Hating your ex? Is it healthy? A step in recovery?

[tim_tom]

I am 1 month post BU and have developed such a strong hate for this person. I am not a hateful person by nature, in fact, I don't like even saying the word and have rarely used it towards another human being in my past. But with her, I only hope for bad things to happen to her.

 

It feels better then pining for them or wishing I can get them back, but it doesn't feel healthy.. at all. I am still consumed with her, I think about her constantly, remember the constant promises she made that she didn't keep. Used to make me promise we'd be together forever nearly every day, even right up till the end. Now I interpret it as a manifestation of her insecurity and view the whole relationship as 1 big lie. Or... when did it start becoming a lie? How do you go through the process of deciding to break up but still say these things right up to the end? Be (seemingly) happily making wedding plans 4 days before BU?

 

I feel like I'll never be able to trust someone again and I hate her for it. Like I've been broken beyond repair and just want to give up.

 

Anyway, just curious if this is part of the process. This is my first heartbreak and I'm honestly stunned by how difficult this is. Missing her isn't my issue lately, it's trust/security and how i might ever get that back again.

[doeblin]

Your break up was not so long ago. Anger is completely normal at this stage. Getting over a breakup is a kind of mourning, and many psychologists observed anger to be a part of this process.

 

Stick to no contact!

 

If you start doing your own thing, and maybe date some other girls, you will eventually get to the stage of acceptance/indifference.

 

Read other threads on the forum, read the stickies, use this thread to vent your feelings.

 

 

Be strong.

[mightycpa]

If I may:

 

1) Is it healthy? Not if you're wishing that bad things happen to her, which I guess is a response to this bad thing happening to you. You want her to know what she's done to you. Let that anger out. I doubt you actually hate her.

 

2) I'm sure the whole relationship was not one big lie. That is irrational. Nobody would go that far, even if you deserved it.

 

3) If you read enough of the older forum stories, you'll see your experience in them. Frequently, the statements of love and devotion actually increase right before the end. I have a theory about this. The doubts set in. They are unwelcome thoughts, because nobody wants to feel like they are falling out of love. I think most people fight it, they feel guilty, they think they can beat it, and they try to talk themselves out of it. But eventually, it overwhelms them, and they become resigned to the fact that they no longer feel the way they used to.

 

During this entire time, it is the rare bird that will own up to these doubts with their SO. Most will struggle with this silently, because the subject is too hurtful. Then, when no options are left, they drop the bomb. Generally, they do so clumsily and hurtfully. They never tell about their part of the struggle, or how these feelings have grown over time.

 

4) You'll never be able to trust again? Sure you will, and if you don't, that's on you. This wasn't done to you purposefully, or out of spite. In fact, it wasn't done TO YOU at all. You were just the person most hurt by what happened.

 

5) You should give up for now. Surrender to the pain, to the anger, to all of the negative stuff. Feel every bit of it, and let it out of your system. Don't run from it, and don't think you can't handle the pain. You can. Your brain is going nuts right now.

 

6) You also probably need to work through it. I wrote a lot to try to understand things better. I ended up getting to know myself better, and seeing the relationship in a way I hadn't seen it before. I exposed my faults and her faults that I hadn't paid much attention to. I was able to see things in me I didn't like. I saw the benefits in the new reality. It took time, but airing the story out over and over again helped me get through it. I even started to see things I didn't like about her, and I wondered how long it would take before I might have gotten sick of her.

 

7) Lastly, I noticed that my thinking was directed towards the past, and not to the present. I loved our love, and I wanted it back. Subconsciously, I was trying to change what had already occurred. I had to change my thinking pattern, and the only way I could do it was to look for what i could have done to change the outcome. I couldn't. Every road led to an end. It was instructive and cathartic.

 

Eventually, you'll get sick of feeling this way, and you'll begin to do things differently. I also began running, like jogging. I got up to 40 miles / week. I learned later that this releases brain chemicals that counteract the breakup brain chemicals you're feeling right now. It helped, and I found that I could think while I ran, but I wasn't sad like when I just moped around.

 

It is a little more than you've asked here, but I hope it helps you. It is extremely difficult, and it will be for quite a while. You'll get through it, and hopefully, you can get through that hate feeling quickly.

 

Good luck, and good night.

[dntl841]

I think that is a good route.

 

But think of it this way. They don't want you and when they say they care about you its just to soften the blow.

 

I think it is a great way to deal with it until you become indifferent. I wish I was there and I pretty much was until the idiot contacted me.

[somedude81]

I don't know if hating your ex is healthy but it certainly is normal.

 

It's super easy to switch feelings from love to hate when things go bad. Both are extreme emotions.

 

For the entire nine months post breakup, I've both hated and loved my ex.

[tim_tom]

Your break up was not so long ago. Anger is completely normal at this stage. Getting over a breakup is a kind of mourning, and many psychologists observed anger to be a part of this process.

