babybear Posted March 4, 2005 Posted March 4, 2005 Someone had a post recently about being hit on at work, and it made me think... Why do guys get SO uncomfortable when their gf's get hit on? I think my bf is rather attractive, and when a girl hits on him (and sometimes it happens in front of me!!!) I don't get offended, UNLESS HE FLIRTS BACK! And, he doesn't. My bf and I go to the video store all the time. This one guy in particular always erases my late fees. My bf absolutely hates it! And I'm always pumped that I saved $4! It pisses off my bf that a guy erases my fees. I NEVER EVER flirt with these ppl. I have WAY too much love and respect to act that way...so why do guys get like that? 2 weeks ago, a bunch of us went to a party. A group of Armenian guys started to talk to me. One girl that was with us (a good friend of my bf and I) was talking to my bf, and she was like, '"wow...your gf always has cute guys talking to her!" And instead of being like, yea...my gf is beautiful, and I know why guys would hit on her.....he was like....they just want to get some. I mean, WHY does he get insecure like this. I haven't cheated on him, or anyone. I have eyes for no one else. I want him to be secure!!!!! Babybear
Devildog Posted March 4, 2005 Posted March 4, 2005 Why do guys get upset? There are a few reasons. Guys know what other guys want. S-E-X. There is an unwritten code among guys. If you know she is with someone, back the hell off. Far too many guys don't have enough honor to follow this rule. As was discussed in a thread on platonic relationships, I have never, EVER, known of a guy to look at a woman for the first time and say "I wonder what her views on politics are? I want to talk to her and find out." I have however, constantly known guys to say "I wonder what she's like in bed" when seeing a woman for the first time. It isn't that guys don't trust their ladies. It is just disrespectful for another guy to hit on his SO. Especially if they know she is seeing someone.
TylerC Posted March 4, 2005 Posted March 4, 2005 Exactly. Last spring break my current girlfriend was with another guy and the guy went to Florida with me for spring break. While we were gone, she was at the movies with some girlfriends of hers and they met a guy's soccer team, who bought them ice cream. I told Lauren she better not let any guys buy her ice cream while I'm in Florida for spring break, because I said that one thing goes through a SINGLE guy's mind when he spends money on a girl: "Man if I'm spending this money on your ass I better get some." I know because I've been there.
Merin Posted March 4, 2005 Posted March 4, 2005 That thread about being hit on at work is mine.. Jealousy.. I guess I've got issues or concerns about my SO being insecure/jealous because of a nasty prior experience with my EXBF. He was more than a little jealous.. more like possesive and controlling. He monitored what I wore.. if he felt it wasn't *appropriate* he would take MY clothes without saying anything and do who knows what with them, I had to call him when I got to work and when I left work, when I went to the gym he had to know, when I went to get my hair cut he had to know, I wasn't *allowed* to go out anywhere with my Gf's, I wasn't *allowed* to have any guy friends, if anyone called me I had to give him a summary of what the conversation was about why they had called how long I was on the phone, if any guy talked to me for any reason I had to tell him.. the list went on and on.. I was also suppose to apologize for having any past relationships BEFORE I met him My currant BF.. Wow.. LOL he looks very good to me after the bullsh*t I had dealt with in my last relationship for real! I don't tell him about every little thing.. the only time I've told him about being hit on was yesterday because the guy who hit on me IMO was/is just creepy and it bothered me. I'm a loyal person.. my BF now says he isn't the jealous type.. if thats true or not.. I don't know. However I guess like Moi (her response in my original thread about this) I felt that in telling him about what had happend it made it less of an issue (in my mind) then had I kept it to myself. He tells me about girls that hit on him.. and I'm okay with it.. because again to me.. it makes it a non issue.. I would be more concerned if he was trying to keep it to himself if it was something like what had happend to me yesterday. This isn't to say I need or want to know about every girl that flirts with him.. but yeah if it had tripped him out, I would hope he would tell me.
