terlaughs Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 Hi everyone, I'm on 3 weeks NC... I dated this guy who is a friend of a friend for the summer. Initially, he was very shy.. I've known him for a while, we play rec sports together. My friend raved about him, and even warned me not to hurt him because he has never had a gf before, whereas I date a lot.. He's 33, I'm 30. He's kind of a loner, not many friends except family friends, I'm very bubbly and outgoing... lots of friends.. I wasn't that into him at first, whereas he came on very strong (but not with hooking up). I actually felt like I was a bit out of his league, and he would say how nervous he was to call me. My friend said to go with it, that he would never hurt me. Sex-wise.. he didn't seem too experienced.. he had major ED/would climax instantaneously, but by that point I liked him.. so it didn't bother me a ton. He was great and always wanted to see me. I felt like I was falling for him and swore he felt the same.. I met his family, but waited on bringing him around mine (still only had been dating about a month). He invited me to Europe with mutual friends over the summer, but I held off.. seemed too soon to commit to that. Anyway, by the time the trip came around I knew I'd miss him and initiated seeing him when I could, because I knew he'd be busy.. I asked him why he was backing off a bit, but figured it had mostly to do with trip preparations.. I had been more open about how he could be less shy with me because I was really interested.. He kind of asked me to teach him how to be in a way/tell him if ever I needed to talk.. WELL-anytime we'd talk he'd get really weird and go silent on me.. (over things like communicating feelings, making plans, nothing major). We got along very well.. Never fought in person, but his weird defense/lack of empathy/stubbornness coupled with my stubbornness and need to say what's on my mind led to disagreements via phone/text. I went on vaca with my mom when he got back from his trip, so we were apart for 2 weeks at one point and only communicated via text. The 1 day between trips I was hoping to see him, but his way of inviting me over was to say "you can come by if you want to.". Of course, I was offended.. figured he'd be more excited. I still brought him a souvenir home, he didn't for me.. but didn't call while on trip, felt he was kind of rude and cold prior to me going... Ultimately I felt he was more pessimistic.. I would've continued to see him because he was a really good guy(or so I thought), but my friend mentioned he was telling her he was having doubts.. So, we talked and we split.. amicably.. he said he still wanted to see me but the doubts would eat at him?! So I just said forget it... He def. is not seeing anyone else or other people.. Any thoughts? Just lost interest or something more to it...? I've been told doubts are normal.. why would someone who never dates pass up a great girl that he at one point was crazy about?
ExpatInItaly Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 Well, I think it's safe to say you've discovered why he's never had a girlfriend at 33. He doesn't really sound interested in a relationship, to be honest. Could be a commitment-phobe, could be very anti-social, could be into men, could be a past trauma that has kept him single...who knows? Try not to be too hard on yourself. It sounds like there are deeper issues with this guy that are unrelated to you. 2
Author terlaughs Posted September 9, 2014 Author Posted September 9, 2014 thank you! I agree- just didn't understand why he'd come on so strong initially while trying to be a gentleman if he didn't want a relationship.
sdrawkcaB ssA Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 Well being a shy guy, it probably was that he never got comfy with you enough to share his feelings. too much at once so to speak. i would have done the same with any woman on my first time. Just found knowing someone by not dating easier to digest. I guess women thought i was not interested in a relationship because i was slow to them. you may be able to stay friends and let thing grow between you. Not that he needs peronal space or is a naturally distant person, just once you see him come out of his shell, you'll find it rewarding and worth the effort... well not effort, time if anything.
Author terlaughs Posted September 9, 2014 Author Posted September 9, 2014 he seemed comfortable.. almost as if he loved me, but never said it.. I could be wrong though. I will see him from time to time and we do speak but not directly.. I haven't acted upset, if anything I've been putting on a happy face.. but I also don't want to be overly friendly because I feel he was careless in the relationship-sense..
stillafool Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 I think he liked you very much but became insecure around you. I think it may have been somehow eating at him that he would become a disappointment to you if you two married. I think thats also the reason he had the ED problems.
OwMyEyeball Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 From how you've described him and his behaviour it sounds as though he has some deep personal issues he's grappling with that were there long, long before you showed up into his life. I believe he did enjoy your time together, but lacked the emotional maturity to understand or communicate the kinds of feelings that come up during dating and relationships. I don't think he really knew what he wanted. As a guy who has never dated before he wouldn't have an accurate conception of what a relationship even involves. He probably came on strong while being a gentleman because he fancied you and thought that the best way to get your attention. Once he got it and things started rolling he got a bit lost and confused.
Assasda Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 IHe got to know you, and he did not like you OP. After you guys had sex too early, You got to nagging, it turned the guy off. Then he was gone. 1
Author terlaughs Posted September 10, 2014 Author Posted September 10, 2014 I wouldn't call talking to someone nagging.. I was very open and honest.. we had sex after knowing each other about a month, which seemed reasonable.. he wasn't a player by any means, although the result of the relationship kind of almost seemed that way.
OwMyEyeball Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 Alternative theory: He's got serious mental issues he needs to deal with. When you guys started to get serious he got scared and bailed. 2
Author terlaughs Posted September 10, 2014 Author Posted September 10, 2014 right- yea I mean us girls can be nags, but I've been in enough relationships to know that gets you nowhere... I was always open and honest, which he asked me to be.. just felt it was held against me almost.. I don't understand why he would pass this up/be so negative over minor confrontations... we always got along in person!
Author terlaughs Posted September 10, 2014 Author Posted September 10, 2014 not that dating this guy again would be the best idea- but do people like this ever regret such a decision? I could see why he wouldn't because he has no other relationship to compare to, but it would be nice to know he is kicking himself.. just seemed strange that he could've totally lost interest.
Gloria25 Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 I don't know, this thread is one reason why I don't like to meet people over vacay-season (i.e. summer, Thanksgiving, Xmas, New Year's)... Cuz, I wonder if the person is lonely or just wants someone to bring to family events (i.e. winter holiday months)...or, they just get caught up in the heat of the occasion (i.e. summer). Then, cuz you gotta do things with your family (and probably aren't to the point where you wanna bring him/her to meet your family), you don't have time to actually bond with your newly-found mate/date.
Author terlaughs Posted September 10, 2014 Author Posted September 10, 2014 good point! I don't think that was case here.. don't think he would've pushed that if he didn't truly care in some capacity.. but always possible.
OwMyEyeball Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 not that dating this guy again would be the best idea- but do people like this ever regret such a decision? I could see why he wouldn't because he has no other relationship to compare to, but it would be nice to know he is kicking himself.. just seemed strange that he could've totally lost interest. Yes, they do regret their decisions. You may be interpreting very deep fears for a loss of interest. I doubt he suddenly stopped caring. More likely that he became overwhelmed with new emotions and "froze up". Regard him like you would a twelve year old - at least towards his maturity in adult relationships. Unless he's had plenty of experience with those through work or extensive adult friendships, he's still operating on the emotional level of a boy. Do you know if he's ever been diagnosed with or treated for a mental illness?
Author terlaughs Posted September 10, 2014 Author Posted September 10, 2014 none that I know of.. our mutual friend said she thinks something's up with him but never went into detail.. He does show traits of someone with slight hint of Aspergers.. engineer-also forgot to mention he works from home so no interaction with others regularly.. no coworkers he hangs with, etc... not very close to family but spends most social time with them.
Author terlaughs Posted November 2, 2014 Author Posted November 2, 2014 to answer that last question- I have come to the conclusion he may be on the spectrum in some way... Definitely exhibits qualities of aspergers, but no mental illness that I'm aware of..
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