fmlife Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 So I was googling break-up advice and found an advice columnist post: For twenty years, I tried to get my husband to give to me and the relationship, with no success. He is one of those people who just shuts you out if he doesn’t want to hear what you have to say, and he refused to even discuss my needs for love, communication or affection. I fought my urge to leave him in order to keep our family together, and stayed, living a lonely, miserable existence. Finally, I’ve gotten up the courage to go, and all of a sudden, he’s woken up, and is acting like a new person. He’s started therapy; he writes me love notes; he holds my hands and cries, begging me to give me another chance. He’s doing everything I ever wanted, but my heart is closed, and I feel nothing. Can a person be hurt so much that you just don’t want to try one more time? What you’re describing is one of the saddest patterns I hear about in relationships: the partner whose love has died from years of neglect, only to discover when she decides to leave that her husband finally gets everything she’s been trying to tell him for years....and it’s too late. I do believe that there is a point of “no return” in some relationships, when you’ve experienced so much hurt, disappointment, and rejection that you can no longer feel anything for your partner. It takes years to get to this point--years of repressing your feelings, years of ignoring your needs, years of telling yourself you’ll try just one more time to make it work. Finally, your heart closes to your mate for good. Like a bank account that has experienced only withdrawals and no deposits, you are left with a zero balance. So when he finally shows up and asks for what you have, you truly have nothing to give. You know this in your heart, but like most women, it goes against your nature to say “No” to a man when he asks for your love, patience and commitment, and so you’re feeling guilty rejecting him, aren’t you? Well, don’t. He rejected you for many, many years. This is his karma, the result of his attitude and actions towards you and the marriage. Over and over again, he chose not to heed your warnings, not to answer your pleas, not to reach back when you reached out in need. Now, it’s your turn to choose, and you are making the right choice in leaving. Go forward in your life, knowing that you did the best you could, knowing that you waited until you couldn’t wait anymore, and knowing that loving yourself enough to finally leave is an important spiritual victory. Ok, great I understand how my ex feels... but whats the advice for the husband? *sign* I keep reading about phasing out the girl, deleted the FB, Numbers, get friends to remind you of the bad times, etc but we have kids together. I have to somewhat stay connected, but it sucks seeing her more happy without you. Even worse when she starts dating, know I couldn't give her what she wanted/needed.
FailedFirstLove Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 Hi There is always going to be regrets... There's always things you could have done better. But it's gotten to this point now. You can't go back and fix things. Try your best to accept it. You can no longer make her happy. She's taken that off you. Yes some people never get back because they're done. But some it just takes time for them to realise how much you meant. Let her date cause she may see that the unhappiness she was feeling those years weren't really that bad.
LifeNomad Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 Im in ur situation op, ive made some female friends and they have told me about their exes, breakups, and honestly some girls have had it bad, physical violence, abuse, cheating etc...i feel if my ex begins dating or seeing someone it will only be a matter of time before she sees im not a bad guy. Just find hope and strength to move on, i know it feels like life is over man but be strong, exercise, eat better buy new or used clothes, so next time she sees u, she sees somebody different, not the same person as before. It was 13 yrs for me, 3 kids, a family, a life, even her own family tells her shes wrong, it hurts man, look for the future and take whatevwr life gives u with arms wide open, and its ok to cry when ur alone, let it out, be strong man.
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