SOS! Jerk...or just a man?

[TamTingy]

Hey everyone! I'm new to the forums and have a situation that's been on my mind daily.

 

My ex and I broke up on good terms (as good as break ups can be. He broke up with me...), and we agreed that neither of us wanted to completely cut ties.

 

Since then, we've been texting and joking in the same way as when we were together--just not every day like we used to. We've even hung out a couple of times. He tried to have sex with me the first time we hung out after the break up, but since then, he hasn't made those moves. We've cuddled and things, and he'll usually follow up with an "I had fun" text afterwards.

 

So, basically, everything was good. Not completely platonic, but hey. The break up came out of nowhere in regards to what we had. He just wanted to focus on his career and personal goals. Otherwise, when we get together, it's almost like we're in a relationship again. I still have a big crush on him, but I'm respecting his decision that he doesn't want a relationship.

 

I figured we were enjoying each others' company whenever we hung out, but he got weird in the past week. We agreed to hang out on the weekend, he kept pushing back the day, and then he said he came down with a cold but we should still hang out Sunday afternoon. I said for him to let me know. Night comes, and no text.

 

He's the type of guy who always has his cell phone on him and constantly checks it. Even when we were together, he'd have it in his hands every time it vibrated.

 

He was being extra un-responsive (which usually isn't like him), and I admit I did become impatient and pushy with my texts. He'd answer about every third one. I called him out on it and said he could definitely tell me if he didn't want to hang out. He replied that it was nothing like that, that he was going through a hectic time.

 

I told him he confused my mind that week, and he said we should un-confuse my mind. I asked him how--no reply. That night, knowing that he'd seen my text, I sent him two frustrated ones, at which point he texted back, "Listen (my name) it's not personal. It wasn't the awesome weekend I'd hoped for either."

 

I responded that I was just frustrated and told him to contact when he was feeling less stressed and better from his cold. No word since, and it's been a week.

 

My friends say he's being a jerk and stringing me along. I ran into one of his friends who said that he was acting weird and mood-swing-y the last time they talked.

 

So I'm wondering if:

 

- He got really mad at me with the last text or was just trying to reassure me I'd done nothing wrong?

- What the heck is going on in his mind?

- Is he being a jerk--or just being a guy?

- Should I contact him?

- Will he contact me?

- Were my reactions justified?

- Did I do the right thing in leaving the ball in his court?

As you can see...many questions...

 

I hate how things left off on a semi-sour note. I still have some of his things he let me borrow, and he'd said before he needed them back.

[HurtingGirl]

He may really be going through a lot or dating other people. It seems you want more than what he can give. That can make both parties frustrated. You are pushing him away being upset. Let him figure things out. Confusion isn't healthy anyways.

[SoThatHappened]

It is next to impossible for two former lovers to be friends afterword, and your situation is exactly why.

 

You can't be friends with him. One or both is going to get jealous or hurt, or whatever. Then, it will end on bad terms.

 

I advise you two staying away from each other. You may get to a point where you can have a platonic relationship down the road, but that's not now.

 

You're going to get hurt when he finds someone new and vice-versa. Then that whole "good terms" thing goes out the window.

[TamTingy]

Thanks for the advice so far, guys. My feelings for him have simmered down to a crush you would have on a friend. Something that can be handled on my part--as long as both parties respect and are cordial to each other.

 

While we were together, he was always chatting with other girls, just flirting but nothing more that I know of. I mean, he was going out with another girl the same week we broke up! Just casually because he likes female company, and nothing happened after that. Even after our break-up, when we hung out with a group of friends, he'd sometimes bring another girl around but kind of disregard her. I'm pretty sure he's not seeing anyone now, and even if he was, if his past behavior is anything to go on, he wouldn't stop at least talking to other girls.

 

I don't know if this changes anything, but that's just some extra info. Is there any need to say anything to him, especially since I have his things? And does he know that he's messing with my mind by acting this way?

Edited September 10, 2014 by TamTingy

[HurtingGirl]

He didn't respect you if he flirted in front of you. That alone says a lot.

[me85]

Oh boy…this sure does sound familiar. /=

 

You sound like the "cool girlfriend" much like how I was when I was in RSs. Ignoring all those little red flags just waving right in front of my face.

 

Post BU with my ex started out JUST LIKE THIS. I promise you this, he doesn't want you really, you're just familiar and familiar is comfortable for everybody, am I right? Ok…well, keep that in mind. So when he figures out he can be comfortable without you or with another girl then POOF! He vanishes and gives you the cold shoulder. You're his pacifier…his toy…his security blanket…his security net…

 

Maybe he is all those things for you too, IDK. What I do know is that because you have this so called crush (come on, it's more than that and we all know it) on him you should leave it be for now. You have to realize that if he really wanted to talk to you or be with you, he most definitely would.

