mish2104 Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 I've been dating, different guys for a couple of years now. Recently single again after a 10 year marriage. All my dating experiences seem to end the same way.. We have a great couple of weeks together and then I'm told the same thing over and over again. That is "I'm not developing feelings for you. You're a great and beautiful person but I'm not falling in love with you." Every time I get the same response. I don't understand it. A person can only hear that so many times before they start thinking that there is something wrong with them. That's how I feel at this point. I'm a fun, easy going, caring person. I think I'm pretty cute and would make a great partner for someone. But it seems that there is something about me that prevents men from feeling for me or falling in love with me. With the current guy I'm dating, there has been a lot of back and forth with us. We dated for a few weeks, stopped for a couple of months but remained friends and a few weeks ago, started seeing each other again. He told me today, that he enjoys spending time with me and thinks I'm a great and beautiful person but he feels that I have stronger feelings for him than he does for me. I do really like him and out of everyone that I've dated I like him the most and feel most connected with him. So, yes I admit to having feeling for him but I'm not "in love" with him but I can see myself loving him in the future. I also know there a lot of confusion and prior damage that may be preventing him from feeling for someone. But I just don't know what to do. Can anyone offer some advise? Has anyone else experience this?
smackie9 Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 Listen to what he is saying. What he just told you is key to the reason why these other guys have bailed on you....you are too eager, needy or clingy. 2
mightycpa Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 All my dating experiences seem to end the same way.. We have a great couple of weeks together and then I'm told the same thing over and over again. That is "I'm not developing feelings for you. You're a great and beautiful person but I'm not falling in love with you." Every time I get the same response. I don't understand it. ... Has anyone else experience this? You are doing exactly the right thing. It is very unreasonable to expect that anybody will develop feelings for somebody else after a couple of weeks. Have you developed feelings for everyone by the time they told you that? Some people confuse having a good time and liking somebody with developing genuine feelings. Those people probably end up here. Love is rare. Most people will love only a handful of times in their entire life. Most people are not for you. That's why you are doing the right thing by dating around and dating a lot. It is a great learning experience, and it maximizes your chances for long term happiness. Don't worry about these responses. Be grateful that you're dating people who aren't clinging on to somebody just because they had a couple of dates. Just keep on keeping on, and stop looking. You'll never find love if you go looking for it. Just be the best mish2104 you can be, and love will find you. 1
smackie9 Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 Or it's possible they find you boring, don't have enough sex appeal. The first few weeks there should be sexual tension, desire, passion, flirting, sexual innuendo, being mysterious, looking sexy....all that really hits home for a guy.
smackie9 Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 (edited) You are doing exactly the right thing. It is very unreasonable to expect that anybody will develop feelings for somebody else after a couple of weeks. Have you developed feelings for everyone by the time they told you that? Some people confuse having a good time and liking somebody with developing genuine feelings. Those people probably end up here. Love is rare. Most people will love only a handful of times in their entire life. Most people are not for you. That's why you are doing the right thing by dating around and dating a lot. It is a great learning experience, and it maximizes your chances for long term happiness. Don't worry about these responses. Be grateful that you're dating people who aren't clinging on to somebody just because they had a couple of dates. Just keep on keeping on, and stop looking. You'll never find love if you go looking for it. Just be the best mish2104 you can be, and love will find you. I agree that dating is the way to weed out what you don't want, and it keeps you out there living life til the right one comes along BUT most people know by the second or third date if they don't feel anything. For the OP, it's 2 (great) weeks+ and the guy is just figuring this out? I call it BS. Guys don't invest that kind of time into someone they don't like. We are not talking about love, we are talking about the desire to continue into relationship. Obviously there is something there at the beginning that keeps them coming back, but to be constantly told the exactly the same thing, there is something there that needs to be addressed. Like I said, her new interest, gave her a clue, and I feel she should at least looking into it rather than dismiss it and hope for the best. Edited September 7, 2014 by smackie9
mightycpa Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 Guys don't invest that kind of time into someone they don't like. We are not talking about love, we are talking about the desire to continue into relationship. Right. Sure we invest that kind of time, to give things a chance. Two weeks might only be two dates, or three. Or, she might be a fun person to go out with, even though there's no real spark. She could be very interesting, or they're intrigued, and open to the possibility that it might lead to more. Plus, I've always given some allowance for the awkwardness you feel on some first or second dates, where it takes you a while to get comfortable with some people. Even the ones who don't work out can be a great source for meeting new people, for both parties. It is worth the investment in time, even if you're not particularly interested in this one. That's another reason to stick it out for a while. That said, it would probably be helpful to write down the major points of each "see ya" speech, and determine if there is some common thread. But I doubt you'd learn much from somebody who barely knows you.
