Did I make a mistake sending this email to my ex during NC?

[wineflower]

I'm hoping someone can give me some insight on my ex girlfriend's behaviour, because I can't wrap my head around it.

 

Me and my girlfriend were together for almost 3 years (I'll also mention that I'm female as well). She suffered from severe depression on and off during our relationship. I was there for her during these dark times, doing whatever I could to be helpful and supportive, despite her frequently getting mad at me over small things and lashing out. We lived together for 6 months before she ended things (while we were on vacation of all things), saying that we had grown to become incompatible, she had fallen out of love with me, and things simply weren't working. By this time I was exhausted from caring for her and while I was heartbroken at being dumped and losing her, I just tried to be as understanding as possible regarding her decision.

 

Things were awkward for a few weeks but we kept in communication. I moved out. But then a few weeks later, I lost my job. I told her about it and I think she felt truly sorry for me, because I was a wreck. She invited me over to get my mind off things and watch a show together the next day, which I appreciated.

 

Midway through our hangout however, her mood suddenly changed and she abruptly said she was tired and asked me to leave. Instinctively, I got upset and defensive that she would so rudely ask me to leave after all the things I had done for her while we had been together. I didn't leave for a good hour...I stood my ground and tried to explain how unfairly she was treating me. BAD mistake. It erupted into a huge argument, she was shrieking at me to leave, and she was LIVID... she deleted/blocked me from every social media site in existence from this point on. We went full NC from that time forward, only communicating to figure out when I could pick up my stuff. She ignored every apology that I sent to her. I tried to explain that I had acted out of character due to a) having been dumped; and b) having lost my job. I was hurting and I was sorry for overreacting. All of this, ignored.

 

Anyway, fast forward to tonight. I went over to her place (the place we once shared) to get my things. I happened to see her walking up the street as I drove there. I stopped the car and called her name. She ignored me. I called again and waved. She turned and looked at me with a look of utter hatred and fear. I was bit alarmed by this, so I waved to her and drove up to the building and waited for her. She never arrived. I texted her saying I'd wait in the car until she got into the building. Minutes later, as she approached my car, she put her hood over her head and *RAN* past me, as if scared for her life.

 

I texted her and asked why she was acting so scared. She responded saying that that one time I refused to leave her apartment, I had "traumatized" her, and she was now scared of me. What the hell? She continued to say that I was NOT allowed to park in front of the building ever again, and that I should never arrive early again. But almost immediately after this, she said this was the last time I'd be coming over and she didn't want to see me. She asked me to get my things (which were waiting for me outside the apartment door - she never allowed me into the apartment since this incident) and leave.

 

I'm in disbelief that someone I cared about so much - someone I made so many sacrifices for - is now *scared* of me. I've never laid a hand on her or hurt her in any way. Yes, I understand that I made a mistake that one time I didn't leave when asked. But it's not like I was waving a knife around the room and threatening her life. Is this guilt in disguise? Fear? Something else? This is her first breakup, and she's quite young, and I really don't know what to make of all this.

[Ordinaryday]

dude, here is the thing, you CAN'T CONTROL how other people feel or what they think.

 

if she is scared of you then that is a legit emotion REGARDLESS OF WHETHER IT HAS ANY GENUINE BASIS for the emotion.

 

but heres the thing.... if you constantly text her/call her/email her/whatever her to try and demonstrate how 'unscary' you are IT WILL HAVE THE OPPOSITE EFFECT ON HER, it will REINFORCE in her mind that you are a scary dude.

 

the ONLY way to show her that you are not 'scary' is to back off, completely leave her alone and dont contact her at all - this might show her that you respect her boundaries and are not gonna hassle her.

 

you cant control other peoples emotions or feelings. some of my exes think HORRIBLY of me and I just learned to accept it.

[mtnbiker3000]

OP is a female...

[Ordinaryday]

OP is a female...

 

well the advice still applies, just switches the gender pronouns.

