liel Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 (edited) I like my bf a lot but I don't know if I'm in love with him. I'm attracted to him on many levels and I like spending time with him, but I've also been wondering about how compatible we are on long term basis. This is my first serious long term relationship so I don't really have any experience to base myself on. We come from rather different background and I wonder if we're compatible in terms of mentality and views towards dating and relationship. I'm more conservative/traditional while he's more liberal... The money is somewhat of an issue in the dating process. I grew up in a culture where guys always foot the bill (even when the girl is just a friend without romantic interest, going dutch is just badly looked upon). But we mostly just go dutch when we go out. I don't want him to foot all the bills, but being influenced by my culture, I'd rather take turns paying and that he'd at least offer to take my bill, especially when we're out with other couples and that the other bfs take the bill for their gfs. I'm not sure if it's a difference in mentality or a sign that he's cheap. And while I'm somewhat ok with splitting bills now I'm wondering if it'll stay that way even if the relationship gets deeper (say if we live together). In the same vein, I feel like he's not as caring and as chivalrous. Again, it's perhaps more of a personal preference, but he never offers to help me out with difficulties I've mentioned, though he'd be happy to help if he could and if I ask. He doesn't do the extra effort to take care of me, and mostly let me be when we're not together. There's also the small things like opening the door, give me his coat if I'm cold etc... But he does pay attention to me when I'm with him. It's just that it doesn't seem to be in his nature to take care of me. I understand that all these are not standards and are probably pretty old fashioned notions, but it does show the difference in culture and mentality between us. I know that what I'm complaining about is probably mostly personal preference/opinion and is not necessarily a show of his character, but it's bothering me now and I don't know if I'm able to accept that/find a middle ground where I'm happy. And as I don't have any previous relationship to base myself on, I can't yet tell if these are going to be deal breakers or not. But I feel that these issues might come between my feelings for him if it's not resolved. My question is that should I stick in the relationship and see how things work out or just let it go while we're not too attached yet? I don't want to give up someone great otherwise just because I think maybe he doesn't share the same mentality now but I don't want to spend years with someone and decide that I can't build a life with him long term. Edited September 8, 2014 by liel
Adele0908 Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 You might have to teach him how to treat you. He probably is only doing this because he thinks that you're okay with it. So you will have to step up and take charge of how you want to be treated. Not in an aggressive way, but in a polite but firm way. Whenever he does things that you like, show your appreciation and gratitude. So he knows that he's doing the right thing. Ask him directly to open the door for you. Say "Will you please open the door for me?" "Will you give me your coat, I'm cold?" etc. Then act super happy and pleased afterward so he sees that doing these things makes you happy. Next time you guys go out, say you forgot your money or you don't have enough and will he please pay. Then smile and act really happy for the rest of the evening after he pays, so he will be encouraged to keep paying. This may seem like a passive or manipulative approach but it's more like catching bees with honey. If you just complain to him and nag him, he won't change. I would say try this before breaking up with him, because maybe you just need to learn how to ask for what you need. If you dump him you may end up in the exact same situation with another guy.
Author liel Posted September 8, 2014 Author Posted September 8, 2014 He does do what I want if I ask him. But if I just mentioned a certain problem or difficulty in passing, he wouldn't offer to help, which is what I want him to do. My family and some of my friends thinks that the fact that he doesn't go that extra leg to care for me means that he doesn't truly care for me and doesn't really love me, because he isn't putting my needs before his. And likewise for the money, because he thinks as us being separate rather than a couple... I'm not sure if they're right or if it's just a different approach to dating and relationship. And if it's a question of mentality, can it be worked around (again my friends' experience is that it might just end up a failed relationship because Asian and American culture on dating is too different) or should I just find someone who shares the same mentality towards dating than me.
BluEyeL Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 You didn't mention how long have you been dating. IMO, he just shows you who he is. It is not in his nature to be caring. It's not a mentality thing, it's his personality and character. You cannot ask him to change. If you do, he'll change for a short while just for you, but then he'll reverse back to his ways. I would advise you to imagine yourself married to him, and how would his ways translate into your home life 5 or 10 years down the road. If you like what you see, stay, but if you want someone who would go out of his way to help his wife probably is time to let him go and look for someone else, because you two are not compatible. 1
Author liel Posted September 8, 2014 Author Posted September 8, 2014 (edited) We've only been together for 6 months. Thing is, before I started this relationship, I had imagined myself be OK with the "American" way, but now that I'm dating for real I'm discovering that some Asian ideas stuck with me more than I thought. And when we're together alone, I'm happy. It's more when he wouldn't go the extra effort to come and help me if I don't ask. And I feel sometimes his friends are more chivalrous than he is. Also the money is an issue as I described. I'm just wondering if it's too early to decide that he's not for me... Maybe down the road we'd end up finding a middle ground by adapting to each other. That we split the bills now doesn't mean that once were married we won't combine our finances no? Edited September 8, 2014 by liel
smackie9 Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 This is what dating is all about. To see if they fulfill your expectations....he doesn't so you shouldn't proceed any further. No one should have to put that much effort in correcting their partners behavior...that would turn into a mother/child relationship (mother teaching a child). I agree with the above poster, you two are not compatible.