 

It does hurt to back off, believe me, I know…most of us on here know that. But take it from me, it'll hurt much worse if you keep trying to communicate with him. I set myself up for rejection time and time again…we have to let go.

 

You sound like a smart gal, you'll figure it out and be alright. (=

[TamTingy]

Thank you for the advice and encouraging words!

 

These couple of days, anger at him has started to creep into my system. Now, I kind of alternate between anger, resentment, sadness, indifference, and longing. I REALLY miss him and what we had. We were on the same wavelength unlike any other guy I've been with thus far.

 

And the thing is, I could've sworn he actually liked me and cared about me...you know? And it's not like I was nagging him with the succession of texts. When HE was the one texting ME, he would get nervous and send multiple texts if I hadn't replied within the hour.

 

Do men like him ever change or look back and realize what they have done? (I know. The most asked question ever...)

 

Do these guys ever reach out with breadcrumbs? I'm afraid of how I would react if he ever does.

Edited September 10, 2014 by TamTingy

[PegNosePete]

Do men like him ever change or look back and realize what they have done? (I know. The most asked question ever...)

No, their new girlfriend would kill them if they did.

 

Do these guys ever reach out with breadcrumbs? I'm afraid of how I would react if he ever does.

All the time. Which is why God gave us NC! You should implement it ASAP.

[Zahara]

My ex and I broke up on good terms (as good as break ups can be. He broke up with me...), and we agreed that neither of us wanted to completely cut ties.

 

Why would he not want to cut ties? Any man would certainly entertain not having to be burdened by the responsibility of a relationship when he can get all the benefits of what a relationship offers. And you didn't want to cut ties because you were fearful of letting go.

 

We've cuddled and things, and he'll usually follow up with an "I had fun" text afterwards.

 

Exactly. The benefits without the commitment.

 

He just wanted to focus on his career and personal goals.

 

It isn't out of the ordinary for people to be able to focus on career and personal goals and still maintain the love in their life. Infact, you would be the support and highlight of their day as they toil to get where they want to be. If you've taken two steps down in his life, that in itself should have been reason for you to let go and move on.

 

Otherwise, when we get together, it's almost like we're in a relationship again. I still have a big crush on him, but I'm respecting his decision that he doesn't want a relationship.

 

Again, benefits without the commitment.

 

He was being extra un-responsive (which usually isn't like him), and I admit I did become impatient and pushy with my texts. He'd answer about every third one. I called him out on it and said he could definitely tell me if he didn't want to hang out. He replied that it was nothing like that, that he was going through a hectic time.

 

That is because you are still emotional about him. In that sense, your neediness showed and he probably realized you are still emotionally attached to him and probably stepped back. Your expectations are very apparent.

 

I told him he confused my mind that week, and he said we should un-confuse my mind. I asked him how--no reply. That night, knowing that he'd seen my text, I sent him two frustrated ones, at which point he texted back, "Listen (my name) it's not personal. It wasn't the awesome weekend I'd hoped for either."

 

Unfortunately, you are the only one that confuses you because you still need to have a foot in the door with this man. He's very clear about where he is and what he wants. You on the other hand are still emotionally attached and affected by him.

 

I responded that I was just frustrated and told him to contact when he was feeling less stressed and better from his cold. No word since, and it's been a week.

 

If you want to just hang out, then you have to eliminate your expectations and just treat this as fun. In that sense, I don't think you can.

 

My friends say he's being a jerk and stringing me along. I ran into one of his friends who said that he was acting weird and mood-swing-y the last time they talked.

 

YOU are stringing YOU along. He was perfectly clear he doesn't want a relationship. You have to focus on that and make your own decision as to whether you want to stay in the picture as the "fun" girl or step away and accept the break-up.

 

I hate how things left off on a semi-sour note. I still have some of his things he let me borrow, and he'd said before he needed them back.

 

Give him back his things. Stay NC.

Edited September 10, 2014 by Zahara

[TamTingy]

So the consensus is to leave him alone. I understand the reasoning behind all of that.

 

It's just weird. He was the one who wanted to hang out again, and when I followed up on it, he started acting distant. And with his last text, I can't tell if he's actually busy or mad or doing fine.

 

Now I'm afraid to contact him because of the possibility I won't hear back. Not even about returning his things. But I feel bad about keeping them, too.

 

I've thought about just sending him a message saying, yes, I like him, but I don't want to burn bridges...

 

I guess it doesn't matter. If he really liked me, that incident would not affect his feelings for me (if he had any), right?

[Zahara]

I think the consensus is that you implement NC to let go and move on, not to leave him alone until he comes back to resume "fun" with you.

 

When you started getting pushy and demanding, that was a sign to him that you are still emotional and you have expectations. In that sense, he probably decided to pull away either from guilt because he doesn't feel the same way or the fact that he realized that you may be getting too close. It has nothing to do with whether he likes you or not.