 

Stick to no contact!

 

If you start doing your own thing, and maybe date some other girls, you will eventually get to the stage of acceptance/indifference.

 

Read other threads on the forum, read the stickies, use this thread to vent your feelings.

 

 

Be strong.

 

Thank you kindly for taking the time to respond and help. Reading this forum and getting advice from you folks that have walked the walked has helped so much.

[tim_tom]

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond and help!

 

If I may:

 

1) Is it healthy? Not if you're wishing that bad things happen to her, which I guess is a response to this bad thing happening to you. You want her to know what she's done to you. Let that anger out. I doubt you actually hate her.

 

 

It doesn't feel healthy, but it feels better then pining.. So i guess it's progress

 

2) I'm sure the whole relationship was not one big lie. That is irrational. Nobody would go that far, even if you deserved it.

 

Not that the relationship was a lie, I'm sure she had feelings. What I am questioning is the intensity of the feelings. Talking about getting married, talking about me being the love of her life and never having feelings like this for anyone before. Making me promise we'd be together forever every day. I really believed her that she felt this way, and I don't necessarily understand how quickly you go from that to so cold.

 

3) If you read enough of the older forum stories, you'll see your experience in them. Frequently, the statements of love and devotion actually increase right before the end. I have a theory about this. The doubts set in. They are unwelcome thoughts, because nobody wants to feel like they are falling out of love. I think most people fight it, they feel guilty, they think they can beat it, and they try to talk themselves out of it. But eventually, it overwhelms them, and they become resigned to the fact that they no longer feel the way they used to.

 

During this entire time, it is the rare bird that will own up to these doubts with their SO. Most will struggle with this silently, because the subject is too hurtful. Then, when no options are left, they drop the bomb. Generally, they do so clumsily and hurtfully. They never tell about their part of the struggle, or how these feelings have grown over time.

 

Interesting take. ****ty to go through though. The thing is I noticed her change to be shorter and quicker to anger then ever before. I felt it, but couldn't stand it.. But maybe I was being naive and believed it was just stress with a new change after a period of adjustment, that our love was unbreakable. (Long story short, she encouraged me to take a big promotion at work that lead to less time together, significantly more stress, work and travel for me.. i was hesitant) When she started giving me a hard time on top of it, I didn't respond as well as I could've - i withdrew and drank a bunch more rather then fight about. I regret that so much now, but when it first started happening, I did try and talk about it there would be huge blow ups.. she's the type that can't accept any fault for anything.. everything was my fault and on top of it I was under it at work. So, i just took her abuse silently and hoped she'd work it out, as long as all the other stuff was happening (devotions of love, urging to go look at rings.. etc..), I felt like it would pass..

 

4) You'll never be able to trust again? Sure you will, and if you don't, that's on you. This wasn't done to you purposefully, or out of spite. In fact, it wasn't done TO YOU at all. You were just the person most hurt by what happened.

I am 39, and divorced 1x (my ex wife was cold and bipolar). Not since I was a teenager did I feel like someone loved me or was devoted to me anywhere close to this. All the promises of forever, wedding plans, proclamations of true love, soulmates and meant to be... meant nothing in the end. How could i believe it if someone tells me these things again

 

I've come to realize that a lot of this "devotion" was controlling behavior on her part. She was soo insecure, and like an idiot, I believed it was cause of the intensity of her feelings for me and only me (that's what she said, afterall).. she couldn't handle me being away from her, or even chatting with females I worked with over skype. She got mad anytime my favorite band was on because I had seen them in concert with my ex wife, mad if a bartender or waitress smiled at me, couldn't handle me going out with male friends, mad when we were at my brothers wedding in June and a girl was attracted to me (i told the girl I had a gf right away and didn't talk to her more then a couple minutes, it was just the mere idea that there was someone around that was a bit interested).. that kinds of stuff and more, all terribly unhealthy... all interpreted by me as a sign of intense love.

 

6) You also probably need to work through it. I wrote a lot to try to understand things better. I ended up getting to know myself better, and seeing the relationship in a way I hadn't seen it before. I exposed my faults and her faults that I hadn't paid much attention to. I was able to see things in me I didn't like. I saw the benefits in the new reality. It took time, but airing the story out over and over again helped me get through it. I even started to see things I didn't like about her, and I wondered how long it would take before I might have gotten sick of her.

Yes, this process is hard. I know I made mistakes, most specifically my response to the job change and her change. It's very painful to accept these things, the thought that this was salvageable is what consumes me. I don't think I will ever forgive myself for this. I couldn't fix it on my own and suggested couples counselling once but she blew up at the thought that i was saying she was crazy. I feel it could've worked though and maybe if I had more patience with her. Maybe if I didn't withdraw and instead showered her with love and affection, didn't get mad in return thinking to myself.. "hey I'm supporting you financially, I am stressed at the job and you are treating me like **** on top of it??" .. I dunno.. I guess it's easier on the psyche to try and blame her, but deep down I take most of the blame and I hate myself for it. (maybe my hate is deflection?)

