Eddy Street Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 (edited) So I haven't been totally honest about my troubles in online dating, I over-dramatized it a bit. I have gotten a few replies from people: homely women with no social interaction outside of work and family who live in the middle of nowhere. One member, in particular, actually went on two dates with me. Okay, I should be ecstatic, but the situation is sort of strange. First of all, she is strictly looking for a friendship that could possibly turn into something more. Right now we are "friends" but the door is open, at least in theory, to something romantic. And second of all: She lives with her brother and her ex boyfriend. Her ex boyfriend is a "really good friend" of hers. They have been good friends for over a decade and have dated during that time about 4 times, the longest being for two and a half years straight. Okay, no big deal, but she really wants me to meet both her brother and her ex boyfriend. That's sort of strange. If I was her ex, I'd have an incredibly difficult time keeping an open mind about any guy my ex lover was seeing, whether it was explicitly romantic or not. I'm a bit suspicious. It might not be awkward for me, since I'm a city guy, but it would certainly be awkward for the guy she used to date. Besides, I have nothing in common with them except for her, and I'm not entirely sure I even like her (on any level) at this point. I have absolutely no business talking to her brother and her ex. What could be going on here? There's always that possibility that he'll try to kill me, right? The point is, I don't want to meet these people until I trust her. Until we've been friends for at least a few months or more. Am I over-reacting here or is this suspicion warranted? How can I tell her that I am not comfortable meeting her ex YET without sounding like I don't trust her, or that I'm suspicious of "her kind" or infinitely worse, like I'm afraid of him? Please help! Edited September 8, 2014 by Eddy Street
todreaminblue Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 (edited) My ex boyfriend lives with me, i have not been with him or dated him in twenty odd years......he doesn't have any other family than my family ......i actually had another fiancee that lasted for fifteen years after this ex.....and i am friends with him too...he just doesnt live here..... it isnt a normal situation and one thing i do is introduce dates to him....our relationship is purely platonic......in fact he is like a brother.....my girls introduce him to their friends like family......as do I...my mentally impaired son is likely to blurt out yeah they used to be together but now they are not......straight forward is my son...... i think my ex might be finally finding god......not at my church...unfortunately.....but a church that his volunteer work colleague goes too....he has found a man who lives by christian principals......and my ex has had the roughest life due to men disgustingly named christian brothers...... living by so called christian"principals" and has developed wicked addictions.......most of the guys who were in the orphanage with him are now deceased...overdoses alcoholism suicides...they couldnt handle what was done to them,my ex is a survivor....and one reason i believe my ex is still kicking is my family and me......the other reason is he is a massive survivor......sometimes i feel even more than me.....as i at least had good food to eat growing up and parents who loved me.....god is on his side......i have always told him that fact and maybe for the first time it might be getting through...he used to say what has god done for me god doesnt care......god isnt real...has said that for years....... one day i will write his story for him......he is a work in progress by gods hands......trying to reach his heart..... when i read about a woman who lives with her ex i can only think if she wants to introduce you that it is an innocent relationship......mainly because mine with my ex is that way.......i dont like to hide any facts or relationships i have from any date....and i am likely to inform them early before they meet him at my house.......i feel if you feel uncomfortable with this you need to be honest......and find out how far you want to take the relationship based on what you find out.....from the ex and from her.......if she has dated him four or more times in a two year period on and off sort of thing it could every well be a problem....but then it could be the same as my relationship with my ex and be platonic.......clarify anything you arent comfortable with and i wish you well.....deb Edited September 8, 2014 by todreaminblue
angel.eyes Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 "I would like to focus on getting to know you first on our dates. Later on, I'm happy to meet your family and friends." That's all you need to say. Yes, it's unusual. Maybe I'm overly cautious, but I wouldn't date a guy living with an ex. It generally doesn't go well for the new person coming into the mix. 2
StanMusial Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 Well when you're fishing and you catch one, if it's not suitable you just throw it back in the river. How much do you like this girl? You don't have much invested, so it should be easy to move on. I have met girls in the past who lived with exes, I moved on immediately. I usually found out before Date 1 but with OLD that may not happen.
