Gloria25 Posted September 6, 2014 Posted September 6, 2014 Ok, unfortunately in this day and age many women are being taught that "we" need to be the ones who take a more active role in the dating (i.e. paying, initiating, etc.)...These are all roles that normally men have held. But, I really believe that this goes contrary to our biology. Men pursue. If men aren't into you, they will come up with a bunch of excuses not to date/see you...period. And, in the situations where a woman seems to nab a guy who had low interest in her, it won't last long cuz his low interest was always there and she sorta "pressured" him into seeing her. So, he never had the chance to pursue her, so he doesn't value her (this goes towards men's biological need to pursue/hunt). So, my question is - as a woman - where do you draw the line between trying to show a man you are into him, but not coming off as desperate, chasing him, or going against biology?
FitChick Posted September 6, 2014 Posted September 6, 2014 "What's a girl gotta do to get a cup of coffee around here?" Princess Diana used that line.
HappyLove Posted September 6, 2014 Posted September 6, 2014 "So, my question is - as a woman - where do you draw the line between trying to show a man you are into him, but not coming off as desperate, chasing him, or going against biology?" For me it's simple- Don't date weak ass men. I want a man's MAN not some Beta who cries because I didn't pay for his dinner or ask him on a date. 4
Author Gloria25 Posted September 6, 2014 Author Posted September 6, 2014 "What's a girl gotta do to get a cup of coffee around here?" Princess Diana used that line. Lol... Well, I think I need to put more info in order to get a better response. Let me just say that I'm past the that point with him...I know there's attraction, but when I try to chat him up he's avoids it. Sometimes I think I catch him checking me out and he's friendly towards me - despite his reluctance to just speak to me.
Author Gloria25 Posted September 7, 2014 Author Posted September 7, 2014 "So, my question is - as a woman - where do you draw the line between trying to show a man you are into him, but not coming off as desperate, chasing him, or going against biology?" For me it's simple- Don't date weak ass men. I want a man's MAN not some Beta who cries because I didn't pay for his dinner or ask him on a date. Well, it depends... It's hard for me to trust so I've spent my life in relationships that were temporary/casual. So, sometimes if a guy shows interest - it's not that I'm not into him, I think it's that I am scared and prefer to be the one that picked him first...Not sure if that even makes any sense.
angel.eyes Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 Lol... Well, I think I need to put more info in order to get a better response. Let me just say that I'm past the that point with him...I know there's attraction, but when I try to chat him up he's avoids it. Sometimes I think I catch him checking me out and he's friendly towards me - despite his reluctance to just speak to me. He doesn't seem interested in moving forward with you. Because you like him, you're reading into his actions and making excuses for his lack of movement. 3
HappyLove Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 Your answer is in your first post it was spot on. A man who wants you will pursue and even if he's luke warm and you win him over it hardly ever lasts. Read your post you already know the deal. 2
mightycpa Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 Your answer is in your first post it was spot on. A man who wants you will pursue and even if he's luke warm and you win him over it hardly ever lasts. Read your post you already know the deal. Not necessarily. I've read too many posts from guys on this forum who ask things like "she's been rubbing on the front of my pants... do you think she likes me?" "I've been talking to her and she seems friendly enough, she talks about all sorts of things, should I ask her out?" "I've been chatting with this girl for six months, but I'm not sure if I should ask her out... what do you think?" Way too many of them. For me it's simple- Don't date weak ass men. I want a man's MAN not some Beta who cries because I didn't pay for his dinner or ask him on a date. This might just be right on the mark. There's no way for us to know. You're going to have to judge him somehow. 1
DazedandConfused8 Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 Ok, unfortunately in this day and age many women are being taught that "we" need to be the ones who take a more active role in the dating (i.e. paying, initiating, etc.)...These are all roles that normally men have held. But, I really believe that this goes contrary to our biology. Men pursue. If men aren't into you, they will come up with a bunch of excuses not to date/see you...period. And, in the situations where a woman seems to nab a guy who had low interest in her, it won't last long cuz his low interest was always there and she sorta "pressured" him into seeing her. So, he never had the chance to pursue her, so he doesn't value her (this goes towards men's biological need to pursue/hunt). So, my question is - as a woman - where do you draw the line between trying to show a man you are into him, but not coming off as desperate, chasing him, or going against biology? This &$((*#^@ about gender roles is ridiculous. How many people have been heartbroken or upset because of poor communications between the two of them... because they were acting within gender roles and couldn't do what they really felt. It's ridiculous. If you like someone, tell them. If you don't, tell them. Don't wait for the other person to read your mind and expect that they're going to do what you think they will.
