Jotun Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 Hello. I'd like to hear someones opinion about this whole situation. I am in quite a bit of emotional pain so I can't really think about it clearly. And it would also be nice to vent somewhere, since I really don't trust anyone enough in real life to share this with. There's a lot to tell so bear with me please. Of course, I doubt anyone would actually read this mess, but it's at least nice to vent somewhere. First a bit about me. I am 19, soon 20 (we both are). I'm not a very sociable guy. I just have trouble making friends (and I'll tell you why in a minute). There's only two people that I have managed to make a close bond with (she being one of them). Because of this I am very insecure and really don't know the best way to deal with these things. This might sound weird, and it is, but she's also been the only person I had romantic feelings for ("fell in love with" if you prefer). Since I first met her in fifth grade of elementary school (when I was 11 or so) I felt a strong attraction to her. Well, when we were 13 or so we were seated together by a teacher, so we became very close friends. We didn't hang out a lot in real life (at all actually, unless you count 6 hours every day in school, I guess). Like I said, we became very close friends. She would constantly tell me how she loved me (as a friend of course), how much she liked talking to me, how much she liked me, how I'm her best friend and all that stuff. Of course, being the 13-14 year old that I was, I developed even stronger feelings for her. I admitted this, but of course it was never bound to happen. So, until we finished elementary school, which was another year, we stayed very close friends while she knew I was "in love" with her. I can't say I was the happiest kid because of this and I'm pretty sure I have some lasting effects of all the jealousy and one-sided romantic love, but what can you do. I really liked her as a person, so I was glad that she continued showing at least platonic affection for me, which was nice because she was the first (and well so far the only) person that ever did. So then came high school. We went to different schools but my feelings for her stayed as strong as they were before. For some reason she thought it was OK to tell me about all her adventures with boys at the beginning of high school and for some reason I was dumb enough to listen. At about this time she started being very cold with me. Not cold as in ignoring me or whatever, she still wanted to speak with me, but it just seemed like she didn't give a damn about what I felt. Like she was just using me to tell her stories to someone. Well, I really couldn't take that anymore and I felt like it was eating me from the inside so I stopped talking to her. I stopped going online on MSN (hey, remember MSN? Good times), was always as "offline" on Facebook etc. I just told her that I was having problems with my internet and slowly stopped all contact (years later I would find out that I was right, she actually didn't give a damn about me, she told me she didn't really notice I stopped talking to her, she thought that it happened "naturally" so to speak). I took some time to heal, but all of that **** defined me as a person. I was a big mess, and I promised myself I'll never let anyone get close enough to hurt me like that again. I actually kind of managed to almost kill my emotions towards relationships with people completely. This is probably the reason that I spent most of my time in high school alone. I made only one friend during the later years, and I'm still good friends with him, but that's it. And the only reason for that was that he initiated contact with me and was very stubborn. Anyway, fast forward 4-5 years. During those 4-5 years I never seen her once in real life. Every now and then she'll contact me on facebook and we'd have a long talk about random stuff, but that's it. After I healed I felt nothing for her anymore, was even glad when she finally got a boyfriend. Everything was fine. Yeah, that was just the introduction. 3 months ago she broke up with her boyfriend of two years. The very same week she re-initiated contact with me on Facebook. It's all a bit blurry, I don't remember the exact details, but we started talking more and more. But as time went on the old emotions started reawakening. At first my feelings were strictly sexual, or maybe I just told myself that, I don't know. All I know is that I was very careful not to get attached to her again in any way. We went out a couple of times, and my feelings grew stronger and stronger, though I managed to ignore them. During this time there was quite a bit of flirting between us, especially in a sexual way. She knew (I probably told her) that I was madly attracted to her sexually, but well, lets just say it wasn't completely one-sided. She admitted to me later that if we had a place to be alone it would of happened already. However, one day after we went out I was a bit bummed out because she kept going on and on about this guy from elementary school. I noticed that I was jealous as ****, and since I basically had no emotions like this in 5 years I felt very lost and confused. I had a bit to drink, but maybe a bit too much (actually way too much). I admitted all my feelings to her. She told me how sorry she was about how she made me feel, blah blah, she doesn't see me in that way, blah blah blah. So I thought, okay, at least I tried. We had a long talk about all this, which of course half of I don't remember, but yeah. Well, the next phase of our "relationship" was very weird. She started flirting more and more, and so did I. We'd constantly talk whole days, very often until like 7 AM. We'd Skype for hours, chat for hours, hang out IRL every now and then etc. Needless to say, we grew very close. Again, she'd tell me how she loves me, how she wants me to be her husband (which was actually, as she