I am looking for ways to not go insane

[lamaga]

My wonderful boyfriend and me have been together for 9 months. There were many bumps along the way and yet here we are, having decided to stay together now that he has gone abroad for 5 months.

 

We already parted over the summer, but there were only a few hours between us and we were only apart for 5 weeks, then saw each other for 2 weeks, then were apart for 4 weeks, then saw each other for 2 days, said goodbye (worst day ever), and this is it.

 

Now he is in Asia and I am in Europe and he is 6 hours ahead, and it is freaking me out every day. It's been 9 days since we parted.

 

We have been some way or the other in touch every day, even if he only sent one text or one picture, or if we only talked for 5 minutes… Until yesterday, were we had a 1-hour Skype call that was rather awkward. He is still getting used to being there, he hasn't really realised yet what is happening, he said, that he is now on this great adventure… but it hasn't "hit him" yet. He told me he missed me after I had left last week but since then he's been seeming occupied with other things… So that reflected in the conversation. After all, I am the one stuck in the same routine, so I have more time to think (and I generally over think).

 

He is there with two of his friends, the two of them are best buddies though and sometimes he feels like the 5th wheel, he said. One of the guys is also in a relationship though, whilst the other guy is single and … honestly… always looking for the next chick he can bang. And then of course I hate the fact that the guys always hang out together. My boyfriend said he likes that his other friend (non-single guy) and him are both having girlfriends, so they can bond over that and the other friend (single guy) must find other guys to go chick-hunting with. He says such things to reassure me (he's not so sensible, really, but it's cute when he's trying to be). I know my boyfriend well. He is quite flirty, he loves attention from other women, and yes, this has bothered me in the past. But I have accepted it, because I know that at the same time he is super moral and has great principles. IF he'd ever cheat, he'd tell me, because he couldn't live with the guilt, but I know it would not even come this far. And funnily enough I am a similar type, so who am I to judge? When I go out, I "light up the room" as he said, and get hit on by guys and flirt. It's in our nature, we are like this, still, we seek a monogamous relationship.

 

I know he loves me, and even though I know that my boyfriend would not cheat on me, I am still so jealous and constantly thinking what he is doing and make little stories in my head of how he meets all these other women now… which is normal when one studies abroad… I mean, there is the introduction week, all the international students are meeting up via Facebook groups, hanging out, getting to know each other… It wouldn't bother me if I know I was there to relativize…

 

I don't act out my jealousy towards him. I am also not the one to contact him, I am seriously giving him all the space he needs, and since we parted it was always him initiating the contact. To be honest though, I have NO CLUE how to balance this. This has been a problem since day 1. I don't know if I should write to him at all. Maybe I want him to not worry about me, I mean, I am ok, I am not in bed crying all day or anything, I am doing what I need to do and meet people, prepare for classes to start, etc… But still, he is all I think about. So I play rare, I don't write him, I give him the space to settle in, and hope that he will come to me once it has 'hit him' and he wants to be talking/has more time to talk. I knew this would be difficult, I chose this for myself. I see this as a task to learn how to communicate with him in a way that makes us both happy. I see this as a test for our relationship, which is what it is.

 

We said we'll Skype again next Sunday, so one more week, and I wonder what can happen in this time. I really wish I wouldn't make myself go so crazy over this all the time. Everybody I talk to says they believe we will make it through, it's only 5 months, and when we first started dating we both wanted to break up once he leaves, but we have come so far and are in love now, so yeah, we decided to not give us up. I specifically asked him face to face on our last day together if he "really wanted to do this" and he made his decision. I told him I won't wait for him whilst he is unsure if he wants me or not (which seemed to have been the case a few months back when he still was contemplating if we should stay together or not). Yet he said "I want you". Of course he had his doubts, just like me, since he is also a very jealous guy (Italian…) and when I once told him I was scared of LDR since it didn't work out for me twice before, he told me he was worried that I wouldn't wanna follow through with it out of fear that this one wouldn't work either. He wants me to be strong, said we just will continue how we have been practicing over the summer, and things will fall into place.

I see he is doing his very best, he's been really sweet this past week trying to help me not go crazy, and my friends say I am crazy for thinking the amount of communication I get from him is not enough. And so I wonder, how can I stop being so needy?

