Insecurity

[longjohn]

I've been dating a lady for a couple of months. Things appear to be going well so far without any major issues. However she has recently admitted to some insecurities on her end. Her insecurities appear to be triggered when we have any form of disagreement that isn't resolved quickly. I'm talking about disagreements on the level where we talk it out without anyone getting emotional and no screaming. These are low level disagreements. It's as if she expects me to end the relationship. I've talked to her about this and she has admitted it, is aware of it but can't seem to help it. I've told her repeatedly that I'd never just leave a relationship without cause or without she or I explicitly saying we want out. I definitely wouldn't be immature enough to find a reason to get out. If I wanted out I'd say so and I've told her this. It's not easy, not nice but I've done this in the past vs wasting x number of months/years of my time and someone else's being unhappy. I tell her at least a couple of times per week that I want to be with her and that hasn't helped. What else would help in this situation. I know not disagreeing would be great but all new couples will butt heads even gently from time to time.

[OwMyEyeball]

Either you have to come to terms with having to manage your behaviour to accommodate her insecurity or she needs to put the effort into quashing it.

 

Ideally, both of those approaches would work since she's not going to route out an insecurity like that overnight.

 

Is she doing anything to address it? Fear of abandonment can wreak havoc in all relationships, not just the romantic ones.

[longjohn]

Either you have to come to terms with having to manage your behaviour to accommodate her insecurity or she needs to put the effort into quashing it.

 

Ideally, both of those approaches would work since she's not going to route out an insecurity like that overnight.

 

Is she doing anything to address it? Fear of abandonment can wreak havoc in all relationships, not just the romantic ones.

It's difficult to manage not having a disagreement once in a while. Everyone does that form time to time and I'm talking fairly minor disagreement. I did question her on how this was dealt with in the past in prior relationships and it seems it was ignored and things took a noise dive or she'd "have enough" and leave of her own accord. I'm more of the mindset if there's an issue I want to hunt it down and deal with it vs leaving it to return later and outflank us. Ideally I'd like to get her into some counseling to try and work through it.

[Dork Vader]

Insecurities can be a huge sign of a bigger problem. We all have them about something from time to time. But constantly?

 

Therapy could help her and if this has been a trend in past relationships then she needs too seek therapy.

 

For the short term.. Anytime she feels insecure or that you will leave she needs to ask herself why she feels that way. From there she needs to ask herself are there any valid and rational reasons for her to feel that way. Valid rational reasons would be you saying or showing her that it is possible.

 

You should also ask her what can you do to help. You need to make sure your actions and words show her you're committed.

 

I'm curious was she insecure to begin with?

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

in 3+ years i have had one dissagreement with my LDR. She is insecure about missunderstandings. She hates not knowing. Because we have different language issues missundertandings come in very unexpectedly by her side. she takes lighthearted pokes negatively. though, she did not have such issues in the 1st year. mostly her insecurity comes from her husband's short fuse and being hurtful with words.

 

to put it simply if you are not in tune with your mate, missunderstandings will happen even if you speak the same language. To pick up when she is catching the wrong picture is diffucult if most missunderstandings are in messages. catching the insecurity when it pops up, can be easy if she voices herself in jesting about issues. every time i see her jest about an issue, i reafirm her with how is see the issue to her drectly, even if it pauses the flow of humor or topic. Now since i know all of her secrets, missunderstandings have been rare if any. maybe your woman has some issues that need to come out in the open. we found a few issues to ourselves that we thought were long gone. it takes scratching deeper than what you feel, as when an emotion or reaction must be checked before it passes. so be quick to point out why at certain times she may react to your convo or message. Not the reasons that she explains, but the reasons for the reasoning. example... did a past relationship have this issue... and why do you place me in the same boat... maybe you are expecting something that is not there. after some time I found that once she told me she was married her insecurities were the troubles in her relationship with husband, and they bled off on to me.

[OwMyEyeball]

It's difficult to manage not having a disagreement once in a while. Everyone does that form time to time and I'm talking fairly minor disagreement. I did question her on how this was dealt with in the past in prior relationships and it seems it was ignored and things took a noise dive or she'd "have enough" and leave of her own accord. I'm more of the mindset if there's an issue I want to hunt it down and deal with it vs leaving it to return later and outflank us. Ideally I'd like to get her into some counseling to try and work through it.

At least she's able to recognize it's an insecurity and hasn't tried to rationalize it. There's something to work with there.

 

She'll need to do her end of the heavy lifting on this one. Have you brought up counselling/therapy with her?

[preraph]

Come back at her calmly with "why do you feel that way" and see if you can get to the source of it. She's very insecure. Keep asking her that until you find out what's really going on and maybe she'll realize it's her eventually.

[longjohn]

Thanks for the responses. I have brought up counseling/therapy but she's not willing yet to go that route. I believe I can however talk her into trying it at least once. I do reassure her that even if we have a misunderstanding, even a small argument that while annoying it's perfectly normal and might happen now and then. I'm not going to use it as an excuse to run away from the relationship and nor should she. I've no doubt she's been hurt in the past by someone she allowed to get very close and this is her defense mechanism. It may very well have been her defense for a long time.