 

It's a break-up. Treat it as such. The bridge you speak of is the one that you need to have with him because you are afraid to let go. That bridge can be rebuilt when both of you have moved on and aren't emotionally affected by each other anymore. Right now is not the right time.

[Mittens]

I had an ex who did exactly the same thing - thought we could still be 'friends' and also still have sex together. Because I was still so in love with him when he decided to end the relationship, I let him get away with this BS for 2 years.

 

It was exactly the same as what you are going through now - replying to only the odd text, one word answers to texts, etc. Only when he wanted some 'fun' did he bother contacting me.

 

And the worst part was I was in my late 30s when this was happening. I should have known better...

 

No contact is for your benefit, not his. Forget feeling guilty about his 'stuff'...if he's desperate for it, he'll arrange to pick it up. It's no longer your responsibility.

[TamTingy]

It's nearly impossible for me to do NC, but I've managed to stick with it for 8 days now. I'm REALLY feeling it, and it takes everything I have not to pick up the phone to call or text. I'm having trouble not thinking about it--even when I'm super busy at work!

 

When I ran into his friend, we exchanged numbers, and he told me that my ex was acting weird the last time they saw each other and that he's gone through mood swings. But his friend said he thought I was a cool woman and would fill me in on what was going on because he wasn't sure, either.

 

One of the hardest parts is not knowing what's going on at his end and thinking that he's forgotten me. Do you think he has? Ugh, this is annoying. I don't know why my brain is going around in circles. I was never this way with any other breakups...

[Zahara]

It's nearly impossible for me to do NC, but I've managed to stick with it for 8 days now. I'm REALLY feeling it, and it takes everything I have not to pick up the phone to call or text. I'm having trouble not thinking about it--even when I'm super busy at work!

 

NC is very hard. You're not the exception. We've all had to go through it but the alternative just isn't worth it. It just prolongs the pain and the confusion. When someone has chosen to eliminate you from their life, don't hang around for crumbs.

 

When I ran into his friend, we exchanged numbers, and he told me that my ex was acting weird the last time they saw each other and that he's gone through mood swings. But his friend said he thought I was a cool woman and would fill me in on what was going on because he wasn't sure, either.

 

Tell this friend that you do not want to hear anymore stories about your ex. NC means cutting out all triggers, reminders and feeders.

 

One of the hardest parts is not knowing what's going on at his end and thinking that he's forgotten me. Do you think he has? Ugh, this is annoying. I don't know why my brain is going around in circles. I was never this way with any other breakups...

 

1) He ended the relationship. That is all you need to know and grasp.

 

2) If he forgets you, doesn't that tell you something. You should never hang around to help remind someone of your existence.

[TamTingy]

Thank you for the posts, everyone. They're really what's keeping me from reaching out. My friends also tell me not to, and that's helping, too. They're making him out to be a pretty big jerk, and my image of him is becoming contaminated with that, which might not be a bad thing lol.

 

My emotions are so unstable right now. One moment, I'll be frustrated and impatient enough, I know I'll text him, and then the next, my brain will kick in and tell myself not to.

 

There's still a part of me that hopes he'll reach out. Maybe deep down he knows that he was being disrespectful in ignoring half my messages and was a little manipulative to make it seem like I was the one being annoying.

 

I just need to keep up the strength to not contact him...

 

Do both parties eventually keep only the fond memories of each other? I hope so.

[Zahara]

My emotions are so unstable right now. One moment, I'll be frustrated and impatient enough, I know I'll text him, and then the next, my brain will kick in and tell myself not to.

 

And that is all normal. You just have to let it pass and keep bringing yourself back to your reality.

 

There's still a part of me that hopes he'll reach out. Maybe deep down he knows that he was being disrespectful in ignoring half my messages and was a little manipulative to make it seem like I was the one being annoying.

 

I don't think he was thinking you were being annoying. I really think he felt you were getting too close and having emotional expectations from him -- and that made him pull back, almost a reality slap in the face that you both were on different emotional levels.

 

Do both parties eventually keep only the fond memories of each other? I hope so.

 

Yes. Depending on the nature of the relationship. I have one relationship where I still think very fondly of and a few that I nothing good comes to mind, and even if it did, I would be indifferent to the the sentiment.

[TamTingy]

I don't think he was thinking you were being annoying. I really think he felt you were getting too close and having emotional expectations from him -- and that made him pull back, almost a reality slap in the face that you both were on different emotional levels.

 

Haha, I don't think he got scared or anything. I'd told him twice before that I still liked him (when he tried to make moves on me), and the last time, he said he was flattered I still thought of him in that way.

[Zahara]

Haha, I don't think he got scared or anything. I'd told him twice before that I still liked him (when he tried to make moves on me), and the last time, he said he was flattered I still thought of him in that way.

