xxxImaginaryloverxxx Posted March 4, 2005 Posted March 4, 2005 Ok. I wont let my bf drink or smoke does that make me controling. i mean i want a solid relationship i dont want drugs and alchol in my life.
EC Posted March 4, 2005 Posted March 4, 2005 You dont "let" him or you ask him not to? You cannot force someone not to do something. I know if I were to tell my bf you cannot do this he would laugh in my face. What you can do is tell him it bothers you and you would prefer him not to do it. Then based on what he feels he will do what he wants. He choses not to do it anymore then ok..he choses to continue doing it then thats when you have to sit and think damn is this guy really for me. Or you can sit and compromise with him....What it is about the smoking and drinking that bothers you? Can he do it when your not around maybe? Or less often maybe?
_Saffy_ Posted March 4, 2005 Posted March 4, 2005 yes i think it is controlling.........telling someone else what they can or cannot do is controlling. trying to change someone to suit you is controlling. i assume he drinks/smokes otherwise you wouldnt be able to ask him to stop, why cant you accept him for who he is?
Illusion24 Posted March 4, 2005 Posted March 4, 2005 It's not that you're trying to be controlling he just has to respect the fact that their are just some things you don't like...what I do with my bf is that I give him options...I tell him what I don't and do like and give him some what a guilt trip...I tell him "I told you what I don't like you do what you want but remember if theirs something you don't like I'm going to think twice about because you don't respect my wishes" and most of the time guess what he does....He respects my wishes...you can't make it seem like he can't make his own decisions just let him know it totally against you wishes...don't get mad get even!!
Craig Posted March 4, 2005 Posted March 4, 2005 Originally posted by xxxImaginaryloverxxx Ok. I wont let my bf drink or smoke does that make me controling. i mean i want a solid relationship i dont want drugs and alchol in my life. Controlling, manipulative and setting your relationship up for failure.
Moose Posted March 4, 2005 Posted March 4, 2005 Ok. I wont let my bf drink or smoke does that make me controling. i mean i want a solid relationship i dont want drugs and alchol in my life.IF your boyfriend was doing this before you two became invoved, and you knew it, you have no place in expecting him to do anything different. Yes it's controlling.I tell him what I don't and do like and give him some what a guilt trip...I tell him "I told you what I don't like you do what you want but remember if theirs something you don't like I'm going to think twice about because you don't respect my wishes"You'd be on your way out if you were my girlfriend. I can see right through BS like that! You ain't all that, and neither is my own wife to try manipulation tatics like that.Controlling, manipulative and setting your relationship up for failure.I agree.
whichwayisup Posted March 4, 2005 Posted March 4, 2005 All you can do is ask him not to do it around you...You can't control him and his habits, even if you don't like them. I think it is controlling and sad thing is, it won't stop just at that...Next you'll be telling him what to wear, how to part his hair, who he can/can't talk to or see. To be in a relationship one of the goals is to make sure the other person is happy. I don't see how you telling him what to do is going to make him happy...I think he'll rebel. It's natural defense that just kicks in ALL of us from childhood...DON'T TOUCH THE HOT STOVE...YOU WILL GET BURNED...So what do we do?? DUHH, We touch the hot stove.
Author xxxImaginaryloverxxx Posted March 8, 2005 Author Posted March 8, 2005 wow some of u guys can be mean but here a tip we are only 16.... and i dont go right out and say u cant do it at all. it simply bothers me o well just wanted an opinion.
d'Arthez Posted March 8, 2005 Posted March 8, 2005 I don't know where you live. But if it is illegal to drink, and if he does drink, yeah, I can understand that your attitude. Still it seems controlling, though. Why don't you want him to drink?
Author xxxImaginaryloverxxx Posted March 10, 2005 Author Posted March 10, 2005 oh well it doesnt matter ne more. what you guys dont understand is i dont want him to get hurt. i dont want him to get into ne trouble. its wut a gf does. oh well i dont care i dont need ne more imputs.