DazedandConfused8 Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 I want a man's MAN not some Beta who cries because I didn't pay for his dinner or ask him on a date. Oh good. You've fallen for the "alpha" and "beta" theories. Great Most women are smarter.
HappyLove Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 Oh good. You've fallen for the "alpha" and "beta" theories. Great Most women are smarter. Or desperate and take what they can get. 1
crude Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 There was a time when "conventional wisdom" said that no woman in the history of the world was a doctor or lawyer and never could be because their minds can't function that way. Now, the majority of medical and legal students in some countries are female. So much for conventional wisdom. It's exactly the same with the biology BS. Women don't do their share of pursuing because they enjoy the free ride, like any freeloader does. They avoid rejection, having to pay their own way, having to put any effort into dating. That's not biology, that's being an entitled, spoiled princess. Be advised that men who like to chase are often the ones who lose interest immediately after they catch you, then move on to the next challenge. 1
veggirl Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 I'm most likely not going to ask a guy on a date, but I would have no problem striking up conversation and seeing where it goes. I *think* a guy would assume a girls into him if she did that. As far as paying goes, I don't feel comfortable with someone taking 100% of the burden on that. I feel more comfortable splitting things, or more likely, you pay this time and I'll grab it next time. I really don't like this biology excuse. If you use biology as an excuse in this circumstance, do you use in others? oh my bf cheated bc he biologically needs to spread his seed...? No. biology is just a cop-out in both situations. 1
evanescentworld Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 There was a time when "conventional wisdom" said that no woman in the history of the world was a doctor or lawyer and never could be because their minds can't function that way. Now, the majority of medical and legal students in some countries are female. So much for conventional wisdom. It's exactly the same with the biology BS. Women don't do their share of pursuing because they enjoy the free ride, like any freeloader does. They avoid rejection, having to pay their own way, having to put any effort into dating. That's not biology, that's being an entitled, spoiled princess. Be advised that men who like to chase are often the ones who lose interest immediately after they catch you, then move on to the next challenge. Stereotyping is obviously a hobby of yours.... 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 I generally expect it to be 50/50 on the whole to be honest, if a guy isn't making any moves but I'm interested I will drop some hints in and see if he bites. If he doesn't, I move on. If a guy is actively excitedly dating me planning stuff in the future and texting and calling me I'll give him it all right back, 50/50. But if I sense somebody pulling away I'm more likely to as well. If a guy asks me out and I'm lukewarm, tries to flirt and I shut him down, asks me out and I tell him I'll let him know when I'm less busy, I would fully expect him to get the hint and disappear. Vice versa, if I ask him out or flirt with him and he doesn't respond enthusiastically I'll move on quickly.
d0nnivain Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 If I wanted a guy to ask me out but didn't want to ask him I would do something to make it clear that I would say yes if he asked. For example: I met a guy at a MeetUp singles mixer. We had a long conversation based on work because it turned out he was in the market for someone who provided the services I did. As I was leaving I handed him my business card & said to give me a call because I'd be happy to help him but I'd be happier if he called for personal rather than professional reasons. Two days later he called & asked me for a date. On the date he confessed that had I not said that he would not have called because he was sure I was "out of his league." (Another reasons I hate "leagues") With my husband I tried a softer approach because people kept telling me I was normally too aggressive. When the event was over I asked him to walk me to my car because I knew he was parked in the same garage. I actually thought that didn't work because he didn't mention the idea of further contact. I really liked him though so the next business day I sent him a business snail mail, handwritten follow up letter, telling him I was glad to have met him. Unlike a traditional follow up letter I did not mention anything about us doing business together in the future. That note prompted a reply e-mail & later a date. FWIW, my husband later confessed that he thought it was odd that I asked for an escort to my car. He thought that I had seemed so self assured; he couldn't fathom why I couldn't navigate a parking garage alone. On the night before our wedding he actually took me back to that garage & gave me a much better kiss than the peck on the cheek I had been hoping for at our 1st meeting. 3
BluEyeL Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 So, my question is - as a woman - where do you draw the line between trying to show a man you are into him, but not coming off as desperate, chasing him, or going against biology? I smile, make eye contact, talk to him, touch on the arm...stuff like that. When he asks me on a date, I say yes and even maybe plan some of the dates. After he asks me out on a few other dates, it becomes clear we are both interested and it all just falls into place. Last year, when I met a guy at a meetup, he was just chatting me up and later asked me out. He said "I figured, she kept talking to me all night, she didn't go away, so she's interested". Guys who are really into you, really interested to get to know you, will ask you out. Period. Even the most shy ones. If they don't, they might sort of like you, but they go "meh..too hard -too whatever.." they're not so keen. Guys who like you will not be worried about what's fair and what's not fair, why women have it easier, why women get free meals yada yada yada. That's theory, in practice, if they want you, they'll come for you and all you need to do is to respond and be nice and as accommodating as appropriate. With someone who is into you it's just easy. If you have to do a lot in the very beginning, wonder about this and that, and do more than enthusiastically responding/chatting, whatever is appropriate for the given situation, it's better to just consider it as a no go. As you enter a relationship, things become more balanced, with both donig 50/50, but in the beginning that's how it goes and that's how you show interest. 2
