Ex girlfriend wants me back

[W101]

Hey LS

 

Recently I've been through a whirlwind of times with my ex, we went on a break almost 3 weeks a go, she broke up with me a few days a go telling me she was in a relationship with someone else, now, out of nowhere, she's telling me she wants me back, that the guy she's with now can't compare to what we had together, she says she misses me and wants to work through whatever may come our way.

 

 

We where together for 6 years, the relationship was as close to perfect as any realistic person could hope for it to be, however, certain circumstances came to light and that ship sailed and sank pretty fast.

 

 

I'm in 2 minds on how to handle this, I want her back, I love her, I don't think either of us could be happier with anyone else, however, I don't want her back, at least not right now, I have a vivid imagination, so the idea of her with someone else will likely play over and over again in my mind while I'm with her, I'm sure these thoughts will inevitably leave my mind, probably when I'm bored of hurting myself thinking about it, which will take some time.

 

 

I honesty don't know which way to go about this, towards the end of our phone call, she gave me the impression if I didn't take her back now, there would be no chance in the future for us, but the future is the only time I ever see us being back together, also, it's hard to say yes when she is still in a relationship with her new guy, which to me, has red flag written all over it.

 

 

I've been in limited contact with her because of our situation, but once that situation goes away, I'm considering no contact, no contract, rather than taking her up on her ultimatum.

 

 

Thoughts please?

[mammasita]

Oh hell no......helllllllll no.

 

You're right to think red light about her still being in a relationship with this new guy and saying she wants you back. That's a person who can't be alone. HUGE RED FLAG. run far away and hell no.

[Clay]

If she broke right up with you after six years and already was in another relationship with in a week you can bet she was cheating on you. I never recommend staying with a cheater. She might not have cheated but what does it say on how much of a loss you were to her if she hops right in bed with someone else that quick. To many negatives and unanswered questions. I would at least give yourself some time think it through.

 

Clay

[Dontfindme]

She continues to be in a relationship with this other guy, and gives YOU ultimatums? She's in NO position to do so. I strongly urge you to move on. This is not the kind of person you want back. If her feelings were genuine she would be making an honest effort to win back the relationship, and that can't be done by switching from one relationship to another when the novelty of it wears off.

 

Go NC, and don't look back.

[Mangina]

You should take her back, maybe she was having problems when she left you.

[thefooloftheyear]

Hey LS

 

Recently I've been through a whirlwind of times with my ex, we went on a break almost 3 weeks a go, she broke up with me a few days a go telling me she was in a relationship with someone else, now, out of nowhere, she's telling me she wants me back, that the guy she's with now can't compare to what we had together, she says she misses me and wants to work through whatever may come our way.

 

 

We where together for 6 years, the relationship was as close to perfect as any realistic person could hope for it to be, however, certain circumstances came to light and that ship sailed and sank pretty fast.

 

 

I'm in 2 minds on how to handle this, I want her back, I love her, I don't think either of us could be happier with anyone else, however, I don't want her back, at least not right now, I have a vivid imagination, so the idea of her with someone else will likely play over and over again in my mind while I'm with her, I'm sure these thoughts will inevitably leave my mind, probably when I'm bored of hurting myself thinking about it, which will take some time.

 

 

I honesty don't know which way to go about this, towards the end of our phone call, she gave me the impression if I didn't take her back now, there would be no chance in the future for us, but the future is the only time I ever see us being back together, also, it's hard to say yes when she is still in a relationship with her new guy, which to me, has red flag written all over it.

 

 

I've been in limited contact with her because of our situation, but once that situation goes away, I'm considering no contact, no contract, rather than taking her up on her ultimatum.

 

 

Thoughts please?

 

There is also the possibility that they wont leave your mind...

 

She sounds pretty effed up..surely you can do better....sometimes in life we have to let go of things we love because it just doesnt "fit"

 

Good luck

 

TFY

[Polak]

Let's break down the issue:

 

Relationship for 6 years.

Girl breaks up with you.

Immediately enters into new relationship (super fishy, sounds like cheating).

3 wks later wants you back, but is still in a relationship (she doesn't sound serious, and she doesn't know what she wants).

 

If I were you I'd refrain from contacting her again. She is playing with relationships as if they are some game. I personally am someone who does not tolerate cheating whatsoever, and I mean that to my core. I would instantly kick a b*tch to the curb if I found out I was cheated on. Now, unless you find evidence of her cheating, you can't answer that as truth, but the circumstances make it seem very plausible.

