I really can't figure out what he wants

[babsr]

So we have been together for over a year and he moved to australia about a month ago. We originally were not going to do long distance because he does not know when or if he is coming back, and I am in grad school in new york for another two years.

 

But a couple months before he left he changed his mind and said we should try it. We a do a good job talking on the phone or skyping pretty much everyday, and sending each other emails, but lately it has been really hard with him traveling. Before he left he said he wanted me to come visit and that he would come visit me, but he couldnt plan a year into the future because he is not sure what he is doing yet. This worried me, but he said he would have to make sure he could find a solid job and an apartment before he knew if he would stay, or if he wasn't finding anything he might change his location, or go to grad school.

 

So we have been apart for almost a month now, and I just brought up coming to see him over christmas, and he said he would have to think about the timing because he is not completely settled. The thing is, while I know that logically that makes sense, I would be lying if a part of me didn't hope when I brought it up he would be super excited at the prospect of seeing me. I haven't spoken to him since because he is traveling and without internet for a week. And this not knowing is really making my life miserable right now.

 

Why would he be the one to initiate long distance, make such and effort to keep in touch during his travels, and then not want me to come? It doesn't make any sense. I wish I could talk to him and clarify this, because if he doesn't want me to come I don't think I can do this anymore. But he really didn't say much about it other than timing, and he was in the midst of catching a train so we didn't talk long. So maybe I am overreacting and just need to calm down because I don't know anything until I talk to him again?

 

I am really struggling here

[justwhoiam]

What kind of LDR did he ask for? Like let's keep in touch? Or exclusive bf/gf? Or?

 

Sorry if you already mentioned that in another post, but I don't remember.

 

I guess you should go on with a LDR only if he wants you to be his one and only girlfriend. So not depending on whether he can meet you for Christmas or not. Maybe he'd like you to stay at his place and he's not settled there yet? Maybe that's what he meant? Don't panic. Try to keep your cool until when you're able to have a proper voice conversation.

[babsr]

What kind of LDR did he ask for? Like let's keep in touch? Or exclusive bf/gf? Or?

 

Sorry if you already mentioned that in another post, but I don't remember.

 

I guess you should go on with a LDR only if he wants you to be his one and only girlfriend. So not depending on whether he can meet you for Christmas or not. Maybe he'd like you to stay at his place and he's not settled there yet? Maybe that's what he meant? Don't panic. Try to keep your cool until when you're able to have a proper voice conversation.

 

Yeah we are exclusive bf/gf and he says he loves me and doesn't want to be with anyone else. That was made clear before he left. He definitely wants me to stay at his place when eventually finds one (currently he is living on his friend's couch).

 

I am trying not to panic but I am not doing well...I'm having trouble eating and sleeping

[AlephNull]

Maybe what he meant was that he had to check whether he would have to work or something else of the sort? Also, if he's sleeping on a friend's couch, I doubt he knows when he'll get an apartment.

Maybe that's what he wants? Like justwhoiam said.

 

We are in September so there's a lot of time for planning until Christmas.

Try not to worry too much until you can actually talk with him about it more in detail.

[Ronni_W]

babsr,

I don't think there's anything to worry over or panic about, really.

 

He definitely wants me to stay at his place when eventually finds one (currently he is living on his friend's couch).

How possibly can HE not have gotten just a little anxious thinking about you coming to visit and "stay at his place"...when he is living on someone else' couch?

 

That's where his mind went first, is all. I'm sure he'd want to make it a great time together for both of you...but he just does not have all the resources, right now, to envision how he might be able to pull that off.

 

It could also be looked at as a "guy thing" -- he went to the practicalities of the matter; emotionally (the super-excitedness over your visit), will get caught up once the "how of it" is more clear in his mind.

 

A case can be made for YOU to back-track with something like, "You know, I was a little hasty...I get that we really can't plan on me visiting while you're still living on Friend's couch. We'll talk about it again after you've got your own place/after you feel more settled, stable/after you figure out where you'll even be at Christmas."

[babsr]

A case can be made for YOU to back-track with something like, "You know, I was a little hasty...I get that we really can't plan on me visiting while you're still living on Friend's couch. We'll talk about it again after you've got your own place/after you feel more settled, stable/after you figure out where you'll even be at Christmas."

 

I understand this, and I told him that I appreciated that it is a stressful time for him. But at the same time, I am really struggling here. And if I could do this one thing and book a ticket, and it saves me so much anxiety and stress, than I want to do it. Of course I don't want to cause him more anxiety and stress. But I know by the time it is Christmas he will have figured it out anyway. I'd also be happy to stay at an air bnb! I don't care - I just want to see him.

 

I guess since we still haven't talked about it (he's STILL traveling with no internet so we've only been able to text a little), I am still so anxious that he is going to say it is because he doesn't want me to come or doesn't want to make this work. Maybe that is really irrational of me, but it is simply a reflection of how insecure I get when he is traveling and so far away. Which again leads to me wanting to book a ticket.

[justwhoiam]

if I could do this one thing and book a ticket, and it saves me so much anxiety and stress, than I want to do it.

Are you able to sustain all the costs that come with that travel? If so, go for it.

 

This means you'll need money to:

- buy flight tickets

- pay for transfers (bus, taxi, whatever from the airport to your accomodation)

- pay for your accomodation (apartment, hotel room, whatever)

- pay for meals (breakfasts, lunches, dinners)

- pay for entertainment & leisure activities (theater, movie theater, museums, rides, shows, drinks at night, clubs, etc.)

 

Make a preplan and send it to him. Let him know that it's not final and everything can be changed and let him in when deciding things. And tell him you will pay for everything yourself. Then see what he says/thinks about it.

[babsr]

Ya I think when I talk to him I'm going to tell him about finding a flight and I can afford it because I have been working a lot.

 

But before I do that I want to figure out if his hesitation is his current living and job situation, or fears and anxieties about our relationship. I just hate that I still haven't been able to skype/call him!! And this is not something I want to discuss over text. I am really going insane over here...

[babsr]

we're supposed to finally talk tonight and i'm so scared of what he's going to say :S