Poof!: Another Dating Rant

[elseaacych]

...And he's gone.

 

Had two dates with a guy, both were good times. I asked both times. I got positive vibes from him, he alluded to future dates, and I told him that if he wanted to go out again, he should let me know and I would make time for him.

 

We had some lackluster texts back and forth between and after those dates.

 

I do not know... what the hell went wrong here? He acted all interested whenever I called, but demonstrated no initiative otherwise.

 

I am not going to ask him why he would say he was interested when he won't act interested. I've put enough effort in: asking him out not once but twice, and contacting him on other occasions. I even made it clear that if he wanted to go out again, I would make time. I was transparent in my interest.

 

I don't know, this just is another rant. I am guessing he just was not interested, but was I making myself too available?

[longjohn]

...And he's gone.

 

Had two dates with a guy, both were good times. I asked both times. I got positive vibes from him, he alluded to future dates, and I told him that if he wanted to go out again, he should let me know and I would make time for him.

 

We had some lackluster texts back and forth between and after those dates.

 

I do not know... what the hell went wrong here? He acted all interested whenever I called, but demonstrated no initiative otherwise.

 

I am not going to ask him why he would say he was interested when he won't act interested. I've put enough effort in: asking him out not once but twice, and contacting him on other occasions. I even made it clear that if he wanted to go out again, I would make time. I was transparent in my interest.

 

I don't know, this just is another rant. I am guessing he just was not interested, but was I making myself too available?

Sounds like he wasn't interested or lacked the confidence to go after you. Why chase after someone that appears uninterested? There's plenty more men out there willing to ask you out and chase after you.

[carhill]

I am guessing he just was not interested, but was I making myself too available?

 

Pretty familiar rant. Experienced a lot of those, including the wondering 'why', both with rejections and disappearances. Over time, I came to see them as part of life's experiences and to accept them and focus more on the today part and refrain from investing today based on projections of future returns. People can change their minds at any time and do anything, regardless of how one might feel about that, its propriety or its legality. People do what they do. Sometimes it's healthy; sometimes not. Sometimes loving; sometimes hurtful.

 

What separates romantic meetings from ordinary meetings is emotion. In the ordinary, people are neutrals. One gains 'like' and 'trust' and 'respect', and gives same, over time and with repeated interactions. In the romantic, sexual desire and 'like' compress time, sometimes unhealthily, and disturbances like 'abandonment' after a couple of dates can result. In the real though, it was two strangers who barely knew each other and one disappeared. Not uncommon. Happens every day. Billions of times.

 

It'll probably happen to you again. I know it's happened to me hundreds of times in a lifetime. Life goes on. There will be other rants. Good luck!

[Els]

...And he's gone.

 

Had two dates with a guy, both were good times. I asked both times. I got positive vibes from him, he alluded to future dates, and I told him that if he wanted to go out again, he should let me know and I would make time for him.

 

We had some lackluster texts back and forth between and after those dates.

 

I do not know... what the hell went wrong here? He acted all interested whenever I called, but demonstrated no initiative otherwise.

 

My guess is that he was just happy to fill his time when he didn't need to put in any effort. He wasn't that interested.

 

I don't know, this just is another rant. I am guessing he just was not interested, but was I making myself too available?

 

I wouldn't necessarily say you were doing anything wrong, but if you initiate twice in a row, it is going to be more difficult for you to gauge his interest. So you possibly dragged it out longer than it needed to be.

 

If you really want to ask guys out, then do so, but IMO you should let them reciprocate for the next date instead of doing two in a row.

[malin819]

been there nothing you can pretty much do except move and on carry on to keep your dignity and self respect.

 

had that happened 2 times in the last month...oh well what can we do!!

[venusishername]

Had two dates with a guy, both were good times. I asked both times. I got positive vibes from him, he alluded to future dates, and I told him that if he wanted to go out again, he should let me know and I would make time for him.

 

I don't know, this just is another rant. I am guessing he just was not interested, but was I making myself too available?

 

I think the fact that you asked both times was probably indicative of your higher interest level. Call me old fashioned, but I think the man should always be asking you for the dates in the beginning. It doesn't sound like he wasn't interested if he alluded to future dates. I don't think that you were making yourself 'too available' by telling him he should let you know when he wanted to see you. However, I think his interest level was far less than yours from the start.

[GemmaUK]

Half of the fun is in the chase.

 

I've asked a guy out for a first date before but the invite was light and casual and I left it for him to just turn up or not.

He actually said he was unlikely to make it as he was playing badminton with work colleagues that night and he didn't think he could get a lift out to where I would be (no buses went there that way either)...but he actually did turn up and it was 5 days after I asked him.

