How do I deal with this relationship?

[Intaeron]

Ok so this is a loooong story. I guess I'll start at the beginning, I met him last year at work (we're direct colleagues) and we really hit it off. He told me he just got out of a serious relationship where his ex cheated on him and he said he hated her. He alse said that he was not ready for a new relationship but that we could have fun together. So I said ok not thinking too much about it because I liked him too and in the end with did have a lot of fun and did couply stuff.

 

Things were really great and I was starting to develop feelings for him. In the mean time he was getting over his anger for ex and wanted to start over with her.. I begged him to stay with him and not start over with her because it wouldn't work (it was already the 3rd time or something) but he did anyway.

 

So cue a few months later, I was slowly getting better after some painful time and he was starting to have problems with his ex again and he told me he missed me and shouldn't have started over with her. We didn't really interact a lot at work because I'm not the type to be able to hang out with someone who broke my heart (it was hell that I had to see him at work everyday) but at an office party we both got a little drunk and he started flirting with me. This continued several times until we ended up sleeping together. I told him he had to let his ex know met he refused because he didn't want to hurt her and that it shouldn't have happened. I was really hurt by that since it was him who tried to get on with me.

 

Another few months passed and he decided he was gonne break up with her and start over with me. The only problem was that he didn't find the right time to do it (bull****). We continued our affair the whole time and basically was with me and her 3 months into his relationship with her without her ever knowing. I felt horrible knowing that he was with her during the evenings and weekends and I knew that I shouldn't buy his crap about him needing to be with me but he just wouldn't let me go and I was weak..

 

So after about 9 months he found the courage to break up with her and things went great for us for a while and I was really happy that I didn't have to feel guilty about being the other woman anymore. In the meantime I moved close to his appartement and I frequently stay over his place and he with me. We also went on a vacation together and had the most amazing time.

 

However 4 months later things aren't going to smoothly anymore and we fight A LOT. Most of the time I'm happy with him but there's always the same issues that keep reappearing and that are threatening our relationship.. The main problems are that he doesn't want to be boyfriend - girlfriend with anyone at the moment and our age difference (he's 34, I'm 25). Apart from that he's a very laid back person as well, for example when I ask him what he would do without me (I know it's a stupid question but every girl asks this) he said he would just live his life like he does now and when I ask him what I am to him he says I'm a very good friend . He also gets a little angry when we talk about feelings and when I ask him how he feels about me or when I ask for a little extra affection. I know that he loves me but sometimes I don't know why he's with me. He says he likes being around with me but that he just needs time to get over his past relationship. I tell him that he needs to be alone for a bit and deal with it and he agrees but that he reaches out and hugs/kisses me.

 

I really don't know what to do with him anymore. I really like him but we have our issues that I don't know how to resolve..

 

Sorry for the long story but I have a few questions about how I should deal with this because it's my first 'serious' relationship and I'm really at loss here.

 

So here goes..

1) How do I deal with the age difference? He often says that I'm childish

and that I want things that he doesn't want anymore.

 

2) How do I make him understand that I'm someone who talks a lot about

my feelings and it doesn't mean he doesn't make me happy when I ask

for a hug or some sweet nothings when I'm feeling down (he gets

REALLY angry when I ask this)

 

3) Should I even continue with him at all? Sometimes I'm so scared he will

throw me away like he did before..

[preraph]

For one thing, he knows you will put up with almost anything, having put you on hold and all this while telling you he doesn't even want a real relationship or a real girlfriend. So he has no respect for you and never will have now. He doesn't want to talk about feelings because he doesn't have any feelings that are anything like what you're expecting from him. You are him passing time making his leaving his wife easier for him to deal with and you are a way to get back at her as well, him showing her he is still attractive to women. That is all he wants right now, validation that he is still hot, nothing more.

 

You can't make him do anything. You can only decide whether to stay or get out. If I were you, and you being so young you can date other guys easily enough, I'd get out and find someone who wants a real girlfriend.

[CarrieT]

1) How do I deal with the age difference? He often says that I'm childish

and that I want things that he doesn't want anymore.

