GuerrillaGirl Posted September 6, 2014 Posted September 6, 2014 I'm seeing someone. After years of insecurity and struggle, I finally found someone I like. I have very little dating experience, so this is all new land to me. I imagined, in my lonely days, having someone like me would be enough. Nope. The insecurity is still there. We've only been dating for about a month, so I suppose I can't actually expect much yet. I've always had self esteem issues, like no guy would ever find me atractive and so on. Guys have complimented me before, but they were trying to get something out of it. My boyfriend however never does compliment me. On anything. Well, that's not true, he has said he liked my eyes ("I like your eyes, they make you look innocent") and my ass. He always squishes my face and pats my head like he would with a child or a dog, but not a future lover. On the other hand,sometimes he does seem to look at me a certain way, you know, the sexy way. This is confusing. He's just never said he liked me, or liked how I looked, or that I am pretty. However, he's got no issue saying that about famous hot chicks. I'm not crazy, I know those girls are much better looking than I am, but I need to know the guy I like (and find gorgeous) is physically attracted to me. I want him to also like me for how I look, it's part of who I am. Is that crazy? Would you accept a relationship in which someone is with you "despite" not thinking you are that attractive? I hope you guys can help me understand this. Thanks.
Tayken Posted September 6, 2014 Posted September 6, 2014 With posts like this...one can make the assumption on which age group you are, but it is better to hear it from you. To be honest with you, it doesn't sound like this guy sees you the same way you see him, and it seems your insecurities and the little attention is clouding your judgement, especially when this guy is crediting other chicks (movie stars or not) in your presence. It could just be your ass that you mention is what he is trying to tap, and once that is done.....it's on to the next girl. I'll say work on your self esteem and confidence first before throwing dating into the mix....a lot of women seem to fall into this trap. If a woman has stuff going for her e.g. a good career job, hobbies, volunteers, is smart, strong and independent...there will be no need to have insecurities and the confidence level should be high All this coming from a man, and that is because these are the type of women I gravitate towards as opposed to the ones just doing some odd job with their only form of competitiveness being trying to get the attention of a guy/man by being tarty A boyfriend is not the answer to your insecurities 1
veggirl Posted September 6, 2014 Posted September 6, 2014 I wouldn't date a guy who openly raves about how hot other girls are, famous or not. It's rude. Personally I find that to be a huge red flag esp when you've only been dating a month.
d0nnivain Posted September 6, 2014 Posted September 6, 2014 Men are not verbal. My husband rarely compliments me. It's just not his way to talk. Early on in our relationship, even when I fished for compliments, I'd get 4 letters words: nice, fine, good etc. It drove me so bonkers I bought him a Thesaurus. I know he loves me & is attracted to me by the way he looks at me & the fact that it's difficult for him to sit by me, especially in public, without touching me. Before him I dated men who made their living with words: actors, salesman & lawyers so I do miss the words but my husband's is so much deeper & stronger. Work on your own insecurities. That will help dispel some of the doubt. 1
Tayken Posted September 6, 2014 Posted September 6, 2014 Men are not verbal. My husband rarely compliments me. It's just not his way to talk. Early on in our relationship, even when I fished for compliments, I'd get 4 letters words: nice, fine, good etc. It drove me so bonkers I bought him a Thesaurus. I know he loves me & is attracted to me by the way he looks at me & the fact that it's difficult for him to sit by me, especially in public, without touching me. Before him I dated men who made their living with words: actors, salesman & lawyers so I do miss the words but my husband's is so much deeper & stronger. Work on your own insecurities. That will help dispel some of the doubt. I am NOT your husband (thank God)...your generalized comments is out to lunch, and can only be taken seriously if you had lived on different continents, and dated men of different cultures and race. The question is, have you?
d0nnivain Posted September 6, 2014 Posted September 6, 2014 I am NOT your husband (thank God)...your generalized comments is out to lunch, and can only be taken seriously if you had lived on different continents, and dated men of different cultures and race. The question is, have you? Fine I'll amend. Some men. OPs BF seems like one of those.