 

She also doesn't have any authority to be setting ultimatums, as a poster above mentioned. It sounds like she thinks she has power by setting terms like that. Fortunately it's the other way around. I would just end all contact right now and be done with it. Find someone who actually values you and your feelings.

[W101]

Thanks for all the great replies, I'd have to agree with all of you, I think she takes me for an idiot, if she thinks the thought hadn't crossed my mind that the relationship probably started before we broke up.

 

It's been a while since I feel the way that I do now, way back when I met her 6 years a go and we where on the edge of getting together, she opted for a relationship with another guy instead, seemingly came out of nowhere, that lasted 2 months and I realize now, she had me on the sidelines incase it didn't work out, that had me feeling quite worthless back then, not nearly as worthless as I feel now, the situation now may be different entirely, but still feels awfully familiar.

 

 

She has contacted me since with a hot and cold attitude, she claims she has ended the relationship and only wants me, I told her I want some time away from her to heal and fully come to terms with the situation, she said she can't be away from me because it's too painful, she then went on to claim everything except sex occurred between them, I snidely replied "well, if that's all it was then sure, I'll take you back, said no man in his right mind ever in his life", from there the conversation snowballed and once she started shouting, I immediately bailed the conversation, she has attempted to contact in more ways than one since, but right now, I have nothing to say to her.

 

 

I could never forgive cheating, if I find out that was the case, I'm gone and never coming back, until then, I shall remain NC for the time being and see how things turn out.

[leoc1973]

I don't think you should feel worthless at all. The first guy 6 years ago she chose you. And now given a chance with another guy she chose you again. You have no right feeling worthless. She is worthless. You hold the power and the cards and to me you seem quite strong. About 95 % of us are usually putty in a woman's hands and we go running right back but you are strong enough to step back from the situation and think rationally. Good for you.

 

As far as getting the thought out of your head... We men all have vivid imaginations and this happened to me before and you can't ever get the thought out of your head. One of my ex's kept questioning why I wouldn't go down on her anymore and I kept my mouth shut but I wanted to say, "Because I have no idea how many penises have been in there lately" lol but seriously it took like 2 years for me to not think about it anymore.

 

You will never look at her the same so what you should do is tell her to dump the new guy and you will take her back and after she does tell her to go F herself. He's a worm too for moving in on your relationship so you can at least return the favor and screw theirs up.

[No Limit]

If cheating is a no-go for you, don't even consider taking her back or breaking NC, ever. Blocking or sending her messages to the new guy would be better and quite more funny.

[W101]

Leoc1973 - Thanks for the vote of confidence, your comment made me feel a whole lot better, I really should rephrase what I said, I should have said I feel and felt worthless through her eyes, I've never been someone who felt my own self worth was determined through others, Thinking back on the guy from 6 years a go and thinking about this guy she just dated, I can only think "why does it take her till after she's done something/somebody stupid to realize this".

 

I think at some point, most men have been putty in a womans hands, I've had one or two long term relationships end abruptly for all kinds of reasons, the end result has always been the same, the breakup stays broken, I think after a while, when you reflect on past breakups, you learn a thing or two, as painful an experience as a breakup was, I was always grateful for the life lessons I'd learned that I could apply to other walks of life other than relationships.

 

 

Your penises comment is right on the money lol I've taken back cheaters, heck even just girls who've told me about their past, didn't take long before the relationship snuffed it after that, I'd look my exes in the eyes and all I could see was the guy's faces that they'd had sex with, any kind of sexual remark just made me think of them doing the sexual act with one of many guys they'd been with, it would even catch me off guard at work lol, no matter how old and wise I get, I don't think there'll even come a time when I don't overkill my brain thinking of stuff like that.

 

 

Your completely right about not seeing her the same way, as much as she's made the breakup harder, she's also made it easier, in the past I've been guilty of obsessively thinking of exes after a breakup, wondering if they'd been with anyone and if they hadn't, things could work out, it really held me back, I don't have to think about that with her, every time I've looked at a picture of her since, I've seen the back of his head, that was my ice bucket challenge lol, as much as I love her, I can't be with her after that.

 

 

I really hate guys that butt in to other peoples relationships, it's like, there's billions of women in the world, why settle for my woman?, of she ever gets back together with him or is lying about breaking up with him for a reaction from me, I'll definitely try out that advice lol.