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 4, 2005 Posted March 4, 2005 If a guy is emotionally strong, and secure with his relationship and trusts his partner (and she gives him no reason not to trust her) - then he won't get uncomfortable. Its a bit of an ego boost knowing that someone else wants what you have. Guys that get uncomfortable generally have a reason to be: either they are insecure with the strength of the relationship, or their girlfriend has given them reason not to trust her (real or imagined), or they are insecure about their ability to keep their girl from wanting to stray, or their manhood is threatened. Some guys are insecure, others merely territorial. It depends on the guy, really. If the problem is insecurity though... I want him to be secure!!!!! There is nothing you can do that will make him more secure. That's something he has to accomplish entirely on his own, with no outside influence. Trying to make someone secure is like walking into a tarpit. You get one foot stuck by adjusting your behavior, then another one when you find that it isn't good enough, and the next thing you know they are sucking you down and trying to wrench their sense of security out of you - instead of reaching for where it really is: inside themselves. The harder they look for it in you, and the less they find it - the more determined that they will find it in you - even to the point of demanding it from you by controlling your behavior/dress/social life.
iceisles Posted March 4, 2005 Posted March 4, 2005 I'm a trusting person, but I'm still a guy, and I know how guys are. We worry because we're afraid that we will be "outed" by someone that is hotter, smarter, funnier, etc. Unless we are with someone we completely trust 100%, we will always be worried about other men. We know most of you girls could have almost any guy you wanted, and that's a damn scary thought to battle. I don't mind when other guys stare at my girlfriend, but if they try to hit on her, they may find themselves having an emergency meeting with a third-story window.
d'Arthez Posted March 4, 2005 Posted March 4, 2005 In some ways, it's the eternal problem that: you believe how you are as a guy, is also true of all other guys. The same is true with the girl you are involved with. You naturally assume she is similar in these respects to earlier gfs. So in a sense, everybody is punished for their past "mistakes", by their current insecurities. And no, insecurity is not attractive. I guess for most people that is part and parcel of life. As was discussed in a thread on platonic relationships, I have never, EVER, known of a guy to look at a woman for the first time and say "I wonder what her views on politics are? I want to talk to her and find out." I have however, constantly known guys to say "I wonder what she's like in bed" when seeing a woman for the first time. If, as you I have, you would meet a woman at a political meeting, as improbable as it might seem to many guys, it is perfectly possible to start a discussion about politics, without even knowing her name, nor having thoughts about how she is in bed. Of course if you meet someone on the streets your first thoughts shall not be on someone's political views. It's about what is most important on your mind, and sadly, for a lot of men, it's sex. But then again, I might be defective
alphamale Posted March 4, 2005 Posted March 4, 2005 Originally posted by babybear I mean, WHY does he get insecure like this. I haven't cheated on him, or anyone. I have eyes for no one else. I want him to be secure!!!!! Babybear i will tell u why BABYBEAR. Cause when men hit on women they do it overtly and your b/f knows exactly what they want (him being a boy too). When women hit on or flirt with men it is generally covert or indirect and not as visible even tho other women may pick up on it the guy may not cause most men are not good with that stuff. i.e. many men don't know when a woman is flirting or hittin on them cause it is so indirect. Sometime if I go to a bar with a date or girlfriend and I got to bathroom for 5 minute I will come back and some dude is talking with my chick. If i am in a bad mood I will tell them to get lost.
Illusion24 Posted March 4, 2005 Posted March 4, 2005 All my friends and family know my bf as the "Hulk" he feels its very disrespectful when he's holding my hand and a guy points or makes a comment it's like if he's not even their...My bf is big on respect so he feels he has to protect me and make sure no harm comes my way...its sometimes a little annoying but at least I feel loved and protected...All I know its about R-E-S-P-E-C-T...at least for my bf...lol I get a kick out of it sometimes
alphamale Posted March 4, 2005 Posted March 4, 2005 Originally posted by NeverSayNever ...All I know its about R-E-S-P-E-C-T... didn't Aretha Franklin sing a song about that?!?
moimeme Posted March 4, 2005 Posted March 4, 2005 In some ways, it's the eternal problem that: you believe how you are as a guy, is also true of all other guys one thing goes through a SINGLE guy's mind when he spends money on a girl: "Man if I'm spending this money on your ass I better get some." I know because I've been there. Guys know what other guys want. S-E-X. Note to self: run fast from any guy who gets exercised about some other guy hitting on me since guy getting upset is a horndog who'll boink any available female and thinks all men are the same and all women are not to be trusted This has certainly been an education for me. Yeesh.