He told me later that he had no intention of not turning up and he wold have got there come hell or high water.

 

If I had had to ask him out the second time I probably wouldn't have but I didn't have to.

 

I don't mind asking a man out but I won't do it twice in a row.

 

I would take it he wasn't interested and stop any contact.

[DrSimple]

I think the solution is often a simple one:

 

1) The guy was multidating and found another partner he wanted to pursue more.

 

2) Being polite and nice doesnt mean he liked you. He felt you out over two dates and felt you weren't a match.

[True Gent]

This is just the dating world.

 

I've been on dates with women who persued me, seemed really into me and then nothing... Just nothing. I think people do a lot of multi dating and/or have ex hang up's they aren't over yet so chicken out if things start looking like it may go somewhere.

[veggirl]

If a guy mentions going out again, say "I'd love to! When?" if they don't lock you down then, they most likely aren't interested and are just being polite.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I know this may sound completely absurd to some people...but you can't and you definitely shouldn't, always take dating "personal".

 

This is the nature of the beast, it's unpredictable and inconsistent at times, you have to a degree make peace with that, don't have such grand EXPECTATIONS, don't put all your hopes/dreams and everything else out there so fast...give things time to DEVELOP before you make any kind of decision of emotions, interest or assessment about the person.

 

At the end of the day you have no idea what kind of person you are dealing with because you just don't know them, you don't know their history and you don't know anything about what they're about or if they're even being truthful about what is coming out of their mouth...it doesn't matter how you feel, what you think, or how things have gone "so far" in the moment or even what you talked about, it has to be consistent and develop beyond that in behavior...anything before that stage, it's better just to let it go and not make it all about you or what you did, or try to correct something that you feel altered their opinion; don't be so insecure about it, because chances are, they probably didn't even stop seeing you or stop contact for whatever reason it is that you're thinking.

 

The reasons can be many and vary widely, all you need to know is things aren't progressing and it's not your responsibility to ensure that it does continue because that's not the point, so pull yourself out of the chase...ultimately it's a mutual and reciprocating process that you want to lead somewhere, and that's what some people just don't have an understanding of...they think they just have to pursue and then somehow it just magically clicks and then everything is right and perfect, just because they ultimately got together...but the seed was already planted for failure from the beginning because of that one-dimensional process, the other persons interest or motivation will only wane in time if you're the person that essentially chases or locks down the relationship by over-pursuing someone by showing all the interest, motivation and more or less doing all the work to maintain the relationship.

 

As a woman you have to be even more careful about how you approach men, if you remove the "challenge" quality too early on and are too assertive/aggressive, then there is a chance; maybe even a good-to-probable chance, that they will lose interest.

 

Because what you're doing is making yourself easy and convenient because you're essentially making most of the effort, that's why you're being dated...if they had to put in the work and the effort themselves to meet you half-way, they might not have even considered you "worth" that effort and you may even likely have even went out on a date or met. I see a lot of women even consider "reciprocation" just because the guys make himself available when it's convenient and essentially puts some effort once you instigate the situation...but that's not it.

 

And there is the situation where a lot of guys DO like "easy-going" aka not having to do a lot of work, so I think women sometimes feel the need to bridge that gap to make it "easier" for the guy to pursue you and somehow steal his interest or make yourself "available"...but there's a fine line between making yourself "open to his advances" and taking the first steps to becoming a doormat where he feels he can be lazy and take advantage by going along for the ride.

 

Another mistake women commonly make is that they ASSUME if the guy wasn't completely interested then he wouldn't be seeing you in the first place...which is painfully false IMO.

 

Final solution

Let things develop naturally, make sure he's putting in the same effort to see you and pursue you through the ENTIRE process.

 

Stop hanging on words and listening to what men say...no woman should be listening to empty promises and fantasies when they meet a guy; it's either BS to swoon you or they don't really mean it the majority of the time...at best it's lust.

 

It takes time to build something deeper than that, and more personal..if a guy starts promising this or that, and playing up how he does this and the other thing and asking you if he'd like to go here or there with him...consider that wishful thinking, because if it happens then your wish came true, don't expect it to happen...most of the time it's not a reality.

 

Some guys will feed you a fantasy but they'll be pretty smooth about it and you wouldn't see it coming anyway so I won't even cover that.

[Fondue]

I think the solution is often a simple one:

 

1) The guy was multidating and found another partner he wanted to pursue more.

 

2) Being polite and nice doesnt mean he liked you. He felt you out over two dates and felt you weren't a match.

 

This.

 

It's as simple as, "he just wasn't/isn't that into you."