I know in the past I have written on here how we have had communication issues…. which were based on me needing more communication than him. Of course now with the long distance, this is sort of an issue for me. He's been trying his best the past week, as I said, but now that we had the long Skype call and he said reassuring things, I feel like he thinks he can pull back a bit now and just wait til next Sunday. I clearly communicated I do need little 'life signs' in-between. His response? "That's what I have been sending - little life-signs, since the day you left" ... yeah… He is right! so I said 'You did. Thank you. That makes me happy". I KNOW I AM QUITE NEEDY and need constant reassurance.

For me to become a bit more independent, and for me to become less needy and clingy, this time apart will be a good thing. A lot of my friends say that I need to become more independent and that I should use this time to help find myself and concentrate less on him (even he said it - said he wants me to concentrate on my creative projects and find time for that whilst he is gone). It's true, I know it. For him, the relationship is ONE of the things that make him happy, but for me it is THE thing that makes me happy. I know I need to change my attitude, BUT IT'S EASIER SAID THAN DONE!

 

But it's only been 8 days since I last saw him, and honestly, it has felt like FOREVER…. another 149 days? How the hell do people do it? Seriously?

 

Uni starts again tomorrow. I have to ride my bike by his old house every morning. I am seeing his friends every day. We wanted to go to the beach today, but honestly, seeing all the people he is close with, even though they are also my friends, it drives me insane, it makes me go wild, it makes me miss him more.

 

The worst things:

 

- Jealousy & Uncertainty (who is he with? Who does he meet?)

- Missing (It's so hard to not have him physically here!)

- Waking up in the morning (surprisingly I have no problems falling asleep)

- Doing productive things (instead of checking if he is online, or what he posts on Facebook).

 

The moment he changed his 'current city' to the city he now lives in instead of the place we both used to live… that kinda hit so hard. I know time works for us now and we will soon be together again, It already is less than 5 months today… But still… The fear of losing him is strong. He is having the adventure of his lifetime and he doesn't feel as down as me, of course. But for me, I am stuck in the same place, just that he is not here anymore, and when he was here it was wonderful, now it is just dull.

 

HOW DO YOU GUYS DO THIS?

HOW CAN I LEARN TO COPE BETTER WITH THIS?

I thought with time it will get easier, but it's been a week, and every day that goes by I just get more sad that he isn't here…

WHEN WILL THIS STOP?

WHEN WILL I GET USED TO THE DISTANCE?

 

HOW CAN I BETTER CONCENTRATE ON THE THINGS I SHOULD DO FOR MYSELF?

I want to. I am aware of my flaws and my fragility.

 

I am sorry for my rant, just felt like writing it all down for once and asking for some tips on here from experienced LDR-peeps.

Edited September 7, 2014 by lamaga

[justwhoiam]

HOW DO YOU GUYS DO THIS?

If communication drops down, it can only be for a very short time. Not for 5 months. If all you get in a day is one picture or a one-line text, that wouldn't be OK with me. That's not my idea of commitment. But you're both young and at a different stage in life. And it shows.

 

HOW CAN I LEARN TO COPE BETTER WITH THIS?

There can be hard moments, but if it's ongoing/constant, it's a clear sign the relationship is not good enough for you, looking at the big picture.

 

I mean, doesn't he have wi-fi there? Can't he connect with some flat plan? He has two other guys to share the expense with, or at least one (the other one with a girlfriend). It looks like he can go without it. He probably wants to keep some distance and not having you too close right now. So the problem is yours. In this case, it's not OK that he's indifferent to the way you feel.

 

WHEN WILL THIS STOP?

With him? Maybe it won't stop? Or in the best scenario, when the relationship stops being LD.

 

WHEN WILL I GET USED TO THE DISTANCE?

If communication remains irregular and superficial, it's quite likely that you won't get used to it and will continue to feel bad about it.

 

HOW CAN I BETTER CONCENTRATE ON THE THINGS I SHOULD DO FOR MYSELF?

When you start feeling comfortable in your relationship. In fact the state you described is what I go through when something goes wrong between us. As soon as things are back to OK, I feel good. So, maybe you're not seeing clearly through this all to notice that something is really lacking/off.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

WOW!!! I have dealt with it myself. 6 hours difference is difficult yet I have been doing well by it for 3+ years.