[TheyCallMeOx]

Insecurity is an issue that is dealt from the inside-out. There are legitimate reasons to be concerned about a relationship, but we have to learn the difference between what is logical, and illogical. Logically, people have disagreements. We're different; when we spend more time with people, those differences eventually start to come out. With relationship, and people, experience, you learn that. However, if you automatically assume that a disagreement is an indication that they're about to dump you, that's not necessarily the case. It might could lead to relationship deterioration, but unless you have no evidence to suggest the extreme, it would be considered illogical.

 

You may think "maybe I should just strap a GPS device to my knee, and give her all my passwords to all my accounts." Letting your partner have a sense of control in relationship may help with her insecurity, but it's not solving the issue of insecurity. Changing your circumstances to accommodate her insecurity isn't going to really help the situation because the only person who can deal with her insecurity is herself.

 

As long as you do your best with communication, you've done nothing wrong. At the end of the day, she'll interpret things as she wants to interpret things. If she continues with her insecurity, her insecurity may end up being a cause of why you decided to break up down the road; the self-fulfilling prophesy. You're going to have disagreements, and it may even escalate. Disagreements and fights aren't always healthy in the relationship, but just because there's a conflict doesn't mean it can't be resolved. Depending on how much you love someone, everything is an obstacle as opposed to the great wall of china.

 

Show that you support her, but the important thing is that she recognizes that having disagreements isn't the problem; it's her interpretation of the disagreements that is the problem. If she needs to attend counseling sessions, whatever the case may be, always offer to be with her (as any loving boyfriend would do in any bad circumstance), but don't try to feed her insecurity with unreasonable accommodation because an insecure person is never going to feel in control, or confident of the situation, until they know everything; and that's impossible because even if they did know everything, they wouldn't believe it. Kill the root of the insecurity, and you kill the symptoms with it.

 

In the end, if she's not willing to tackle the root of the problem, then you're going to have to find someone else. You'll make sacrifices and do what you have to do to help the relationship, such as be more communicative than you normally would be, but if she's not willing to uphold her end of the bargain, then she's not willing to make compromises. At that point, it would be best to find someone who is willing.

Edited September 8, 2014 by TheyCallMeOx

[longjohn]

Show that you support her, but the important thing is that she recognizes that having disagreements isn't the problem; it's her interpretation of the disagreements that is the problem. If she needs to attend counseling sessions, whatever the case may be, always offer to be with her (as any loving boyfriend would do in any bad circumstance), but don't try to feed her insecurity with unreasonable accommodation because an insecure person is never going to feel in control, or confident of the situation, until they know everything; and that's impossible because even if they did know everything, they wouldn't believe it. Kill the root of the insecurity, and you kill the symptoms with it.

 

In the end, if she's not willing to tackle the root of the problem, then you're going to have to find someone else. You'll make sacrifices and do what you have to do to help the relationship, such as be more communicative than you normally would be, but if she's not willing to uphold her end of the bargain, then she's not willing to make compromises. At that point, it would be best to find someone who is willing.

Here's the thing.. she knows it's her interpretation of the disagreements but still can't quite control her reaction. That reaction I've a feeling is something that might well have been done for a long time. I do intend to be present if she wants me to be present during counseling. I am trying to strike a balance between independence and reassurance. I agree if we can kill the root of the problem we can resolve the issue without her wanting to GPS me lol. I don't think she's that insecure, just insecure if we disagree. I've been very open/honest with her about everything which I'll admit as a man isn't an easy thing to do. It's something I had to do to avoid a repeat of past mistakes on my part in prior relationships.

[TheyCallMeOx]

Here's the thing.. she knows it's her interpretation of the disagreements but still can't quite control her reaction. That reaction I've a feeling is something that might well have been done for a long time. I do intend to be present if she wants me to be present during counseling. I am trying to strike a balance between independence and reassurance. I agree if we can kill the root of the problem we can resolve the issue without her wanting to GPS me lol. I don't think she's that insecure, just insecure if we disagree. I've been very open/honest with her about everything which I'll admit as a man isn't an easy thing to do. It's something I had to do to avoid a repeat of past mistakes on my part in prior relationships.

 

Don't confuse learned reactions with natural reactions. From her life experiences, she's learned to react from disagreements through insecurity. Since she has become an insecure person, that is how she's learned to react from them. Short term, she can't control it because that response is based on potentially years and years of circumstances. However, does that mean she can't control it at all?

 

I don't THINK so. Just because you can't control it NOW doesn't you can't control it ever. It's not an excuse to dismiss the issue at all; it's not something you can just say "you either deal with my insecurity, or you leave me...like you were planning to all along!" If insecurity is like PTSD, you may not be able to "cure" it, but you can decrease the symptoms. I'd rather be with a woman who has insecurity but is willing to do her best to decrease the symptoms of it rather than deal with a woman who says "it's who I am" and refuses to do anything about it. Insecurity is unhealthy. It's okay to be afraid of someone leaving you, that's natural, but that should inspire you to enjoy the relationship and do your best not to piss them off, rather than worry just because something bad happens.

 

I'm no psychologist, but I don't think insecurity is a magic switch that turns on when something bad happens. An insecure person is always going to be insecure; it's just that when something finally bad happens, it's reinforcing what they've always believed. They start justifying their irrational thoughts. The thoughts are always there, it's just that, from my experience, an insecure person is more "in control" of their thoughts when they are keeping their minds pre-occupied with sex, dates, etc. It's like repressed anger, from my experience. Just because you don't show it, doesn't mean it's not there.