all4best Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 I'm having a difficult time forgetting about my ex-girlfriend but I know it's for the best. The story is almost laughable but here goes: I'm 51 and she is 31. We met 15 months ago at an AA meeting and she was living with me after about 3 weeks. The emotional intensity (and everything else) was incredible. She is very attractive and was charming and kind and affectionate and I was happy. It seemed like we were made for each other. She also came with a boat load of problems I chose to ignore. Separated 4 months, sober 4 months, charges pending for sex with a minor (15), no money or car, convicted of sex offense went to jail for 30 days - after we started living together. In spite of all this I believed that she was the one. After about 6 months it was a back and forth between she loved me and she needed to be on her own because she was a mess. I told her I would stay by her side if she loved me and wanted me to be there. Each time she said that she did - I stayed. I got a bigger house for all of us last December since we each have kids but neither of us have residential custody. I gave her money for an attorney to fight for custody of her children. All the while she would continue to pull away emotionally and I would hang in there. Physical intimacy started reducing to almost nothing by March but she said it had to do with abuse from her childhood, and also that she didn't want it as much as I did, and also that is just how relationships are (many excuses). Throughout all of this I started to get very frustrated and upset because I felt I couldn't talk with her about it without her being defensive or dismissive. I was now with this completely detached person who didn't seem to care, no compassion, no sex, no kindness. I would get angry and argue with her about it and now it was my fault the relationship didn't work and she didn't love me because I was too angry. I started seeing a counselor in June because I truly didn't like the fact that I was getting so angry. She said she was ending the relationship but was still living in the house because we were both on the lease and her custody/divorce hearing was in July. Sleeping in the same bed was torturous but she moved to a separate bedroom in July. I should add that at least four or five times during this time period she would switch between wanting to work through this and "I don't feel the same way for you" and "It's not fair for you while I go through this". Now she hardly spoke to me and I couldn't have been more unhappy, depressed or full of anxiety. In early August I had all I could take and blew up one last time and told her to move out. She left in mid August and is supposed to have the rest of her things out of the house next weekend. The crazy part (as if this all isn't crazy enough) is that I feel a tremendous loss even though I know I have been miserable for the past 6 months. My friends would swear that she is a borderline or at the least a narcissist. I don't really care what label goes on it, I just want to get past this and figure out WHY IN THE WORLD did I jump head first into this and then stay and then stay and then think that my anger caused all the problems. I'm definitely continuing to stay in therapy after this one. Any input would be greatly appreciated!
me85 Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 You sound very intelligent and in touch with your feelings. That's a blessing. Good for you. There's no reason to ask why you did this or that. The past doesn't exist. You did the right thing. I allowed myself to be strung along for nearly a year with my ex. That kind of emotional damage takes years to heal, if ever. Be thankful you were only with her for a short amount of time and do everything healthy that you can to move on with your life. Thanks for sharing your story. You'd cringe if you read mine. I put up with a lot as well. Foolishly. But we have to forgive ourselves and live happier lives without people who hurt us. 1
Strength in Healing Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 People tend to miss borderline pd's more than anyone else. Google it. Keep this psycho out of your life.
Missy0724 Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 Yes, you are not alone! My relationship with a possible narcissist, at the very least a very damaged, lost man, ended almost three months ago. He was an addict of many things. He was in recovery, but fighting the addictions every day, including addiction to his ex wife. Not easy for me at all. But we fall in love with these people, for one reason or another... I get it. I believed he would, could "change", he would get over her soon. I gave him time, which he asked for. 10 months. No change, no action, setting new boundaries with her... I believed in the "fairy tale", what could be, what we could have...If he could only love me, and only me. He could not. Yes, good to find out now, feel some pain. I know realize after this time apart from him, that it is a blessing it ended. He wanted to be "friends" but I ended that farce a couple of weeks ago. Told him exactly what I thought of his lies, leading me on, making me feel used, etc. I came clean with my feelings for once. I had a hard time doing that in the relationship bc he was very manipulative, would turn everything around on me, pull the "victim" routine. Huge ego, wanted "his way", me to accept that he not over ex, me accept his definition of "addict", me accept his codependent relationships with his ex wife, his parents, even his kids. No boundaries what so ever. Very very unhealthy, and now that I can see clearly; my own "addiction" to this oh so very charming man, is ending! All those crazy "love chemicals" going away finally-yay! Taking him off that crazy pedestal. Never again! Hard lesson to learned - but a blessing in disguise for me, in my journey of dating after divorce... It is amazing how NC works. I am so happy I am doing that, have blocked his number, email, etc. At first I felt guilty. I hate to hurt anyone. But it really is for the best. For US. Such a weight off my shoulders to have him out of my life, the confusion, guilt, wondering if he is OK, etc. Getting better every day... :-)
Missy0724 Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 Sounds like she "gas lighted" you, manipulated you, mind Fed you. This is what these kinds of people do! And we are "brainwashed" in a way? Do you feel like that? I sure did! That's SO good you are in therapy! Huge and that will definitely help you process it all, all your feelings, to get to a good place. Always a good idea after such a loss, tough time... I wish you luck! And yes, forgiving ourselves probably the most important thing. We don't necessarily have to "forgive" them, just accept what happened, learn from it, don't repeat our unhealthy choices. There are important lessons from what we went thru. We just need to really see them, and apply them to our lives, moving forward. Sounds like you are on the right track! And it's OK to feel terrible. That means you cared. You have a heart. But like me, and so many others, we cared about this other person, more than ourselves. We really can't afford to ever do that again...
