Trying delicately to regain a relationship with an ex, been friends since break-up

[compare_cne]

Hello. Heres a brief description of whats led up to where i'm at now. I had been in a relationship with a wonderful girl for almost 2 years, we broke up about 4 1/2 months ago - and it was devastating for both of us. we didnt break up because of any huge dramatic event, we just had both been becoming increasingly busy with our schedules - and live over an hour away from one another. During the relationship the only problems that ever arose had to do with the amount of space i fealt i needed in a relationship ... it was difficult for her to deal with but we made it work as long as we could. after the breakup we were able to remain good friends, but i never fealt good about the decision to end things. In the past 2 months i more and more have been developing strong feelings for her, and i finally told her about them one week ago - hoping she maybe fealt the same way. in short, she says she doesnt have those feelings for me at all anymore.

 

In hindsight i see how selfish i really was with the amount of distance i maintained in our relationship, its not something i feel like i want or need any longer. I've admitted to her all the mistakes i feel i had made while we were together, and they're all things i am sincere about... i took her for granted, and didnt fully listen to her when she explained that she fealy like i didnt care as much as i actually did. She ended up telling me that recently some 'more than friends' things had been happening with someone else she has known for a little while ... but she says she is not planning on taking that anywhere, and that her heart isnt ready for a relationship. I have been calm in all of our conversations, as much as everything has hurt - and all along i've maintained that i truly hope she is happy, and that i accept her no matter what. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and i feel like the reason here could be that i need to be feeling so badly is to know exactly how she fealt while we were together, to really understand those feelings so i know what she experienced - and what not to do from my end. this of course presuming theres a chance we can be together again.

 

Another slight complication of the story is that she may be going to France in the fall, for about 9 months or so ... it was something we had discussed quite a while ago while we were still together - that we'd probably split up for that event... but i feel like if we were able to get through this, than our relationship could be stronger than it ever was. I am 100% willing to wait for her during that time.

 

I think i just would like any advice that would help me see if she actually does have feelings for me still. At the moment i am giving her some time to think, as well as myself. Does it sound like there could be a chance? Any help at all will be greatly appreciated, she truly means so much to me. Thanks!!

[upsetnhurt]

Not so sure you need answers here as you said she was quite blunt in telling you that the feelings that she once had for you are no more........if she is a friend of yours, let it stay that way. In any case you have laid your feelings out there and you need to not continuously bring them up again as it is in her ballpark now. I would recommend moving on as I can see you are going to get hurt here.

[compare_cne]

I think the reason i am still holding on is that recently while we were talking she seemed to be asking more and more questions about why i did some of the things i did during our relationship - and there was emotion behind the questions ... and the way she handled talking about this subject began to change and give me more hope... she also has already talked to this other guy and told him that she is not comfortable continuing with what is going on between them. I am giving her her time, like i said, to think about the things that i've said. And moving on right now is easier said than done, i'm preparing myself as best i can but as i said in the original post - this is only a week old problem so its going to take time.

[clynn]

Maybe try stepping out of the friendship for a while.

 

She won't want you much until you are anavailable to her.

 

We women are weird that way.

 

Besides, it is clearly difficult for you to be close to her as she is messing you up!

[compare_cne]

That does make sense, but at the same time i fear she may interpret that the wrong way? like that i dont care as much as it seems - she knows its going to take me some time, and i'm planning on stepping back as much as i can bare at the moment. i realize being overwhelming right now will not help anything, but during our time apart there were a few periods where we didnt contact one another for a little while and she has told me she fealt i wasnt contacting her because i had moved on and didnt want to make the effort.

[midori]

You know what, you've let her know how you feel, and you've acknowledged the mistakes you made. First of all, good for you -- lots of people are too cowardly to own up to their mistakes, to apologize, to admit they were wrong!.

 

What you're up against are 4 1/2 months at a minimum, and probably longer if you'd been making her feel taken for granted when the two of you were together, of her feeling rejected by you. People need to process their hurt so that it doesn't pain them so much, so that it becomes bearable. When that involves a rejection by someone you really care about, people often resolve that by slowly shifting their perspective on that person. The rejected person comes to see the ways that the person who rejected them isn't so great, they recognize the ways the person who rejected them is weak/selfish/etc. The rejected person isn't just telling themselves that in order to feel better (although it might start off that way): they really do change their perspective on the person who rejected them.

 

In other words, feelings really can change -- for better or for worse. Your problem is that it took you so long to realize what a great person your ex-girlfriend was and how much she meant to you. In the meantime her feelings have gone in the opposite direction, because you proved to be someone who was careless with her.

 

The only way I can see you overcoming this obstacle, if it's even possible, is to demonstrate to her that you're not someone who takes her for granted. I don't suggest coming on to her -- she's already told you that she doesn't feel that way about you. It will take a while, a long while perhaps, to establish in her mind that you value her. Words won't do it, nor will targeted gestures. It'll take time. She was probably hurting for quite a while, and now she's in a place where she's not vulnerable to you. Why would she be inclined to give you a chance?

 

Appreciate her as a friend. You've let her know that you'd like to try again -- and it's great that you were willing to make yourself vulnerable to her. You could pull away now, and if being around her without any immediate hope of getting back together is going to be too hard on you, then you shouldn't stay in touch with her. But whatever you do, do so in an honest way that places no expectations on her. Don't try to manipulate her by pulling away to see if she notices. Honor the person that she is, and the hurt that you inflicted on her, by respecting the fact that she isn't interested in you right now. Maybe she never will be. She's still a fantastic person and certainly doesn't deserve to be subjected to further nonsense from you.

 

As for her possible departure for France, don't even think about that. Don't try to speed up the reconciliation process so that you can get back together before she leaves. Remember, if your motives and plans are based on what you want, you're still not really thinking about how things are for her, and what she wants.