madgirl1991 Posted August 2, 2014 Posted August 2, 2014 Met a bloke online, and we dated. Within a few weeks, we booked and went on a week long trip to perth together. When we came back, my parents asked me to move out, so i asked if I could stay with him and said it would be nice. We have played house for just under a month now. It all happened incredibly fast, but we get along so well and are very happy. We both talk about the future a lot. However, sometimes I feel something is lacking. I'm not sure if its related to these three things: 1) He never chased me 2) His ability to get horny is independent of me 3) He has no initiative in romancing me With 1, well our relationship only started because I messaged him first, asked him to call me, asked him to meet me as friends etc. I thought he would hit on me eventually, cuz well, it WAS a dating site. He claims that he was still not over another girl at the time and that i had been confusing by calling him friends. Once i told him i like him as more than that, we started hanging out heaps, were exclusive, kissed a bit and cuddled heaps! With 2, he never tried to hook up with me, until after a month together i cried asking why he wasn't interested in sex with me. He replied he is just out of practice (for 4 months lol), stressed and a passive kind of guy. After that sometimes we would cuddle and he would be hard, and then we would do it. He'd always make sure i orgasmed, but it wasn't very fun sex because there was no foreplay. If i asked for foreplay, he'd happily do whatever i wanted, but he didn't seem to be like other guys in the past who actually ENJOY my body and doing things to it. They compliment me in and outside the bedroom and make me feel sexy. Here i feel like a rhinosauraus (and its not like i have a bad body, i get compliments on it!) so now i don't even bother with lingerie or trying to look good for him when we go out, because he doesn't care anyway. Sex is only when he wants it, because we have to wait for him to get hard (happens randomly, like when we are watching tv, or cuddling). But if i'm horny, we might try to get him in the mood too but it doesn't work. I go down on him, let him touch me etc...nothing works. It makes me humiliated, like my body isn't a turn on? With 3), i guess its expected. He has never had a relationship longer than 2 months, the women always left...his dates with them were things like bowling, movies or eating at home. He isn't exactly fun in bed, he isn't creative...his version of romance is helping me with things I need. Which is nice, but not exciting at all! In the first 2 weeks of dating, it was my birthday. He said he would make me a cake, but never did. I asked instead for an appliance, he bought that (the cheapest, first one at local grocery store) and gave it to me without a card or wrapping. Sigh. He said its important now that we live together to do something together each week. I suggested a date night, and writing up activities as we think of them on the fridge. But so far, all the good ideas are mine. I have told him his idea (bowling) is pretty boring and uncreative, he could easily go online and look up fun ideas (thats what i did!) but he doesnt. Yesterday I asked him to book us for dinner but not tell me where, and then we can check out a free comedy club i had found. He booked dinner at a chinese restaurant (i'm chinese - i eat this stuff all the time....). So we went somewhere else i liked, and he said this is why i dont bother surprising you. We came home tired, i did all the pre-sex prep (shaving etc lol), cuddled into him in bed - and he just fell asleep. Some date night.
somedude81 Posted August 2, 2014 Posted August 2, 2014 Sucks that your parents asked you to move out. Moving in with him was obviously the wrong choice. Your relationship is not working out and you should probably start looking for another place to live. 5
Author madgirl1991 Posted August 2, 2014 Author Posted August 2, 2014 I've said lots of negative things. But i forgot to mention the purpose of this post! Should i stay with him? I'm interestedi n the view of long term couples. I know that sex/romance is only a small part of long term relationships. Honestly, i'm at that point where i am willing to compromise. This guy is amazing in every other way, we get along so well (always chatting, its like living with a best friend), take care of each other, have the same goals and even our families are quite similar. I know i am a hard one to match, with all my quirks, i havent had a long-term prospect in years...same for him...but we are a great match (even the website we met on said so ). Would you stay?
