My girlfriend [25 F] of 2 years has announced she wants to take a break

[hardchanges]

Hi guys, I'm new here. Yesterday my girlfriend of two years announced she wants a break (I'm a 25 M). This was a long time coming as she's talked about it before, but nothing went through.

 

We live in separate cities and yesterday she came to see me for a couple of hours. At the end, she stated she needs to take a break.

 

This is somewhat understandable. We met in university and she hasn't graduated yet (undergrad), and I'm graduated and working full time. She's also an international student and is getting worried about her situation. I understand this and want her to take time to work on herself.

 

However, she also stated she hasn't had the opportunity to meet new friends. I asked her what she meant by this, and she said she doesn't plan to date new people during the break and that I'm the best person to date. However, she stated guys are not willing to be her friend if I'm around (I don't like this logic at all). I should note, 3 guys have asked her out in the past month. She told them all no. However, she does like to party instead of studying, which is also a concern (i.e., for two reasons: 1) She's not studying 2) Meeting new guys )

 

Anyways, I knew she has been stressed about school and finding a job, however, I don't think we need to take a break because of it. I.e., I can work around her schedule.

 

She told me it would make her happy to still be able to see me and to talk on the phone.

 

I don't know what to make of the situation. In my mind, I understand she's stressed and needs some space, but I don't see how taking a "break" fixes anything when I'm willing to work around it.

 

I asked her about our relationship, and she said she doesn't want to "label" it now. I asked her if I should call or text her, and she said I can if I want. I asked her the length of the break, and she replied "it's just for now", which seemed vague. I texted her goodnight and good morning since, both of which she's replied too.

 

Also, last night she hid her relationship status on facebook and deleted a heart she posted on my wall (I guess I'm over thinking that, but I'll mention it anyways).

 

I'm unsure, what to make of this "break" and how I should act. It seems she still wants me in her life, so I'm not sure how much or how little space to give. We usually talk on the phone every night and see each other every weekend.

 

I feel like I should make myself available for her, but at the same time I feel like I may be a "backup" plan now.

 

All in all, I do love her and don't want to lose her.

 

 

tl;dr: Girlfriend doesn't know where she's going in school and life and wants to take a break. I understand, but think taking a "break" is too far. She still wants contact, so I'm not sure what to make of this.

[tim_tom]

Unfortunately this is the first step towards a breakup and she wants to see other people. I am very sorry to be so frank, but it seems pretty clear. Hanging on to hope will only keep you in limbo, and make it easier for her to leave. (she still has you in her back pocket)

 

You should read the NC guides on here and follow it. I just went through the same thing starting a month ago.

[mightycpa]

Unfortunately this is the first step towards a breakup and she wants to see other people. I am very sorry to be so frank, but it seems pretty clear. Hanging on to hope will only keep you in limbo, and make it easier for her to leave. (she still has you in her back pocket)

 

You should read the NC guides on here and follow it. I just went through the same thing starting a month ago.

 

Yep. One day, you'll look back on this as the beginning of the end. Every instinct you have will want to deny this, to wonder that if you escalate this break, will you be cutting your own throat....

 

The answer is that you will merely cut out all of the middle, and get to the end on your own terms.

 

If you don't want to break it off completely without talking to her, imagine the worst things she could do in your mind:

 

1) go out with other guys

2) sleep with them

3) not contact you regularly

4) stop saying she loves you

5) etc.

 

Then ask her about some specifics:

 

Matilda, can we:

 

1) go out with other people?

2) have sex with whoever we want?

3) drop the habit of regular and constant contact?

4) stop telling each other "I love you"

5) etc.

Then ask yourself, "how would a person who actually does love me answer those questions?"

 

Then, take her answers and compare. That will tell you everything you need to know, if you'll only listen.

 

Most people don't until it hits them square in the face.

[evanescentworld]

Harsh lesson #101: There is no such thing as 'a break'.

 

If she wants a break, it's tantamount to 'this isn't working, I need to extricate myself from this, and I'm easing myself out gently so as to dissipate the guilt of ending it and dumping you, goodbye.'

 

If someone requests a break, you know they definitely mean it's a break, when they offer a finite period of time of No Contact, a promise to not see, date or even go out with anyone else, at all, and a date and venue of when/where to meet up again and go over what the head has cleared up in the meantime.

 

leaving it vague with not a great deal more than 'I need a break' is really a gentle way of telling you that basically you're single again....

[Strength in Healing]

Yeah, most break ups = vine swinging, especially when you can't really justify their reasons.

 

Think of the worst things you can about her, and make them a priority in your mind. Hopefully it'll help bring you to anger, and anger bring you to acceptance... and good riddance.

[Chi townD]

Sorry dude, but I'm not going to pull punches here.

 

 

Taking a Break= breaking up. Don't kid yourself. That fact should have been made plain to you when she wouldn't give you a timeframe and she vented her frustration at you that she couldn't say "yes" to those guys that asked her to date. And that's the thing. She WANTED to say "yes" but couldn't because of you. That's how much of a value she's putting on you and your relationship. It was like, she was trying to blame YOU for her lack of friends! She could have talked to me! I could have given her a better excuse than that!

