She is gone - brief "relationship" ends with heartbreak

[nineball]

One Friday night before I was going to out to play pool a beautiful woman that I was interested in had replied to my message in a dating site. I replied to her msg and asked if she wanted to chat. The first night we chatted from 9pm-5:30am. She then gave me her cell and house number. From the next one month we talked between 2-4 hours daily and around 600 text messages just checking on each other and telling each other what is going on. We shared personal, family and friends details that we have never shared with anybody, at least for me....this is as deep as it gets....meaning no holds barred. I therefore felt I had an online girlfriend. Even when we talked about everything including sex, nothing was forced and I was completely being myself and her as well. We also skyped and were friends on facebook so we know how each other really looks and also social life.

 

 

 

We decided to meet one of the weekends in the fourth week, the first free weekend in that busy month. I was to go and spend a weekend in her house. She has a three month rule or so she says and no sex was expected or needed for me. I was going to see my "online girlfriend" with the hope having a great time and finally see her. To say I was excited is an understatement, and I was in cloud nine. A sidenote I just have to mention she has intimacy issues which she had mentioned before. She lives about 5 hours from me, and I drove from 9pm on a Friday night in order to avoid traffic. I got to her place at 2:30pm...and she met me in the parking lot where we hugged tightly and a quick close mouth kiss. I was excited to see "my" woman. When we got to her house I gave her another hug and quick closed mouth kiss, less than 10 seconds, just happy to see her. After that we went to the living room and sat listening to music and talking until 6:30am. This was my best time here as she danced and sang for me, I was happy. We decided to goto bed at 6:30pm. We went upstairs to her bed and her in pj's and me in my underware and t-shirt. We slept with me spooning her...felt good.

 

 

 

In the morning we work up at 10am. She is not a morning person and this is something I knew from our talks. She made breakfast and we ate. I noticed she was not been relaxed and free and she said that it's because she had shutdown. She said that when I come in I was too touchy and she had felt I invaded her space. I listened to her and just said that I was so happy to see her. None of my greeting were sexual, just some guy excited to see the woman he truly had feelings for. She said it would be good if I left...I was very hurt and dumbfounded, and I asked her if I could sleep for 2 hours before my drive back. After 2 hours I work up and got ready to drive back. She gave me a hug and asked me to text her when I got home, and said one of her friend who know her, had told her meeting this way would not work, and we can meet later maybe halfway and go for a date. When I arrived home I texted her and she said she was glad I had arrived ok

 

 

This is where it goes south. On Monday I texted her and I apologize if I did anything that made her uncomfortable. She says she appreciates the apology and would be okay with time. I am very confused with what happened and I have no clue. Four days later I sent another text just asking for an expanation of what I did that made her so mad. She say that she understands where I am coming from, and she has been dealing with a migrance and will call me over the weekend. I will let you guys know that this is a woman who one day driving to work saw a dead man and called her kids and then me saying she wanted to

make sure that the most important people in her life were okay. Also just before my visit she indeed had gone to the ER because of a migrane and the Doc diagnosed an abscess, nothing major just tylenol and warm compress. Shew texted me before going to the ER so that I could know where she was and so that she does not miss my call...just putting the context of our "relationship".

 

 

Three days later at 1am she send me a long message on fb.She explains that the last one week she has been hanging with an ex-boyfriend who had reconnected with her after my visit. She says they want to give it another. She wishes me the best and says that we can still be friend, but she understands if I do not want too. I felt this was a dagger right through my heart and I just broke down and cried. I do not reply just then, but four days later on a friday before heading out I reply. The four days after her message were very painful and I am really heart-broken. My reply is vindictive and angry in nature, and I cronologically outline our brief "relatioship" and letting her know I still do not really understand what happened. The last thing I say is how she would feel if I shared some things I know with one nosy friend she has who I felt was always up in other peoples business. I head out that friday, and as soon as she reads the message on fb she calls me. I ignore her call and she replies on fb vaguely challenging my recollection of events, and also saying it

was over and never to contact her again. She also sends me a text saying the same. I am confused and angry and do not have a good sleep....my intention for sending her the negative email was to make her hurt just as I was. I can not fight this way and I call her the next day, she answers my call and I apologize for my email..We also talk about what happened and she basically says I was not the guy who she thought when I visited her, I still do not get it completely. I was a gentleman and my intentions were always 100% genuine. We talk for about 1/2 an hour, and she says she had to go.