[wineflower]

Yeah, I have been leaving her alone..and I understand that I can't change how she feels. It's just weird and I'm wondering if anyone else has dealt with this, that's all.

[josephrm]

I know you don't want to hear this but, it sounds like there's another person involved and maybe moved into that apartment. Think about it.. She looked frightened because you were driving towards the place. She ran past you because she wanted to get in the place and warn someone before you found out or knocked on the door. Your stuff was put outside so you wouldn't see the belongings of someone else inside. I can be wrong but that's what it sounds like. She had no excuse when you questioned her so she said something ridiculous like being scared of you to cover up what is really happening.

[wineflower]

Yeah, maybe. But I think if she had found someone else she wouldn't find it necessary to act like this around me.

[mtnbiker3000]

You'd be surprised. When people are in a pickle or about to be caught, they act all kinds of funny

 

Sounds like someone else to me as well...

[lil hoodlum]

I have to agree with the others, sounds like a third party is involved.

 

Blindsided breakup with no warning signs during a long-term relationship usually means someone else has entered the picture. Couple that with how she was "acting" sounds like she didn't want you to find out something or someone.

 

 

So sorry that you are having to go through this, I know how painfull it is. Try to pick up the pieces and move on from this.

[lil hoodlum]

Did she ever try to explain how the two of you "grew to be incompatible"?

[wineflower]

I don't mean to sound argumentative, but I really doubt it's someone else. For the simple fact that if it was, I think she would've mentioned it - if not to make her behaviour make sense (i.e. "I've found someone else go away"), but as another way to take an emotional "jab" at me, which is what she's already doing. Also, she showed up in my okcupid search results yesterday and her status is single. While we've had our difficulties, the one thing I will give her is that she's always been *honest*. She would never hide something like this out of fear of me overreacting. It also sounds kind of soon for her to have found a new girlfriend, let alone to move in with her...it's been a month since this incident occurred.

 

I didn't mention that she had broken up with me twice before the final breakup, each time feeling guilty and taking me back when I had a breakdown after she ended things. She struggled to permanently break it off the third time but seemed committed to not changing her mind again.

 

We "fell apart" because sometime during her depression, when she was treating me like **** (to put it bluntly) I felt hopeless/confused and unloved, and started harmlessly flirting with another girl online. The flirting was meaningless - I never slept with this girl or anything and I had no intention to. I owned up to my mistake, tried over 6 months to make things better between us, but she simply could not forget what I had done... although she said she had forgiven me. She tried very hard to love me again, but her love for me had fizzled away with time. Even after this incident she swore we'd always remain friends after breaking up, so I struggle to understand why she flew of the deep end that one time I didn't give her space.

 

My friends have said that this is her way of hiding guilt for breaking up with me, and as a form of control. seeing me is too hurtful because she knows how much I did for her during our time together and she feels bad. She doesn't know how to process her feelings so she turns them into anger.

Edited August 14, 2014 by wineflower

[Zzyxx]

Wow. It literally sounds like I could have written this about my ex gf. All but her being scared of me, so here is my take on it.

 

I don't think she is legitimately scared of you, I think some people just have THAT little self awareness. She probably feels guilty for dumping you, especially when you stood by her during her depression, and she doesn't have the emotional intelligence or self awareness to deal with her guilt, so she just acts like a crazy person. My ex is doing the same thing to some degree. She is making up false reasons that are untrue about why she dumped me to mutual friends, cause she knows the real reason makes her look less than stellar (she also dumped me after I helped her through a rough patch in her life). She's never had any self awareness or willingness to admit she has problems, so that's just how she deals with things. You've said that your ex is young and also has some issues, so this is probably just a red herring issue that makes it easier for her to deal with herself. By convincing herself (if she really has convinced herself and it isn't just an act) she's scared of you, she gets to feel legit about all of this.