Podna Posted March 4, 2005 Posted March 4, 2005 First of all, not all guys get uncomfortable when their lady is hit on. Every guy has a threshold though, and each guy’s threshold is different. There are a number of reasons guys might react like this, for example: Guys might get upset with their girlfriend as though it were their fault (you got flirted with or hit on because you were flirting too). He might be upset with the other guy, because they fear that he might be a threat (he is trying to take you away from me). One might be upset because it made you uncomfortable; like that guy did to Merin in the other thread (he is hurting you or upsetting you so he must go). One might also be upset because they think their girlfriend is simply trying to test them (she is just telling me all this to see if I react to it) and most people don’t like to be tested. The list goes on and on. Guys want to ‘protect’ their woman from other men. It may not even be that we don’t trust or have confidence in the woman; we simply don’t trust the MEN. Now, you might point out that just because some guy hits on you doesn’t mean you are going to jump in the sack with him, and that is true, and also totally irrelevant as far as we are concerned. Often jealousy has absolutely NOTHING to do with you, it’s all about this other guy. People like to say that “jealousy is a method of control” and they are right, and guess what? It’s very normal for someone to be jealous (within reason). It can get out of control, yes. A person can take anything too far. I think even the most secure guys in the world get jealous though.
Podna Posted March 4, 2005 Posted March 4, 2005 Originally posted by moimeme Note to self: run fast from any guy who gets exercised about some other guy hitting on me since guy getting upset is a horndog who'll boink any available female and thinks all men are the same and all women are not to be trusted This has certainly been an education for me. Yeesh. Get a grip Moimeme. We are talking about guys who are not harmlessly flirting here, we are talking about guys who are asking girls out or are flirting with intent to ask a girl out. Perhaps you live in a dream world where both sexes feel the same way about sex, but it’s time to come back to Earth with the rest of us now. How many times have you heard people (both males and females) say things like “I won’t go out with him/continue to go out unless I feel some kind of physical attraction.” What do you think that means I wonder? Does ‘physical attraction’ interpret into ‘pretty hands’ for you?
moimeme Posted March 4, 2005 Posted March 4, 2005 How many times have you heard people (both males and females) say things like “I won’t go out with him/continue to go out unless I feel some kind of physical attraction What has this to do with someone hitting on your gf? Unless you're afraid that guy hitting is more attractive than you - and even so, if your gf is so disloyal that she'll drop you for someone better looking, you're well rid of her. Bottom line, Podna, you should trust that each other is loyal. If you're with someone you don't feel you can trust, why even bother? And if you do trust her, then guys can ask her out ten times a day and she'll turn them all down because it's YOU she wants. The fact that they ask means nothing - it's her answer that counts.
Podna Posted March 4, 2005 Posted March 4, 2005 Originally posted by moimeme Bottom line, Podna, you should trust that each other is loyal. If you're with someone you don't feel you can trust, why even bother? And if you do trust her, then guys can ask her out ten times a day and she'll turn them all down because it's YOU she wants. The fact that they ask means nothing - it's her answer that counts. This may be true on planet Happy-Go-Lucky, but here on Earth it doesn’t really matter. Is this rational? Nope… Is it how (most) guys work? Yep… Like I said, we may have all the trust and respect in the world for the woman in our life and still be jealous. It may have nothing to do with the woman at all; we just don’t like the man coming into our territory. If you dislike that, blame twenty four thousand years of evolution. You know, the same process we have to blame for our opposable thumbs.
d'Arthez Posted March 4, 2005 Posted March 4, 2005 This may be true on planet Happy-Go-Lucky, but here on Earth it doesn?t really matter. Is this rational? Nope? Is it how (most) guys work? Yep? Like I said, we may have all the trust and respect in the world for the woman in our life and still be jealous. It may have nothing to do with the woman at all; we just don?t like the man coming into our territory. If you dislike that, blame twenty four thousand years of evolution. You know, the same process we have to blame for our opposable thumbs. Blame my rationality, or whatever. The question is why do most guys work that way? And not every guy works that way. There are basically two ways to be in a relationship: the position which starts from basic trust and the position which starts from basic distrust. And as always, we project our own behavior on other guys; just as the fears of the past may come true again in the future. And don't blame evolution. There was no institution of marriage 10.000 years ago. Judging by antropological research in so called "primitive" societies, the whole male territorialism idea is probably untrue.
