longjohn Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 This is a bit of a follow-up to an earlier post. I've been chewing some things over in my mind trying to figure this out before posting. My GF of a couple of months (lets call her GF 2 of 2014) admitted some insecurities to me and I'm trying to figure out how best to deal with those and how best to help her. I've also noticed a number of smallish lies she's told. Example how many BF's have you lived with.. 2 yet prior conversation puts that number at 4. Which is fine, I'm not in any way shape or form judgmental and have told her I won't judge her if it's 4 or 14. I've asked have you ever been engaged, married, divorced etc. I get told engaged once years ago. That's ok I'm thinking. Now a couple of months later it's engaged twice but one didn't count? Another was do you ever talk to your ex, never I'm told yet I know they have texted. Another was she says she worked all day but I know for a fact she left at lunch time. I asked twice on this and twice she stated she worked the entire day. It's starting to annoy me and I hate to confront her about this as it will lead to at least an argument which triggers her insecurity. All of this makes me question what else does she "not count"? Apparently "not counting" somehow allows her to her write certain things off without any guilt attached. I've put it to her if there's anything else that she didn't count that she wanted to share so I won't say WTF next time she contradicts herself and of course she said no and explained why something's didn't count to her. I'm more black and white about it than she is apparently e.g. if you moved in with someone for two months then yes you lived with them. If some gets down on one knee and says will you marry me and she says yes.. twice then both times count as engaged. I hate this and starting to get pissed off dating women that wouldn't know the truth if I slapped them in the face with it. I think I need to tell this one where she can go.
Fondue Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 To me, it doesn't matter what she lies about, it is that she lies. Often. Will she ever stop? Are you ever going to fully trust her? Is it worth to try? Think about these things. Think about what these things MEAN in the future. It'll probably get worse. And you know what, it isn't your problem. And it definitely isn't a problem that you should "fix." Let this one go, bro. 2
d0nnivain Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 1-2 of those "little lies" shouldn't be a deal breaker . . . the tendency toward revisionist history is a problem. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 In my books, those are not "smallish" lies. They're significant. Why did she feel she couldn't be honest about it? I would wonder what else she is hiding. She is showing you that she's not honest and doesn't know how take accountability. One engagement "doesn't count" - what does that even mean? 1
d0nnivain Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 I was giving the girl the benefit of the doubt (even if it wasn't exactly deserved). To say an engagement doesn't count makes no sense. To say some guy she may have gone on 4-5 dates with doesn't count as a relationship would be OK in my book. Similarly, I still consider myself to have worked "all day" even if I left the building for lunch. Again if the OP considers that a "lie" I'll still give the girl in Q a pass on that one.
Assasda Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 This is a bit of a follow-up to an earlier post. I've been chewing some things over in my mind trying to figure this out before posting. My GF of a couple of months (lets call her GF 2 of 2014) admitted some insecurities to me and I'm trying to figure out how best to deal with those and how best to help her. I've also noticed a number of smallish lies she's told. Example how many BF's have you lived with.. 2 yet prior conversation puts that number at 4. Which is fine, I'm not in any way shape or form judgmental and have told her I won't judge her if it's 4 or 14. I've asked have you ever been engaged, married, divorced etc. I get told engaged once years ago. That's ok I'm thinking. Now a couple of months later it's engaged twice but one didn't count? Another was do you ever talk to your ex, never I'm told yet I know they have texted. Another was she says she worked all day but I know for a fact she left at lunch time. I asked twice on this