Author all4best Posted September 10, 2014 Author Posted September 10, 2014 I do feel used and brainwashed and so screwed up into thinking it was my fault. I know that's not true but it hits me that way sometimes. I think I must have some kind of codependency or attachment issues to have put up with it. She was a master of turning things around and always the victim. And so freaking impulsive and manipulative. At one point I discovered that she was contacting her ex to try and reconcile before the divorce was final. Her first response was that she told me about that. WHAT? REALLY? Later she told me that since she was still married at the time that it was a private conversation with her husband and none of my business. That is some sociopathic stuff right there. I appreciate the responses. It actually feels cathartic to get it all out this way. I know I've been driving my friends crazy with all of my ranting. 1
Ronni_W Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 I just want to get past this and figure out WHY IN THE WORLD did I jump head first into this and then stay and then stay and then think that my anger caused all the problems. You met at an AA meeting...I'm guessing you weren't there to pick-up chicks? Meaning...you were doing your own addiction withdrawal thing, or battling related demons if you're long-time sober. This relationship with all its drama and highs-and-lows may have been a bit of "replacement therapy" if you will. But the good news is that you didn't need that for very long, and now you're completely over needing it at all. Other possibility is that sometimes it's just nice to feel very needed, helpful and as if one is making a genuine contribution, positive difference to someone else. Or, you just had temporary brain-drain with total lapse in judgment...but from which you have also completely recovered. (Good job!) It's okay to cut yourself some slack, give yourself a break, and congratulate yourself that you've totally recovered from whatever-the-heck-made-you-do-that. PS - *love* the title you chose for your thread...indicates that you are altogether back on track. At least, to me it indicates that Hugs and best. 1
Author all4best Posted September 10, 2014 Author Posted September 10, 2014 I like the optimism I've been sober 19 years which is even more reason that I should have known better. I got sober when she was 12. Ha! My ex was from AA as well and was very verbally abusive and crazy. We were together 12 years and I haven't really dated much since the divorce 7 years ago. But I certainly picked a doozy to go all in with!
