himself, B. He is losing interest. or C. he is cheating. This kind of change means something IS up, and you need to deal with it now. Woah, hold your horses! If you jump to these radical conclusions so quickly, you're bound to **** up any relationship in no time! It just happened ONE time. Leave it alone. It happens to every man. Sometimes more frequently then others.
chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 Why is masturbation a slap in the face? It's his body and he will always know how to get himself off better than anyone, even a long-term partner! Sometimes sex just doesn't do it. Sometimes it's exhaustion. Sometimes it's frustration. Sometimes it's stress. Who cares? I have found that if I pay lots of attention while my man pleasures himself, acting like it's the hottest and most interesting and amazing thing I've ever seen (and in some ways it is), he gets even more excited. It can be fun for you both, you know.
deathandtaxes Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 Chill out. So he didn't finish? Geez......you know that's only one part of the whole experience, right? Kids these days.... Sex is fun and all, but hopefully you'll realize that life is more than just great sex. Could be, you have a higher sex drive than him. And now the cracks are being exposed. Take some time off between doing it. Give each other some time to recover and let that sexual energy build up. If it's too much for you, go rub on out. If this becomes a repeated thing, then there may be something worth thinking about. You may want to educate yourself rather than coming to a bunch of strangers about it. There should be a whole lot written about sexual performance, not finishing, ED, etc. Knowledge is powah
Supernatural Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 Honeymoon sounds to be over. Now it's in to the deeper part of the woods of a relationship. So much fun... Lots more of these issues to be had. My advice... I wouldn't worry too much. Let it pass. Life happens. And life carries in to relationships. It sounds like you both enjoyed last night though. Honestly... The more comfortable I get with someone, the harder it becomes to cum quickly. And that doesn't say I'm not incredibly turned on. --- Side question If your significant other is not in the mood for sex because they are too stressed/tired/etc. And you wanted sex, would it be okay to go to the bathroom and masturbate? Would you tell them that's what you're going to do? And if your significant other did this, would it bother you?
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