bubbletroubled Posted September 6, 2014 Posted September 6, 2014 Hey everyone, I'm new to this site! hopefully someone here can help me out with my dilemma. My boyfriend (25) and I (23) are both students studying in university. We've been dating for a little over a year and have many mutual friends. Throughout this past year, we fought so many times that I lost track. But every time we would apologize and leave it at that. Things would be swept under the rug until the next argument. Often times it's about the same thing and we end up in bigger and louder arguments. It hurts both of us deeply but we don't know what to do. We say we'll try and change, but nothing really changes. He still screams at me when he's mad, and I still take my frustrations out on him all the time. It's become this negative cycle, and I don't know what to do anymore. We both love one another and we're always there for each other. But it's the process and the negativity that this relationship also brings in that makes us think that maybe we're not good for each other. I'd like to think there's something else that can be done other than to break up, but we've tried many times to change. Maybe we're going about it the wrong way? Is there anyone out there who experience similar situations like this and was able to find a neutral/positive solution to it?
sdrawkcaB ssA Posted September 6, 2014 Posted September 6, 2014 break up be good friends and find someone who is less conflicting to your needs and wants. Less troubles makes for better romance and closer connex. 1
Assasda Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 Why do you feel the need to yell at someone that you respect. Why does he feel the need to yell at someone that he respects. Think of it like that. You guys dont respect each other. You probabaly need to back off for a little bit and find that 1
Author bubbletroubled Posted September 7, 2014 Author Posted September 7, 2014 (edited) We think very differently, him and I. Our ideas and thoughts often clash with each other's, and so more often than not we end up getting into arguments. Once an argument ensues, he lose his temper and patience, and just starts yelling at me. I'm able to calmly talk to someone even when I'm mad, but I tend to attack and push his buttons when we fight. As for me taking it out on him...When I'm frustrated, I need someone to talk to, and often seek advice from friends. Naturally, I go to him first. But when I'm frustrated, I'm usually impatient and want a resolution right away. His solutions are sometimes not feasible, and sometimes are counter intuitive. I get annoyed that he's not helping at all, and take my frustration out on him. Then he gets mad and yells at me. In terms of respect...I think I lost some respect for him. maybe it's not respect, but I definitely think he's in the wrong about this. I don't get along with some of his friends, and he knows that. They're really mean sometimes, and because I'm like the new girl in the group, they team up/stick together and make me feel like an outsider. I've told him this several times, and after a night of them making me feel like that (he was there that night too), I asked him to talk to them. After a HUGE fight, he finally agreed that he would talk to them. But this whole summer passed by, and he said nothing. He never even tried to talk to them, and he blames it on lack of time. He's had a whole summer to meet up with any of them to talk, but he chooses not to. After countless of fights about this, he finally tells me it's because he doesn't want to. He doesn't want to be in the middle of this. Even though he knows how hurt I was about this. I put up with this kind of treatment from his friends the whole year, and all I asked was for him to talk to them about it, at least to find out what's going on and why they're treating me like this. He has his flaws, but he also has his merits. He's kind, loving, generally attentive and dependable. Obviously I'm on this discussion board because I don't know how to handle the flaws but I just want to make sure his positive attributes are also recognized. Edited September 7, 2014 by bubbletroubled
DazedandConfused8 Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 Hey everyone, I'm new to this site! hopefully someone here can help me out with my dilemma. My boyfriend (25) and I (23) are both students studying in university. We've been dating for a little over a year and have many mutual friends. Throughout this past year, we fought so many times that I lost track. But every time we would apologize and leave it at that. Things would be swept under the rug until the next argument. Often times it's about the same thing and we end up in bigger and louder arguments. It hurts both of us deeply but we don't know what to do. We say we'll try and change, but nothing really changes. He still screams at me when he's mad, and I still take my frustrations out on him all the time. It's become this negative cycle, and I don't know what to do anymore. We both love one another and we're always there for each other. But it's the process and the negativity that this relationship also brings in that makes us think that maybe we're not good for each other. I'd like to think there's something else that can be done other than to break up, but we've tried many times to change. Maybe we're going about it the wrong way? Is there anyone out there who experience similar situations like this and was able to find a neutral/positive solution to it? 1. This isn't a dilemma: Dilemma - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia 2. What are you fighting over? Why does it continue to get ever-more heated, and why does it keep getting brought up?