hoping2heal Posted August 2, 2014 Posted August 2, 2014 I've said lots of negative things. But i forgot to mention the purpose of this post! Should i stay with him? I'm interestedi n the view of long term couples. I know that sex/romance is only a small part of long term relationships. Honestly, i'm at that point where i am willing to compromise. This guy is amazing in every other way, we get along so well (always chatting, its like living with a best friend), take care of each other, have the same goals and even our families are quite similar. I know i am a hard one to match, with all my quirks, i havent had a long-term prospect in years...same for him...but we are a great match (even the website we met on said so ). Would you stay? I don't know. You don't seem like such a great match. I think you are always going to want him to be a certain way that he naturally is not. It sounds like you've communicated (I think?) what you'd like from him and he isn't going to do it so. You said you are willing to compromise, so if you decide you can forgo all that other stuff you want in lieu of having a relationship with him and the other good qualities then that is your choice to make.
Ninjainpajamas Posted August 2, 2014 Posted August 2, 2014 (edited) With 1, well our relationship only started because I messaged him first, asked him to call me, asked him to meet me as friends etc. I thought he would hit on me eventually, cuz well, it WAS a dating site. He claims that he was still not over another girl at the time and that i had been confusing by calling him friends. Once i told him i like him as more than that, we started hanging out heaps, were exclusive, kissed a bit and cuddled heaps! Sounds like you did all the work and he simply took the bait eventually...which is what many men will do if a woman pursues him that strongly, even if he's only mildly interested in her. With 2, he never tried to hook up with me, until after a month together i cried asking why he wasn't interested in sex with me. He replied he is just out of practice (for 4 months lol), stressed and a passive kind of guy. After that sometimes we would cuddle and he would be hard, and then we would do it. Probably not the strongest sexual chemistry or interest, I think he is showing his lack of interest greatly here overall. But this is going to be combined too with possibly a lack of confidence and skill possibly, some other factor because guys are still capable of sexing up something they don't even really feel attracted to within a month. He'd always make sure i orgasmed, but it wasn't very fun sex because there was no foreplay. If i asked for foreplay, he'd happily do whatever i wanted, but he didn't seem to be like other guys in the past who actually ENJOY my body and doing things to it. They compliment me in and outside the bedroom and make me feel sexy. Here i feel like a rhinosauraus (and its not like i have a bad body, i get compliments on it!) so now i don't even bother with lingerie or trying to look good for him when we go out, because he doesn't care anyway. Sex is only when he wants it, because we have to wait for him to get hard (happens randomly, like when we are watching tv, or cuddling). But if i'm horny, we might try to get him in the mood too but it doesn't work. I go down on him, let him touch me etc...nothing works. It makes me humiliated, like my body isn't a turn on? A low libido possibly as well as a lack of interest/attraction. Just because other men found you sexy doesn't mean every man will find the same level of sexy, there's guys who do back-flips over nearly any woman, others who are a bit more picky, especially when he didn't seem that interested to begin with since you're the one that chased him hard. Also a lot of guys compliment out of necessity and common sense, most men know to throw around a few compliments, so I wouldn't take those words too much to heart or as a gauge, but they were definitely interested in having sex with you for one reason or another, but depending on the guy compliments can be part of the show or something sincere. With 3), i guess its expected. He has never had a relationship longer than 2 months, the women always left...his dates with them were things like bowling, movies or eating at home. He isn't exactly fun in bed, he isn't creative...his version of romance is helping me with things I need. Which is nice, but not exciting at all! In the first 2 weeks of dating, it was my birthday. He said he would make me a cake, but never did. I asked instead for an appliance, he bought that (the cheapest, first one at local grocery store) and gave it to me without a card or wrapping. Sigh. Not everyone is great with gifts (including myself) but he seems to lack the motivation to try and fulfill your needs, again however from lack of interest. He's doing it out of obligation, but again, something a lot of guys do so this is a not necessarily a big one on it's own if he was making it up or showing interest/motivation in other areas. He said its important now that we live together to do something together each week. I suggested a date night, and writing up activities as we think of them on the fridge. But so far, all the