This is the least of your worries. He is beyond immature in how he has handled things and you let him. If he says you want things he doesn't, LISTEN TO HIM! i.e., You Two Want Different Things=He doesn't want you and it will not work.

 

2) How do I make him understand that I'm someone who talks a lot about

my feelings and it doesn't mean he doesn't make me happy when I ask

for a hug or some sweet nothings when I'm feeling down (he gets

REALLY angry when I ask this)

It doesn't matter. You two communicate differently and he doesn't like the way you communicate. It does not make you bad. It makes you two incompatible. Time to move on.

 

3) Should I even continue with him at all? Sometimes I'm so scared he will

throw me away like he did before..

Nope. You are afraid of his rejection, which is sad. You should be the strong one to walk away from this toxic relationship.

[BluEyeL]

He told you he doesn't want a girlfriend, he just broke up with his ex. The future of this relationship looks bleak and you should end it as soon as possible. It's a colossal waste of time.

[Missy0724]

Plain and simple he is NOT OVER HER, his ex. And is in denial, having you there with him to avoid dealing with all that aftermath, baggage. Like other poster said, you are there to fill a "void" for him, to boost his own ego, show off to his ex that he is still desirable and loveable.

 

Trust me, this JUST happened to me. Shaking my head.

 

Have some self respect, self love, and get out now. Yes, go find someone who wants a girlfriend, someone who communicates you want them to, gives you the affection you rightly deserve! And if someone loves you, they will show it! With actions...both in and out of the bedroom...

 

If you continue on with him, you will become more resentful, ask him more about his feelings, expect more of him in the relationship. He won't be able to give it to you. And it will push him away, and all his baggage re: his ex will resurface and blow up in your face. And his, too.

 

People can only "stuff", deny their true feelings, not over someone else, for so long. He may care for you, but he is still in love with her. BIG difference.

 

Good luck!

[longjohn]

The man is an obvious and undeniable wanker. There's no chance he's over his ex and yes he's using you. He's messed you around how many times and you hang around and allow this. Do yourself a favour and get away from him and find yourself a real man.

[I am Bud]

Dear Intaeron

 

1) How do I deal with the age difference? He often says that I'm childish

and that I want things that he doesn't want anymore.

 

>> It's not something that you have to deal with at all, a guy who truly cherishes you will want you to be happy so he will make effort to ensure that this is the case. He would not dismiss your wants as something childish or start an argument over them because that in itself is immature and childish.

 

2) How do I make him understand that I'm someone who talks a lot about

my feelings and it doesn't mean he doesn't make me happy when I ask

for a hug or some sweet nothings when I'm feeling down (he gets

REALLY angry when I ask this)

 

>> Don't ask for affection if there is none to be found. If he is not able to pick up when you are feeling down and or does not even try to put a smile on your face or make you happy then it shows how self centered he is and that his mind is truly not on this relationship but on something else.

 

3) Should I even continue with him at all? Sometimes I'm so scared he will

throw me away like he did before..

 

>> This is something that you have to decide for yourself. At the present point in time he has too much emotional baggage to be an effective boyfriend and being that he said that you are a 'just a very good friend' speaks volumes about how he truly feels about you. If a guy whom you are intimate with says that you are very good friends then it means that you are friends with benefits. If he should come across someone else whom he thinks is potential girlfriend material then he would not hesitate to sever ties with you....because you are a good friend you will understand of course...NOT!! If you want a real committed relationship then he is not the guy for you. You deserve much better than that and the sooner that you realize the sooner you can find the right guy for you.

 

All the best - Bud.

Edited September 8, 2014 by I am Bud

[ExpatInItaly]

The age difference and communication problems are underlying issues. The biggest problem is that he doesn't want to be your boyfriend. He keeps you around because he knows you'll be there when it's convenient for him. Your needs and desires aren't being met in this arrangement. Why are you still there?

[Coil]

This sounds more like a FWB situation vs a real relationship. Sounds like you are being used more than anything.

 

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