 

I didn't say he was scared. He was pulling away from you and making excuses because he was trying create space in between the two of you because you were appearing emotionally needy and clingy. Your situation isn't unique on LS.

 

Understand he broke up with you. That means his emotional attachment to you has changed to a lesser degree. Your attachment hasn't. He knows that.

 

What moves did he make on you? Try to have sex after the ending?

 

Of course he is flattered. It's a huge ego boost for him when a woman is still catering to him.

Edited September 11, 2014 by Zahara

[TamTingy]

I didn't say he was scared. He was pulling away from you and making excuses because he was trying create space in between the two of you because you were appearing emotionally needy and clingy. Your situation isn't unique on LS.

 

Understand he broke up with you. That means his emotional attachment to you has changed to a lesser degree. Your attachment hasn't. He knows that.

 

What moves did he make on you? Try to have sex after the ending?

 

Of course he is flattered. It's a huge ego boost for him when a woman is still catering to him.

 

Yes, one time he was trying to have sex with me; the other time was me assuming he did. Both times, I refused because I knew it wouldn't be good in the long run since I still had feelings for him.

 

Why is it so hard for people to tell the truth? He said it wasn't because he didn't want to hang out with me, it was because he was under stressful times. Is he just leaving the door propped open for in case he gets lonely one day? That's rude.

[Zahara]

Yes, one time he was trying to have sex with me; the other time was me assuming he did. Both times, I refused because I knew it wouldn't be good in the long run since I still had feelings for him.

 

Why is it so hard for people to tell the truth? He said it wasn't because he didn't want to hang out with me, it was because he was under stressful times. Is he just leaving the door propped open for in case he gets lonely one day? That's rude.

 

Trying to have sex with you after ending with you is a disrespectful and selfish move. A man that is kind and has your best interest at heart, let's you go because 1) he chooses not to play with your emotions anymore 2) respects you enough not to use you for sex. Men that break-up with you but hold the "friends" card or the "stay in each other's life" card -- most times do that because they need a crutch and one of those crutches was when he wanted sex.

 

Tam, it is your responsibility to never allow a person that has ended with you to come in and out of your life. It isn't his responsibility but yours. The sex was a red flag to you. Why would you give a man the benefit of sleeping with you when he just showed you that you weren't worthy of being in his life anymore?

 

He will likely come back when he feels the space has settled your emotions and he can go back to hanging out and having fun with you.

Edited September 11, 2014 by Zahara

[TamTingy]

Tam, it is your responsibility to never allow a person that has ended with you to come in and out of your life. It isn't his responsibility but yours. The sex was a red flag to you. Why would you give a man the benefit of sleeping with you when he just showed you that you weren't worthy of being in his life anymore?

 

He will likely come back when he feels the space has settled your emotions and he can go back to hanging out and having fun with you.

 

Honestly, I have a feeling he still liked me when he broke up with me but also wanted his perceived freedom back and to play the field without getting into anything too serious.

 

I'm glad I was determined to never have sex with him after the break up. I was aware of the consequences, so it never happened.

 

Does it make any sense to send him a short "I understand that we can't hang out anymore" message, or trust that he understands that NC is so I can get back to neutral?

[Zahara]

Honestly, I have a feeling he still liked me when he broke up with me but also wanted his perceived freedom back and to play the field without getting into anything too serious.

 

Yes, he liked you but that shouldn't be good enough reason to allow him to enjoy all the benefits without the commitment.

 

Does it make any sense to send him a short "I understand that we can't hang out anymore" message, or trust that he understands that NC is so I can get back to neutral?

 

Stay NC. He's not a stupid man.

[TamTingy]

Yes, he liked you but that shouldn't be good enough reason to allow him to enjoy all the benefits without the commitment.

 

Stay NC. He's not a stupid man.

 

Thanks for the wisdom, Zahara. You're right. No, he's not a stupid man. He's smart, one of the most intellectually curious people I've ever met, and I hope he'll figure out that there should be no hard feelings between us.

 

If he actually wanted to make up with me, this situation would not keep him from contacting me, right?

[Zahara]

Thanks for the wisdom, Zahara. You're right. No, he's not a stupid man. He's smart, one of the most intellectually curious people I've ever met, and I hope he'll figure out that there should be no hard feelings between us.

 

Any person will have the capacity to understand that the only way to detach emotionally is with space and time -- NC.

 

If he actually wanted to make up with me, this situation would not keep him from contacting me, right?

 

That shouldn't be your focus. Your focus should be removing him from your life. Even if he came back to make up, it will be for all the wrong reasons, and not in your favor.

[travelbug1996]

The more time you spend thinking about this guy, the more time of your life you waste.

 

Its difficult to let go but you must. Your esteem will only get lower if you stay in contact with him. Block him in every way.