GemmaUK Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 I agree that dating is the way to weed out what you don't want, and it keeps you out there living life til the right one comes along BUT most people know by the second or third date if they don't feel anything. For the OP, it's 2 (great) weeks+ and the guy is just figuring this out? I call it BS. Guys don't invest that kind of time into someone they don't like. We are not talking about love, we are talking about the desire to continue into relationship. Obviously there is something there at the beginning that keeps them coming back, but to be constantly told the exactly the same thing, there is something there that needs to be addressed. Like I said, her new interest, gave her a clue, and I feel she should at least looking into it rather than dismiss it and hope for the best. I agree. If something continually happens to you then the common denominator is yourself so it's worth questioning. Why were you and that guy on and off OP? Was there any reason for that?
WesternWizard Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 Not everyone is able to have the hots for everyone else. Simple as that.
Author mish2104 Posted September 7, 2014 Author Posted September 7, 2014 That's just it! I'm not a needy\clingy. I want to take things slow. It takes me more then a couple dates to determine if I'm in love with someone. That being said, I have developed feelings of caring and wanting to get to know him better. I really don't know here! It's been so long since I've been dating and the rejection does affect myself worthiness.
Author mish2104 Posted September 7, 2014 Author Posted September 7, 2014 There's really no direct reason, just that they are not developing feelings or falling in love with me. I ask for details but none of them have been able to give me any.
mightycpa Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 This: That's just it! I'm not a needy\clingy. I want to take things slow. It takes me more then a couple dates to determine if I'm in love with someone. is belied by this: That being said, I have developed feelings of caring and wanting to get to know him better. after only a couple of dates? So, are you talking about in general, or is it really because of the latest guy? Because there's a big difference. the rejection does affect myself worthiness. A simple attitude adjustment is in order. As a single man, in those times when I could get new date after new date after new date, I was in heaven. I loved that. It was fun and exciting, and I was having a great time. But I wasn't "looking for" something more. I just wanted to date girls I was attracted to. Whatever came of it, then that was fine. It was nice to have a full pipeline. But, if you're dating because you're looking for "The One", that is a surefire recipe for unhappiness. He may come along, and you won't be in the right frame of mind to recognize him. He may not like the side of you that you show, all because you're on some love quest. I think it would be helpful for you to become happy with just yourself. It is not easy to do, but like so many things that are hard, it is the right thing to do.
isisisweeping Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 I'd help, but.... you and me both, sister. I've made a lot of friends, I guess.
Priv Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 There's really no direct reason, just that they are not developing feelings or falling in love with me. I ask for details but none of them have been able to give me any. You say yourself you were not in love with them either, even the one you like best except the vague feeling you might be able to in the future. So I am with smackie that there is the possibility that you are not creating passion and a spark. It all sounds very reserved which kills the romance. You are keeping your head too much I think.
preraph Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 You are going to have to learn to discipline yourself to not expect too much too soon. Seriously, nothing will run a man off faster than acting over invested too soon. Some reasons why: Makes you seem desperate Makes you seem like you are easy and fall for guys before you even know them Seems pushy to guys because they think they get to set the pace (unfair, yes) Guys want to view the woman they will get serious about as a prize (unfair, yes) Guys want to think they're dating a level above their normal league. Can't do that if you're too eager. Few guys are a good match for a 24/7 clingy person Few guys want to be kept tabs on Few guys want to report in like a child and if they do, they will be married first. Many guys have no intention whatever of falling in love, so they don't want you to. They don't want to feel obligated. They know clingyness leads to whining They know whining leads to fighting They know the whole mess leads to them having to watch you cry when they dump you. So get a grip. Feel whatever you want, but remember a guy is on his best behavior in the beginning and hiding bad behavior, so it's not a good idea to seek commitment too fast or you'll end up committed to someone you don't even know. 1
Author mish2104 Posted September 7, 2014 Author Posted September 7, 2014 I agree. If something continually happens to you then the common denominator is yourself so it's worth questioning. Why were you and that guy on and off OP? Was there any reason for that? He broke it off he gave me two reasons... 1. That we were too different. Which I find hard to believe. 2. That I wasn't as "open and talkative" as he was hoping. Again, hard to believe. He later stated that he felt that he wasn't ready to be dating and that's why he stopped. He is just coming out of a long marriage himself.