Author babybear Posted March 4, 2005 Author Posted March 4, 2005 Originally posted by Devildog There is an unwritten code among guys. If you know she is with someone, back the hell off. Far too many guys don't have enough honor to follow this rule. DEVILDOG: I agree with you on this one. I think it goes both ways...its incredibly disrespectful not to back off when you know that the person is already involved. Unfortunately, I guess this is sometimes what might interest the 3rd party to begin with? Babybear
Author babybear Posted March 4, 2005 Author Posted March 4, 2005 Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia Its a bit of an ego boost knowing that someone else wants what you have. LUCREZIA: Okay, that's exactly what I am talking about! Say the guy who hits on you has NO idea you have a bf...should your bf still react that way? Is it unnatural for them to get an ego boost? Lately I've been noticing that any attention I get angers him more than anything. I don't know if it was always this way...or if I just never noticed. Not that I am some egomaniac who gets hit on 20 times a day...its not the case at all. But sometimes if I score a free mocha at Starbucks (which REALLY makes my day!!!) and I tell him, he'll just grunt....and immediately just talk about something else. Babybear
TylerC Posted March 4, 2005 Posted March 4, 2005 Another example: Lauren and I were at the mall getting Dippin' Dots and she ordered a large whatever flavor. The guy only charged her for a small, and she commented on this. I said "duh, it's because he thought you were hot, guys will do anything for a pretty girl." She then realized why she got stuff for free or discounted frequently. It bugs me, yes, but I just shrug it off, let them dream
clynn Posted March 5, 2005 Posted March 5, 2005 why does a guy get insecure when a girl he only likes to flirt with gets hit on? Even stranger.
Groovy Posted March 5, 2005 Posted March 5, 2005 I have dated many men and seen many faces. I want a guy to care somewhat if I am being hit on because then I feel protected and cared about. Sometimes I have seen jealousy go away and I become more assuring with the man I am dating. But I have also come across a time when he was violent and would consider hurting other people and warn me. Maybe he was all talk but I did not stick around to find out and still resent the fact 2 women cheated on him doesn't mean I will. So much was lost in ability to trust and open up. The guy I am dating now questions me on things, like why I have roses (my aunt gave them to me) and was annoyed an ex called me. But he just told me he was upset and concerned about us talking. It's no biggie with us because he just asks and we talk it over. I think any guy who likes me doesn't want other guys hitting on me and watching it. If he does then he probably could care less about me. My advice to any women are expect it to some extent but watch out for the psychos!
alphamale Posted March 5, 2005 Posted March 5, 2005 Originally posted by TylerC Lauren and I were at the mall getting Dippin' Dots and she ordered a large whatever flavor. The guy only charged her for a small, and she commented on this. I said "duh, it's because he thought you were hot, guys will do anything for a pretty girl." She then realized why she got stuff for free or discounted frequently. It bugs me, yes, but I just shrug it off, let them dream your are right TYLERC but you know what?....when good loooking women get older and figure this out the have no respect for these dudes who give them free shyt and fall at their feet and pander to them. They do not consider the real men. They consider them as pathetic lap dogs who they can manipulate at their own whim. That is why it is so impt to be strong and confident with good looking women and just treat them like everyone else and sometimes be mean to them. It makes a guy stand out cause 95% of men are falling all over themselves to please these attractive women.
Groovy Posted March 5, 2005 Posted March 5, 2005 Tyler, watch out for AlphaMale's advice sometimes...even though I dig him as a person. The guy I am seeing does everything for me and treats me like I am a queen. That's why I made a committment not to see anyone else and try to make time for him. It all makes me feel special and I'd be foolish to let him slip away. Not because I want to use him but because I know he likes me in a genuine way and isn't just trying to get into my pants. (I mean, he is but that's not all he's after and I want the real thing). When a man takes me out and doesn't go the extra mile for a period of time, then they are getting naked with some other chick. Only messed up unhappy girls want a man who doesn't appreciate them and put in the effort. Just my opinion. Is that what you want?
Xerxes1986 Posted March 5, 2005 Posted March 5, 2005 sry i havn't read the rest of the replies but my 2 cents is this: personnally if i had a gf and she was being hit on by other guys...i would be jelous because i think that all guys are insecure by nature...they think that the 1 thing that is wrong with them will drive their girl to another person and these guys hitting on his gf are like his competition...
Devildog Posted March 5, 2005 Posted March 5, 2005 Originally posted by NeverSayNever All my friends and family know my bf as the "Hulk" he feels its very disrespectful when he's holding my hand and a guy points or makes a comment it's like if he's not even their...My bf is big on respect so he feels he has to protect me and make sure no harm comes my way...its sometimes a little annoying but at least I feel loved and protected...All I know its about R-E-S-P-E-C-T...at least for my bf...lol I get a kick out of it sometimes My feelings exactly. If you know she is with someone, a guy should have enough respect to back off, or not even approach in the first place. If a guy doesn't know she is with someone, and comes up hitting on her, he obviosuly doesn't know her or anything about her, so therefore, he is interested in purely physical aspects. (S-E-X)
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