and twice she stated she worked the entire day. It's starting to annoy me and I hate to confront her about this as it will lead to at least an argument which triggers her insecurity. All of this makes me question what else does she "not count"? Apparently "not counting" somehow allows her to her write certain things off without any guilt attached. I've put it to her if there's anything else that she didn't count that she wanted to share so I won't say WTF next time she contradicts herself and of course she said no and explained why something's didn't count to her. I'm more black and white about it than she is apparently e.g. if you moved in with someone for two months then yes you lived with them. If some gets down on one knee and says will you marry me and she says yes.. twice then both times count as engaged. I hate this and starting to get pissed off dating women that wouldn't know the truth if I slapped them in the face with it. I think I need to tell this one where she can go. You have to seriously consider whether or not you want to be with this girl. Lying is the worst in my book. People that lie cannot be trusted. - You never know if you should support them, or if you should be against them in certain situations because they are so disingenuous. Dont be lied to OP, its a slippery slope, especially if youre an understanding person that can handle a hard-truth, dont ever accept being lied to 1
Author longjohn Posted September 10, 2014 Author Posted September 10, 2014 I was giving the girl the benefit of the doubt (even if it wasn't exactly deserved). To say an engagement doesn't count makes no sense. To say some guy she may have gone on 4-5 dates with doesn't count as a relationship would be OK in my book. Similarly, I still consider myself to have worked "all day" even if I left the building for lunch. Again if the OP considers that a "lie" I'll still give the girl in Q a pass on that one. It's moving firmly towards deal breaker status with this one I just can't do lies. I can't handle the thought in the back of my head.. what else isn't she telling or half telling or not counting. I can handle the truth much better than to be made a fool of with lies. Now I could give her a pass on the "worked all day" only the second time I asked her that question she confirmed she got to my place about 4:30 after work, she was out at lunch? It makes me ask the question why lie. There's nothing to even cover up. I'm starting to wonder if she unknowingly is the root cause of her insecurities and her past relationships have failed when guys bolted because her story would change to include/exclude certain things.
Lernaean_Hydra Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 I have to ask though, how did these questions even come up more than once over the course of the relationship? Why were some of them even being asked in the first place? And as to how one can say an engagement "doesn't count", well, it's not too far-fetched a thing in my experience. I used to run around with the idea that I had once been "engaged" because a boyfriend of mine - when I was 19 mind you - once asked me to marry him one night of binge drinking. I, in my drunken stupidity adamantly accepted and the next day we updated our Facebook relationship statues to "engaged"; he even showed me a picture of the ring he was buying from a relative. Naturally two days in I regretted my decision immensely but took weeks to tell him. I never got the ring, got weirded out by the idea of how serious we had gotten so fast and ended up breaking it off with him. The relationship was one of puppy-love, insecurity (on both our parts) and most assuredly not real, nor the engagement sincere. Yet for two years, when asked whether I'd ever been engaged I unfailingly answered "yes"; but now I have to add the exact circumstances as a footnote every time I'm asked as to why it doesn't count.
Toodaloo Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 The only reason to lie is that you have something to lie about. Working a half day is not working a full day. Off the top of my head I wouldn't be able to say the exact number of men I have lived with etc I would have to work it out but I would say that. Took about 3 seconds... Engagements and proposals again I would have to think about it. Again took about 3 seconds. The only excuse to lie is if you are organising a surprise. If she is trotting them out like this what happens when if comes to the big stuff? Run.