 

You brought up key points about emotional issues.

 

Here is how we figured how to deal with our LDR relationship...

 

Allow for a completely open sharing of feelings and wants and needs, even if you may feel needy or clingy. Some days will be clingy days and others will be needy days. But when you have complete understanding between each other, being clingy and needy will be short moments of missing each other.

 

Learn to communicate, as with txting peeps have shortened their communication skills down to expecting txt messages more than what is inside. Thus you become more clingy or needy, as it is a device to enable such emotional dependencies. By learning to show deep feelings in words, either by email messages or in voice clips, will allow ways of being together while apart, to feel as close as being there. Yes video chat or voice chat can be the best for exchanging time one on one, and allows a more fuller emotional tie between you both.

 

As for intimacy, being imaginative to both your sexual desires and needs can be more exciting and passionate than just sexting or pix exchange. Voice convos make shyness less so, and private if worried about internet. If you want further deeper intimacy, video is the only way to go. But again stay away from explicit raw exposure, leaving some to imagination actually is more of a turn on. Share allowing each other to guide one's self in touch. Being the others hand so to speak. Allow for new ways of touching, and discovering each other. Not to be direct and to the point, but in areas that are sensual and pleasurable to say the least.

 

There will be a lot of time in between catching each other. So use the free time you have to capture moments you would like to share. They can be pix, voice clips, video clips or notes in between the days activities. Believe it or not you can share every moment of your relationship more than what others do with their mates that they have in their arms. To me and my LDR, there is nothing like what we share, as we never take a day for granted, and appreciate what we have and each other.

 

Oh I forgot another important detail... exchange some personal effect, or clothing that you wear... socks, shirt, ect... Having something that is personal from them and has their smell helps for the deep longings.

Edited September 8, 2014 by sdrawkcaB ssA

[justwhoiam]

mornings are the worst - waking up realising time is just not passing and you'll be waking up alone for the next 5 months - it's a pretty ****ty feeling…

 

I would like to comment on the statement above that you posted in another thread.

 

Why isn't he "there" for you when you wake up? My man can't be there for me as he's 6 hours behind (USA), but when it's 8 am in Germany, it's 2 pm where your bf's at. So?

[ExpatInItaly]

If communication drops down, it can only be for a very short time. Not for 5 months. If all you get in a day is one picture or a one-line text, that wouldn't be OK with me. That's not my idea of commitment. But you're both young and at a different stage in life. And it shows.

 

There can be hard moments, but if it's ongoing/constant, it's a clear sign the relationship is not good enough for you, looking at the big picture.

 

I mean, doesn't he have wi-fi there? Can't he connect with some flat plan? He has two other guys to share the expense with, or at least one (the other one with a girlfriend). It looks like he can go without it. He probably wants to keep some distance and not having you too close right now. So the problem is yours. In this case, it's not OK that he's indifferent to the way you feel.

 

With him? Maybe it won't stop? Or in the best scenario, when the relationship stops being LD.

 

If communication remains irregular and superficial, it's quite likely that you won't get used to it and will continue to feel bad about it.

 

When you start feeling comfortable in your relationship. In fact the state you described is what I go through when something goes wrong between us. As soon as things are back to OK, I feel good. So, maybe you're not seeing clearly through this all to notice that something is really lacking/off.

 

I was about to post this, also. In the past, when I've had distance in a relationship, I felt ok most of the time because I was secure in the relationship. When I didn't feel secure, I started to get anxious, much like you described.

 

I would also say there needs to be more consistent contact to maintain this over 5 months. In the beginning, I am sure he will be busy settling in and meeting new people, and so on. But I don't see anything needy or demanding about establishing more regular communication after that.

[Els]

The first week or so after parting is always the hardest. Especially if this is your first VLDR and you are used to semi-regular contact, it can really be quite hard to adjust at first. Take comfort in the fact that it will get better, IF both of you put in the effort and are secure in your R, AND you keep yourself busy with your career, hobbies, and friends.

 

Which brings me to this:

 

The worst things:

 

- Jealousy & Uncertainty (who is he with? Who does he meet?)