SleepingLover Posted March 10, 2005 Posted March 10, 2005 I think what everyone is trying to say is that he won't quit doing those things if someone else tells or asks him too. He has to want to do it for himself. I know this all too well. I was married to a woman for 11 years whom was an alcoholic. Telling her, asking her, pleading with her never worked even in the least. It, along with cheating ended us up in divorce court because I just couldn't take it any longer. The bottom line is this... if you don't like something they do and it bothers you to the point that you think that you must ask them to stop it, it is probably better to move on and find someone else whom has healthier habits. You are young, don't tie yourself to someone just yet. Go out and have a good time and you'll eventually find someone without the dependencies you dislike. I'm a smoker, unfortunately, and I'm waiting for miss right to come along and kick the habit out of me LOL! I would much rather makeout, get backrubs etc.. to relieve my tension than nicotine. Oh well, that remains to be seen for now Too few Miss Rights around for this selectively picky goof, but I know one is out there... just gotta keep looking under all those rocks. Funny, I always find creepy stuff under all those rocks...worms, centipedes and spiders... maybe I'm looking in the wrong places. ? .
Moose Posted March 10, 2005 Posted March 10, 2005 wow some of u guys can be mean but here a tip we are only 16.... and i dont go right out and say u cant do it at all. it simply bothers me o well just wanted an opinion.We aren't being mean. Put yourself in his shoes. What if he didn't like the shade of lipstick you're so used to wearing? What if he didn't like your hair the way you keep it and he wanted you to style it in a way that you just can't stand? Your age shows with this next comment:oh well it doesnt matter ne more. what you guys dont understand is i dont want him to get hurt. i dont want him to get into ne trouble. its wut a gf does. oh well i dont care i dont need ne more imputs.Grow up, and learn to take criticism, the sooner you learn to do that, the better off you'll be all the way around.
gersanos Posted March 11, 2005 Posted March 11, 2005 Everyone has things that they will not put up with with other people, be it dating or platonic. In the technical sense, it is controlling, but, it really depends on circumstances and how you convey the message. I for one am not a drug user, but if my SO is using drugs on a regular basis, then that is going to bother me. I set these boundries early in the relationship if that's the case, and inform them that I was a big druggie when I was younger, i.e., in high school, and had more than my fair share of problems, and buried a few friends because of drugs as well. Pretty much come clean about my past. For example, my ex-gf was a "pothead" but I never would have guessed until she told me about it (she's a classy dresser, college educated, in grad school, and very goal-oriented). She said she pretty much smokes pot everyday, and her ex-boyfriend who was a dealer got her started on it, and she never gave it up. I told her that it doesn't bother me while in the early stages of getting to know one another, but with time if she's high around me all the time or telling me stories about when her and whoever got high, it will bother me because I'm not like that, so I would just rather not know. If you smoke pot like once or twice a month, then I find that to be acceptable at my age (24), i.e., something I can tolerate. But come on, by 24 if you're smoking pot everyday then you have some serious issues going on, even if you very well may be functional with work, school, bills, etc. My case may be an extreme example, but I know that it's not something I want to put up with. A "dealbreaker" if you may. And at the same time, it's a very big thing to not have in common if one of the parties is a big drinker or druggie. My ex-gf very well may have thought of me as being "controlling," who knows, but, if you and you're SO are close, you will tell them if you see it becoming a problem, just like you would a friend. You care about the other person, and you are allowed to express how you think or feel about the matter, and if it can't be worked out, then you just need to find someone that you are more compatible with. If you can't stand smokers, then don't even get involved with a smoker, because it will come up as an issue as the non-smoker wants the smoker to quit. Sure, they are looking out for there well-being because they genuinely care about the other person, but, some will look at it as controlling. Same goes for people that use drugs on a regular basis, or drink quite a bit. If alcohol or drug use is in moderation, and if you can't deal with that, then either you'll have to change that aspect about yourself and realize that I can't/won't/don't do this for whatever reason(s) but not everybody out there is like me, or, you'll just have to look a little harder for someone that is more like you in that aspect. In any event, nobody will give up drugs, alcohol, smoking, etc, for anybody else. They may, but it will be very short-lived. You have to want to do it for yourself.
Author xxxImaginaryloverxxx Posted March 22, 2005 Author Posted March 22, 2005 its not ciggaretts people...
Moose Posted March 22, 2005 Posted March 22, 2005 Originally posted by xxxImaginaryloverxxx its not ciggaretts people... It doesn't matter what it is......people! You can't tell someone to change. It won't happen, get over it, if you don't like it, leave. Period.
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