genuinelyloverly7 Posted September 6, 2014 Posted September 6, 2014 It has been almost four years since I began the first seperation process, and almost a year since the second one from my former life partner. Despite knowing that he was emotionally abusive and that things were never right between us, I still find myself getting depressed over the idea that it didn't work, that he wasn't the person I thought, and that I am not having the life I dreamed we would have. Mostly my life is fine now- I am single and enjoy that (pets help- I have seven :0 ), and I have been on a few dates as well as recently having met someone who thinks that I am great (he is also quite open about how he perceives my flaws as "things I'm working on" about myself... For better and for worse. That's a whole other thread lol But here I am, planning my great future, and creating a vision board for what kind of life I want, and what kind of partner I want, and out of the blue I feel pissed and resentful that I had something and had to let it go. I still question whether or not I made te right decisions in the relationship, an I guess even sometimes if something still couldn't be done now. But I have had great therapists tell me that he is supremely narcissistic and will never change from the secretive, paranoid, closed book of theoretically delicious mysteries that he began as. And that hurts too. That people walk around so wounded that they will never experience lasting happiness. And I hope he does. I just used to think he would while We were together. After 8 years of knowing him, and feeling like I knew SOooooooo much about him (how could you not after all that time) I'd still sometimes get the feeling that I didn't know him at all, or else why wouldn't he talk about things with me, why wouldn't he share himself with me on ANY level other than sex. I know there were moments of depth, those moments of soul connection between us that I just plain miss. I am not confusing that for believing he was good for me, but sometimes when I doubt my decision making in general I wonder if... And it hurts! I wonder if I messed up a good thing, even knowing I did the best I could. I cannot let myself go back to him, ever. He hides his anger too well, and it had begun manifesting as actions before I left. It is a long path to romantic wellness sometimes. Being with someone who treats me like a queen is a good part of the therapy. But I don't think I'm fully healed enough to truly give him what he deserves, because after three months of great times together, I still feel like he is more of a best friend (with great benefits) than a potential soul mate. Of course, he would love to make it as permanent as is appropriate for three months- but I don't think it's fair, when I am still so ambivalent about long term coupleship with him, and experiencing issues like this.
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