mightycpa Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 He broke it off he gave me two reasons... 1. That we were too different. Which I find hard to believe. 2. That I wasn't as "open and talkative" as he was hoping. Again, hard to believe. He later stated that he felt that he wasn't ready to be dating and that's why he stopped. He is just coming out of a long marriage himself. As a wise man once said: But I doubt you'd learn much from somebody who barely knows you.
smackie9 Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 I think he was looking for someone like his wife (subconsciously) which is understandable, that is why he married her in the first place....sometimes people get stuck on that when fresh out of a breakup/divorce. Some people need more time to separate themselves from what was, and adjust to life out of a marriage. If he isn't ready that means he is probably open to just casual dating to fill in the void. It's a difficult transition from being with someone, to being with no one.
smackie9 Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 It's all trial and error. You can just enjoy his company for now and put the expectations of commitment away. Let things develop on their own. If you become not on the same page, move on.
BluEyeL Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 Even if you say that "I'm not needy/clingy", you most likely give off a vibe of neediness/moving too fast/being too mushy. No guy talked to me about 'love' after only 2-3 weeks. Only the fact that they mention 'falling in love' makes me think that this is what they see in you, this more sentimental woman that they could get stuck with. If you want to do better in dating, first work on your self esteem. Go to therapy, read self-help books (I recommend Wayne Dyer's books), meditate... and expect the process to take a while, and only if you work at it. If you project confidence, nobody will tell you again that "they are not falling in love". Give men space and give them time to come into their feelings. Do not chase, do not beg, do not complain, don't talk about being hurt, don't show your weaknesses etc. There is a lot of work you need to do. You should maybe get a dating coach, I think you need one. I worked with Ronnie Ann Ryan. She's not too expensive and she's great.
Zippy2000 Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 That's just it! I'm not a needy\clingy. I want to take things slow. It takes me more then a couple dates to determine if I'm in love with someone. That being said, I have developed feelings of caring and wanting to get to know him better. I really don't know here! It's been so long since I've been dating and the rejection does affect myself worthiness. "I want to take things slow"? Could it be that your not communicating on time or being elusive? Being so might let the man think youre not interested. This is just a opinion. How are meeting these men? Online? How many men have you dated? 1
travelbug1996 Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 Are these dates actually being initiated by the men?? Are they the ones calling you and expressing an interest or vice versa. When a woman is taking the lead in the courting process she puts herself at a disadvantage because even though he goes along, she won't know if its something he would have done on his own.
smackie9 Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 Are these dates actually being initiated by the men?? Are they the ones calling you and expressing an interest or vice versa. When a woman is taking the lead in the courting process she puts herself at a disadvantage because even though he goes along, she won't know if its something he would have done on his own. No different when a guy keeps initiating, he puts himself at a disadvantage too. But this isn't always the case....we have a thread on here where the woman kept initiating the dates, then she went cold on the guy. Now he is freaking out waiting for her to call him back for weeks.
mightycpa Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 The power of least interest always has the upper hand.
Adele0908 Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 I am sorry you are going through this because I know how painful rejection is. I have been in this position before, of falling for someone really fast and being kicked to the curb. Looking back, I was trying to fill a void with someone. I was going through some painful situations and trying to escape them through a relationship. People can sense this. You may not think you are needy, but perhaps the men can sense that you are looking for something. My suggestion is to find ways to fulfill yourself outside of dating and relationships. You can still date, but find some hobbies you enjoy if you don't have some already. You don't have to deny that you want a man but you can still be open to a man while doing other things that you enjoy. It actually took some real soul-searching for me to stop being needy. I'm talking a real in-depth look at myself, my beliefs, and my spirituality. I used books, articles, videos, prayer. I still feel needy sometimes but I have a technique now to stop it. And that guy that ran away from me initially because I was so insecure and needy...he came back. 1
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