Author longjohn Posted September 10, 2014 Author Posted September 10, 2014 I have to ask though, how did these questions even come up more than once over the course of the relationship? Why were some of them even being asked in the first place? And as to how one can say an engagement "doesn't count", well, it's not too far-fetched a thing in my experience. I used to run around with the idea that I had once been "engaged" because a boyfriend of mine - when I was 19 mind you - once asked me to marry him one night of binge drinking. I, in my drunken stupidity adamantly accepted and the next day we updated our Facebook relationship statues to "engaged"; he even showed me a picture of the ring he was buying from a relative. Naturally two days in I regretted my decision immensely but took weeks to tell him. I never got the ring, got weirded out by the idea of how serious we had gotten so fast and ended up breaking it off with him. The relationship was one of puppy-love, insecurity (on both our parts) and most assuredly not real, nor the engagement sincere. Yet for two years, when asked whether I'd ever been engaged I unfailingly answered "yes"; but now I have to add the exact circumstances as a footnote every time I'm asked as to why it doesn't count. The questions came up some in conversation and some I directly asked because I was curious. I'd answered similar questions when asked and thought it fair to ask in return or answer in return if I'd been asked. I was thinking I was being open and honest, building trust. Until similar questions cropped up or another part of the story was divulged at a later time then I'd notice.. well that's 2 not 4 or that's 2 not 1 and I'd naturally ask why. Then it'd be explained that didn't count because of x,y or z. All the while I'd be thinking.. I'm sorry that counted you may not like it but that actually counts. Now the engagements, one was serious and one was for a few months, I believe the second a rebound for the first. However both where complete with ring and everything and lasted a period of time longer than a weekend or a week. Like I said I wasn't trying to judge the woman and was only curious. Now I feel lied to on a number of occasions without good reason. At least the reasons presented tell me she's refusing to accept her actions and would write certain things off as "not counting". The fear in the back of my mind is what else didn't count in her life that actually counts to everyone else.
Author longjohn Posted September 10, 2014 Author Posted September 10, 2014 The only reason to lie is that you have something to lie about. Working a half day is not working a full day. Off the top of my head I wouldn't be able to say the exact number of men I have lived with etc I would have to work it out but I would say that. Took about 3 seconds... Engagements and proposals again I would have to think about it. Again took about 3 seconds. The only excuse to lie is if you are organising a surprise. If she is trotting them out like this what happens when if comes to the big stuff? Run. That's exactly my point. The thing about working half a day is I know for a fact she went to my place right after work and just stayed there. There's no reason to lie about it but she did which makes me ask the why question. I really don't care how many people she lived with, slept with, was engaged to I'm interested in the person sat in front of me now. That person from what I can tell is telling small lies about things I don't care about and that don't even need to be lied about. Which brings me back to why, why would someone do this.
d0nnivain Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 longjohn You seem like you are already done with this girl & that's OK. Let her go. While usually I'm a big fan of ending things with a vague, this isn't working out for me & not getting into specifics, I might think about telling this girl some of what you told us, especially the part about the inconsistencies driving you away. Don't accuse her of lying because I think it's more a revisionist history thing & she may believe the stuff she says. If going forward she can learn to be more straightforward & less evasive she may stand a better chance of having a successful relationship in the future even if it's not with you. You're not her shrink. You are under no obligation to do this. If you think it will cause more drama, don't. But if you can give her some insight, it would be a kindness. 2
Ducktapetherapy Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 longjohn Honesty has always been the key to every successfulrelationship that I have had. It is always better to get the truth out in thebeginning so it doesn't sneak up as a surprise later in the relationship. ~Ducktapetherapy
Joaquin Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 (edited) There are better things to be doing than second guessing every answer a person gives you. It's like playing parent to a dishonest school child and it becomes exhausting. Why not find someone who can give a straight answer without all the lies. God knows what she is not saying that she should be if all she can manage when shes asked something is lies and sneakiness. Edited September 11, 2014 by Joaquin 1
Author longjohn Posted October 15, 2014 Author Posted October 15, 2014 I know this is an older thread but I wanted to run a brief update. I didn't (against my better judgment) end gf#2 of 2014 relationship last month. To be blunt I stalled and doubted myself thinking maybe I'm insecure (thanks ex wife for cheating) or maybe I got it all wrong etc. I was wrong to think for a second I was wrong. I should never not trust my gut. Long story short, gf goes on holiday tells me leaving on Saturday returning the next Sunday in the early hours. I offer to pick her up and drop her off. I met her family there and people are talking of course and it's mentioned they get back Saturday in the early hours not Sunday like she told me. So I ask my gf nicely why she said Sunday. I'm told, oh I wanted to spend the day with family and didn't think you'd want to come. I only said, oh ok. I didn't press it further as they are about to leave for their holiday. I know I'm not wrong in that what she did there was yet another lie. What I can't wrap my head around is why? Why all the small lies. Now I'm thinking what else has or would she lie about in the future. This seems to be a theme with her in that she'll say/do one thing and mean another and it never seems to bother her that it's a lie. I told her up front and early on lies will make me bolt and I'd prefer the ugly truth. She agreed but apparently that was the first lie lol. I plan to sit her down when she gets back and tell her why I'm ending it and I hope she'll understand that if you say x,y and z it actually has to mean x,y and z. You can't say one thing then do/say another and that's been an almost a constant theme with this woman and it frustrates the $hite out of me because I actually like her but I need to move on.