- Missing (It's so hard to not have him physically here!)

- Waking up in the morning (surprisingly I have no problems falling asleep)

- Doing productive things (instead of checking if he is online, or what he posts on Facebook).

 

The bolded really stands out at me, because this was never a big concern in my old LDR (we were in separate continents for 2 years, then reunited). LDRs are hard enough as it is, and with the bolded I imagine they would be unbearable. Why is it that you keep worrying about whom he is with? Is there a reason why you do not trust him to maintain his fidelity?

 

That, and doing productive things, are the most solvable, so you should work on solving them first. When you do, then you will be better equipped to deal with the other, unavoidable, downfalls of a LDR (lack of physical contact, etc).

 

Also you may want to work out a communication schedule with your bf that suits both of your needs. It's understandable that communication would be scarce while he's still getting his footing in a new place, but after that you should be able to work out a compromise that suits you better. One text/picture a day would not have been enough for me.

[lamaga]

thanks for the responses,

 

i know i am super jealous. i don't know whats the matter with me. a part of me completely trusts him, another part of me is really worried, which mainly stems from me knowing how his friend (single-guy) is like, and that his single friend always wants to go chick-hunting with his guys, and also i know my boyfriend likes to flirt with women -- so the combo frightens me. also i have had bad experiences in the past with guys cheating on me, so it's really more that what bothers me (not really my boyfriends fault).

 

but now we haven't talked for 2 full days and i guess for me its just really difficult to not be in touch at all. he is online on Facebook all day and doesn't even write one small message. i am not contacting him now, i want to give him the space he needs and a reason to miss me, but it's so difficult!

[Els]

thanks for the responses,

 

i know i am super jealous. i don't know whats the matter with me. a part of me completely trusts him, another part of me is really worried, which mainly stems from me knowing how his friend (single-guy) is like, and that his single friend always wants to go chick-hunting with his guys, and also i know my boyfriend likes to flirt with women -- so the combo frightens me. also i have had bad experiences in the past with guys cheating on me, so it's really more that what bothers me (not really my boyfriends fault).

 

but now we haven't talked for 2 full days and i guess for me its just really difficult to not be in touch at all. he is online on Facebook all day and doesn't even write one small message. i am not contacting him now, i want to give him the space he needs and a reason to miss me, but it's so difficult!

 

This all sounds a bit worrisome, and I think you have every right to be concerned. Your bf flirts with other women while in a relationship with you?? And he was online (ie internet connection was not an issue) and did not send you anything for 2 days?

 

Does he do anything to reassure you about the distance at all? It can't be just you struggling to cope and him doing nothing to help. LDRs don't work like that.

[ExpatInItaly]

Two days with no contact, and he's clearly been online? Yeah, you have a reason to be concerned. You won't be able to sustain 5 months like that.

 

It's not just you being insecure. He has the opportunity to contact you and he doesn't. That's not good

Edited September 9, 2014 by ExpatInItaly

[lamaga]

well, the 6 months we were dating before LD, he actually also only called every second day. he ended up trying to call me today, but i was in a seminar, so i couldn't answer, and he was writing on facebook that he can't get a hold of me, wondering if something is wrong with my Skype. i didn't respond and when i got out of the seminar it was already 4 am his time,so i will just wait what happens tomorrow. it's been 2 days, as per usual, so i think i shouldn't worry too much - yet it bothers me that he waited all day, and then didn't even write something nice or sweet, just that he couldn't get a hold of me. he's being cold and i don't like it.

[d0nnivain]

First it's only 5 months, not forever.

 

Second, you have to tell yourself he's a good guy & you need to trust in that.

 

Third, get it out of your head that daily contact is required. Yes it would be nice. If you do need it you need to talk to him about your expectations. What's enough? If he sends a text that says "I'm thinking about you" but you don't talk is that OK or do you actually want the back & forth.

 

Fourth, count your blessings. When I did an LDR back in the "dark ages" all we had was snail mail & land line telephones. We survived on one 1 hour phone call per week & snail mail. You have all sorts of other avenues available.

 

To get through this, think about the end. Think about all the great stories he will have. Focus on one day at a time & whatever you do, don't constantly freak out on him or accuse.