MissBee Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 (edited) Ok, unfortunately in this day and age many women are being taught that "we" need to be the ones who take a more active role in the dating (i.e. paying, initiating, etc.)...These are all roles that normally men have held. But, I really believe that this goes contrary to our biology. Men pursue. If men aren't into you, they will come up with a bunch of excuses not to date/see you...period. And, in the situations where a woman seems to nab a guy who had low interest in her, it won't last long cuz his low interest was always there and she sorta "pressured" him into seeing her. So, he never had the chance to pursue her, so he doesn't value her (this goes towards men's biological need to pursue/hunt). So, my question is - as a woman - where do you draw the line between trying to show a man you are into him, but not coming off as desperate, chasing him, or going against biology? The type of men I'm attracted to generally are men who have a stronger masculine energy, who prefer pursuing and have no issues being dominant. I simply am not gonna be attracted to more passive men or men who want me to pursue them or who sit around complaining about why can't the roles be reversed...no thank you! Just not my flavor. Also, pursuing for me doesn't mean I play hard to get and give the guy the run around and make him literally chase me, just because. I see no point in that and think it's playing silly games. It means I see that he has the confidence to go after what he wants and has no problems initiating and making his interest known by asking me out and taking the lead. How I show interest is by accepting his invitations! If a man I like decides to pursue me and show interest, I reciprocate. I don't purposefully act aloof or brush him. I let him know I am into what he's selling so to speak. I don't mind initiating or showing interest first...with my current bf for example, we met online and I showed interest by favoriting his profile. I've messaged guys first before but with him I decided to like his profile and figured if he likes what he sees and reads he will take that invitation and message me...he did! I think usually women actually do have to be the ones to show some interest and openness to being pursued first before a man can actually do the pursuing. So for me that's how I see my "role", to invite a man to pursue me and when he does I reciprocate and give positive feedback without becoming the pursuer myself. In an offline setting, if I like a man I may flirt with him, go out of my way to speak with him or compliment him or invite him to a common social event....after which I expect if he likes me too he will take these invitations as a green light to be upfront about his feelings. I have a friend who currently doesn't know the art of showing interest without being overbearing. She likes her new neighbor and after one conversation she baked him cookies and left it on his door, she invited him to lunch, and thus far he hasn't been that receptive. She did this before with another guy, met him, invited him to the movies, another guy met him texted him about the movies and thus far NONE of these have panned out for her. Part of it is she just seems over-eager and there is no allowing the man to be curious about her and decide what he wants. She already comes off as pressuring and just too eager. I told her to STOP. Yes baking cookies is a nice thing to do but it can be too much for a man you've spoken to once. Likewise you've asked about 3 men to the movies or lunch and got the run around. Then she obsesses over it...I told her, show interest with the neighbor by speaking to him, perhaps inviting him to a common social event like the monthly happy hour a student org we're in organizes, be open and receptive but don't go heavy into pursue mode. Lots of men don't like that...well the ones I've asked anyway and the ones I like and the ones she seems to be attracted to. Edited September 8, 2014 by MissBee 3
Mascara Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 In my opinion, if you pursue a man who is really interested, it won't matter very much. He'll still be into you. But if you pursue a man that isn't very interested, he won't do what women do - simply reject - he'll enter into some half hearted thing with you to pass the time / until something better comes along / until he can't be bothered any more. When men say "I wish women would pursue more", they only mean "women I'm really attracted to". If they were better at just rejecting women they're not that interested in we'd probably do it more - instead of him just going along with it and making her wonder why he's such hard work. 2
aprilisi Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 In my opinion, if you pursue a man who is really interested, it won't matter very much. He'll still be into you. But if you pursue a man that isn't very interested, he won't do what women do - simply reject - he'll enter into some half hearted thing with you to pass the time / until something better comes along / until he can't be bothered any more. When men say "I wish women would pursue more", they only mean "women I'm really attracted to". If they were better at just rejecting women they're not that interested in we'd probably do it more - instead of him just going along with it and making her wonder why he's such hard work. I was going to say this, you at me to it
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