good ideas are mine. I have told him his idea (bowling) is pretty boring and uncreative, he could easily go online and look up fun ideas (thats what i did!) but he doesnt. Yesterday I asked him to book us for dinner but not tell me where, and then we can check out a free comedy club i had found. He booked dinner at a chinese restaurant (i'm chinese - i eat this stuff all the time....). So we went somewhere else i liked, and he said this is why i dont bother surprising you. We came home tired, i did all the pre-sex prep (shaving etc lol), cuddled into him in bed - and he just fell asleep. Some date night. You sure do listen to a lot of what guys say don't you? People say a lot more with their actions than they do with their words, you need to learn that without the vocal confirmation. Again, if he is not interested or motivation, none of these things are going to work...he simply doesn't have the desire to do so for himself nor is his interest strong enough for you to compel him to do things outside the norm of what he is willing to do. The bottom line is you shouldn't be in this relationship, no one seems to want to be with this guy longer than 2 months which says a whole lot, but you. Don't know why you think you can change him and motivate him to be someone or something he is not or does not feel. Edited August 2, 2014 by Ninjainpajamas 3
jackslife Posted August 2, 2014 Posted August 2, 2014 You did move in too soon together and no you shouldn't stay together. You need to finish this relationship. Sexless marriages are horribly commonplace and if you aren't bouncing off the walls now, what will it be like in 5, 10, 15 years time? I'm very wary of any young man who already needs excuses as to why he can't have sex with you. Two scenarios - he could be gay or he just doesn't fancy you. If it's the latter it explains why he only goes for you when he has a hard on and has no interest in your body. At your age at this time of your relationships your sexual problems should be, wearing each other out, premature ejaculation because he is so turned on, breaking the bed and blowing too much money on sex toys and underwear. You moved in for the wrong reasons, but this relationship isn't right for either of you. End it!
oldshirt Posted August 2, 2014 Posted August 2, 2014 Sounds like you did all the work and he simply took the bait eventually...which is what many men will do if a woman pursues him that strongly, even if he's only mildly interested in her. This ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ He is simply taking what is being handed to him for free. What you are saying can be summed up with you want him to put more effort into the relationship and to pursue you and to woo you and to seduce you and be passionate about you and desire you and be intimate with you etc etc etc etc But what is actually taking place here is he is pretty nonpassionate about you but you are handing yourself to him on a silver platter (an argument can even be made you are ramming yourself down his throat). People only work for what they really want and don't get for free. People don't put in effort for what is simply handed to them. He's not pursuing you and wooing you because he is a pretty passive person in general and he may not even be much into you. He is just taking the easy path and taking what is being handed to him. ...............
oldshirt Posted August 2, 2014 Posted August 2, 2014 .............This has a simple remedy. Stop being so available and stop being the one to make everything happen. Sit back and let him take the initiative and put in the effort if he wants something. One of two things will happen. One is he'll step up to the plate and take a little initiative and make things happen. The other is nothing will happen and you'll never hear from him again. If it's the latter then you'll know where you stand and you'll available for the next guy who may actually have the hots for you and will be ready, willing and able to put in the effort. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 3, 2014 Posted August 3, 2014 I don't think you're all that compatible long-term. If you've outlined your needs to him, and nothing has changed - well, there's your answer. He isn't acting on your requests because he doesn't want to. It's as simple as that. It sounds like you've largely been steering this relationship while ignoring the red flags. He told you he's not over another girl. That should've been your first clue that he wasn't ready. Sorry, OP, but I just don't think he's all that into you. If he were, you wouldn't be wondering why he's so passive and seemingly apathetic about you. 1
newmoon Posted August 3, 2014 Posted August 3, 2014 With 1, well our relationship only started because I messaged him first, asked him to call me, asked him to meet me as friends etc. I thought he would hit on me eventually, cuz well, it WAS a dating site. He claims that he was still not over another girl at the time and that i had been confusing by calling him friends. Once i told him i like him as more than that, we started hanging out heaps, were exclusive, kissed a bit and cuddled heaps! maybe he just doesn't like you, ya know? and he said yes and went along because you were offering yourself up on a silver platter to him. his disinterest could be because *you* are not what he wants. 2