 

Why does she want to keep in contact with you? Because you're the back up plan! You said it yourself! She wants to keep you on the leash while she goes off and plays. But, when she discovers that most college guys just want to hit it and quit it, she come back saying, "Okay! Breaks over! I love you again!!" How convenient! And if you find out she screwed these three guys, "Well...you can't get mad because we weren't together when that happened! It was none of your business what I did while on the break because WE WEREN"T TOGETHER! It's not my fault you didn't date!" Don't you love technicalities?

 

 

You need to go no contact on her. (NC). Do not text her, do not call her, do not email her. If she calls, let it go to voicemail. If she texts, ignore it! Post here instead. People will talk you through this. If she email's you, ignore it!

 

 

Most important thing for you to do, you need to block her on Facebook and unfollow her on social media.

 

 

She needs to see what life is going to be like without you in it. Hell, do it as an experiment! Block her on Facebook and see how long it takes her to actually notice that you did, indeed, blocked her.

[veggirl]

don't be friends with her or stay in touch with her. she WILL be dating other guys, she'll be sleeping with them too. go NC. she wants a break, give it to her, disappear. you aren't her whipping boy and she has NO RIGHT to tell you "yeah no" but then keep you around for when its convenient for HER.

 

you should NOT make yourself available to her, at all!

[tim_tom]

Feel really bad for this guy. I remember when I was thinking the same thing and didn't want to believe all that i was reading here. It's very easy to convince yourself that your situation is different, but the more of these threads you read, the more you see it's all the same with only minor variations.

[hardchanges]

Unfortunately this is the first step towards a breakup and she wants to see other people. I am very sorry to be so frank, but it seems pretty clear. Hanging on to hope will only keep you in limbo, and make it easier for her to leave. (she still has you in her back pocket)

 

You should read the NC guides on here and follow it. I just went through the same thing starting a month ago.

 

This is the way I've been feeling about the situation. However, what in the back of my mind has been giving me hope is two things she said:

1) She doesn't plan on dating other people

2) She stated she thinks some distance will be good

 

But of course, it's probably just my mind trying to rationalize things. But overall, yeah, I do feel like I'm in limbo. Especially since I haven't met any of her new friends over the past few months, especially her "guy friends".

[evanescentworld]

This is the way I've been feeling about the situation. However, what in the back of my mind has been giving me hope is two things she said:

1) She doesn't plan on dating other people

... while she's still with you, because that makes it cheating....

 

2) She stated she thinks some distance will be good

....because then you can't ask awkward questions or watch what she's doing....

 

But of course, it's probably just my mind trying to rationalize things.

Got it in one....

 

But overall, yeah, I do feel like I'm in limbo. Especially since I haven't met any of her new friends over the past few months, especially her "guy friends".

Quit the limbo.

Tell her that if she doesn't think enough of you to try to find a solution to this feeling together with you (like counselling, or sitting and talking things through, face to face, honestly) then you're going to call her out on this, because you're not going to hang around waiting interminably while she yanks your chain. Now, does she want to Break Up with you, or Not?

MAKE her decide.

[mightycpa]

1) She doesn't plan on dating other people

2) She stated she thinks some distance will be good

 

Yes, you're rationalizing. There's an old saying - PLANS CHANGE.

 

And you know what the best thing is about distance in an LDR with a break? PLANS CHANGE.

 

I know this is difficult, but you won't find many different answers around here because of those two thin threads of hope.

 

Every instinct you have will want to deny this, to wonder that if you escalate this break, will you be cutting your own throat....

 

told ya.

Edited September 8, 2014 by mightycpa

[d0nnivain]

"Taking a break" is code for I want out but don't have enough self confidence to know if I can make it on my own so I want to keep you around while I explore my options / other guys & I also don't want to hurt your feelings by breaking up with you.

 

It's BS. Either work together to solve whatever is wrong or break up. There is no middle ground after middle school.

[veggirl]

what does she think the distance will be good for?

 

I am in love with my bf, I would NEVER risk losing him by suggesting some stupid break.

 

What are the rules of your break? Apparently dating is against them, but how can that be true when the reason for her break is so she can "be friends" with other guys?

 

SHE IS LYING.

 

she is too cowardly to dump you so she is calling it a break.

 

do you HONESTLY believe she won't be dating and sleeping with these guys who ask her out? what will she be doing instead? just...waiting until some undetermined time to get back with you? lol come on.

 

oh, good one by her though, she doesn't "plan" on dating others...well, bet ya anything, "it just happens" anyway!

[lauri]

She 100% has another guy and is figuring out stuff with him currently...Want to know what you should do? She'd never expect it.

 

She says she wants a break - you tell her that you're going to end it with her. Explain to her that you aren't going to sit around while she figures out her stuff, you know there are tons of other girls who would love to be with you and you don't want to waste your time with someone who is so unsure.

 

Wish her all the best, tell her that this will be the last time you two will speak. You will remove her safety net and she will be so shocked. Even if she comes running back to you and says she wants you back, you tell her you need time to think about it. You girlfriend, or should I say ex girlfriend, needs to realize that breaking up with someone is not a joke. She should at least have the respect for you to end it instead of doing this flaky "figuring stuff out / break".

 

Block, delete and move on. She would never expect you to have the strength to move on like this. Its counter-intuitive for someone to go on a break with someone they love and never want to lose.

 

All you can do is cut your losses.