Is she in a rebound? Or is this real? I really love her and want her back (updated)

[Tyler F]

So the background to everything. Me I'm 22 and my ex she's 19 almost 20 started off as coworkers 3 years ago and we slowly grew into becoming best friends and then eventually lovers and dated 2 and a half years. This wasn't a first relationship for either one of us but it was definitely both our most mature by far and we grew to be so close. Especially establishing our relationship off of our perspective of the world and strong friendship. I have never been mentally on the same level as anyone else in my entire life and I'm pretty sure she feels the same way. Anyways like any relationship we had our highs and our lows but we never doubted out love for one another.

 

She even went off to school for a few months while we were dating and We mad an effort to grow from it by seeing each other every week even though it was a grueling 5 hour drive. And that made us stronger than ever. I had my mind set on marrying this girl even though I may have not vocalized that to her as much as I should've. But I guess as of a couple months ago she started to not feel as connected with me and passionate with me anymore and I didn't pick up on those signs. And one weekend about a month and a half ago things changed, she didn't want to see me or talk to me anymore. She told me things weren't working and that she couldn't see us having a future together. Hearing these things drove me crazy and turned me into an emotional train wreck doing all the rookie mistakes on how to not get a girlfriend back.

 

A couple weeks into the breakup we established that we still wanted to be friends because of how strong connection with each other and similar our personalities were. But a week after trying to be friends she dropped the bomb on me that she was seeing somebody else. Which drove me crazy. I didn't understand why because in my head we were perfect but she had other plans obviously. And the thing with him is that they were friends while we were dating but nothing close, and they shared a few common interests like fishing but other than that she told immediately after we broke up and before she started dating him that she could never see herself being more than friends with him because he was kind of "stupid" and she felt like she couldn't get into deep conversations with him the way she could with me and that that was a deal breaker. Anyways a week after she told me about them I was still no where in the mental state to be friends and I was saying and doing all the wrong things to win her back.

 

As a desperate last minute move I asked if she ever wanted to be friends with benefits. Since then she told me that she doesn't want to be with me and everything I've done this past month and a half has proved that to her and that she doesn't even want to be friends. I feel terrible about the whole situation and have pretty much left her alone for a week and half to two weeks now. I really want to rekindle our friendship and hope to be able to form a newer better relationship with her someday and was wondering if you had any input on the situation.

 

Since we haven't been talking I've been trying to work on myself and my future while still trying to have as much fun as possible with friends. I feel like there are things within myself that I need to fix in order for this to work again and if we do get back together I don't want it to be because I am desperate to and feel like I need her, I want it to be because I truly believe she is the one for me. And also what you thought about this other guy, is he a rebound dating for only dating after being broken up less than a month and they couldn't connect on an intellectual level like me and her could or is he really something special since they share similar interests and hobbies that me and her didn't always do together?

 

Also the other day she randomly hit me up after not initiating contact for more than 2 weeks and this was just about something random, do you think she misses me and wanted to talk or was just bored? We texted a few messages back and forth and she seemed like she was getting deeper into the conversation then I cut it off on her and told her I would love to catch up but am busy and I'll text you later. This was 3 days ago and I have yet to text her back.

 

Any input would be greatly appreciated:)

Edited September 9, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[mightycpa]

I think she just likes to watch train wrecks, and wants to see if she can cause another one.

 

How many times will you go for the bait?

[Strength in Healing]

Since then she told me that she doesn't want to be with me and everything I've done this past month and a half has proved that to her and that she doesn't even want to be friends.

 

 

TRUST ME, good riddance to this dirty swine. Count your lucky stars, someone is looking out for you. Never speak to this creature again. Hopefully she will wither off in some corner and leave you alone.

[Tyler F]

Easier said than done though. She was my best friend before we even started dating and she even said she always wants me in her life and can possibly see us getting back together someday. It makes me feel even more pathetic thinking about that but it's hard when you love someone so much

[mightycpa]

It's hard, huh? I guess more than 505K posts in over 50K threads about breaking up says you're right.

