gd498 Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 I have something that has been weighing on me in my current relationship for quite some time and I was hoping to get some opinions. I'm engaged to a woman I love very much. We are both divorced and met on an online dating site. We instantly hit it off and spent most of our free time together. In fact when we were not seeing each other we were talking on the phone or texting. I have never felt closer to someone before as I do with her and we both express our love to each other daily. The problem for me is a few months into our relationship I noticed that she was still talking to the guy she dated before me, which lasted for 2 months or so until he broke it off with her but she really liked him. Any way were pretty open with our stuff and I was on her Facebook and noticed that she was searching this guy all the time and liking pretty much all of his posts. She was also chatting with him on Facebook (nothing bad) but it made me uncomfortable the level of interaction between the two of them because my first marriage ended because of her cheating so it's a sore point for me. So I did something I shouldnt have and looked at her phone one day. She hadnt texted with him in awhile but I noticed that a few months earlier when we first started dating she had texted him asking to go out and meet for drinks again. During this time she had broken up with me for a few days because she said we were moving too fast. I also saw that when she broke up with me for that short time she had continued to chat and text with guys from the online dating site although they never met up or anything. This all happened before she told me she loved me and before we got engaged and things are completely different although she will still occasionally do a Facebook search of the old guy. I can't help but feel like I was second choice from all of this though. That if this guy had taken her up on the offer for drinks she would be with him now. Or that why wasn't I good enough back then where she felt the need to continue to talk to other guys. Any opinions? We live together and are getting engaged but this is weighing on me.
longjohn Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 I have something that has been weighing on me in my current relationship for quite some time and I was hoping to get some opinions. I'm engaged to a woman I love very much. We are both divorced and met on an online dating site. We instantly hit it off and spent most of our free time together. In fact when we were not seeing each other we were talking on the phone or texting. I have never felt closer to someone before as I do with her and we both express our love to each other daily. The problem for me is a few months into our relationship I noticed that she was still talking to the guy she dated before me, which lasted for 2 months or so until he broke it off with her but she really liked him. Any way were pretty open with our stuff and I was on her Facebook and noticed that she was searching this guy all the time and liking pretty much all of his posts. She was also chatting with him on Facebook (nothing bad) but it made me uncomfortable the level of interaction between the two of them because my first marriage ended because of her cheating so it's a sore point for me. So I did something I shouldnt have and looked at her phone one day. She hadnt texted with him in awhile but I noticed that a few months earlier when we first started dating she had texted him asking to go out and meet for drinks again. During this time she had broken up with me for a few days because she said we were moving too fast. I also saw that when she broke up with me for that short time she had continued to chat and text with guys from the online dating site although they never met up or anything. This all happened before she told me she loved me and before we got engaged and things are completely different although she will still occasionally do a Facebook search of the old guy. I can't help but feel like I was second choice from all of this though. That if this guy had taken her up on the offer for drinks she would be with him now. Or that why wasn't I good enough back then where she felt the need to continue to talk to other guys. Any opinions? We live together and are getting engaged but this is weighing on me. That's harsh and hard not to feel like your her number 2 choice. However some women do like to look in on their ex's from time to time. There could very well be nothing there at all. Although if this where me I'd be highly uncomfortable with the fact she wanted to meet this guy while you where broken up early on. I'd also be highly suspicious of motivations if she keeps him on FB and continues to talk with him. Ex's have to be ejected into the past. If allowed to linger in the present they can cause major issues. I'd sit her down and talk to her about this see what she has to say about it. I'd request the ex be bumped off her phone/FB and contact be dropped. If you get resistance you may want to rethink things. Unfortunately I've been here done this before.
Author gd498 Posted September 9, 2014 Author Posted September 9, 2014 Hey thanks for the reply. We've had the discussion and I did get her to remove him from her friends list on Facebook and remove his contact info from her phone. She did all that willingly but she still does occasionally search him.
longjohn Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 Hey thanks for the reply. We've had the discussion and I did get her to remove him from her friends list on Facebook and remove his contact info from her phone. She did all that willingly but she still does occasionally search him. Then she might just be curious about him, what he's doing etc. I had an ex do that until I realized then locked down my FB to prevent it.
smackie9 Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 Ya if she still has a huge emotional attachment so that being said she is not ready for marriage because she is this at the "what if" stage. You have to wonder why she is going ahead with marriage when she is still pining for this guy. Go with your gut! If it doesn't feel right, then it's not.
Mrin Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 That's tough but you know, digging into someone's private past like that is a little like watching sausage being made. I know if my GF dug into my phone between our first and second dates she would be pretty miffed as I was actively chatting up several women I was also dating at the time. That being said, that was then, this is now. I wouldn't hold her actions whilst you were on a break against her. I don't think it means that you were a second choice - rather, she was lining up some backup plans. They were her second choices as now she's with you and you're engaged. I do think it is entirely appropriate to discuss your feelings about her contact with her ex that is more recent. It sounds like you did and it turned out positively. The other thing I would mention, is that you should be upfront about your sensitivities to infidelity especially given that she has a past history of it. Let her know that due to these sensitivities, harmless activities like chatting with an ex or FB stalking him don't seem so harmless to you. She needs to be aware of this and act appropriately or suffer the consequences.
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