dntl841 Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 Hey everyone, Recently my ex and I have been texting and what not and I thought things were going to improve. So the other night we were texting and I asked her if I could just call here and she texted back "that is not a good idea, sorry". So, I said F*** it and just called. Asked her why she was being weird and she said she thought it was too soon. so we talked a bit and she began to cry. In the conversation I just said that I wanted to catch up as it has been a while, said to her at one point "I loved you but things happen and we couldnt make it work". She was crying because I said "loved". So, I said, do you want to get together for coffee and just chat and she said yes. I have been acting like I am ok. during the conversation I said, " I am ok, the dust has settled" more or less. After we hung up she texted me saying she thought it over and she just cant as it is too soon for her. The NC was killing her but she was determined not to break as she made her decision. I don't understand what is happening with her. why is she so resistant if she misses me so much?
tim_tom Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 Hey everyone, Recently my ex and I have been texting and what not and I thought things were going to improve. So the other night we were texting and I asked her if I could just call here and she texted back "that is not a good idea, sorry". So, I said F*** it and just called. Asked her why she was being weird and she said she thought it was too soon. so we talked a bit and she began to cry. In the conversation I just said that I wanted to catch up as it has been a while, said to her at one point "I loved you but things happen and we couldnt make it work". She was crying because I said "loved". So, I said, do you want to get together for coffee and just chat and she said yes. I have been acting like I am ok. during the conversation I said, " I am ok, the dust has settled" more or less. After we hung up she texted me saying she thought it over and she just cant as it is too soon for her. The NC was killing her but she was determined not to break as she made her decision. I don't understand what is happening with her. why is she so resistant if she misses me so much? Had a similar experience, the net result was her pulling away further. I don't really get it and am only left to assume that it's guilt mixed with ego bruise mixed with a genuine sadness for the end of something that was important to them. I think a lot of dumpers believe that they can get the dumpee back whenever they want, which is really what gives them a huge upper hand in dealing with this. Hearing you've moved on, shuts that door and then they get to miss you + deal with the likelihood that it's over and they can't get you back... (plus the ego blow).. You know, basically what the dumpee has to go through from day 1
PegNosePete Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 why is she so resistant if she misses me so much? A very good question. And the only logical answer is, "because she doesn't". She gets upset sometimes but when push comes to shove she doesn't want to try again. 2
Bella2 Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 I think a lot of dumpers believe that they can get the dumpee back whenever they want, which is really what gives them a huge upper hand in dealing with this. Hearing you've moved on, shuts that door and then they get to miss you + deal with the likelihood that it's over and they can't get you back... (plus the ego blow).. You know, basically what the dumpee has to go through from day 1 I just experienced that with my ex. He was doing very okay since the BU I think, because he knew I was hurting and thinking about him. He was never the one contacting me, it was me sending mails (for "closure" - well, trying to keep in contact with him, you all know how it is). Then, two days ago, he saw me out on a date with another man. I immediately received a mail from him, it's unbearable for him to think of me with another guy, he's broken, sad, feels sick to his stomach etc. He has already been replaced etc! (not true at all, but whatever) Now I know he's hurting too, because apparentely I'm not sitting at home crying over him all day. He's jealous and his ego is shattered, so it seems. 2
tim_tom Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 I just experienced that with my ex. He was doing very okay since the BU I think, because he knew I was hurting and thinking about him. He was never the one contacting me, it was me sending mails (for "closure" - well, trying to keep in contact with him, you all know how it is). Then, two days ago, he saw me out on a date with another man. I immediately received a mail from him, it's unbearable for him to think of me with another guy, he's broken, sad, feels sick to his stomach etc. He has already been replaced etc! (not true at all, but whatever) Now I know he's hurting too, because apparentely I'm not sitting at home crying over him all day. He's jealous and his ego is shattered, so it seems. Yeah, I know a lot of people say dumpers have a headstart and that's why it's easier. But I really think ego and options(control) have a big say here. I am at the point now that I am hurting a lot, feel like crap most days, but am not sure if I would take my ex back even if she came begging. I do however, know that if she did.. I'd feel a whole lot better about things, no matter what my answer was. My ego would be healed, self esteem raised, confidence returned, and I'd have the control to make the decision I thought was best. I'd be analyzing it with a clear head instead of it being polluted by a wounded ego..
Thruster Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Why you ask? They are women - -they have 300% more feelings and emotions than us Don't play head games with her -- they don't like it and when you crush their heart a 2nd time they break out the scissors and snip it off 1
mightycpa Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 Hey everyone, Recently my ex and I have been texting and what not and I thought things were going to improve. So the other night we were texting and I asked her if I could just call here and she texted back "that is not a good idea, sorry". So, I said F*** it and just called. Asked her why she was being weird and she said she thought it was too soon. so we talked a bit and she began to cry. In the conversation I just said that I wanted to catch up as it has been a while, said to her at one point "I loved you but things happen and we couldnt make it work". She was crying because I said "loved". So, I said, do you want to get together for coffee and just chat and she said yes. I have been acting like I am ok. during the conversation I said, " I am ok, the dust has settled" more or less. After we hung up she texted me saying she thought it over and she just cant as it is too soon for her. The NC was killing her but she was determined not to break as she made her decision. I don't understand what is happening with her. why is she so resistant if she misses me so much? I get the impression you were the original dumper. Were you?