[wineflower]

Thanks for the input. I know I did something seriously wrong and inappropriate - emotionally cheating, then refusing to leave her home. She asked me to leave her place and I didn't. I should have. It made her feel scared and frightened. I feel so stupid for doing this.

 

I know this doesn't justified what I did, but I was really suffering from having been dumped AND losing my job, and I didn't know who else to go to except her. So to have her tell me to leave just tipped me over the edge.

 

It's not like I've been stalking her, or randomly showing up, or pestering her since this whole thing went down. I just went to get my stuff.

 

I hope she'll come around with time. I've never had such an awful breakup before.

[Ronni_W]

She asked me to leave her place and I didn't. I should have. It made her feel scared and frightened.

You said that she is quite young and this is her first break-up. So...first, it may be that she is confusing a temporary scary/frightening experience with you as something MUCH more than just the in-the-heat-of-the-moment incident that it truly was.

 

That is, her perspective is out of whack...but...perhaps also influenced by just all the general, negative news and stories about exes who become stalkers, violent, etc. (Sometimes how we've processed such things are unconscious but become evident when they manifest sideways, as in this case of her over-reacting.)

 

Again...it could so much less about you than just her own not yet being able to process "adult" things in a fully adult way. (Not that she's not mature, only that she's yet lacking life and, or relationship experience and can't yet put her own stuff in best, proper, accurate context.)

 

Regardless, it does suck how things have turned out. You are to be commended for having stuck with her through her difficult times...that takes all kinds of love and courage and a big dose of caring, selflessness!

 

Hugs and best.

[wineflower]

My girlfriend broke up with me 2 months ago after a 3 year relationship. During our relationship I cared for her profusely, helping her through terrible depression which lasted almost a year. It was an ugly breakup and she harbored anger towards me for even though she was the one that did the breaking up. Since then I have been leaving her alone minus the times we've been communicating about getting each other's stuff back. I have always been friendly and cordial in my emails to her.

 

After we broke up, I lost my job. But I recently found a new job through a mutual friend. I didn't mention this to my ex since we're in NC. However, this morning I woke up to an email where my ex is tearing me a new one, saying "Well it didn't take you long to find another job did it?", and then she talks about how I'm a horrible person, and ends saying that I am never allowed to see her again, and that I am no one to her.

 

Can someone please explain this reaction? Why has me getting a new job angered her like this? I'm really upset because we went through so much together and said we'd always be friends after NC. And yes, I know I should just forget it and move on. I'm going to. This behaviour just confuses me.

[CarrieT]

Forget it and move on.

 

If you are done exchanging all the "stuff," there is no reason to continue having any contact.

 

In fact, if there is still "stuff" to be exchanged, do it through a mutual friend and go 100% No Contact.

[Mary Oak]

I doesn't matter why she did it. You are right to forget it and move on.

 

Her reasoning is probably selfish as she is jealous you are doing so well without her.

[wineflower]

I still have some of her stuff, which I offered to mail to her yesterday. We were in communication yesterday and everything was fine. She never responded about whether she wants me to mail her stuff back, so I guess I just have to do that.

[Emilia]

Maybe her depression is back. If she has such bad mental health issues, you can't really expect much consistency.

[AltiumV]

hey buddy.

 

I recently broke up with my ex after 3 years, i believe she has a mixture of various psychological problems and she was also someone who has frequent anxiety and depression, disassociate disorder maybe bipolar you name it i think she had them all.

 

i apologize if my views about your ex are bias and one sided, as i am basing them on my experience with my ex who cheated on me and did the same thing, understanding that your ex may have psychological problems that may require therapy, this display of explosive emails is what i perceive as "narcissistic", i was abused for being in the wrong over so many things which she felt it was necessary to shift blame towards me to relief herself, in your case maybe releasing anger makes her feel better or perhaps you did something that has truly anger'd her.

 

Through many of my breakup experiences i notice that girls seem to harbor alot of resent and anger during the break-up process, this email is no surprise and in most cases it is what has happened to me.