admitted, semi-serious), how she only talks to me (she even deleted her Facebook for an unrelated reason, and only kept contact with me). I'd tell her how I think she's beautiful, how I love her. We'd talk about how we have such a weird relationship, how we have no idea what is going on between us, but that we both like it. She told me many times how she wants us to have this relationship "forever", when I was sure it really can't, as soon as one of us got a boyfriend or a girlfriend it would really have to be over. She even told me that she was jealous when I looked at other girls on the street (which I actually didn't do in her presence). What I'm trying to say here is, we had a weird ****ing relationship, somewhere in between best friend and lover, but nothing actually happened between us. One day as we were talking about our weird relationship, while she was telling me how she'd be very sad when I tell all the things I tell her to some other girl, so I told her something like "well, be that girl then". And that lead into a long discussion about how she'd want to, but after 2 years of being tied to one guy (who cheated on her) she wants to have some fun with short hook ups, but she can't do that with me because I'm something for a long-term relationship and blah blah all this lead to a conclusion that we'll probably be married one day. Weird as ****, I know. So we continued our little thing for a week, talking until early in the morning every day, flirting, hanging out etc. That went on until she went on a two week holiday. The last thing she told me before she left was how much she loved me and how she'll miss me. She asked me not to forget about her. Which reminds me, very, very, very often she would show insecurities of her own and tell me how she knows I will get bored of her and things like that. This for some reason reassured me that she won't do the same to me, but boy, was I wrong. While she was on holiday, she actually had an internet connection so we continued speaking. A lot less, of course. First few days everything was fine. Then she started getting colder and colder. Again. Like 5 years ago. Like she was a completely different person. All that warmth she had in her words before were gone. Just stopped giving a **** about me. I was in huge doubts so I actually confronted her with this one time. The thing that made me do this was that she "undeleted" her Facebook account. I hope you can imagine why my thoughts were "well, she obviously got bored of me". If it was only that, I'd agree, I'm overreacting. But it wasn't. She was ignoring me all the time, on all my messages about how I missed her she would just reply with something like "lol". And that really hurt me. I was in huge doubts and I didn't know what was happening so I asked her once. She told me to stop bothering her. Okay, I thought, so she became a bitch. Don't know why, but she did. A day later she apologized for what she told me the day before, but didn't apologize for all her behavior. So I asked her, what happened? Why is she like this. She said she doesn't know. That she just has no time to speak so blah blah. I was hoping everything will be fine when she comes back home. But it wasn't. The first thing she did when she came back, again, was "seen" my messages on Facebook. About a month before she threw a fit when someone did the same to her. Yet, here she was, doing this to me for 2 weeks. So after a few hours of her being online but no responding I threw in a joke about the "seens". The joke doesn't matter since it doesn't translate well! But uh, she called me selfish for trying to talk to her after she spent a day in a car. Apparently, that's selfish. After two weeks of being ignored, trying to talk to her is selfish. And that's pretty much what I told her, and finished everything with "ok **** this". After I cooled down a bit I thought, hey, maybe I was being selfish. She just had a long car ride and I'm here bothering her. Okay, obviously something changed between us, but maybe I was in the wrong. So (while sh was offline) I apologize, I tell her again that I'm acting like that because I love her and that I just want to know what happened, why is she like this, etc. A day later, of course, she "seen"s it and doesn't respond. I ask her if she has anything to say and she just says "sorry". I ask her does she have anything else to say and she responds with "no" and goes offline. Needless to say I was pretty pissed and told her that she'll finally get what she wants, I'll stop bothering her, and I deleted her of my facebook. I may or may not called her a bitch and a **** in the process. Hours later she readds me and tells me how she doesn't like speaking about things like this, tells me how she's just like that with people, she has periods of cooling off etc. Basically, I get nothing. No real explanation, no reassurance, nothing. Oh and she called my apology "pathetic", which is nice. We pretend none of that happened and we continue speaking for a day or two. Of course, not like before. Nowhere near that. But we talk. I ask her if she wants to go out, she tells me how oh so very busy she is the next two weeks. A day later she sends me a picture of a table with drinks, cigars and crap. I ask her what was that, she tells me it's a table. I ask her where is she, she tells me something like "AT A FRIEND." What the ****? I ask her what friend, she doesn't respond. I say "I thought you were busy, but guess I was wrong. Or maybe, you're just an *******. Whatever". She responds me with the name of the [male] friend she was with (irrelevant). We haven't spoken to each other since (about 24 hours). I don't know what to think. I feel rejected, abandoned and used. I feel like she only used me as an ego boost after a bad break up (like I said, her boyfriend cheated on her) and now she has no need for me and ****ed me off. Oh and if you really really read this far, then congratulations and thank you.
