Resentment Toward Husband

[mercuryshadow]

My H and I have been together almost three years, have been married only a few months and lived together a little over a year. He is a very nice man, is a good stepfather to my 10 year old, very helpful in a lot of ways, but I feel that if we don't sort some things out soon, things will go horribly awry.

 

He seems to show very little empathy when he says something insensitive that ends up hurting me. He has a very controlling personality, not in such a way that he will try to prevent me from doing my own thing, but such that he hovers over me and micro-manages me when it comes to a lot of things. He gets upset if I don't do something in the way that he would, or adhere to his agenda. I have learned how to respond to him when he criticizes and not engage in argument.

 

One big issue that has snowballed over time is that I feel very uncomfortable around his mother. He is taking a trip to see his parents soon, and for the first time, I've declined to join him. Being around his M is very draining. On top of that, she was very cold toward me leading up to and at our wedding, and during visits, she makes passive aggressive comments toward me. Being an introvert, I have a hard time with confrontation...but my H knows about his M's behavior and dismisses it. He has not once addressed it. When I declined to join him for the visit and reiterated my reasoning, he shut down. He got angry and said: "I know you hate my parents!!". That is not the case at all. I showed no disrespect toward his M in explaining why I feel uncomfortable with her. He showed total lack of empathy and immediately went on the defensive.

 

Sadly, this is nothing new. My only wish is that things might improve between me and his parents. His F is nice to me, more down to earth, but he and the M don't get along, and so the constant bickering bothers me a great deal, especially because it is done right in front of us, incessantly.

 

My H's refusal to acknowledge situations such as these and his general lack of empathy are causing me to feel pent up resentment toward him. I don't feel as affectionate as I should or as I once was. I know this is a big problem. Talking to him honestly puts him on the defensive and he shuts down. I've brought up MC recently. Any ideas in how to talk to him and formulate a plan to improve things? Even if just to get the ball rolling to see a MC. Thanks.

Edited September 9, 2014 by mercuryshadow

[CheckItOut]

Maybe you can ask to have a chat with him by saying something along the lines of "I know things have been a little uneasy, so I was thinking we could talk about possibly trying some marriage counseling... we could BOTH express our feelings and maybe tackle some of our problems together. I love you very much and I want us to be happy." You could bring it up over drinks (to help quell any anxieties over the topic) or later in the evening when you two are just hanging out together.

 

I would emphasize the fact that both of you would be expressing your sentiments because from what you've posted, it seems like he gets defensive quite quickly.

 

It's much better to get a hold on this as soon as possible before it gets worse. When it gets worse, you will be miserable in the situation. I also think you both need an outside source to let your husband know how he is behaving since he's not being considerate of your feelings. I'm sorry, OP.

 

Has your mother in law been cold to you since day one, or did things change between you two? Do you think she talks about you with your husband?

Edited September 11, 2014 by CheckItOut

[mercuryshadow]

Thank you for your response, checkitout.

 

I think we may have taken a step in a better direction over the past couple of days. I reminded him that I was not actively seeking reasons to dislike his mother, but instead was reiterating things that had actually happened, which outline the reason I have felt increasingly uncomfortable with her. That seemed to sober his thoughts a bit, though he doesn't remember some of the things that had happened (even though he was there). I believe that he is just so accustomed to her dysfunction that it doesn't bother him. He seemed more open to listening this time, but used the defense:"You know her mind is going." That may have some bit of truth to it, but if you never correct someone's negative behavior, they will never stop.

 

His M was more cordial in the beginning. As things progressed my H was very transparent with me about things his M would say to him about me/us. She would tell him he could have any woman he wanted. (A veiled way of insulting me, I feel). That was just one of a handful of things he told me. Not a good foundation to start a relationship with my future MIL.

 

During visits, she would make very intrusive comments about things regarding money, my son, etc. She would criticize my cleaning/cooking...I was working full time AND trying to keep up with things at home. At the time of my wedding shower, she did not come. She sent up a couple of gifts and the coldest card...she did not say one nice thing, and signed her full name to it. Wth? At our wedding, she said less than a sentence to me and I kept my distance because I didn't want to be upset by her. During a couple of visits after that, she directly insulted me about my hair, and about my weight (I'd lost weight...she said I should be careful to not gain it back).

 

H agreed to talk with her when he goes down to visit. That sounds great, but I'm not holding my breath for that.

[Mr. Lucky]

He seemed more open to listening this time, but used the defense:"You know her mind is going." That may have some bit of truth to it, but if you never correct someone's negative behavior, they will never stop.

You H needs to understand that, while he's not responsible for what his mom says and does, he is accountable for his own reaction to it.

 

For him to throw you under the bus by staying silent while she criticizes or talks down to you is unacceptable. Under similar circumstances, my wife would never have to worry about standing up for herself (although she's perfectly capable), I'd be immediately speaking up on her behalf. Any insult to her would also be an insult to me...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mercuryshadow]

Thanks, Mr. Lucky, for confirming that I'm not being unreasonable. I did actually tell my H that if my parents had insulted him on any occasion, I would address it immediately. Painting this reverse scenario for him seemed to help get him out of "defense mode."

[DaisyLeigh1967]

He does not truly care about your needs or feelings a d I would go so far as to say I wonder if he even loves you.

 

A real man does not stand for his wife being disparaged. Maybe he should go visit his parents and not come back.

[pink_sugar]

I think you guys need to go to a MC and work on these issues. Sometimes it does take a third party to realize there is an issue. You simply need to tell him that there are some issues in the marriage that you really need to work on to make things work between the both of you.

 

My husband can get critical like that as well. Say if we're driving somewhere and I say "Oh let's stop there." He'll get irritated and start saying stuff like "You should have told me that before, I'm in the wrong lane." Or if we're going somewhere, one time I was waiting for him on the couch while he was in the restroom. He came out and I got up and grabbed my purse. He started saying that since I was sitting across the room, that I must not have been ready to leave, even though I was just waiting for him to get out of the restroom! And something as simple as that became an argument, because he insisted that I must not have been ready to leave. I can understand your frustration with the condescending attitude from your husband too.

 

As far as the MIL thing, if I have to deal with such In-laws, I usually tell my husband that he can visit those people alone or if he cannot defend me, ask them to show respect towards me. And I have done this. He knows I have little tolerance for people who are disrespectful towards me.

Edited September 11, 2014 by pink_sugar

[DreamLost]

I don't see a problem with you not liking his mother. It is only natural for you to not like her because of what she has been doing. Are you supposed to wear a big smile while she talks smack in your face? I wouldn't.

 

His mother is not your mother and sometimes mothers don't like daughter-in-laws because it feels like you are taking his son away from her. The same goes for the wife's father towards his son-in-law.

 

I think you should make it clear to your husband that you are not comfortable when your mother-in-law is around but you will still try your best to get along with her. Make this fair, show your husband you really mean and do what you say. If he's still being a insensitive about it, then seeing a MC would be the right choice.