Author madgirl1991 Posted September 10, 2014 Author Posted September 10, 2014 I have lived with my boyfriend for 2 months, dated for 4. Before that we were internet friends for 3 months. I know, its moved really fast, probably too fast, but it was due to circumstances that made it just make sense (family problems etc). He is 28 i'm 24. We get along great, we can talk for ages, even though we don't have the same hobbies. I guess its because we share the same goals and values, and are both at the same stage of life - finished college, in the workforce for a few years, studying. We have barely fought, though there are small annoyances we resolve them fast. I've never had such a peaceful relationship with anyone. I want to know - are our problems worse than i should expect given the unique pace of our relationship? And does he actually love me? Now to the problems. The biggest - he has never chased me. I asked him to call me the first time, meet up the first time and basically can we be gf/bf and can we move in together? we were friends before that, and we used to bitch to each other about our dating failures. To be frank, he's got a nice personality, but he is very shy and not very smooth, attractive, funny or interesting - the things most girls look for. He got dumped by all three of his ex girlfriends (the longest was three month relationship...so short!) So putting all of this together, worry that maybe he just went along with me because he had no other options/ i was easy to get. The weirdest part is, i have made a big fuss about still being on dating apps 'for friends' eg: tinder and going out clubbing to help my single friends meet guys, spending time with male friends who used to declare their love for me, and he never gets jealous. Not once! Heaps of jealousy isnt healthy, but shouldnt he bit a bit worried or at least protective? Next biggest - this doesn't feel like a romance, it feels like we are an old couple married for thirty years.Although he is very giving and makes me part of his family/life and talks about long term plans together, he has never taken special pains to be romantic. I've had to suggest going out on dinner dates, and even though he agrees and pays half the time, he is pretty stingy (eg: we will share a pizza, no dessert). When we were dating, i invited him to birthday dinner with my family. He showed up empty handed. He'd promised to make me a cake, but of course that didn't happen. A few days later he said he was going to make it, i said dont worry now, just get me a blender i really want one! He went to the local department store and got the second cheapest one, and then the next time i visit him, he gave it to me, in a plastic bag - no card. He made a picnic for his first gf, booked a trip overseas for the girl before me, and the one before that he surprised with food she liked. Nothing for me. Sex. Oh god. Well, we always orgasm a few times and do it about 4 times a week. But its never been like other guys who made me feel like a goddess and wanted, even when we were dating not living together. I initiate 85% of the time. When he initiaes its the same damn thing, he just sticks his figners into me and then two mins later asks to put it in. I've asked for more foreplay, and he has tried to do it but he sucks! and i can tell deep down he doesn't really enjoy it or find it a turn on. I used to wear lingerie and take sexy photos for/with my exes, make sure i was shaved all the time, and get soo many compliements in and sweet nothings whispered in my ear in and out of the bedroom , but this guy..nothing. I don't even bother dressing up for him ever now lol. I just wear grandma undies and jeans/singlet when we leave the house. When i dress up, he just goes, oh, thats a nice dress and that's it. Not oh you look so good, you're beautiful etc like my exes. The most minor problem - He has no social life, and mine is pretty bad too - i have given up trying to expand my circle now after years of failure. I have always wanted couple friends, and i can sometimes organise things with the girlfriends i have and their partners, but the partners never seem interested in getting to know him more. The only thing we can think of are meetups/hobby-related clubs but that seems lame to join just to make "couple friends."
evanescentworld Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 Good grief.... are you really asking if you should leave? I'm surprised you're not half way to mexico by now.... I mean to say, look at the whole situation: Now look at it a year down the line, then 5.... and now tell me whether you think it would be a good idea to leave or not...? Carpe that f**king Diem, girl....
mightycpa Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 You sound very happy, don't you? Of course, if you dump him, he'll see the errors of his ways, and become one of the forlorn on the breakup board soon after. It sounds like you have a decent, compatible boyfriend with a relationship that will go nowhere but into complacency for you. Maybe you've already arrived.