 

 

I have come to terms that it is over, but I am heart-broken. At this stage in my life I thought I had it figured out, and two months ago I would not be in this situation. This is the first time in my life when I was involved in an emotional "relationship", my heart was init 100%, and everything I ever said to her was 100%. I am not a sharing person and although I am social and talk alot, I never go holds barred to deep stuff. With this woman I shared all, and I know she shared all as well. I will say I

would never disclose anything she said to me and in the email it was said to get a reaction. So my heart still aches, it was not a guarantee that it would work but the silence leading to the email, the way she told me about it through fb message, her moving on one week after our relationship". This "relationship" hurts more than when my long term relationships end....I was ready for a long relationship, gave my heart 100%, and I am now just heartbroken. I think of what I did wrong, which I have not completely figured out. I am even ashamed that this very brief "relationship" is having an effect on me.

 

 

I hope my writing this here will help me get some closure. I have never given my heart 100% and I admit it hurts. I know and believe that she is gone for good, but why does it still hurt. In the past I would be over this kind of situation in 3 days tops, but I have never shared everthing (even stuff my close friend do not know) with another human being. I just feel heartbroken and betrayed.

 

 

I have been in two long and loving relationships, one 15 years and the other 5 years. Those two women do not know my really deep personal stuff about myself and family as this woman. I think I had made a conscious effort to completely give my all in my next relationship and I thought I found the right person. She has been married twice and both husband cheated on her...In my hurtful email I did suggest that she may subconsciously enjoy hurting men. I know both of this guy hurt her and I do know all the detail.

 

Sorry for the long post, I just have to let it out.

Edited September 6, 2014 by nineball

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

At least she is honest and did tell you... Don't take it badly. Believe it or not, you still have an open door, and may see her another time.

 

See if she will allow you to contact her via emails, to be friends. After all you have given her your trust. She may accept friendship, or may not when she is involved. There is no guarantee but don't go thinking all was for not.

 

I don't see anything you did was wrong, she probably felt guilty, before you got there and wanted you to enjoy what you had with her. I think she will have you in mind if things don't turn out for her.

[nineball]

At least she is honest and did tell you... Don't take it badly. Believe it or not, you still have an open door, and may see her another time.

 

See if she will allow you to contact her via emails, to be friends. After all you have given her your trust. She may accept friendship, or may not when she is involved. There is no guarantee but don't go thinking all was for not.

 

I don't see anything you did was wrong, she probably felt guilty, before you got there and wanted you to enjoy what you had with her. I think she will have you in mind if things don't turn out for her.

 

Thank you for the reply. I do believe she is a good person. I have never been so sure of something for it to just disappear. To some that time is so little and insignificant, but when you have a connection from day 1 and give it 100%, share so much.

 

 

I say again, I never thought a woman would have this effect. She did offer friendship in her initial email, which I rejected in my negative email back. I did send her a goodbye text yesterday, a good tone with reflection and wishing her the best. I will post it here later.

 

 

My thing is that it felt so good to completely share with some I really care for, and it hurts that a misconception of my intentions led to this. Maybe she feels in her mind I went for a booty call (intimacy issues I mentioned before), this was the furthest thing in my mind....I wanted this woman completely....just spend some time with her, go to the beach and do nothing. It's so sad that with all good intentions it has all disappeared.

 

 

This life is so interesting!