umirano Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 The behavior you describe would be a deal breaker for me. One white lie now and then is ok. But this isn't an occasional evasion or mistake. What you describe is repeated deliberate lies about where she is / what she's doing / what she had done. That's not cool. She's not comfortable with her life in front of you. Doesn't that raise your eye brows? Why are you saying "I didn't end it [...] against my better judgement"?
Author longjohn Posted October 15, 2014 Author Posted October 15, 2014 The behavior you describe would be a deal breaker for me. One white lie now and then is ok. But this isn't an occasional evasion or mistake. What you describe is repeated deliberate lies about where she is / what she's doing / what she had done. That's not cool. She's not comfortable with her life in front of you. Doesn't that raise your eye brows? Why are you saying "I didn't end it [...] against my better judgement"? It is a major deal breaker than was as apparent in the beginning. I agree everyone bends the truth here and there but there's a lot of that with this lady and it's about really stupid things that don't matter. I'm saying last month I should have ended it instead I didn't. Now I have to do it when she gets back from her holiday.
Redhead14 Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 She doesn't know who she IS. She is in denial about certain parts of her life and/or ashamed of them. Until she figures herself out, there will be no real connection or trust for either her or you.
ctorres626 Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 I agree, it would be very hard to instill trust with some of those things that have been kept from you. Perhaps she could feel embarrassed about revealing some of her past relationships and could feel like those were failures and doesn't want you to think less of her. But to lie about stuff makes it so difficult to trust and move forward with things in the future.
Author longjohn Posted October 15, 2014 Author Posted October 15, 2014 (edited) I agree, it would be very hard to instill trust with some of those things that have been kept from you. Perhaps she could feel embarrassed about revealing some of her past relationships and could feel like those were failures and doesn't want you to think less of her. But to lie about stuff makes it so difficult to trust and move forward with things in the future. I don't know about past relationships but these are smallish (some bigger) lies e.g. when she got out of work, where she's been, a big (almost relationship killing lie) was do you keep in contact with any ex's she said never but is/was at one point texting him. She defended that by saying it was one time which I now have a hard time believing. It's like when she stayed late at work a few weeks ago. Claims she arrived late because she took a wrong turn on the way in, yet has driven the exact same route 100's of times. Claimed she wasn't paying attention until it was too late. My gut says she's lying. Then said she had to stay the extra hour to make up for being late which turned into two hours because she had something to finish at work. I asked what was so important our date is now 2 hours late she became hostile then went into detail about her entire day which resulted in quite a fight and an end to that date before it started. Afterwards she comes around being very nice and sweet etc. The bottom line is I've little trust now for her and I'm starting to question everything even things that might very well be innocent because I just don't know anymore what to believe. Edited October 15, 2014 by longjohn
Georgia2014 Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 This is a bit of a follow-up to an earlier post. I've been chewing some things over in my mind trying to figure this out before posting. My GF of a couple of months (lets call her GF 2 of 2014) admitted some insecurities to me and I'm trying to figure out how best to deal with those and how best to help her. I've also noticed a number of smallish lies she's told. Example how many BF's have you lived with.. 2 yet prior conversation puts that number at 4. Which is fine, I'm not in any way shape or form judgmental and have told her I won't judge her if it's 4 or 14. I've asked have you ever been engaged, married, divorced etc. I get told engaged once years ago. That's ok I'm thinking. Now a couple of months later it's engaged twice but one didn't count? Another was do you ever talk to your ex, never I'm told yet I know they have texted. Another was she says she worked all day but I know for a fact she left at lunch time. I asked twice on this and twice she stated she worked the entire day. It's starting to annoy me and I hate to confront her about this as it will lead to at least an argument which triggers her insecurity. All of this makes me question what else does she "not count"? Apparently "not counting" somehow allows her to her write certain things off without any guilt attached. I've put it to her if there's anything else that she didn't count that she wanted to share so I won't say WTF next time she contradicts herself and of course she said no and explained why something's didn't count to her. I'm more black and white about it than she is apparently e.g. if you moved in with someone for two months then yes you lived with them. If some gets down on one knee and says will you marry me and she says yes.. twice then both times count as engaged. I hate this and starting to get pissed off dating women that wouldn't know the truth if I slapped them in the face with it. I think I need to tell this one where she can go. Please do yourself a favor and dump her. A lie is a lie no matter her reasons.