longjohn Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 Dump him and do him a favour when you do. Write out a list of all of his failures and why they are failures. Maybe, just maybe the next GF he gets he'll appreciate her and what she does for him. I've always made a point of complimenting a GF when she's dressed up I even do it when they are in a tracksuit with a cold on the sofa lol. It's just a nice thing to do in general. I'll admit the ladies do often times go above and beyond to make us men happy. I feel the very least we can do is treat them right and make them feel special everyday. 1
sdrawkcaB ssA Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 I am sure you can get more out of life out on your own, than to stay. Rule of thumb... A relationship enlightens and heightens life, and should not bring it down. 1
stillafool Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 Considering what you said he did for his exes I would say he is definitely taking you for granted. I think you need to sit down with him and tell him everything you have said to us. As much as you think it will hurt him to hear these things it will be alot worse later on if you don't confront this now. I have always felt if the man doesn't chase he really didn't want me and I tell women to let him hunt then conquer. Maybe he just needs a wake up call to stop being so lazy. You sound like a good catch and if he can't get it together don't waste your youth on him. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 I don't see you ever being happy with this guy. You can continue to live with this unsatisfying relationship, or move on. Hopefully you've learned some lessons for next time: For one, don't move in together so fast in the future. Second, don't pursue the man if you know you want a go-getter who will pursue you. 1
d0nnivain Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 Your current level of disappointment is more you than him. Your opening is all positive: We get along great, we can talk for ages, even though we don't have the same hobbies. I guess its because we share the same goals and values, and are both at the same stage of life - finished college, in the workforce for a few years, studying. We have barely fought, though there are small annoyances we resolve them fast. I've never had such a peaceful relationship with anyone. Then you fault him for not chasing you, not being romantic & being stingy. Some guys just aren't smooth. If you want smooth you may not get loyal or somebody you can talk to. If he goes along with your romantic dates, is that really so bad? Talk to him about the stinginess. When I 1st met DH he was a bad tipper, didn't give his family Christmas presents & had no idea it was bad form to show up empty handed. I taught him otherwise. If you do end this relationship, what do you hope to gain? The suave uber romantic, tough guy who is still sensitive only exists in romance novels & in the movies. Instead try making new friends for yourself & being active & happy. He is not in charge of your happiness. You are.
OwMyEyeball Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 The romance, sex and clumsiness can be corrected through communication and coaching - if you can muster the patience. After all that work he'll make for a wonderful wife. If you want masculinity from this guy he's going to have to learn it from other men. 1
MoreCoffee Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 If you are still with this guy by the time this post is finished... 1
pteromom Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 Some of what you want is reasonable. For him to put in EFFORT of some kind... foreplay, wrapping a freaking present for goodness sake. To know that you are important to him. But some of what you want may be unhealthy. Like the jealousy. If he actually is into you and is able to 100% trust you when you aren't around him, that's a GOOD thing. Jealousy does not equal love - it equals insecurity. But there is a difference between being laid back, and being uninterested. If he's just a chill guy who is too shy to initiate and chase, but is open to getting better, I wouldn't throw in the towel just yet. I would take the opportunity to tell him exactly what you want, and see what happens. But if he is just a lazy guy who doesn't want to put in any effort, you should move on. And - just order the dessert. What's he going to do, throw a fit? You want a dessert then get it. Let him gripe and pout if he wants, while you eat your cheesecake.
Standard-Fare Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 You shouldn't be feeling this bored and lackluster just four months into a relationship. You should feel at least a little bit excitement, and definitely more positivity. Some of it does sound like your own issues, though. You seem to be projecting some expectations on him based on your exes, which isn't necessarily fair; and you also seem to want him to be someone he's clearly not. This sounds like a pretty ho-hum, passive, laid-back dude. Maybe that's just not your style. I'm curious if you broke up with him if you'd miss him.
d0nnivain Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 You shouldn't be feeling this bored and lackluster just four months into a relationship. You should feel at least a little bit excitement, and definitely more positivity. I originally missed the part where this relationship is only 120 days in. If you are already this miserable get out. You two are incompatible. Next. 1
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