 

Time to be strong.

[Tyler F]

Anyone have any incite on whether this guy is a rebound or not? To add they were friends while we were dating but hardly ever saw each other. Me and her were together pretty much everyday. We always had a lot of trust with one another. He lives an hour away from her too. I just don't understand how she can go from saying he is stupid and can't see her and him anymore than friends to dating him the next

[Magnet]

You'll never know.

If you really want to know, you could wait until their relationship finishes- if it does, even.

 

Could take 3 weeks, 3 months or 30 years.

 

Do you really want to monitor the situation? Or do you want to start living for yourself?

[SoThatHappened]

Hate to break it to you, but she was either physically cheating on you with him or emotionally cheating on you with him. I'd bet my paycheck on it.

 

You got cheated on, dude.

 

Then you got strung along.

 

It's not a rebound relationship, she would have had to breakup with you BEFORE starting a relationship with him. She didn't do it that way.

 

She also sounds very similar to my ex, in that she always has a guy to fall on before she gets out of her current relationship.

 

She's trying to keep you in the wings in case it doesn't work out with him. If you allow her to do that, she'll keep destroying your heart, over and over.

 

Trust me, her relationship with the other guy will not last, but you need to NOT be around when they breakup.

 

You don't need this girl in your life. I'd highly recommend trying to find another job if at all possible. Cut that tumor out of your life.

[Tyler F]

There is a part of me that wants her to realize how good we had it and have her come back. I have never been happier in my life then I was with her. And I just can't get over it.

[lauri]

There is a part of me that wants her to realize how good we had it and have her come back. I have never been happier in my life then I was with her. And I just can't get over it.

 

She will realize it man..only if you stay NC. The problem is though, why would you want to get back with someone who cheated on you?

 

The most important thing about a woman is loyalty. Loyalty is everything - she's clearly shown she isn't. All you can do is move on from this...I know it hurt, and o know the love was so raw and real...but you cannot take back her actions. She ruined everything and its her fault not yours.

 

She's young and so are you. You're going to meet some pretty amazing people moving forward in your life...I think that this relationship is only something you can learn from and grow.

[Tyler F]

In all honestly I really don't believe she cheated on me. We were attached by the hip and were with each other every single day. Trust was never an issue with us. I think she may have just been unhappy with the way things were or wanted to see what else was out there since she is still young and this was the first guy there for her after she left me. I believe she does have dependency issues because she has hardly been single since the time she was 12. But cheating is not her, she always had better standards then that

[lauri]

Tyler, I doubt she physically cheated on you. But in all honesty, that guy was in the picture before you even knew it and I am almost positive she was emotionally cheating on you. A lot of people do not view emotional cheating as cheating, but in my opinion, if my girlfriend is talking to a guy behind my back, while she is starting to develop feeling for him, I consider that cheating.

 

Being attached by the hip does not necessarily mean its a good thing. That means she doesn't get her space and time to miss you. My ex girlfriend and I had no trust issues, but that all changed after she broke up with me. Slowly over time I started to learn about little things she hid from me and how she ended up with a guy she would talk to, emotionally, behind my back before breaking up.

 

Look maybe I'm wrong, maybe she didn't speak to this guy behind your back. Maybe he did just magically appear shortly after you broke up and she gained enough trust in that short time period to start to date him. I'm just saying that from my experience and through reading a lot of other peoples experience on LS, a large portion of the time there is a guy there that she is leaving you for that she has been talking to for a while.

 

Considering your ex is dependent, I think it is highly unlikely she would leave you without having another guy to move onto immediately.

[SoThatHappened]

I believe she does have dependency issues because she has hardly been single since the time she was 12. But cheating is not her, she always had better standards then that

 

What lauri said.

 

Also, you may believe that she didn't physically cheat on you, and you may be right. However, a dollar to a donut this guy was in the background while you were still with her.

 

Let me tell you a story of a girl I know similar to your ex. Let's call her Satan, for all intents and purposes.

 

She was never single. For years she was a vine swinger, jumping on one Richard after another, leaving a wake of destruction in her path.