preraph Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 Wow, she really doesn't seem to know WTF she wants, does she. You've been honest with her and I totally understand that because you were childhood friends, many many women would have a hard time transitioning that into romance. You are very likely a bit of a brother to her. I don't like it that she seems to encourage you to some extent and I feel she does it for her ego, and that's not fair. She knows it bothers you to hear about other men and goes out of her way to do it, so I'm thinking she really is a bit of a bitch. I think maybe this isn't the same little girl you once knew but one who has somehow grown up to be pretty insensitive and cruel. I would be careful what you wish for. She has no business telling you she wants to screw around but might want to marry you someday -- as if you have nothing better to do than wait and see if THAT pans out. I really think you need to block her every way possible and just move on because -- here's why: She has shat on you over and over and watched you squirm but come back for more. She will always keep doing that now that she knows how much of it you'll put up with. You are young and going into what should be the most exciting 10 or so years of your life. This is no time to waste your emotions on this fickle and not very nice girl. I think because you're so invested, only a total and clean break will do it because she will try to yank your chain just to see if she can. So make that impossible, and then ramp up you socializing with friends and be open and friendly and better girls will come along. Good luck.
jackiecour Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 My take: She does not want to deal with your feelings for her, but she values you and loves having you around, as a friend and maybe as a flirt as well. She is fickle. Maybe she won't always be-- you guys are young. She cannot handle offending people. She wants everyone to think she is just great (don't we all). She won't tell you "I don't like you that way" because she's afraid you will be angry with her and dump her as a friend. And also, she may like you that way next week, and then next year, kinda not. Some people have a truly difficult time figuring out what they really want. I think this is all about setting some boundaries for you. But remember that even if she is being callous about it, she is not required to like you, so don't fall into the trap of basically conveying that unless she feels the same about you as you do about her, then she's a b*tch. That is icky and a lifelong turn-off. Instead, figure out what you need your friendship to be. If you aren't going to date, then how long a cooling off period do you need? Two months? (I'd suggest it.) Tell her, hey I like you, but if you don't want to date exclusively then that is ok, just let me know. And I promise I'll not hate you for it, I'll still be your friend. I'll need some time to go lick my wounds and I know you'll respect that, but then we'll still be friends." Hey, good luck and by the way, I noticed you write quite well. I hope this girl is intelligent like you, but if not, surround yourself with other smarties.
Author Jotun Posted September 10, 2014 Author Posted September 10, 2014 Thank you both for your replies. I really didn't expect that people would actually read the whole thing. So thanks a lot. Wow, she really doesn't seem to know WTF she wants, does she. You've been honest with her and I totally understand that because you were childhood friends, many many women would have a hard time transitioning that into romance. You are very likely a bit of a brother to her. The worst part is that in the beginning of our new friendship (or whatever you want to call it) we both were very honest with each other. I could tell her almost anything, and so could she. Many times she told me that she easily tells me things that no one knows about her. And I told her things that no one knows about me, including my emotions. I am very closed usually and don't share my emotions even with my closest family, and yet I told her almost everything for some reason. And she really did care about what I felt. But like I said, everything changed once she went on that damned holiday. She stopped giving a damn about me, and I really want to know why. Or maybe it's better not knowing. I don't know. I don't like it that she seems to encourage you to some extent and I feel she does it for her ego, and that's not fair. She knows it bothers you to hear about other men and goes out of her way to do it, so I'm thinking she really is a bit of a bitch. Yeah, I felt like that many times. She is actually a very insecure person and her self-confidence is very low. Kinda like me, I guess. So I can see how it must have felt for her for someone to tell her the things I told her. In fact, I knew this from the start, I just didn't mind it as long as the things she told me were sincere. As long as I really did mean something to her, friendship-wise, romance-wise, whatever. I guess that maybe was my own confidence boost, however I was stupid enough to get attached too much which resulted in my confidence going the completely opposite way after all that happened later. Also, she seemed to care about my whole jealousy issue and said that it was fine many times. She even admitted being jealous when I looked at other girls etc. But, again, everything changed for no ****ing reason (and sorry for cursing) and that's what bothers me the most. How can someone tell you one day that he loves you, that you're the only person he talks with, that he wants to marry you (wtf) and then overnight just act like none of that happened? I think maybe this isn't the same little girl you once knew but one who has somehow grown up to be pretty insensitive and cruel. I would be careful what you wish for. She has no business telling you she wants to screw around but might want to marry you someday -- as if you have nothing better to do than wait and see if THAT pans out. She was always like this to be honest. One period she's the best person you can know, she's sweet, she's warm, she's really everything you'd want in a friend (at least she was for me) and then overnight she turns into a complete cold-hearted.. well, bitch. I swear, there are radioactive atoms that are more stable then her. To be fair though, she insisted that I don't actually just wait for her because that would make her feel guilty. That she can't expect someone to sit waiting for