[leoc1973]

Thanks for rephrasing. I know what you mean now. But still now in her eyes you are the one she wants and is probably hating herself for screwing it up.

 

I almost can't blame women. It's the media and social networks that do it to them. I almost think they aren't in their right mind when they screw up like that. There seems to be some kind of feminine movement now a days where women are demanding more than they used to. It's like you have to be a rich tall ripped good looking doctor. Oh wait and if you are a doctor you had better only work 40 hours a week because then there is the excuse that you are never around. If you don't have all of those qualities then they are going to think they are missing out on something in life. It's that whole YOLO thing and it's insane.

 

And then with the social network thing they are being bombarded with messages from guy after guy and if they even give them an inch of daylight and respond then the next thing you know those guys are hitting them with the "you are so beautiful" "if I was your man I would treat you like a queen" "what are you doing with (then they call you the wrong name, If it's Tom they will call you Todd)" "you could have any guy you want" ect. I have seen the messages from my new girl. She is literally showing me 3 or 4 messages from guys a day. It's relentless.

 

So then if your relationship is a tiny bit stale or if you are fighting lately they drive a wedge. People love someone to tell their problems to that actually listen and those guys play the part perfectly. Next thing you know a relationship that was going to go through a rough patch now turns into a breakup. Usually around 3 years and 6 years. I swear those "7 year itch" is almost dead on. But more like 6 it seems.

 

But then they realize what they have done because you should have never broken up in the first place. A relationship that is otherwise strong gets snuffed out and then it hits them... they realize that worm of a man is just another guy. He is nothing special and definitely not mr perfect.

 

But it's funny you say that. Out of billions of girls. I say that all the time. Billions of women and he had to take mine.

 

I have a theory though about those guys that take other mens women. They are insecure and can't handle "real" rejection so they hit on women who have boyfriends because if they are rejected its "because she has a boyfriend" not because they are less of a man and just plain not good enough. I myself wouldn't ever touch another mans woman. As a matter of fact I wouldn't even date women just out of relationships. Those are the needy women that can't take it to be alone and it's just going to end up in hurt because they always seem to go back. I am not going to be a fall back guy or No. 2.

[W101]

Leoc1973 - Thanks for such an insightful reply, that was a really good read, as much as I love her and want to protect her from any emotional harm, I hope she is hating herself a little, all those years a go I kept my mouth shut and when she did finally decide or realize ( I don't know which ) that I was the one for her, I felt as I feel now, that I was given the consolation prize, she could do all that with no fear of any consequence, I almost think she felt it was her right to be able to do that.

 

 

Your completely right in what you say, we live in an idealistic society, people tell you to be happy with exactly who you are, only, being exactly that just doesn't cut it, it's funny you should use that example of having to be a good looking doctor because this guy just finished his medical studies, is good looking and goes to the gym, the last time we talked she told me it was his idea for her to go on a break with me "you need your privacy" "he's holding you back from living your life and having fun" "your missing out on your life while your stuck in a rut" he says, as far as I knew, she never wanted or gave any impression she felt she was missing out at all.

 

 

She used to be naive, falling for every word, getting herself in to situations she wished she hadn't because somebody told her something he qouted from a movie "I want to build you a house" oh boy, doesn't that sound familiar... lol could of at least picked out a less than popular movie, they used to pop up all the time on her phone through messenger, just one random guys face after the next, the fact your new girl shows you this means she's considerate and trustworthy, your a lucky guy, my ex always had her phone locked by pin.

 

 

You painted the most accurate picture, because that's definitely how it happened, she thinks it should excuse her and we should simply go back to how we where, she doesn't realize that can't happen, she comes across as having an entitlement and it has to happen, I always told her it's rare men and women can only be "just friends", it happens but mostly there's a lot of on the side sex that accompanies it, she said this guy only wanted friendship, I called BS and looks like I was right lol.

 

 

She has definitely realized her mistakes now, she realized pretty quickly by most rebound standards, now she has to realize that I'm not her personal plaything, that my stance is that I don't have to accept that or even deal with that, I can expect better from myself and expect better from somebody else in the future that wouldn't ever put me in that terrible position.

 

 

I'm tired of being the inevitable second choice.