 

in a nutshell its best not to fuel her by responding, stick with no contact. maybe after a week of no contact she will call you crying and wanting to reconcile, for some reason it ALWAYS happens with these types of girls i have no idea why perhaps it has something to do with emotional attachment and the fear of neglect.

 

Once again my views are based on past experiences, i do not know your ex so don't take this response personally, just allow her space + no contact and don't fuel it.

[wineflower]

AltiumV: thanks man. Appreciate it. I think you hit the nail on the head with some of your points.

 

The more I read about narcissistic people, the more she fits the description. Since we dated she has always overreacted about small things I did wrong.

For example, I got upset and angry when she dumped me and she got mad that I was angry and expressing myself. It's like I'm not allowed to have a bad reaction or be a human being.

[AltiumV]

reading your post reminded me of a dozen things my ex did, apparently i was "using her" when i let her move in with me, apparently i "forced her to" when she asked me if she could, she even quit job and then told me it was my fault because i told her to leave if she is not happy there (these people seem to complain about anything/anyone) "so and so called me this and made me stay behind extra 15 minutes without pay" etc...

 

Remember that narcissist have "lack of empathy" which means they still do have emotions/feelings, they say things before considering the impact of there words on others. so make sure you go easy on her, understand she may have problems and do not emotionally respond to fuel it, she will either cry or go even more crazy.

 

Take it easy buddy.

[SycamoreCircle]

Much of your story jives with what happened to my relationship.

 

In my case there was someone else. I discovered this through snooping her e-mail. Her behavior had become very similar to what you've described about your ex. Fear, avoidance, anger, suspicion. It was like a different person. Behind my back she slandered me to her family and friends. When I blew the whole thing open by sending an e-mail to her family and friends, including excerpts from her vicious e-mails, sex-speak with the OM along with dates arranged, she responded even more angrily and made it very clear that she was "scared" of me.

 

This infantile response along with her malicious lies, deceit, and lack of empathy towards anyone(e.g. in our final week together I remember one night her harshly criticizing a couple sitting near us in a restaurant) put me on the scent of NPD. I began reading about Narcissistic Personality Disorder after several people suggested it might be involved. Her e-mails also indicated that she was secretly battling with depression. Figure into that how she'd always been excessively prideful, unable to laugh at herself and coddled by her mother and you've got the makings of a potent cocktail. She, like your ex, was very young and we lived together.

[AltiumV]

hello,

 

im starting to think theres a link between bad upbringings/daddy issues with girls and narcissistic personality disorders, all stories i read on this site relationships are going well then the girl starts accusing of cheating or belittling/disrespecting and in the end another guy is involved, its painful when i use to talk to my ex her lack of care/consideration, in a period of a few days/weeks i became "just another ex", it was as if i served no purpose or that i was a object. you try to reason with the NPD and they take it offensively or that you're picking on them. they interprets things incorrectly and have a compulsive need to lie and shift blame. its sad to hear these stories honestly you would think after a long relationship they would just show alittle respect and move on, not belittle and feel immense pleasure off it....

[wineflower]

Me and my ex of 3 years broke up 2 months ago. She broke up with me and I got mad as a result, and she took my reaction and turned herself into the victim... telling me to stay away from her and that I'm never going to be her friend ever again.

 

I sent an email to her yesterday after we've been strictly NC, with the occasional email to discuss getting back each other's stuff. Given the horrific things she said to me post breakup, I just wanted some clarification:

 

I asked if she would prefer it if I avoided certain social events we both used to frequent, so that our chances of running into each other was low. I also asked what she wanted me to do if we happened to see each other (i.e. am I allowed to say hi or are we pretending we never knew one another?). I concluded by saying I was only asking so that I could be respectful/mindful of her needs, which is the truth.

 

I haven't received a reply and I'm ok if she chooses not to, but I now feel idiotic for breaking NC and even asking this stuff. Should I have just kept quiet? My motivation for asking was to avoid a scene incase we do see each other.