DazedandConfused8 Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 In terms of respect...I think I lost some respect for him. maybe it's not respect, but I definitely think he's in the wrong about this. I don't get along with some of his friends, and he knows that. They're really mean sometimes, and because I'm like the new girl in the group, they team up/stick together and make me feel like an outsider. I've told him this several times, and after a night of them making me feel like that (he was there that night too), I asked him to talk to them. After a HUGE fight, he finally agreed that he would talk to them. But this whole summer passed by, and he said nothing. He never even tried to talk to them, and he blames it on lack of time. He's had a whole summer to meet up with any of them to talk, but he chooses not to. After countless of fights about this, he finally tells me it's because he doesn't want to. He doesn't want to be in the middle of this. Even though he knows how hurt I was about this. I put up with this kind of treatment from his friends the whole year, and all I asked was for him to talk to them about it, at least to find out what's going on and why they're treating me like this. So are your fights over his friends not accepting you into their group and them being mean to you?
Author bubbletroubled Posted September 7, 2014 Author Posted September 7, 2014 A portion of the fights are about his friends not accepting me. Another is that we fight so often about little things. I like talking things out rather than ignoring the situation and pretending it never happened. Talking it out and resolving the issue prevents them from building up into bigger fights that just get nastier and nastier. That's my perspective. His perspective is that he's being the bigger person by not continuing the fight and poking at it. He lets it go for the time being, but when we argue again, he'll bring it up, and he keeps track of how many times we fight in a week and uses it against me like I'm the one who initiated them.
DazedandConfused8 Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 A portion of the fights are about his friends not accepting me. Another is that we fight so often about little things. I like talking things out rather than ignoring the situation and pretending it never happened. Talking it out and resolving the issue prevents them from building up into bigger fights that just get nastier and nastier. That's my perspective. His perspective is that he's being the bigger person by not continuing the fight and poking at it. He lets it go for the time being, but when we argue again, he'll bring it up, and he keeps track of how many times we fight in a week and uses it against me like I'm the one who initiated them. This is starting to make more sense then: You antagonize him and poke at him (you acknowledge you know how to push his buttons) until you two can sit down and 'resolve' the argument. He refuses to engage in your games and keeps you away until you calm down. This infuriates you, which only pushes you to antagonize him more, which only pushes him to be the "better person" by refusing to engage with you. It's a vicious circle. If you two are serious about resolving your differences and fighting properly, there are plenty of resources: Fair Fighting Rules for Couples 10 Rules for Friendly Fighting for Couples | Psych Central - Part 2 Dr. Phil.com - Advice - Dr. Phil's Rules for Fighting How to Stop Fighting: Tips for Married Couples 5 Fights Every Couple Should Have | Happen Magazine 1
Author bubbletroubled Posted September 7, 2014 Author Posted September 7, 2014 I know I'm at fault, not all, but probably mostly at fault. You are right that I push his buttons and provoke him. I just don't know how NOT to do that when I'm annoyed or mad. It doesn't help either that he ignores the situation or if I push a little, he explodes and starts yelling. Thanks for the links you've posted and the helpful comments. I'll get reading, and hopefully we'll be able to salvage the relationship.
Diezel Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 I wonder what he would post. Honestly, you two are too young to be doing this to each other. You are both so comfortable being together, you'd rather be miserable than trying to be happy apart. Also "students studying at a university" is really bothering me for some reason. We tend to call those "college students". But I'm just a nitpicker. Also... don't push buttons. It's a Catch-22. He's probably yelling because you push buttons and you push buttons because he is yelling. The person I am dating will say that she likes to talk things out and discuss matters. What she fails to see is that most of the time, in the heat of the moment, she talks over me and usually when "we" discuss things, it's things about "me" and not "her". Sometimes I let things cool down, because in the beginning, I would try to be louder than her to get my point across. Now, we have compromised that if something is bothering us, we'll wait a bit to let things settle and then we can actually talk. Maybe one day, sit down and truly analyze how you two come at each other. If you aren't living together and you are already having petty arguments about little things, it's only going to get worse. It sounds like you two have communication problems, which is normal for two "college students" in their early 20's of the opposite sex. But if you both don't work on it willingly, the relationship will go absolutely nowhere.
