Called him out for not paying for dinner on first date

[guest569]

I've offered to pay half on a few dates, some guys flat out refuse to let me pay and others say fine. I kind of appreciate when they let me pay half and not cause a fuss if i did not want to pay i would just go wide eyed, get out a 10ft pole and push the bill towards his side of the table. Not say "oh I'll get it! :D"

[Diezel]

I'm genuinely curious what the motivation is to accept the offer. What good will come of that? A few extra dollars in the pockets?

 

What motivation is there to offer to help pay, when the intention isn't really there?

 

Like I said previously, some women don't want to be paid for on the first date. It happens. It's more of a guessing game for a man than it is for a woman.

[juicygirl]

OP, it's your own fault, you offered to pay half and what did you expect? This guy wouldn't even pay for your $3 coffee!

 

I don't think men should buy for a woman's company, but if a guy asked me on a first date and then I had to pay, yes I'd be a bit pissed off, but that's not what happened here, you offered to pay.

 

You're lucky you got an apology text, most guys won't have been that nice.

 

You're clearly not in to him, save both of you time and don't date him again.

[Els]

At least we agree that the OP's trap and her passive-aggressive text were absurd.

 

Oh, we definitely agree on that.

 

To OP:

 

When chivalry was alive, grown women were treated like helpless little girls, men were allowed to beat their wives, and there was no such thing as marital rape.

 

The extent some people go to to vilify this preference astounds me.

 

That's like saying, "Back when women only wore dresses and not pants, men were allowed to beat their wives, etc." It's the truth. But it doesn't necessarily mean there is any correlation between women wearing dresses and domestic abuse, even if the timelines coincide. Nor does it mean that women shouldn't wear dresses nowadays for fear of bringing back 'those times'. NOR does it mean that men who prefer women who wear dresses want to abuse them...

 

Jesus freakin' christ.

[Els]

Interesting to hear all these different perspectives. In my opinion (male point of view), it's common courtesy and polite for a woman to offer to help pay for dinner, even when it's a charade and everyone knows it. If the offer isn't made I start to question her motives. And I think it's a perfectly reasonable expectation that the guy responds by saying, "no, I got this."

 

I always thought this was the way things were. It was just what people did.

 

I don't think it should be an 'expectation', but that was usually how things panned out in my experience. That doesn't mean it's the only right way though. People should just save themselves the trouble by seeking compatible people. I think for most men and women, this is mostly a non-issue - most men I know WANT to pay, and for most women I know it isn't a dealbreaker, just a nice gesture.

 

What wasn't cool, was the insulting text and getting bent out of shape about it. You already feel that he is a loser of sorts because he let you pay, but then you go so far as to tell him that you think he's a loser (in a sense) over TEXT. That's insulting.

Very. And rude. And really not becoming of someone who expects to be treated like a lady.

[evanescentworld]

I stopped reading at "didn't pay for my 3 dollar coffee....."

 

I'm all for chivalry, but when you hardly know the person, your expectations are seriously misplaced.

Drama queen behaviour.

[Assasda]

I met up with a guy I met from OLD just this past weekend.

 

We had drinks at the bar, and then dinner. When we were having drinks I offered to help pay, and he gave me a look that said, "are you crazy?"

 

After we ate, the check came and he picked it right up. He went: "what was up with you offering to pay earlier?"

 

I responded: "I always offer, it's the right thing to do."

 

He said: "I asked you out. I pay. If a guy ever takes money from you he's cheap. And if he's cheap on a first date, he's going to be cheap always."

 

I think that sums it up completely. I will always offer, yes. But if a guy takes money from me on a date that he initiated and invited me on, he will not be getting a second date. He wouldn't have even gotten that text message you sent him. You don't know him from a hole in the wall, what exactly do you think he needs to be "made aware of?"

 

To be honest, I think you wasted your breath having to point that out.

 

hahaha wow. That guy proved himself to be a big tough strong man huh?

Having to explain to a poor little girl that, the BIG man pays, and the big man walks around with his big-boy pants.

 

Its garbage

And if you dont watch out for people that brag and act like everything they do is gospel, you'll find out about those people the hard way.

 

-In my opinion that guy probably has problems coming to turns with his masculinity, and has to pay, to show a poor little girl like you, how cheap he's not.

 

If you go on a date with me with your nose up in the air and you dont care if I live or die. I probably wont care about you. Women contribute to the date as much as men. If women have a chip on their shoulder about paying, I'll knock that chip off real quick, then we both can go home.

- That being said, if a woman has a good time with me, cares about me, DOESNT MIND PAYING, well I dont mind paying either.

[veggirl]

god can the word "chivalry" just be banned from LS already.

[gaius]

So I went out on a first date with this girl, and she is already trying to FIX my supposed bad habits?

What. The. Hell.

It was their second date, and I remember on our second date one time I tried to guilt this one girl into something she didn't really want to do and she took me aside and told me to knock it off, that it made her feel really bad. I thought about it and she was right, I was being kind of scummy without realizing it. So I knocked it off and it turned into the longest relationship she ever had.