her while she's out having fun. But that she thinks that somehow later in life we'll just find each other (she kinda believes in "fate" and all that). Of course, I told her I have no intentions of waiting for someone like that (like I said, we have a very open and honest relationship). I really think you need to block her every way possible and just move on because -- here's why: She has shat on you over and over and watched you squirm but come back for more. She will always keep doing that now that she knows how much of it you'll put up with. You are young and going into what should be the most exciting 10 or so years of your life. This is no time to waste your emotions on this fickle and not very nice girl. I think because you're so invested, only a total and clean break will do it because she will try to yank your chain just to see if she can. So make that impossible, and then ramp up you socializing with friends and be open and friendly and better girls will come along. Good luck.Well, I think that you are right. I haven't spoken with her for 2 days and I'm already feeling much better. So you're right in that aspect. I just want to know her side of the story, though. What, did she just get bored of me? Overnight? That part is really bothering me and I can't explain how much, especially because the same thing happened 5 years ago and I feel naive and played because I let it happen again. ----- My take: She does not want to deal with your feelings for her, but she values you and loves having you around, as a friend and maybe as a flirt as well. She is fickle. Maybe she won't always be-- you guys are young. She cannot handle offending people. She wants everyone to think she is just great (don't we all). She won't tell you "I don't like you that way" because she's afraid you will be angry with her and dump her as a friend. And also, she may like you that way next week, and then next year, kinda not. Well, you certainly are right. She is a fickle. And she does seem to care way too much about what other people think about her. I just feel like she completely stopped caring about what I think about her, though. Some people have a truly difficult time figuring out what they really want. I think this is all about setting some boundaries for you. But remember that even if she is being callous about it, she is not required to like you, so don't fall into the trap of basically conveying that unless she feels the same about you as you do about her, then she's a b*tch. That is icky and a lifelong turn-off. I agree with you, of course, but I didn't call her a bitch because she didn't like me in that way. In fact, two times (back when we were 14 and 2 months ago) I didn't hold her responsible for anything after she rejected me in that way. I even stayed friends with her, because I really liked her as a person. However, after she started flirting with me and telling me all those things she told me and then just stopped everything abruptly, almost overnight, that's when I felt that she was a bitch. Actually, no, that's not it. After I asked her what changed between us and she started acting like she doesn't care, telling me to stop bothering her, ignoring my affection and everything else, that's when I decided that she was a bitch. Instead, figure out what you need your friendship to be. If you aren't going to date, then how long a cooling off period do you need? Two months? (I'd suggest it.) Tell her, hey I like you, but if you don't want to date exclusively then that is ok, just let me know. And I promise I'll not hate you for it, I'll still be your friend. I'll need some time to go lick my wounds and I know you'll respect that, but then we'll still be friends." A cooling off period would be great. And I'd love to stay friends with her, but I feel like it's a bit too late. After I called her an as*shole that last time (after she told me that she was "busy" and couldn't go out, and then sent me personally pictures of her being out) we haven't had any contact. And I don't know what the best thing to do right now is. I cooled off my emotions a bit, so often I find myself thinking "hey, maybe I should say hi", but then I realize "wait, what a stupid idea, she treated me like old shoes. where's your self-worth?" So I don't know. I think I'll just wait for her to re-initiate contact if she wants to. If not, I'll manage, I guess. Do you (both of you + if anyone else is reading!) think I should though? Should I start talking to her like nothing happened? Should I just say hi and see how she responds? Or should I just wait and see if she decides to say anything. Related: yesterday she shared a photo on Facebook which said, translated, something like "True friendship is not being inseparable, it's being separated and nothing changes." A massive over-simplification, but very obviously this was aimed at me. So I just "liked" the image and said nothing. Did I do the wrong thing? Maybe I should of just ignored it? Or maybe I should of told her it was an over-simplification? Hey, good luck and by the way, I noticed you write quite well. I hope this girl is intelligent like you, but if not, surround yourself with other smarties.Hey, thanks man. And yeah, she actually is quite intelligent. I'd count her in my top 5 list of most intelligent people I know. In fact, she'd probably be right there at the top. And no, I'm not idealizing her. Far from it.
whichwayisup Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 First off, you need to click on her updates and change that setting so you don't see what she's posting. Don't go looking on her page either once you do this. (option is hide all updates from xxx) Instead, figure out what you need your friendship to be. If you aren't going to date, then how long a cooling off period do you need? Two months? (I'd suggest it.) Tell her, hey I like you, but if you don't want to date exclusively then that is ok, just let me know. And I promise I'll not hate you for it, I'll still be your friend. I'll need some time to go lick my wounds and I know you'll respect that, but then we'll still be friends." This is great advice. Ask her to please respect your wishes and give you space and time so you can get over her. It's really hard to be friends with someone you love and want, and they don't want you that way. As you know it hurts so put yourself first and try not to worry how she is gonna feel when you back off and take time away from her and the friendship.
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