DazedandConfused8 Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 I know I'm at fault, not all, but probably mostly at fault. You are right that I push his buttons and provoke him. I just don't know how NOT to do that when I'm annoyed or mad. It doesn't help either that he ignores the situation or if I push a little, he explodes and starts yelling. Thanks for the links you've posted and the helpful comments. I'll get reading, and hopefully we'll be able to salvage the relationship. Just remember: the only person you can control is you.
smackie9 Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 Your problem, you see too many things wrong with your BF, you try to change him, he resists, you push, which causes needless arguments (DRAMA), his friends see that as a problem, that is why they resent you. They can't help but feel how unhealthy you are to their friend, with all your provoking, causing unhappiness. **He can't help it that his friends don't like you, so don't pin that responsibility on him...that is all on you. I hope you will see you are the one that needs to change, and take responsibility for your actions. Since you are in college you have access to free counseling.....if I were you I would take advantage of that.
WonderKid Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 What you two need to do is sit down like adults. And bury any and ALL conflicts between each other. It's the only way. Because unresolved conflicts will only resurface during the next argument. If he cannot sit down and talk it out, it is time for you two to split up. No since in residing to the misery. In my opinion, first and foremost, a man should not allow his friends to disrespect his woman and not take her defense on it. That goes vice versa as well. If he's not willing to talk to his friends about ranking on you, you do not need that type of guy in your life. He should have been there to your defense. If you two can sit and resolve these things without shouting or any outside influence, this can work. But if not, it's best to call it quits. 1
Author bubbletroubled Posted September 7, 2014 Author Posted September 7, 2014 We're getting together tomorrow to talk about this face to face, but for the weekend, we thought it was best to cool off and think everything through by ourselves. We try and not fight in front of his friends, and his friends not liking me has nothing to do with our relationship. It's really just 1 girl who's a snob and looks down on people and makes fun of them. His other friends are like side kicks who also make fun of me when she's around. Individually, most are not too bad, but collectively, they're like the mean girls. I don't think I'm pinning the responsibility on him. I am asking him to talk to them about what's happened the past year. I did offer to talk to them myself, but he thought it was better if he talked to them instead. I'm not sure how we'd go bout burying the conflicts. We talk out our problems after we've both cooled off, but it ends up getting heated again or because we're so tired of fighting about it, we just leave it and move on. Except, it's not really moving on since the previous problem is usually brought up in the next fight. We can't seem to see eye to eye on many situations, hence we fight about them. Agreeing to disagree doesn't work when we have to face the problem every day (school and friends). Or sometimes even just communicating seems to be a problem. We misunderstand each other and end up getting frustrated. Calling it quits sounds like the easiest way out right now. I know we'll both hurt for awhile, but investing more time and effort into this when we're already at this point almost seems nonsensical. Plus, it's not like we're not hurting when we're in this relationship... maybe breaking it off will hurt more for the first bit, but it's better than hurting for another year right? A part of me wants this, but another part wants to break up, get out of this emotionally draining and negative relationship. Do I still want to be with him because I still love him or because I don't want change in my life? I don't even know anymore.
smackie9 Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 The only thing I can suggest is to not let these loser friends affect you, and ignore their cat calling. You giving them a reaction only encourages this behavior. So if you want to stay with him, drop the subject and let it go. 2
veggirl Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 What specifically have either of you done to change? It sounds to me like you guys say "we'll change" and then just hope it magically happens on its own. Its a conscious process, not just hoping. You have to actively change.
Author bubbletroubled Posted September 7, 2014 Author Posted September 7, 2014 Thanks, I'll try my best to ignore them. It'll be hard since we're in almost every single class together, but I will limit my interaction with them. I just don't know how I can drop it, or get over it. My own boyfriend isn't willing to stand up for me and talk to his friends. He's afraid of getting in the middle because he doesn't want to lose his friends...and when I point out to him that by not talking to them about it, he's affecting our relationship, he says nothing. We used to get mad at almost every little tiny thing. What route we should take to the restaurant, where to sit in class, what to do after class, etc. Eventually we compromised or tried to stop arguing about things like that. Once we realize we are arguing, we take a step back, assess if it's really that big a deal. Now we mostly just get mad for a minute, and then move on to our normal conversation. I'm not saying it's forgotten, but it's how we've found to deal with things that are small and probably insignificant. If it's something bigger, we try to cool off and revisit the problem later. In arguments, he tries and control his temper, but sometimes he's so mad he can't stop yelling at me. Same with me, I attack and push his buttons when I'm mad. So we've decided that we should point it out to each other when the other is attacking or yelling. It sometimes works, but other times it actually makes things worse. If he realizes it, he'll try and stop yelling, I'll try and stop attacking. But if we're furious with each other, and it's pointed out that we're attacking or yelling, I attack more, and he yells louder. We obviously regret it after, but by then, hurtful words have already been said, and it puts our relationship a step back.