 

And she got just as wet for me after as she did before. There were plenty of times afterward where she tried to sht test and I told her no and showed her who's the boss. But if you're going to be so stubborn that you won't even budge when you're clearly in the wrong you're not going to get very far in life with women.

[gaius]

I stopped reading at "didn't pay for my 3 dollar coffee....."

 

I'm all for chivalry, but when you hardly know the person, your expectations are seriously misplaced.

Drama queen behaviour.

You can yell at me for not paying for your coffee anytime.

[gaius]

Very. And rude. And really not becoming of someone who expects to be treated like a lady.

Saying she should be more ladylike, sit back and not express herself when her needs aren't being met?

[rester]

What motivation is there to offer to help pay, when the intention isn't really there?

 

Like I said previously, some women don't want to be paid for on the first date. It happens. It's more of a guessing game for a man than it is for a woman.

 

It's not a guessing game. It's a simple social exchange.

1. She offers to pay.

2. I say "no I got it"

3. she says "okay thank you. I'll get us drinks afterward."

4. I pay because I'm not a cheapass

 

Now, if she INSISTS that she pays her half, then okay, I'd let her. It doesn't have to be an argument. It's a very navigable interaction, and if it's confusing, it's then that I would think some social skills were missing and that communication difficulties would be ongoing.

[doeblin]

I remember on our second date one time I tried to guilt this one girl into something she didn't really want to do and she took me aside and told me to knock it off, that it made her feel really bad. I thought about it and she was right, I was being kind of scummy without realizing it. So I knocked it off and it turned into the longest relationship she ever had.

 

Calling out scummy behavior and the OP's ludicrous text-after-the-fact are two very different things.

 

 

YOU were disrespectful to the girl. The OP was disrespectful to the guy.

 

 

And I'm sure you have read the other responses on the thread. Most people here wouldn't say that taking her offer to split constitutes a bad habit.

[Els]

Saying she should be more ladylike, sit back and not express herself when her needs aren't being met?

 

 

Let's put it this way, what the OP did is akin to a guy texting a girl, "Sorry, but I only date women who have sex on the first date." Manners are equally important for all - simply that the names for good manners by both sexes differ.

[Woop1337]

The OP preferred the guy to pay because she likes him a lot, in my opinion.

If she wasn't so interested she wouldn't have gone out with him in a second date. She wouldn't have driven to his area. Most of the time, if a woman is not interested, she's more likely to offer to pay for her half. Because she doesn't want to owe the guy anything.

Edited September 9, 2014 by Woop1337

[Keenly]

The OP preferred the guy to pay because she likes him a lot, in my opinion.

If she wasn't so interested she wouldn't have gone out with him in a second date. She wouldn't have driven to his area. Most of the time, if a woman is not interested, she's more likely to offer to pay for her half. Because she doesn't want to owe the guy anything.

 

 

Your post contradicts itself.

[mtber75]

How entitled are women these days! You demand to be tried equal. Yet you get all emotional when a man does so by not paying for your food?

OK I do think this guy is a cheapo! But calling him out on it is pretty over the top! He did apologize! I think you should apologize. Maybe he lost his job or something. No way to treat him like a free meal ticket!

[somedude81]

The whole making a fake offer to pay charade needs to stop. It's absolutely pointless.

 

Just imagine a guy offering to open the car door for the woman and then he walks to the door, doesn't touch it and then walks around the car to the driver door. At least he offered to open the door for her, right?

[somedude81]

TOTALLY rigid and controlling.

 

Don't you just hate those chivalrous guys who insist on paying for a first date?! UGH! No wonder I'm still single!

 

:rolleyes:

 

Insisting on paying isn't chivalry. It's controlling and treating women like property.

[veggirl]

 

After we ate, the check came and he picked it right up. He went: "what was up with you offering to pay earlier?"

 

I responded: "I always offer, it's the right thing to do."

 

He said: "I asked you out. I pay. If a guy ever takes money from you he's cheap. And if he's cheap on a first date, he's going to be cheap always."

 

That all just sounds like a cheeseball line he used to score points with you. I mean what's so shocking about a woman offering to pay her own way, are you the first date that's done that with him or something? he sounds full of crap tbh.

[mightycpa]

I can hear it now....

 

WAITRESS : I hope everything was to your satisfaction. Just let me know when you're ready, and I'll take this up.

 

HIM : Yes, everything was great. Thank you.

 

HER : Thanks for dinner. You don't have to pay the whole thing, I'm happy to split it with you.

 

HIM : No, that's ok.

 

HER : I insist.

 

HIM : Well, if you insist...

 

HER : Wrong answer!

[bluesgirl]

Holy shinto! This thread has got a lot of responses! I don't have time to respond to everyone so i'm just going to say all opinions are appreciated, even though some of you are a little more harsh than others. Anyways, I don't really have much else to say about the topic, so...have a good day peeps!