smackie9 Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 We've only been together for 6 months. Thing is, before I started this relationship, I had imagined myself be OK with the "American" way, but now that I'm dating for real I'm discovering that some Asian ideas stuck with me more than I thought. And when we're together alone, I'm happy. It's more when he wouldn't go the extra effort to come and help me if I don't ask. And I feel sometimes his friends are more chivalrous than he is. Also the money is an issue as I described. I'm just wondering if it's too early to decide that he's not for me... Maybe down the road we'd end up finding a middle ground by adapting to each other. That we split the bills now doesn't mean that once were married we won't combine our finances no? Now you are just making excuses. What you have descibed is not unrealistic expectations on your part. 6 months in and nothing have changed. It's not a cultural thing. Most women world wide expect a man to put effort into impressing his lady to show he is reliable, responsible, and strong enough to be a good supporter to raise children and provide a comfortable life. This is your first and it shouldn't be your last, you need to get some experience so you know who you want to spend the rest of your life with. Take it from a married woman of 25 years, you want sucess, you need to never settle for less or you are just wasting your time. Right now you are wasting your time. 1
BluEyeL Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 We've only been together for 6 months. Thing is, before I started this relationship, I had imagined myself be OK with the "American" way, but now that I'm dating for real I'm discovering that some Asian ideas stuck with me more than I thought. And when we're together alone, I'm happy. It's more when he wouldn't go the extra effort to come and help me if I don't ask. And I feel sometimes his friends are more chivalrous than he is. Also the money is an issue as I described. I'm just wondering if it's too early to decide that he's not for me... Maybe down the road we'd end up finding a middle ground by adapting to each other. That we split the bills now doesn't mean that once were married we won't combine our finances no? This is not the "American way". It's just his way. Plenty of Americans are exactly like you want. Doesn't have as much to do with culture as with his character. Culture is an excuse and it's false. 1
Author liel Posted September 8, 2014 Author Posted September 8, 2014 So it's not unreasonable to expect my bf to take the initiative to help me/take care of me when I have a problem *without* me having to ask him? And I should give up now rather than see how I feel about the relationship? Should I at least talk to him about this?
BluEyeL Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 It's your life, your call. You are the one who has to decide what can you live with long term. We're just telling you that it's not a cultural issue, it's a character/personality trait and it's not going to go away.
Author liel Posted September 8, 2014 Author Posted September 8, 2014 Ok, I understand. One more question though, would talking about my expectations help? Especially in term of money issue?
mightycpa Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 Ok, I understand. One more question though, would talking about my expectations help? Especially in term of money issue? I see three possibilities: 1) He agrees to take care of you and foot the bills for you. 2) He tells you that he doesn't want to date a mooch, love it or leave it. 3) He changes for a while, drawing you in closer, but eventually he resents it, and dumps you because he realizes he'll never change you. I guess that would help you.
Author liel Posted September 8, 2014 Author Posted September 8, 2014 I don't want him to foot all the bills. I just want to take turn paying rather that split the bill down to the middle. But yes, if he gives me a definite answer, that would help me to see that there's no middle ground to be gained.
smackie9 Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 I don't want him to foot all the bills. I just want to take turn paying rather that split the bill down to the middle. But yes, if he gives me a definite answer, that would help me to see that there's no middle ground to be gained. Communication is always required if what a relationship to work...never assume.
mightycpa Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 I don't want him to foot all the bills. I just want to take turn paying rather that split the bill down to the middle. But yes, if he gives me a definite answer, that would help me to see that there's no middle ground to be gained. I realize that your hesitation goes beyond money. You want a guy who'll bring you soup and tissues when you're sick, who will volunteer to fix the faucet if it drips and who will go with you to the mechanic when your car needs to be fixed. You want somebody that is thoughtful. As suggested earlier, you may be dealing with a naturally selfish person, or you may be dealing with someone who wasn't trained by family to be thoughtful and nurturing, but who is perfectly willing and capable of such, if he is simply made aware. I was kinda like that, and I had this great girlfriend who helped me become aware, and improve in this respect. In many ways, she helped prepare me for marriage, and to be a good husband. Then I married a girl that I met when I was dating her. 1
Adele0908 Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 So it's not unreasonable to expect my bf to take the initiative to help me/take care of me when I have a problem *without* me having to ask him? And I should give up now rather than see how I feel about the relationship? Should I at least talk to him about this? Girl, yes it IS unreasonable. He cannot read your mind! And like I said before, "talking" to him won't change anything. You can't change anyone, only yourself. I honestly think your family and friends are filling your head with nonsense. It is NOT their business unless he is actively hurting you in some way. I don't know how old you are but in life you could have a perfectly decent relationship that goes downhill because a person decides to listen to meddling individuals, instead of working on the relationship themselves. Most of the time these people don't have a clue about working through challenges in relationships. Because relationships will have challenges no matter what. Now maybe you are just not feeling this guy, and if that's the case then it's understandable that you want to leave, and I would say do so. But if this the only problem and you actually like him, then there is a chance it could be worked through. So then it would be best to stop pointing fingers and blaming him and see if there is something about you that you could stand to work on. Maybe your confidence, trust, attitude or something. I read a book about this subject, it was called Change Your Man. I'm reading it again right now.
Author liel Posted September 8, 2014 Author Posted September 8, 2014 Thanks. I'm not really blaming him. Even if I guess it came across this way. I understand that it is the way he is. Perhaps my standard comes from the fact that a lot of Asian guys in my life are trained to behave more caring and take initiative. Logically I know that it's nit picking and not so much important issues but there was some family pressure and insecurities in work. And I'm not good at communicating my needs so I'll work on that. Maybe I can work with telling him what I want him to do rather than just to expect it.
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