sdrawkcaB ssA Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 i think youk strength will carry you through the break up. do a clean slate, no being together around his friends if you are to hang with him time to time. Though, it would be a benifit to the both of you to be email only until you are sure you both are not clingy or needy if keeping frienship alive. finding new avenues with your friends will be your best bet until you date again. i think even though you may be a bit hot headed, it may be because he is an enabler. I see that wth my LDR, as her husband brings on her temper. But with me it is a rare occasion if any. mostly our missuderstandings are never one sided bouts that seem pointless. like only one is listening. that will make any woman a fire ball. good luck with the breakup, and hope he makes a better friend than a bf.
doeblin Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 @bubbletroubled Try to reread your posts and assume they were written by a stranger. Does this seem like a healthy relationship to you? Does it worth it? 1
smackie9 Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 Thanks, I'll try my best to ignore them. It'll be hard since we're in almost every single class together, but I will limit my interaction with them. I just don't know how I can drop it, or get over it. My own boyfriend isn't willing to stand up for me and talk to his friends. He's afraid of getting in the middle because he doesn't want to lose his friends...and when I point out to him that by not talking to them about it, he's affecting our relationship, he says nothing. We used to get mad at almost every little tiny thing. What route we should take to the restaurant, where to sit in class, what to do after class, etc. Eventually we compromised or tried to stop arguing about things like that. Once we realize we are arguing, we take a step back, assess if it's really that big a deal. Now we mostly just get mad for a minute, and then move on to our normal conversation. I'm not saying it's forgotten, but it's how we've found to deal with things that are small and probably insignificant. If it's something bigger, we try to cool off and revisit the problem later. In arguments, he tries and control his temper, but sometimes he's so mad he can't stop yelling at me. Same with me, I attack and push his buttons when I'm mad. So we've decided that we should point it out to each other when the other is attacking or yelling. It sometimes works, but other times it actually makes things worse. If he realizes it, he'll try and stop yelling, I'll try and stop attacking. But if we're furious with each other, and it's pointed out that we're attacking or yelling, I attack more, and he yells louder. We obviously regret it after, but by then, hurtful words have already been said, and it puts our relationship a step back. The reason you bicker over small things is because of the elephant in the room...his friends. Small arguments are a symptom of deeper issues in your relationship. Your BF is spineless, you are just going to accept it if you want to be his GF. Not something most would recommend but you insist on staying, the reality is you will not get your way. If things get tense, leave don't fight, simple as that.
Author bubbletroubled Posted September 8, 2014 Author Posted September 8, 2014 Thanks everyone for the responses and helpful advice. Does spineless equate to conflict avoidance? If so, I guess he is. He says he avoids conflicts at all cost. I guess the cost this time might be our relationship... A fresh start sounds so appealing right now, but I'm having such a hard time letting go. I will update again tomorrow after our talk. Thanks everyone! 1
smackie9 Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 (edited) He says he avoids conflicts at all cost. Aha! there's the smoking gun I have been waiting for. This is the key information that was missing. He avoids confrontation at all costs because it causes him extreme anxiety. So when you push him, it send him into a state of fight or flight. He is very fearful of it. This is something that can be overcome in a therapist's office, nothing you can do about this yourself. This is a behavioral issue that probably stemmed from his childhood. He is avoiding having to face the anxiety, not conflict.....lame. If it were me I would make a break for it...exit stage left. Edited September 8, 2014 by smackie9
Author bubbletroubled Posted September 9, 2014 Author Posted September 9, 2014 We talked it over, and we addressed all the issues we had with each other and how we would deal with them. I think this is our last chance at it, so hopefully we'll get it right this time! Thanks everyone for all the helpful advice. Truly grateful to have such awesome strangers helping me out!
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