 

The last guy she was with was a great guy. I would argue he's the best guy in the world. Guess what? She still cheated on him when she was "in love" and had absolutely no reason to stray.

 

The moral of the story is, women like your ex (and Satan) will stray no matter what the reasons are, and you're naive to think she wasn't in contact with this guy before she left you.

 

If you can understand that, it will give you more reason to look down on her and realize she is beneath you. That will help you move on.

 

Run for the hills buddy.

[Tyler F]

Hey so me and my ex have been broken up for a month and a half now and I guess I just needed some final closure on our relationship so I can better cope and move on. We texted a lot when the break up first happened but have basically gone NC/LC for the past 2-3 weeks although we did text for half the work day yesterday. My question to you is since I like I need to talk to her for that final closure for myself would it be a better idea to just call her out of the blue tonight? Or text her asking if she can talk later or meet up and talk? We didn't end on bad terms initially but after a month of me being needy and begging to get back together it really did a number on our friendship and thus the NC/LC.

[Zahara]

Don't text. Don't call. Don't meet.

 

Ending with you is your closure.

 

There is no friendship. You need to go NC and start accepting the finality of this relationship.

[evanescentworld]

There is an excellent No Contact Guide at the top of the 'breaking up' forum index.

I suggest you read it, because it emphasises precisely just what Zahara here, said above.

Closure never comes from an ex.

YOU generate your own closure, and you have to do that on your own.

Read the guide.

[Tyler F]

Well we didn't end on bad terms but it eventually got worse. She was my friend before we started dating and there may always be a possibility of us getting back together in the future but first we need to both mature on our own. I don't feel right about the way things ended eventually and I feel as if in order for myself to move past the feelings I'm facing right now there needs to be some sort of conversation about it. I have too much respect for her

[evanescentworld]

This says absolutely nothing to negate the advice you have received. I say again: Read the NC Guide.

The dynamics of your friendship irreversibly altered when you two became an item. You moved on from Friendship to sexually-active partners (presumably) and as such, "all previous bets are off".

 

Respect for her has nothing to do with it.

If she broke up with you, this is precisely like any other dumper/dumpee situation, and you should accept it as such.

You are not the exception that proves the rule.

 

in order for myself to move past the feelings I'm facing right now there needs to be some sort of conversation about it. I have too much respect for her

 

What you think, and what she thinks are obviously two completely different things. If she felt as you do, I'm sure she would have been in touch to clarify and gain/give closure, and end things on the 'good note' you think is needed.

The respect you have for her is not reciprocated, you need to accept and understand that.

There is no need to have any conversation.

 

This is merely you telling yourself this, in order to re-establish contact, which is in any and all cases, a very bad idea.

[Zahara]

Well we didn't end on bad terms but it eventually got worse. She was my friend before we started dating and there may always be a possibility of us getting back together in the future but first we need to both mature on our own. I don't feel right about the way things ended eventually and I feel as if in order for myself to move past the feelings I'm facing right now there needs to be some sort of conversation about it. I have too much respect for her

 

She WAS your friend before she became your girlfriend. The dynamics of that friendship changed when you transitioned into a relationship.

 

The possibility of getting back together isn't realistic or something you should hold onto. And if she dumped you, she should be the one chasing to win you back. Until that happens, you keep NC. You don't know what can happen a day from now, a month from now, a year from now. And if you both need to mature on your own, then cut contact and start working on yourself.

 

This isn't about respect. This is about you trying to reignite contact because you're afraid she's slowly slipping away. You're in panic mode and finding ways to justify contact.

[redbaron005]

I don't feel right about the way things ended eventually and I feel as if in order for myself to move past the feelings I'm facing right now there needs to be some sort of conversation about it. I have too much respect for her

 

Wait, it sounds like you're mainly concerned with how you feel. If you are genuinely concerned about how she feels, you will respect her by leaving her alone. The best thing you can do for yourself is to allow yourself not to feel right about it without telling her anything.

 

Just giving you the heads up, from someone who already made this mistake.