[Jules Dash]

I don't think you did any thing wrong. I think that once you two finally met it was sort of like the moment of truth and the butterflies just wasn't there for her as she probably had anticipated they would have been.

 

I don't believe the whole thing about her ex boyfriend suddenly coming back into the picture. I think she said this just to really demonstrate to you how there would be no chance of you two having a relationship. She knew if she told you that if it was someone else and it was an ex, you would lose hope and move on.

 

I have learned that no matter how safe you may think it is to give out so many secrets in your life over a short period of time, it is always not a good idea to do so. Don't share too much in the beginning. It is to protect yourself. Most of the times, this information is used against you in some shape or form rather than creating a deep , emotional bond quickly.

 

She spooned with you in her own bed yet think you violated her personal space? Typical. This is not unusual behavior to me. When I recognize it, I am gone.

 

I would not contact this woman again. If she contact you again in the future and you can handle the fact that she will never be yours then fine.

[Jules Dash]

Thank you for the reply. I do believe she is a good person. I have never been so sure of something for it to just disappear. To some that time is so little and insignificant, but when you have a connection from day 1 and give it 100%, share so much.

 

 

I say again, I never thought a woman would have this effect. She did offer friendship in her initial email, which I rejected in my negative email back. I did send her a goodbye text yesterday, a good tone with reflection and wishing her the best. I will post it here later.

 

 

My thing is that it felt so good to completely share with some I really care for, and it hurts that a misconception of my intentions led to this. Maybe she feels in her mind I went for a booty call (intimacy issues I mentioned before), this was the furthest thing in my mind....I wanted this woman completely....just spend some time with her, go to the beach and do nothing. It's so sad that with all good intentions it has all disappeared.

 

 

This life is so interesting!

 

 

She didn't think you were there for a booty call. Get that out of your head. You shared so much information with her, drove hours to see her and showed that you were upset when she ended things. The magic just didn't happen for her like it did for you when you two were finally together. You went with the flow and got caught up. It's all a part of the game.

[ThorntonMelon]

Nine - first of all, my condolences on your emotional hurt.

 

Now, to the reality part.

 

Nothing that happens online counts once you meet. Period. She was living a fantasy, you were living a reality. I suspect she loved your attention until it actually got real and she was forced to deal with it. Just a guess.

 

Either way, you only made one mistake as far as I'm concerned and that was to argue with her about your version of events. When she flaked on you, you should have been prepared for it, and simply wished her well, and vanished.

 

I am not crapping on LDR, but they need to exist with a basis in reality. A good lesson for all to invest heavily in someone thats never actually been with them.

 

I'm very sorry you went through this.

[nineball]

I don't think you did any thing wrong. I think that once you two finally met it was sort of like the moment of truth and the butterflies just wasn't there for her as she probably had anticipated they would have been.

 

I don't believe the whole thing about her ex boyfriend suddenly coming back into the picture. I think she said this just to really demonstrate to you how there would be no chance of you two having a relationship. She knew if she told you that if it was someone else and it was an ex, you would lose hope and move on.

 

I have learned that no matter how safe you may think it is to give out so many secrets in your life over a short period of time, it is always not a good idea to do so. Don't share too much in the beginning. It is to protect yourself. Most of the times, this information is used against you in some shape or form rather than creating a deep , emotional bond quickly.

 

She spooned with you in her own bed yet think you violated her personal space? Typical. This is not unusual behavior to me. When I recognize it, I am gone.

 

I would not contact this woman again. If she contact you again in the future and you can handle the fact that she will never be yours then fine.

 

 

You have brought it back to reality. The thing is I now get it, but in my moments of reflection it still hurts. I cannot say I am a good guy, but this time my heart was ready and I gave it all....no filters.

 

 

Maybe I should have found this site when I was in the thick of it. I did send her a brief text message yesterday, a goodbye message with some reflection. Will post it later

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

I don't think you did any thing wrong. I think that once you two finally met it was sort of like the moment of truth and the butterflies just wasn't there for her as she probably had anticipated they would have been.