 

7) Lastly, I noticed that my thinking was directed towards the past, and not to the present. I loved our love, and I wanted it back. Subconsciously, I was trying to change what had already occurred. I had to change my thinking pattern, and the only way I could do it was to look for what i could have done to change the outcome. I couldn't. Every road led to an end. It was instructive and cathartic.

This is what a good female friend has been telling me, that it was doomed no matter what. That anyone who is that smothering and controlling has some deep seeded issues. Which is why I question the whole relationship. That i wasn't happy either (I wasn't) She said it was a rebound from my ex wife. (now divorced 3 years), as this girl was the opposite and I jumped two feet in (ex wife was cold and made me feel like I was only around as a convenience to her, ex gf was usually warm and made me feel like she couldn't breath without me)

 

Eventually, you'll get sick of feeling this way, and you'll begin to do things differently. I also began running, like jogging. I got up to 40 miles / week. I learned later that this releases brain chemicals that counteract the breakup brain chemicals you're feeling right now. It helped, and I found that I could think while I ran, but I wasn't sad like when I just moped around.

 

It is a little more than you've asked here, but I hope it helps you. It is extremely difficult, and it will be for quite a while. You'll get through it, and hopefully, you can get through that hate feeling quickly.

 

Good luck, and good night.

 

Thanks again for taking the time to respond at such length. This forum and you folks are a godsend. Right now i have no time or energy for the gym, my new job is still taxing, and I also have children that I need to tend who just started school (they are with me part time in summer, and full time in school year). As i told my ex in June when I took the job, I can't do it without her and didn't think I should take it as it would be putting too much on her with the kids, especially when school starts. She assured me this was good for us and that she was never going anywhere (she wasn't working by now, I was fully supporting her). Now she did and my life in unmanageable.

[tim_tom]

I don't know if hating your ex is healthy but it certainly is normal.

 

It's super easy to switch feelings from love to hate when things go bad. Both are extreme emotions.

 

For the entire nine months post breakup, I've both hated and loved my ex.

 

Ugh, i really can't imagine 8 more months of this. I just want it to be over. I feel so unhinged; switching from ok to sad to angry to good to plotting win her back schemes.. all within a few hours sometimes. It's too much to take, not knowing what my mood will be from one minute to the next

 

Thank you for taking the time to respond and sharing your experiences with me.

[BC1980]

The goal is indifference. Then, you will be free. It's normal to hate, but you can't do it forever. It's emotionally exhausting.

[Elle1975]

I feel like hating an ex is time spent thinking about them, not much better than just spending time missing them. As long as it steers you into the right direction, as in forgetting about them for good, I don't think it's unhealthy.

 

It becomes unhealthy if you spend too much time in this phase.

[Bella2]

Ugh, i really can't imagine 8 more months of this. I just want it to be over. It's too much to take, not knowing what my mood will be from one minute to the next

 

It might not really help you, but I'm right there with you. I'm at work now (more on LS than actually working I think), feeling exhausted, headache and I'm so fed up with it!!!! Trying to influence my thinking with positive thoughts, trying trying trying... Sometimes I feel better for a couple of minutes, and then: BOOM, back to feeling miserable.

 

Like you, I just wanna push a button and make it all stop. But as we know, that is not possible and we have to sit through it. And as everybody keeps telling us: There Is Light At The End Of The Tunnel (we have to hold on to that).

[True Gent]

There have been some excellent responses in this thread so far.

 

I'd just like to add my bit, feeling extreme anger and hatred towards your ex at this very early stage is completely normal right now. If you still hate her strongly 12 months or so from now, then you could perhaps say that was unhealthy because it will consume you and it will actually spoil your life to hold such negativity inside of you.

 

The anger will subside it takes a long time to do so, but it will eventually. I'm at around 11 months I think it is now and I'm not angry or hateful anymore, but I am certainly not indifferent yet. I resent what she did and at this stage I cannot help feeling that way. It may take a couple of years to truly reach indifference, but hey! It's not a sprint this is a marathon, it's more healthy to process your emotions and feel the pain in a decent time span so you can fully analyse the whole relationship and what went wrong. You can't just flick a switch and feel fine, you have to repair yourself after a significant relationship which no doubt took years to build.

 

You need to heal properly to feel love and be able to trust again, this is your time now. Breakups really take everything out of you, especially when your life has revolved around thinking of 'them' or 'us'. You have to adjust your mindset and start thinking about 'you'. Just feel it and process it all, most of all take your time. We all feel jaded at some point, in time it will get easier and one day this will all just be a part of your past.