[Tyler F]

So me and my ex of two and a half years have been broken up 2 months now and 2-3 weeks into the breakup she started seeing someone new which eventually lead to NC between me and her and we haven't really talked for the past 3 weeks to a month but I still love her and care about her a lot.

 

 

On Monday I happened to send her a text message which was nothing more than a link to a new song by a band that she loves and she responded to that and started a conversation out of it which went really well. We went on to text for pretty much the rest of the day. And each day this week she has texted me in the morning starting conversation and I didn't really think anything of ot besides the fact that she is just being friendly or is bored at work and would like someone to talk to. The second day into texting I hesitantly asked her if she wanted to go grab a bite this week and catch up since her birthday was coming up and we hadn't seen each other in about a month and the response I received was not exactly what I had been expecting. She sounded thrilled that I asked and picked a day which was convenient for both us. She went on to telling me that she missed me and was excited to see me since it had been forever. I did not tell her missed her back even though I miss her like crazy because I don't want to seem like I am too available or that she can still have me whenever she wants me.

 

Later on in our texting conversation the subject came up that my wisdom teeth are being pulled out on Monday and she found out that I didn't have a ride home since most of my family is out of town that day or has work. She then offered to take sometime off work Monday to pick me up after my surgey and take care of me that day while I am recovering. I honestly don't have anyone else I trust enough to do that so I agreed to let her. I am not sure how I feel about this given our current relationship and the fact she is seeing someone else. It almost seems a little inappropriate to me to be taking time out of your work schedule to pick up your ex and take care of him while you are dating someone else. But at the same time I see it as a possible step to help bring is closer because as you said when girls feel compassion and the need to take care of someone or comfort their brains produce oxytocin which is a love hormone. But I still don't know how feel about that because it can may cause complicated feelings for me, her and the other guy who probably doesn't know she offered to do that by the way because if I were him I would not be ok with that.

 

Another day goes by with us texting most of the day and we both seem to be doing really well in our lives and making big steps towards our future goals which is awesome. She was giving me lots of advice for my future but the advice she giving was as if it partially pertained to her.

 

Anyways it is now yesterday and we are about to meet up for dinner and I am pretty nervous and antsy at the sametime because it had been forever. I'm sure she felt similar emotions. We met up and drove to get food. It was a little awkward at first just because sometimes when you haven't seen someone in a while you seem distant from them but we both eventually warmed up to eachother and had some great conversations about literally everything. She seemed really invested in it and kept complimenting me saying I look good and I look like I lost a lot of weight. But I never returned any of the compliments because like I said above I didn't want to seem too available to her, at least not right now. But I kind of feel a little bad right now for not doing so. Somewhere deep into conversation we started talking about a tv show we watched together and I told her I had watched a whole season without her, because honestly I thought she really moved on and had done the same. It turns out she hadn't and she seemed extremely hurt that I did that. She lost her appetite and was pretty quiet for a few minutes. I felt bad but at the same time a month ago she told me we could to be friends and can't really expecting to wait for things to get better between us so we can watch a show together. I'm not sure what exactly her intentions were with that. Then later on in the conversation I remembered that coincidentally we went and ate the exact same thing exactly a year ago on the date and told her that I remember that so vividly because it was our last night together before she left for school a few hours away. She got quiet again and it seemed like her eyes wearing tearing up a little. I guess it also turns out that she was PMSing which could've affected those strong emotions. We then went to the grocery store to get me food to eat after my surgery and the rest of the evening went really well. I gave her a small gift and we hugged and both went on our ways.

 

I guess my questions were

 

What do you make of her reactions to the two specific situations at dinner? Do you think the break up is starting to hit her? And does her texting me everyday mean anything?

 

Should I have been nicer and complimented her back and told her missed her?

 

Does her going out of her way to help me out with my surgery mean anything more than a friend doing a friend a favor?

 

Where should I go from here? I really love her and can see a future between us but there would obviously need to be changes on both peoples end for this to work and it would be a long process. Should I keep contacting her or just let it be for a little

[Tyler F]

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