CaliGypsy Posted October 5, 2014 Posted October 5, 2014 Maybe she has some kind of secret she doesn't want to share with you ? Something that makes her uncomfortable and / or why she avoided you when you asked certain questions . It might have nothing to do with you. It sounds like she enjoyed the emailing with you aside from the personal questions? Maybe the phone or a meeting is something she can't do for whatever reason ?
UpwardForward Posted October 5, 2014 Posted October 5, 2014 [quote It's surprising to hear people think this is natural, as if I should have known better than to expect a married woman would want to be my friend... I didn't put a gun in her back and force her to correspond with me for three years... No, it is not my wanting to be her friend that is screwed up... it's the fact that as a married woman she is possibly just too insecure to have a single female around, so she started backing off when I finally suggested we actually get together. I disagree Fair. I think it's the reverse. I'm free, and I don't want a cloistered married person using me for their added entertainment. They already have their spouse (who should come first). Don't use me to further enhance their life. It takes too much out of me, and throws me off track. Could be they're even competing with their spouse and with his/her friendships. I just don't think married and single people have anything in common with oneanother for a close relationship.
UpwardForward Posted October 5, 2014 Posted October 5, 2014 And to add: Imo, and logically - married people aren't free to talk everything that's going on in their lives. Some of it is sacred. That leaves you with a one sided conversation or just talking about generalities.
LuckyLady13 Posted October 5, 2014 Posted October 5, 2014 Fair - I had a somewhat similar situation a few years ago. My best friend in High School I ditched for good reason but my life changed at that time quite a bit. Moved, new town, loads of new friends, getting my head together about what I was going to do with my life. I lived a lot and experienced a lot. Years later this ex-best friend contacted me on FB and I thought I'd give things a shot, see if she changed for the better and hope for the best. After just a few emails and doing some catching up, she told me about her life (she had 3 kids and a few ex's) and I told her about my life (a good career, one ex I stayed with for a long time). We were on such opposite pages that I didn't think there was going to be anything between us as far as a friendship, never mind being best friends. She did not understand me at all. Having a career and a very strong mind was so foreign to her and to me it was foreign to keep having kids with different guys and ending up alone over and over raising the kids alone. It was also foreign to me to be such a homebody with no aspirations or goals at all. She had no goals for her own future and complained constantly about how people are unfair to her and won't give her a chance. So, I knew things weren't going in a good direction. Did I tell her that? No. I thought it would be rude to say how I really felt. That she was a loser with no future. How do you politely say "I can't picture myself hanging around someone with no goals and no future other than complaining about how the world is just so unfair"? I'm not afraid of confrontation whatsoever but I actually felt bad for her. It was as if she honestly couldn't see that she was her own problem and had no friends and no boyfriend or husband because of how she is. I thought even if I found a way to politely tell her how I felt, it would only make her situation worse. She was already in such a bad mental state that I didn't want to be the last thing that pushed her over the edge or something. But one day she crossed a line. She said to me "I always knew your life had to be full of drama when I didn't see you for years" and what she meant was, to her it was dramatic to own two businesses and not settle down and get married. Like that was just crazy! I wasn't offended or anything but to me she crossed a line by showing me how downright mentally ill she had become that she would project her serious issues onto me. There's nothing too dramatic about being a business owner who doesn't want to get married. My life is boring, really! At least to me it is. I love my life the way it is in so many ways. I was happy, things were going well and I wasn't up for the unbelievable amount of issues and problems she brought upon herself that she refused to deal with in any way, shape or form. The day she emailed me about my so-called dramatic life was the last day I had any contact with her. I blocked her, de-friended her and whatever I had to do to just be done with her. The similarities I see between my situation and yours is I think your friends life changed, yours didn't as much (at least in her eyes) and you weren't on the same page. You went in and were still heading in opposite directions. That would also explain why she was willing to meet up with other people in person but not you. She didn't feel you guys had any spark or chemistry and wouldn't have any fun together. It was obvious to her through the emails you had going back and forth but not obvious to you. I don't know if she feels the way I did about my ex-best friend in that you're possibly in a shaky mental state and she didn't want to say anything straight out to you. But it is possible though. Maybe she feels her life is in order and she has a good support system so she'll be fine but if she said the wrong thing to you, you may not fare so well. I could see her thinking this by your reactions to her though. This stuff, the way you feel and the way you take things she said and did had to be obvious to her through 3 years of emails if it's obvious to people in a short thread how you feel. You don't hide it. I think she was trying to take a polite route with you but instead of taking the hints by her lack of response, you wanted her to tell you things straight out. And you're angry that she didn't do what you would have liked. She probably knew this was coming too. There's no rule that married people, people with kids and single people can't all hang out and be friends. But married people do tend to build lives for themselves in such a way they barely need to go outside to have a full life and single people are getting out there and doing things because they have to and just purely want to. There has to be a spark for this to work. A chemistry that surpasses the differences in your lives. If you don't have that spark, there's no glue to hold you together with all your differences.
UpwardForward Posted October 5, 2014 Posted October 5, 2014 (edited) Another way I would put it, is - in a friendship as with marriage, the two should be equally yoked. I like to learn from people, but if two are going off in different directions, I would think a close friendship/relationship is only for a season. Edited October 5, 2014 by UpwardForward
whichwayisup Posted October 6, 2014 Posted October 6, 2014 For whatever reason(s) - And she isn't going to tell you why either - Things have changed and she doesn't want a friendship with you. I know it hurts, a lot, I can see that in your posts. The thing is, the more you try to hang on the more she will push you away. Sorry that you feel that I've not been helpful in a positive way. All I see from an objective view is a certain truth that you're unwilling to see...And that's okay because right now you can't be objective and see this from other angles. Maybe in time you will.
Author Fair Posted October 16, 2014 Author Posted October 16, 2014 I disagree Fair. I think it's the reverse. I'm free, and I don't want a cloistered married person using me for their added entertainment. They already have their spouse (who should come first). Don't use me to further enhance their life. It takes too much out of me, and throws me off track. "" Yes, this is how I feel now... after what I've experienced. I agree, too, with the poster who said my friend probably didn't think we had enough in common to have any fun together or felt there wasn't enough of a spark... but I still don't agree that she had to be so guarded about her life she couldn't answer even the most casual, mundane, questions... the kind of questions a stranger would have no problem telling you.... so, hiding something? Well, maybe. Anyway, coming here has been nothing short of totally discouraging... since every woman I know is married, as are all the men... who knew there would be punishment for choosing to stay single? That it would be like living on mars, no companionship at all, not even friends just because you're not married? Something's wrong with this picture....
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