Ronni_W Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 But I certainly picked a doozy to go all in with! Well...next time show some REAL balls and do that with Gus Hansen...or Phil Ivey. For goodness' sake And yeah...maybe stop dating out of the AA meetings...at least for a little bit...one or two decades, something like that? Congrats on your 19 years. I'm not gonna start arguing with you now...so...yeah, kinda pro'ly shoulda known better. No, just kidding. Shyte just happens, sometimes. We lose our good judgment and our common sense becomes rare. 1
Author all4best Posted September 10, 2014 Author Posted September 10, 2014 Sounds like my sponsor talking I'm with ya on the shoulda known better--you'll get no argument from me. I have a good friend who has forbid me from ever dating AA women again. And I had to google those names to find out they're poker players. I think my money is safe since I only gamble with my heart :/
Ronni_W Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 And I had to google those names to find out they're poker players. I think my money is safe since I only gamble with my heart :/ Well...only if you want to. But then for god's sake DO NOT GO ALL IN with a doozy! As they say at the poker tables, "If you don't know who the donkey is...then it is you!" And please ask your good friend to give you a slap upside the head from me, too, should you, at any time in the future, fail to comply with his bidding. WTF? And also a kick in the rear. (And he can do whatever else he wants.) All the best, all4best
Gatema Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 (edited) Just be thankful that you were able to remain sober during the times you were with this train wreck, good Lord. You asked for our thoughts, please read this with an open mind and know that I'm not trying to make you feel any worse than you are already feeling. Really. I've seen it a hundred times, if not more, women like this seem to have this amazing, innate talent for choosing their next sacrificial lamb in the room. Once they have spotted their prey they unleash some type of magical incantation for getting the chosen one's attention. It only takes a little flirty chit chat here, a little twisting of the hair there, and the results are immediate, and if the selection is the right choice, snap. If the confirmation is valid she'll tirelessly pore on her irresistible charm, which turns grown men in to adolescent acting boys, every time. It doesn't really take much, if she's pretty, reasonably fit, is capable of creating the illusion that she is relatively happy, or emotionally stable; every man standing in that same room would probably have to render themselves powerless. It's the same behaviorial response expected to a stimulation like the one described in the above, that dates back centuries, nothing has changed between both sexes, but the time. There's not a guy, that I can think of, that could or would resist this kind of temptation; and most definitely, when the sexiness is so intoxicating, and the titilation starts to feel palpable, then almost always, it's going to trump any kind of forethought to stop and think about ..............things like maybe......... Wow, this beautiful work of perfection, the one looking at me and giving me her full attention, is also the same woman I just met while attending this AA meeting, so perhaps, I should steady myself, even focus, and entertain the possibility, that there's a very good chance that she's a little more troubled than she wants me to believe. Meaning, you were in the wrong place, at the right time, for her, that's all. You did nothing wrong but fall head over heels for this vixen. What she's the most guilty of doing is that she sold you a bag of worthless, empty promises; and unfortunately, you bought it. Not judging here, but come on, you are old enough to be her father. Without trying to rub more salt in to your freshly wounded feelings, I have to ask you a question. Just this fact, in and of itself (alone), somehow wasn't enough to raise just a little bit of a concern from your perspective? Try and consider yourself very, very lucky, to have been spared, from living through many more months of this unpredictable havoc this woman is capable of facilitating. Don't worry about her, she's already out pursuing her next " take care of me" knight in shinning armor, maybe she has her eye on the next over eaters support group. Anyway, it doesn't really matter, or it shouldn't matter to you, now. You walked the really dysfunctional wild side and some how survived. That's worth a Purple Heart, if anything. And just for the record....nobody, and I mean nobody, is that epically great in bed to willingly put themselves in the middle of this kind of cluster F of a circus. What's perfectly clear to me, is that, there's no doubt in my mind, this chick is so F*d up in the head, so broken intrinsically, and to quote my ex "she ain't right!", metaphorically speaking, you can't save her. There's not a snowball chance in hell, that she'll ever be capable of, or willing to, take care of herself. Period! Edited September 10, 2014 by Gatema
Bella2 Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 You sound like a great guy. You're going through a tough moment, but you will be totally fine
Author all4best Posted September 10, 2014 Author Posted September 10, 2014 Not judging here, but come on, you are old enough to be her father. Without trying to rub more salt in to your freshly wounded feelings, I have to ask you a question. Just this fact, in and of itself (alone), somehow wasn't enough to raise just a little bit of a concern from your perspective? No. No I didn't think about that at all. I let myself get pulled in so fast and when it came up I would punt and hold onto the "love conquers all" mentality. Normally I'm pretty sensible but my instincts regarding women are apparently less than adequate (gross understatement). I'm hoping my counselor can help me sort through the insane path I chose to follow. Even though I have feelings of loss, I find a renewed sense of spirit in identifying my part of this mess and improving myself in ways that I may have never thought had it not been for this. I believe that hope can be found in any situation - just depends on where you're looking. 1
Missy0724 Posted September 11, 2014 Posted September 11, 2014 Yup, hauntingly familiar to me, too! :-) Feel his pain...just got out of similar situation...never again. Lessons learned, so let's take it as that! And forgive ourselves. We all make poor choices at times. Part of being human. Live and learn...and that's OK! Make better ones next time! Let go and let them clean up their own messes. And hold our heads up high that we can now see clearly, who they truly are, and who we truly are. :-) And it is a BLESSING we are not with these kinds of people anymore.
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