TellyallthatIhave Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 I'm in a LDR, i have been for 12 yrs. She lives in the US and i live in England. I'm divorced and she is still married. Cirumstances, ie young families have kept us apart for all this time, even though i have been over there almost every year for the last 7 yrs. i have been a secret for almost all that time. still am. i can't call her except at work so not for long, i can't email work, I can't send gifts and the only chance we get to talk is for a few minutes on the way back from work. it used to be everynight but now it is down to once a week if i am lucky. in fact i have resigned myself to her not calling so that if she does then i feel good, rather than the disappointment of waiting for her call then her not calling. she says she still wants me and i still want her, she told me to date other people but then called me crying and told me she didn't want that at all. it broke my heart to hear her upset. i get so lonely on my own, on an impulse i joined a dating site but i have not dated anyone, I click no at all the suggestions as i don't want to hurt anyone and I know that i would. i am almost 50 and the thought of dating fills me with dread. i am booked in for phsycotherapy at the end of the year because i have been diagnosed as emotionally unstable, so this type of relationship for me is par for the course. i don't know this relationship will pan out, i have my hopes and dreams but when have they ever come true? Except for Disney? i have no clue why I am posting this, i have no expectation of advice or anything. it just feels better to write it down thank you for reading
emi Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 You have been in LDR for 12 years? You talk with her once per week if you are ''lucky''? Shes still married? Oh wow man, this is so much wrong in the way i dont know where to start. I felt for you, being alone in this late year sucks and the feel starting over again from scratch is tiring for you, i get it but honestly do you see where this going? Im not going to judge, or i wanted to, i felt much sorry for you more than the need to condemn you dating a married woman, but the fact she only talks with you once per week means she doesnt give you the priority you deserve, you just like a shelter or an ''oasis in the desert of her stressing family life''. And calling you crying for fear you dating another woman is plan selfish. You deserve to be happy, you have reached the haft-part point of your life, its time to look for more stable thing, not this. She got a family, kids, job etc and you are empty-handed. Do you see the bad part of this if one day she want to end this relationship? And moreover, shes married, this is cheating, which is wrong. Dont do this in this kind of situation, its not worth it, considering its affecting your emotional health. Im glad you posted today. Im always here to help, even thought my input might not be appropriate
justwhoiam Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 i can't call her except at work so not for long, i can't email work, I can't send gifts and the only chance we get to talk is for a few minutes on the way back from work It seems to be very restrictive. Too restrictive. So what happens when you visit her? How can she spend time with you? It's like she gives you attention only when you're physically there where she lives. it used to be everynight but now it is down to once a week if i am lucky. Unacceptable. she says she still wants me and i still want her, she told me to date other people but then called me crying and told me she didn't want that at all. What's the plan here? Are you sure she doesn't want the thrill of a hidden lover and enjoying being with her husband too? Does she have sex with her husband? I click no at all the suggestions as i don't want to hurt anyone What's the agreement with her? To be an exclusive couple? If that's the case, you both need to behave like an exclusive couple. But she's not complying. i am almost 50 and the thought of dating fills me with dread. I hear ya. i am booked in for phsycotherapy at the end of the year because i have been diagnosed as emotionally unstable, so this type of relationship for me is par for the course. I'm not sure what you mean by 'this relationship is par for the course'. I guess after 12 years of that, anyone would feel down and unstable. i don't know this relationship will pan out, i have my hopes and dreams but when have they ever come true? Except for Disney? What does she say? Does she want to divorce? i have no clue why I am posting this, i have no expectation of advice or anything. it just feels better to write it down thank you for reading You're welcome. I think you feel unloved, and I can see why. Your relationship is very unbalanced, unstable and uncommitted. And it's a pretty bad combo altogether. You have been very patient, too patient. It looks like she might have been infatuated with you in the past, but she's not in love with you. Or not in love with you anymore. Of course it's not easy for her to let you go. After all these years, she doesn't want to lose you. But she's not putting any effort in the relationship and, for this reason alone, you should cut her off. 1
Natsu21 Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 Just wow. 12 years, dude. I don't even know what to say, except... Wow.
Author TellyallthatIhave Posted September 8, 2014 Author Posted September 8, 2014 Thanks for replying, I know what you are saying, logically it does not make any sense at all but I am attached to her emotionally. i keep thinking she is trying to dump me, and maybe she is. i am free to go out and date, I can do that if i want to, thing is i don't want to and so i am getting all that I deserve.
Author TellyallthatIhave Posted September 8, 2014 Author Posted September 8, 2014 It seems to be very restrictive. Too restrictive. So what happens when you visit her? How can she spend time with you? It's like she gives you attention only when you're physically there where she lives. When i visit, we see each other at lunchtimes if she has time through the week and occasionally for a couple of hours at weekends if she can get away. Unacceptable. What's the plan here? Are you sure she doesn't want the thrill of a hidden lover and enjoying being with her husband too? Does she have sex with her husband? no, she sleeps seperately and says they are like flatmates What's the agreement with her? To be an exclusive couple? If that's the case, you both need to behave like an exclusive couple. But she's not complying. I hear ya. I'm not sure what you mean by 'this relationship is par for the course'. I guess after 12 years of that, anyone would feel down and unstable. i mean that for someone emotionally unstable, this is the kind of reltionship that i am drawn to. in my life I have had ldr several times before.. What does she say? Does she want to divorce? she says she does but doesn't know if she is brave enough. You're welcome. I think you feel unloved, and I can see why. Your relationship is very unbalanced, unstable and uncommitted. And it's a pretty bad combo altogether. You have been very patient, too patient. It looks like she might have been infatuated with you in the past, but she's not in love with you. Or not in love with you anymore. Of course it's not easy for her to let you go. After all these years, she doesn't want to lose you. But she's not putting any effort in the relationship and, for this reason alone, you should cut her off. and there is the rub, i don't think I can. 1
Author TellyallthatIhave Posted September 8, 2014 Author Posted September 8, 2014 Just wow. 12 years, dude. I don't even know what to say, except... Wow. It has been a long 12 yrs but the last few have felt the longest
randomnerd Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 12 years is a long time. I don't think a standard LDR would be able to survive with such limitations and only once a week contact. Add that you're a secret lover on top of that and I don't see how this can survive. Your post title shows that you know that you deserve more. Of course she won't want to give you up. She gets to have her cake and eat it too. I know your heart is with her, but I think you have to let her go. It's not fair to yourself to stay with her. It will hurt now, but imagine another 5-10 years like this. I feel for you OP. Sorry you're going through this.
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