 

I don't believe the whole thing about her ex boyfriend suddenly coming back into the picture. I think she said this just to really demonstrate to you how there would be no chance of you two having a relationship. She knew if she told you that if it was someone else and it was an ex, you would lose hope and move on.

 

I have learned that no matter how safe you may think it is to give out so many secrets in your life over a short period of time, it is always not a good idea to do so. Don't share too much in the beginning. It is to protect yourself. Most of the times, this information is used against you in some shape or form rather than creating a deep , emotional bond quickly.

 

She spooned with you in her own bed yet think you violated her personal space? Typical. This is not unusual behavior to me. When I recognize it, I am gone.

 

I would not contact this woman again. If she contact you again in the future and you can handle the fact that she will never be yours then fine.

 

You may be right... but I hold on to what has happened as a positive. A woman would not allow a guy to stay over without sex and give him the boot in the morning, unless he did something wrong. She could have told the OP before allowing him to say over that she was not interested, but did not want to ruin the time and efforts. If anything the women I knew and know would not have gone through such a process to dump a guy the morning after.

 

She was giving the OP every chance to get her Ex out of mind... that is very difficult and odds are stacked against him. As for good or bad it is 50/50, but the OP should have allowed the woman to make judgement on any further contact as friends, instead of closing the door softly on the way out.

 

Some women will think bad for doing such a thing, and believe the guy that got left out will be too hurt to think of trusting them again. So she may not even think of friendship. Thus the no goodbye email to allow any friendship to be available.

[nineball]

Nine - first of all, my condolences on your emotional hurt.

 

Now, to the reality part.

 

Nothing that happens online counts once you meet. Period. She was living a fantasy, you were living a reality. I suspect she loved your attention until it actually got real and she was forced to deal with it. Just a guess.

 

Either way, you only made one mistake as far as I'm concerned and that was to argue with her about your version of events. When she flaked on you, you should have been prepared for it, and simply wished her well, and vanished.

 

I am not crapping on LDR, but they need to exist with a basis in reality. A good lesson for all to invest heavily in someone thats never actually been with them.

 

I'm very sorry you went through this.

 

 

When things began to go sour I was not using strategy, but going with how I felt. I now understand "online" relationships...maybe I felt we were different....talked so much and were so involved in each other's life. She told me everything going on with her day, what she was doing after work....who she was meeting....I knew everything, so I too lost perspective....I also told her everything. I got caught up in it and thought it was a real relationship. For my part the foundations were good, we could talk for hours, just natural nothing forced, she is beautiful, hardworking, into fitness and our view of life was somehow similar. I know people talk a lot in the beginning, but eventually you run out of stuff to say, we even talked about that.

 

 

No doubt this is a big lesson for me. I just could not contemplate this happening when in the midst of the lovey dovey stuff.

[ThorntonMelon]

We've all been there.

 

I'd recommend therapy to discuss why you attached so much to someone who could not satisfy any of your in person needs, why you were willing to settle for half a relationship.

 

Again - a lot of us have been there - but you have an underlying issue causing this and it makes sense while you "recover" to deal with it.

[nineball]

We've all been there.

 

I'd recommend therapy to discuss why you attached so much to someone who could not satisfy any of your in person needs, why you were willing to settle for half a relationship.

 

Again - a lot of us have been there - but you have an underlying issue causing this and it makes sense while you "recover" to deal with it.

 

 

I do not think I had settled. For me this was just the beginning of a long journey. It took so long to meet because we both were having a very busy month. I have never been one to share so this was out of character and I went full blast. It was a combination of things, maybe I was looking for a more meaningful relationship, though I met the right person and we clicked.

 

 

I agree personal reflection is important.