umirano Posted October 15, 2014 Posted October 15, 2014 The bottom line is I've little trust now for her and I'm starting to question everything even things that might very well be innocent because I just don't know anymore what to believe. She's poisoning the relationship to its inevitable death by sprinkling lies all over the conversation between the two of you. Good call to get out. You'll be all right. Don't try to "save" her.
ascendotum Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 She's poisoning the relationship to its inevitable death by sprinkling lies all over the conversation between the two of you. Good call to get out. You'll be all right. Don't try to "save" her. I couldn't last in a relationship like this either. None of the lies seem like big deals on their own (to me anyway), but the pattern of small white lies would get to me. You could not trust her and I would find myself verifying things just for the sake of wanting to confirm the truth or not of any matter. Even if she was not cheating in a LTR, you would always have doubts because of the little white lies. Like the leaving work early (but she says she didn't) could one day be to meet a lover, and she wouldn't have to change from feeling guilty for lying as it would be just normal nature for her.
SycamoreCircle Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 I've noticed that liars, if you just let them talk and don't say a word, will expose themselves very quickly.
singsparkles Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 This is a bit of a follow-up to an earlier post. I've been chewing some things over in my mind trying to figure this out before posting. My GF of a couple of months (lets call her GF 2 of 2014) admitted some insecurities to me and I'm trying to figure out how best to deal with those and how best to help her. I've also noticed a number of smallish lies she's told. Example how many BF's have you lived with.. 2 yet prior conversation puts that number at 4. Which is fine, I'm not in any way shape or form judgmental and have told her I won't judge her if it's 4 or 14. I've asked have you ever been engaged, married, divorced etc. I get told engaged once years ago. That's ok I'm thinking. Now a couple of months later it's engaged twice but one didn't count? Another was do you ever talk to your ex, never I'm told yet I know they have texted. Another was she says she worked all day but I know for a fact she left at lunch time. I asked twice on this and twice she stated she worked the entire day. It's starting to annoy me and I hate to confront her about this as it will lead to at least an argument which triggers her insecurity. All of this makes me question what else does she "not count"? Apparently "not counting" somehow allows her to her write certain things off without any guilt attached. I've put it to her if there's anything else that she didn't count that she wanted to share so I won't say WTF next time she contradicts herself and of course she said no and explained why something's didn't count to her. I'm more black and white about it than she is apparently e.g. if you moved in with someone for two months then yes you lived with them. If some gets down on one knee and says will you marry me and she says yes.. twice then both times count as engaged. I hate this and starting to get pissed off dating women that wouldn't know the truth if I slapped them in the face with it. I think I need to tell this one where she can go. My question would be, why is she hiding these small things from you? I feel that if people are hiding small things , then they are definitely hiding bigger things. I don't know... just seems a little sketchy. You definitely need to have a true sit down talk with her about how you feel about this, and see how she reacts. If she gets defensive, I say back off. If she understands, that means she truly cares.
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