Share your thoughts on my struggle

[MrGoodGuy]

I'm happily married. I love my wife. I would kill or die for if it were necessary. She is not perfect, neither am I and she loves me as well. This is my struggle, and I am hoping to hear some intellectual responces.

 

I love looking at attractive women, daydreaming all kind of what if scenarios with them, and I masturbate/fantasize about them all the time. It can be the hot neighbor next door, one of the countless sexy, half naked women walking about leaving nothing to the Imagination because It's summer time, or some celebrity, model, or ex gf I liked having sex with. I look at them on tv when I'm making love to my wife or even on my phone in the middle of sex because she is too into the sex to watch me or catch me. I think about her during sex about 1 percent of the time now because normally I pretend i'm making love to someone else. I usually struggle to achieve In orgasm with out thought of soneone else. The feeling of my wife's body and the arousing thought of another woman, especially one sexier than my wife Is what sexually overwelmes me and Is something I deeply enjoy and hate at the same time.

 

I have always been a very sexual person and strongly lusted after other women since I was a kid. I am in my 40s my wife is in her 50s. I tried to stop thinking about other women in such a manner but It drives me crazy as if it's something I have to do. I have no desire to physically cheat on my wife, I have rejected any woman who's tried to make any advances on me and always tell my wife about it afterwards. I believe thoughts and fantasies are okay. And that's as far as it should go. I am concerned about how much I don't think about my wife though. Perhaps it's primarily because I view her as a cunt for a lot of the ways she seems to enjoy making my life Into a living hell and how she can't be reasoned with. Logic goes straight over her head.

 

Now my wife's struggle, in as far as I know.

 

She has lusted after other men since she was a girl, especially celebrities. She has many celebrity crushes that she's admitted though she now denies, yet makes her occassional comments indicating otherwise. She is controlling, watches porn and tells me that I can't. She wants me to watch what she wants me to watch and that's when she wants me to watch it. Tells me it's okay for her to watch women because she's a woman though I tell her that doesn't make it okay. So that fuels my pleasure to enjoy what I view behind her back and happily destroying all evidence. She looks at magazines of "the sexiest men alive". I can't look at female celebs unless it's in front of her face when she chooses and even then gives me a hard time about it. Which fuels my viewing of them behind her back. I've caught her staring at other men and smiling about it while doing it. She'll either deny it or deflect to justify it. Idc if she is, it's the lies that annoy me. I feel It's okay to stare at other people so long as It's not obvious so that we don't embarress each other. Only Lord knows what else she probably thinks about men that she will take to the grave with her.

 

Based on the information I know or lack of I feel justified in my behavior and confused on if it is right or wrong. My fear is what if anything that she doesn't know about comes to light, I don't want it to ruin our marriage, though I'm confident I can talk my way out of it.

 

I love and hate this woman at the same time. I want to improve my marriage with her. I want to be a good husband, sometimes I'm not sure if I am. I don't want to end up divorced.

 

We used to be able to be honest about who we found attractive, and our thoughts of the opposit sex. That was untill one day she asked me about some 20 something year old next door. She asked me if I thought the girl was attractive, I said yes, which was true. Now keep in mind, my wife already thought the girl was attractive, so if I said no she would think I'm lying. But for me to say yes made her think I wanted the girl, which I don't. I don't want any other woman beyond my imagination. Now that we recovered from that by lying my way out of it she wants us to lie, to pretend we don't find other people attractive. It's nonsense, she is delusional. So I play a long. Incase it isn't obvious, I am the more committed one. Everytime we have a serious argument she threatens a divorse based on her intense false perception of reality and relatetionships.

 

I am confused, when I unintentionally notice an attractive woman I feel compelled into undressing her with my eyes and fantasizing what sex would be like with her. I feel bad about this. I feel as though I can't help it, which makes the morality of it even more complicated. Then there is the signs that my wife is having a field day in her own mind, which makes me think why should I drive myself crazy trying to ressist. And I'm not a hyprocrit, I'm willing to be okay with her doing to me whatever I do to her. I would even enjoy it and love her more for the embraced freedom we would share. I've shown her pictures of naked male models, porn stars, put on movies of her favorite actors, and even made love to her while she looks at them. Though she can never admit her pleasure of it, which keeps me with my pleasures in secrecy.

 

My definition of cheating is to have sex with someone else without your partners permission. I don't want to have sex with anyone else and I know she wouldn't give me permission. So I'm confident I won't cheat. But could my lust for others be too strong? I worry and wonder if it could lead to cheating. I don't want to cheat on her. I used to be a cheater growing up.

 

Do I try to advance this into a relationship of truth or continue to live in lies and try to be happy with it?

 

Do I repeatedly try to change how I think view other women despite my wife's thoughts or do I enjoy them, accept them, hope it doesn't lead to our ruin and move on?

 

I fear this is as good as our marriage gets atm and pray it doesn't naturally fall apart.

 

Some of you may advise I talk to her about ths, that is the worst thing I can do. She is demented, hyprocritical, vengeful, jealous, insecure, delusional, and crazy. But she is also a good person who means well. And I love her for the good I see in her.

 

I don't believe in divorce, and I know if I did leave her I could end up in another marriage just as bad or worse. I rather work on what I have and hope it gets better.

Edited September 6, 2014 by MrGoodGuy

[ja123]

Have you tried marriage counseling?

 

 

Physical attractiveness aside, your wife shouldn't be making your life a living hell.

[mickleb]

I'm sure there are things that you love about your wife but it certainly doesn't sound as if you love her, or her you. You sound afraid of the concept of separation but it could be the best thing you ever do.

 

I would tell her that you can't go on pretending. That it's ruining your sex life and that it's making you resentful of her. That you feel the only way forward is that you both get some help to communicate honestly with each other again, and ask her to get counselling with you. If she refuses, she is choosing to neglect your marriage to the extent that she may as well be leaving.

 

Stop living in fear. You can never be happy unless you learn how to do this.

[MrGoodGuy]

Everytime I bring up marriage counseling and how effective it is she refuses to go. I suspect it's her pride that prevents her from going. She claims to not want to go because it provokes argument. Personally I know she isn't very smart when it comes to argueing. But, other than that she's an intelligent.

 

Apart of me wants to leave her, the other part of me wants to stay. I don't know how much I'm suppose to sacrifice, compromise, and tolerate with the hope that things will get better and that I'll be happy. I'd say I'm semi happy. I have the determination of a god to fix this complexed problem, I just don't know how or where to start.

[mickleb]

Then I'd say that you sound more committed to making this work than she does. You have compromised yourself for her for a long time now. She needs to help both of you out and face reality.

 

She has no right to impose double standards on you and then pretend everything is fine. It's not and, if she doesn't deal with what's happening, it's going to split the two of you up.

 

You're clearly not happy and it's challenging your feelings for her. It's become ridiculous and it needs to be addressed. If she can't, or won't, do that, I'd suggest you seek counselling for yourself so that you can work out how you really feel about her, and what you need to do, so that you can confidently move forward in your life.