[Jules Dash]

I do not think I had settled. For me this was just the beginning of a long journey. It took so long to meet because we both were having a very busy month. I have never been one to share so this was out of character and I went full blast. It was a combination of things, maybe I was looking for a more meaningful relationship, though I met the right person and we clicked.

 

 

I agree personal reflection is important.

 

 

You will be tempted to share again on this sort of level in the future. Don't. Trust me.

 

Someone else is going to come along tomorrow, next week or two months from now and there is going to be this flow and you will think that maybe she is the one so I can tell her the combinations to all of the safes. Don't do it. Be protective of your personal life. You want to create a bond but this should be done very gradually. Like I said, this stuff is mostly used against you rather than giving someone a warm, fuzzy feeling in the stomach about you.

 

 

Like Thorton said, we all have been there. At some earlier points in my life, I would call it Tuesday.

[nineball]

You will be tempted to share again on this sort of level in the future. Don't. Trust me.

 

Someone else is going to come along tomorrow, next week or two months from now and there is going to be this flow and you will think that maybe she is the one so I can tell her the combinations to all of the safes. Don't do it. Be protective of your personal life. You want to create a bond but this should be done very gradually. Like I said, this stuff is mostly used against you rather than giving someone a warm, fuzzy feeling in the stomach about you.

 

 

Like Thorton said, we all have been there. At some earlier points in my life, I would call it Tuesday.

 

 

In the past no sharing was the issue for me. This was new for me and I got burnt. It happened so gradually and naturally, nothing was forced.

 

 

I am not trying to show I am a good guy, but anything she told me especially all the details of her family will never be told to anybody....I too have hope that she will not disclose my personal stuff, it would not benefit anyone.

 

 

I feel more open, I was raised to be a man and we did not share feelings or cried. Maybe I will also leave this little chapter with a new way of thinking.

[Jules Dash]

In the past no sharing was the issue for me. This was new for me and I got burnt. It happened so gradually and naturally, nothing was forced.

 

 

I am not trying to show I am a good guy, but anything she told me especially all the details of her family will never be told to anybody....I too have hope that she will not disclose my personal stuff, it would not benefit anyone.

 

 

I feel more open, I was raised to be a man and we did not share feelings or cried. Maybe I will also leave this little chapter with a new way of thinking.

 

 

My point is that it has never happened before until it happened this time but if you keep on dating, the opportunity will come again. Stick around.

 

 

It's ok to be open, just not too open. That wasn't the real issue here. The real issue here was that after you met, she couldn't convince herself to continue to be interested in you after you two finally met. Women have different ways of reacting to this.

[nineball]

My point is that it has never happened before until it happened this time but if you keep on dating, the opportunity will come again. Stick around.

 

 

It's ok to be open, just not too open. That wasn't the real issue here. The real issue here was that after you met, she couldn't convince herself to continue to be interested in you after you two finally met. Women have different ways of reacting to this.

 

 

I guess men and women are different creatures. For me meeting was just a continuation of the journey, and for her it was new experience to validate if this was right. You are right, at that point she did not feel it. I still think I should have been given another chance, maybe a normal date, we had shared so much that I thought I deserved a second chance. The silence after that was tough to bear, after talking everyday for a minimum of 2 hours daily since the first contact.

 

 

It's feels nice to let this all out. I think holding it in was really hurting me. I know and believe she is with her ex-boyfriend. I have let go, but the hurt comes back on and off...I did send a good bye text yesterday, 1 week after our last contact...She has not replied, maybe I just wanted her to keep the friendship option open. I would not have taken it right now, maybe in the future, I never hold grudges and I could see it happening.

 

 

Here is the last message I wrote and sent through text..and I did mean everything I wrote.