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 It is a natural instinct to want what you can't have... You have to turn it to shutting them out... Very sad but very true x
Author dntl841 Posted September 8, 2014 Author Posted September 8, 2014 Hey there, Thanks for the replies. She dumped me, I stood my ground and kept my head up. Told her I didn't want this, but she said that her mind is made. I've been dating an improving my life the best I can, but she is completely finished with me... So I have no idea anymore, I miss her but i told her I won't ask her to take me back because that didn't work the first time, lol.
mightycpa Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 Hey there, Thanks for the replies. She dumped me, I stood my ground and kept my head up. Told her I didn't want this, but she said that her mind is made. I've been dating an improving my life the best I can, but she is completely finished with me... So I have no idea anymore, I miss her but i told her I won't ask her to take me back because that didn't work the first time, lol. Ok, well, that clears things up a lot. Back to the original question: I don't understand what is happening with her. why is she so resistant if she misses me so much? What difference does it make? There's something about you that she sees, and whatever it is, she knows that in the long run, it won't work. I have to give her credit, it is clear she likes you, but she's being pretty grown up about whatever her hesitation is, and sparing you a lot more pain down the road. Probably best that you do as she asks, and just leave her in peace.
Author dntl841 Posted September 8, 2014 Author Posted September 8, 2014 I did it's been over a month since the break up, I just had no idea she would be in such bad shape still. I never did anything to hurt her, never acted like dick during the break up even...
Strength in Healing Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 Sounds like the guy she is with isn't meeting her emotional needs fully, or she (DUHHH) hasn't moved on fully yet. Don't give this rat any more time.
Author dntl841 Posted September 8, 2014 Author Posted September 8, 2014 I guess it is all I can do. sad to say, she might not be over me but still doesnt want to be with me. Well, I guess we will see how it all pans out one day. I'm hitting tinder, lol.
Sugarkane Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 Maybe it hurts her too? The time I was a dumper it hurt just as much. It's weird seeing them move on, even though you know it won't work out.
Author dntl841 Posted September 9, 2014 Author Posted September 9, 2014 I understand that because I have been the dumper before too. Its just hard for me understand. I tried to make it work and we really cared about eachother, so why keep this up if it hurts so badly? Why push me away when Im not doing anything weird or trying to get her back. I feel like she is just upset that I am doing better than she is emotionally, granted its mostly a front.
AltiumV Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 as alot of people stated in my case i was the dumpee and she left for another guy (who she cheated on me with), by the time he dumped her she came back (2 months later) she immediately thought she could come back in my life, sadly i try'd to give it another go and it dident work out. and THEN her emotions came out, its as if she was convinced she was aloud to explore and come back to me but when the door was closed it was a diffrent story. constant emails begging for chance etc...maybe the dumpers get the head start but the dumpee's finish the mourning quicker? i have no idea. The whole push and pull thing is what im finding strange, why do you want to catch up with your ex if you ended it? are you hoping for reconcile? what is it that you are after?
Standard-Fare Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 I don't know the backstory, but it sounds like you're really not respecting her need to go no contact. Calling her when she said not to, suggesting meetups... She's obviously struggling and she needs time and space to heal. Don't assume because she was the dumper that this was easy for her. You should respect her wishes. 1
Author dntl841 Posted September 9, 2014 Author Posted September 9, 2014 She dumped me. I just wanted to catch up, we broke up a month ago and I didn't call or anything. She texted me, so I hit a "enough of this point", so I just called and she made it weird. I didn't call to try to get her back and she wanted to get together when we talked then texted back saying she can't... Possibly after consulting with her massive screw up sister, but whatever. I miss her, but I'm not on a mission or acting like a creep. I've been really good about this
Standard-Fare Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 Here's some evidence that you're NOT being that good about this: So the other night we were texting and I asked her if I could just call here and she texted back "that is not a good idea, sorry". So, I said F*** it and just called. Asked her why she was being weird and she said she thought it was too soon. After we hung up she texted me saying she thought it over and she just cant as it is too soon for her. The NC was killing her but she was determined not to break as she made her decision. Obviously she's caved a few times with you, she still has lingering feelings and confusion, but it seems pretty clear her goal is maintaining no contact. Every time you communicate with her, meet up with her, or suggest shared activities, you are disregarding her needs.
mightycpa Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 I understand that because I have been the dumper before too. Its just hard for me understand. I was a dumpee before I was a dumper. Once I understood the dumper, I never asked why again. What finally struck home was that "why" didn't matter, because the outcome was the same. It really helped me a lot down the line. I could be sad and disappointed, but not consumed by it. I'd describe it as instant acceptance. It was very healthy for me.
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