[dclan]

 

I almost can't blame women. It's the media and social networks that do it to them. I almost think they aren't in their right mind when they screw up like that. There seems to be some kind of feminine movement now a days where women are demanding more than they used to. It's like you have to be a rich tall ripped good looking doctor. Oh wait and if you are a doctor you had better only work 40 hours a week because then there is the excuse that you are never around. If you don't have all of those qualities then they are going to think they are missing out on something in life. It's that whole YOLO thing and it's insane.

 

And then with the social network thing they are being bombarded with messages from guy after guy and if they even give them an inch of daylight and respond then the next thing you know those guys are hitting them with the "you are so beautiful" "if I was your man I would treat you like a queen" "what are you doing with (then they call you the wrong name, If it's Tom they will call you Todd)" "you could have any guy you want" ect. I have seen the messages from my new girl. She is literally showing me 3 or 4 messages from guys a day. It's relentless.

 

So then if your relationship is a tiny bit stale or if you are fighting lately they drive a wedge. People love someone to tell their problems to that actually listen and those guys play the part perfectly. Next thing you know a relationship that was going to go through a rough patch now turns into a breakup. Usually around 3 years and 6 years. I swear those "7 year itch" is almost dead on. But more like 6 it seems.

 

But then they realize what they have done because you should have never broken up in the first place. A relationship that is otherwise strong gets snuffed out and then it hits them... they realize that worm of a man is just another guy. He is nothing special and definitely not mr perfect.

 

I just loved this...its so true.....

 

And I agree completly with this statement.

 

Women break up with you for silly reasons, thinking there are better things out there.

 

At first their new person seems like the perfect match, but then after a couple of weeks/months, they realise the new person is not perfect, and might be even worse than u.

 

 

My ex broke up with me after 8 years, a few weeks after breaking up she started dating someone new, she moved in with this guy 3 months after starting dating him, they got engaged, they were planning a wedding, 4 months after the engagement she starts to freakout, starts calling me telling me she loved me and misses me.

 

A few weeks later, she comes to my place, cheats on her fiance with me, cries, goes back to him, stays with him for 2 more months, breaks up with him, starts calling me again saying she misses me, that she loved me, etc.

 

Who the f*** gets women?

Edited September 8, 2014 by dclan

[Priv]

She has definitely realized her mistakes now, she realized pretty quickly by most rebound standards, now she has to realize that I'm not her personal plaything, that my stance is that I don't have to accept that or even deal with that, I can expect better from myself and expect better from somebody else in the future that wouldn't ever put me in that terrible position.

 

 

I'm tired of being the inevitable second choice.

 

Or maybe she didn't have a choice in realizing her mistake and he did not want to go on with her...

 

 

But being second choice is pretty self evident. Sorry man.

[leoc1973]

its hilarious how typical almost every breakup is. I have been in 3 separate 6 year relationships. They all seem to end the same way. A girlfriend who is completely happy. You know how to tell they are when they look at you with those adoring eyes. They brag to their friends about the sweet things you do and seem to talk of the far future with you.

 

They all end the same way. Some rich guy. 2 of the times they were doctors. They get into their heads and I have seen all the lines they give them. Next thing you know their phone is either "dead" all the time or on vibrate. They start going to the gym and tanning and the dead giveaway is new sexy underwear.

 

Then I meet someone new or don't chase them the way they thought I would and they lose their minds. If you give them another chance they are "confused" they don't know what to do or who to pick so you are strung along for months while this new guy decides to stay with her or not.

 

It's so funny how we all think our relationships are special or different and stronger than those other peoples relationships but they are all the same. If you are going through a rough spot and the right guy comes along at the right time you are screwed.

 

But thanks for the comment on my new girl. Yeah she seems like one of the good ones. She volunteers the messages I never have asked to see her phone. I guess its the price we pay for dating hot women!

 

What is the saying? "if you wanna be happy for the rest of your life? make a ugly woman your wife." lol

[lolablue17]

Some people are tempted to think like it's an electronic store. You can choose from a variety of products, take some products home for 14 days trial period, and then to choose what's you think is best.

 

Well, relationship aren't like that. The other person is not a product, and anyway, in order to create a real relationship you have to invest a lot and be commited. If you're not 100% there it wont work.

 

Also you can't press the Pause button, meanwhile to try other guys, and then press the PLAY button again like nothing has happened. It will never be the same, actually it'll be something new.

 

I admire the way you handled this. Not now because what you had before is history. Only maybe in the future after a long time as if it's brand new R.