 

And that's okay. You move on and you find someone new. THat's part of dating.

 

I met a lot of great women before I met my current girlfriend. SOme of them I've seen more multiple dates. I wanted to know I found the best. So I kept looking and going on dates until I found what I was looking for. Everyone should do this.

 

Explore your opportunities until the right one presents itself. He was doing this, and so should you. Nothing to be upset about.

[KatZee]

This is why I never advise a woman to ask the guy out on a date in the beginning of courting. If you're established and you're seriously dating or a couple, go for it, ask away.

 

But YOU had to ask him out for the two dates you had. He never really kept interesting convo with you in between. I'm assuming he went either out of obligation, because he felt sorry for you, or maybe he thought his mind would change or something.

 

Either way, this guy was never into you, and the only way to get you to "take a hint" since him not asking you out, and him not engaging in conversation wasn't clear enough, was to pull a ghost on you.

 

You sitting back and allowing the guy to pursue you would clear up all this confusion you have going on right now. If you just sat back, you'd see if HE came to you. If HE initiated with you. If HE kept pursuing you.

 

In the beginning let a man be a man. Let him guide the dating.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

It sounds like you did nothing wrong; this stuff just happens, especially in the first few dates. Maybe I'm too far in the other direction, but I refuse to assume anyone is truly interested until after we've had a DTR*.

 

I would suggest that in the future you not invest any more interest than you receive. If you are completely transparent about your interest (as you were here) and the guy fails to express similar emotions (as he did here), then forget him. You deserve nothing less than a man who will show you and tell you exactly how much he wants to be with you.

 

 

* = Determining The Relationship. I can't be the only one who uses this acronym, right?

[writergal]

Welcome to dating, OP.

 

Ever since I drank the "he's not into you if he's not calling you" kool aid, life's been a lot easier dating-wise. Look, as women we are programmed to blame ourselves for being too flawed in some way or another, when men reject us.

 

But the truth is, if a man rejects you, all that means is, "he's just not interested." Plain and simple. Just like men.

[Purepony]

Too bad none of you are as lucky as my exs I leave them and a week later nothing but winners and top catches are after them

[elseaacych]

Wow! I didn't anticipate this many responses! I feel loved!

 

I dunno, I am not necessarily hung up on it, per se, only enough to write about it on LS. I decided a few days ago let it go, since I got zero feedback.

 

It just feels a little frustrating, you know, when everything seems to be going fine, and "poof!" they're gone. It's like "Damn, what did I do this time?"

[elseaacych]

she sucks at picking guys

 

With the way things have been going lately, I'm beginning to think I may actually be a pretty poor judge of character or just terrible at gauging interest.

 

But no need to worry, I am sure I'll get to you sometime.

[KatZee]

It just feels a little frustrating, you know, when everything seems to be going fine, and "poof!" they're gone. It's like "Damn, what did I do this time?"

 

What about your interaction with this guy gave you the impression that things were "going fine" ??

 

He never asked you on a date.

He never really had conversation with you via phone/text

 

You have to be careful with projecting your emotions on to other people, especially on the first few dates.

 

You as a woman need to let the man, be a man. Sit back and let him pursue. Give him what he gives you. If he calls you, then you can call him. If he texts you, then you text him. Never give more than he is giving you at all, and give him room to pursue you because that's what guys want to do! That's what they're programmed to do.

[aussietigerwolf]

Lol wait until you get the amusing excuses... After a date with a guy that seemed to go very well I got a sorry, I got back together with my ex on the way home.

[writergal]

Lol wait until you get the amusing excuses... After a date with a guy that seemed to go very well I got a sorry, I got back together with my ex on the way home.

 

That's awful! But I can relate. I've had some amusing excuses (now, but at the time they annoyed me) too. Once, after a date with a guy I thought had potential for more, when I asked him if he'd go out with me again, he paused, looked at me and said "physically you're not my type so no, I don't think so." Ouch! Then he offered to drive me home, which was only 3 blocks away. I said "no, I wouldn't want you to be seen driving an ugly woman around town. People may talk." Then I thanked him for the date and walked home.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Wow! I didn't anticipate this many responses! I feel loved!

 

Don't be, I for one whore myself out here quite frequently

 

...with advice people...advice

[venusishername]

* = Determining The Relationship. I can't be the only one who uses this acronym, right?

 

I just heard this for the first time recently, and it was from the mouth of the man I've been seeing over the past several weeks. I had to google it, and asked a guy friend who told me it means "Define the relationship". My friend said him saying that was indicative of someone who has been out of the dating scene for awhile because in his words, "that is so five years ago".!!

Edited September 11, 2014 by venusishername