 

Hi xxxxx, please read my last msg. I just read my initial reaction to your msg. That was written when I was in shock, angry, sad and it all come out. I think I caused you disappointment and hurt, and I do apologize for anything I did that may have had that effect.. While the time we knew each other may seen very little and insignificant to others, for me it was not. I have never opened up to someone that way, and I also think u completely opened up to me as well. So at some level we had a connection and for that I am happy....As I told u before my heart was 100% in it and I was in the seat getting ready for long journey. That it did not happen does not negate the fact that it was a happy period...I hope u can feel I brought u happiness in this brief time...I leave positively, and will remember your laugh...keep laughing....when I talked to you the last time, I could feel u were in a happy place...I wish u happiness....I still think you are a special person and u deserve it.

Edited September 6, 2014 by nineball

[bubbaganoosh]

It's one thing if she wants to try to get back with her boyfriend and yeah she should be old and mature enough that news like that could hurt another person because in all honestly it would.

 

But what I don't understand and never will is something like being dumped for whatever reason warrants a phone call at least. This crap about sending a text message saying "Hey got another guy kiss my ass haha" in so many words is bull $h!t. It's called doing the right thing, plain and simple and if she can't be mature enough to give you the common courtesy of a phone call then she ain't worth the salt of your tears.

[Jules Dash]

Ok now that you got that off your chest no more contact. Anything additional from you will cross into the creepy zone and ain't no coming back from the creepy zone. The creepy zone is forever. It's worse than the friend zone.

 

 

Some day, ironically, you will look back and appreciate what happened. It's dating experience and a lesson to take forward with you.

[nineball]

It's one thing if she wants to try to get back with her boyfriend and yeah she should be old and mature enough that news like that could hurt another person because in all honestly it would.

 

But what I don't understand and never will is something like being dumped for whatever reason warrants a phone call at least. This crap about sending a text message saying "Hey got another guy kiss my ass haha" in so many words is bull $h!t. It's called doing the right thing, plain and simple and if she can't be mature enough to give you the common courtesy of a phone call then she ain't worth the salt of your tears.

 

 

Thank you, I thought the same thing. I did go through the hate emotion and hoping the worst for her, but those kinds of thoughts would only hurt me since the other party has moved on.

 

 

You just brought about my sense of total betrayal. If she had called and shared this info, I would probable have not felt the total heartbreak and betrayal. It was very impersonal and I think it trivialized our brief chapter, maybe that was the point she was trying to make.

[nineball]

Ok now that you got that off your chest no more contact. Anything additional from you will cross into the creepy zone and ain't no coming back from the creepy zone. The creepy zone is forever. It's worse than the friend zone.

 

 

Some day, ironically, you will look back and appreciate what happened. It's dating experience and a lesson to take forward with you.

 

 

Yes, that was the final release and I am done.

 

 

For me it was the sense of betrayal and heartbreak it caused. Not even a phone call, it was very impersonal to deliver the msg through fb. Ex-boyfriend or not moving on, one week after we met was also hard to take. The ex is from 4 years, who she dumped because she was still hurt by her husband cheating on her...they did leave in good terms and she says he is a nice guy.

 

 

I just did not see this coming, well at least before our meeting. I was getting ready for a long journey and then it was over. So, major lesson to someone who thought they had it figured out.

Edited September 6, 2014 by nineball

[nineball]

I really do appreciate your comments. At times I think I should just have been closed as I was before. I have never really being ready to give my heart 100% and be vulnerable. Maybe I was selfish in my past relationships, but I did not have it in me and everything worked out fine.

[Jules Dash]

I really do appreciate your comments. At times I think I should just have been closed as I was before. I have never really being ready to give my heart 100% and be vulnerable. Maybe I was selfish in my past relationships, but I did not have it in me and everything worked out fine.

 

 

 

No, it is good to experience that side for at least once. Just don't get carried away.

[nineball]

No, it is good to experience that side for at least once. Just don't get carried away.

 

Yes, got too carried away with this one. I cannot even recognize the guy who is OP of this thread.

 

I jumped in real deep with no caution and got burnt, and it hurts like hell. The key was in the the car ignition for a journey that heart was eager and ready for. The journey was terminated before it began.