preraph Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 Tell her it's way too soon and you won't be meeting friends/family until and unless you've been together a few months. That's nuts. Honestly, it sounds like her world may be very small. 1
Priv Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 Yep, totally weird. 4 relationships with the guy within the decade + living together. No way. You might as well have an affair with a divorced woman who forget to tell that part to her husband. No wait, not might as well. It is probably safer as feelings are dead. But beside that. If I could choose between waiting 2 dates and 2 years before meeting friends/family/exes I would choose the latter. But that is me
spiderowl Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 I don't think you are being funny about it. I wouldn't want to be plunged into a situation of meeting an ex, whether they were good friends or not. It sometimes happens accidentally but it's the kind of thing one might plan normally. It doesn't sound like you are keen on this woman actually. I can understand you don't know her that well enough to trust her yet. You could take your time getting to know her and tell her you are not comfortable with meeting family just yet and not her ex. If she objects, then she's pretty insensitive about it all. I think I'd feel uneasy in your situation too. I doubt they are all plotting to kill you and hide you in a shallow grave behind the barn, but it just seems a bit 'off' really. 1
D.Mc. Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 Hi, as far as living w/an "ex" whether ex-spouse or ex-bf/gf...there are a lot of complicated living situations out there. People may have invested in a house together, signed a mortage, or have a lease, whatever. When the relationship (lovers/romance) went south the paperwork & payments STILL REMAIN. If they are truly friends and the housing is suiting both or if there is a financial constraint where one would be homeless if he/she had to move...then yes, you could find yourself living with your ex-whoever (ask me how I know..). IMO it's a little too early to meet the family/ex. If finding out a potential date was in a financial bind & couldn't afford their own place is a dealbreaker for you then that's what your preference is, no problem. Some women won't date men who still live at home, some people end a promising r/s just b/c of location issues etc. Where/how a person lives is a socio-economic factor that matters in dating, no getting around it. The only time I would be suspicious of someone who told me they were still living w/their ex is if I had known them long enough to get a feel that the r/s with their living partner was "unfinished" (one still attracted to the other, suspicion of an FWB going on, outright hostility from the roommate, etc). Keep looking anyway... 1
Standard-Fare Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 "I'd like to just hang out and get to know you more before I meet your family." Then reassess after Date #6 or 7. If you get there. 1
Author Eddy Street Posted September 9, 2014 Author Posted September 9, 2014 "I'd like to just hang out and get to know you more before I meet your family." Then reassess after Date #6 or 7. If you get there. Or I'll just imply it. She told me she wanted me to see her house, meet her brother and ex, then go walking or out to eat this Friday, I conveniently have a trip planned for this weekend, I'll just tell her I'm leaving Friday instead of Saturday. Or I could just suggest something else, like maybe have her take the train down to my area or something. We actually had planned on seeing an improv show last week which we cancelled, maybe I'll tell her we should do that instead.
D.Mc. Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 One of the "code words" used in OLD profiles by men is "independent", as in "I'm looking for a strong independent woman". This lets a female reader understand that if she is a single mother dependent on alimony/child support or struggling w/5 roommates or working p/t & in debt etc...she would not be a good match with the man. It avoids the man having to come out & say: only financially secure professional women making $____a year apply. It can be used for women's profiles too...doesn't always work though, sometimes the physical desire based on the photo overrides the intelligence of the parties, messages are sent & dates are made between people who just won't work out...
spiderowl Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 One of the "code words" used in OLD profiles by men is "independent", as in "I'm looking for a strong independent woman". This lets a female reader understand that if she is a single mother dependent on alimony/child support or struggling w/5 roommates or working p/t & in debt etc...she would not be a good match with the man. It avoids the man having to come out & say: only financially secure professional women making $____a year apply. It can be used for women's profiles too...doesn't always work though, sometimes the physical desire based on the photo overrides the intelligence of the parties, messages are sent & dates are made between people who just won't work out... That might be what men mean when they use that phrase in their profiles but it actually comes across in another way too. I usually read that as meaning "I'm a mean devil and want you to have your own money so I don't have to spend anything." Any woman with or without her own resources is likely to be put off by someone who sounds mean.
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