Author GuerrillaGirl Posted September 6, 2014 Author Posted September 6, 2014 @Tayken: I can see why this type of worrying makes me seem immature. I am 22. The problem with him isn't that he seems to want to go soon (after the sex), it's that he seems to stay for all the wrong reasons. Wrong to me, anyway. As I've stated before, I can't imagine being with someone I'm not physically attracted to. You may be right. Because I'm human and I like the guy, I hope you're not entirely right. @veggirl: True, it's not nice to hear. But otherwise he's great to me, and his actions make it seem he really likes me. He always wants to kiss me and even complained once about me not being that into him, because I didn't initiate as much. Oh, the irony. @d0nnivain: I sure hope that is the case. However, he does find the words to say that about other girls. Thank you all for being honest.
carhill Posted September 6, 2014 Posted September 6, 2014 Would you accept a relationship in which someone is with you "despite" not thinking you are that attractive? If I were aware, no. However, people are, or can be, pretty good maskers of their authentic perspectives on such matters so it's entirely possible to get stuck into a 'filler material' slot until something better comes along. If I were to count the positive takeaways from being married, this would be one of them, and right up there at the top. I find it's far easier now, since I understand better what masking is and how authentic attraction is displayed, to dismiss women I note lacking in authenticity. I find far less confusion on my part in that area. One area I'd suggest some work on is the difference between physical beauty and attraction. They aren't synonymous. You may feel other ladies are more beautiful but that doesn't necessarily mean they're more attractive, whether to your boyfriend or any other man. They can be, sure. Anything is possible. That said, it's the difference in the commentary which defines a potential relationship issue, specifically that he makes comments about the beauty of other women and not about that of yourself, his chosen partner. Ask him why sometime and listen. Like yourself, when I was younger I didn't have a lot of relationship experience so got used a bit by women who didn't find me authentically attractive but faked a modicum of it to get what they wanted until something better came along, primarily love and emotional support and companionship. Time and experience taught lessons. They will for you as well. The good news is, while your dating experiences may have been few so far, there are billions of men in this world and lots of them are single so, if one isn't working out, others might. Give it your best shot and, if it works out, it does; if not, not. 1
Author GuerrillaGirl Posted September 6, 2014 Author Posted September 6, 2014 One area I'd suggest some work on is the difference between physical beauty and attraction. They aren't synonymous. You may feel other ladies are more beautiful but that doesn't necessarily mean they're more attractive, whether to your boyfriend or any other man. They can be, sure. Anything is possible. That said, it's the difference in the commentary which defines a potential relationship issue, specifically that he makes comments about the beauty of other women and not about that of yourself, his chosen partner. Ask him why sometime and listen. Thank you for answering. Well, I may have caught myself in a don't ask, don't tell type of situation here. For the better part of my life, I've been afraid of asking that particular qustion, because once the answer is uttered, you can't really go back. I remember being called ugly as a highschool kid once, and that weighed more than all the compliments I ever got. Now I know I'm not ugly, but the shadow of that insecure girl with crooked teeth and bad hair/skin will always be there (such a cliche, too). I will ask him why on a courageous day though. On the other hand, I wouldn't want to ruin a good thing just because he's not quite feeding my ego as much as I'd like.
preraph Posted September 6, 2014 Posted September 6, 2014 The one thing that stood out in what you said about him is the head-patting/face pinching stuff you do to a child and then his comment about your eyes make you look innocent. I gather he likes childlike innocence and I'm not sure that's a good thing. But as far as the communication, you need to call him on it next time you're out and he says a girl is hot and say "I wouldn't mind so much you saying girls are hot except you never say it about me." See what he says. Other than that I pretty much agree with Donnivain that many men aren't very verbal and that even if they are, you'll get more of the truth by listening to their actions and not their words. If he treats you with respect, shows up on time, doesn't wait until the last minute to ask you out, etc. and acts protective, that's good. If all he does is treat you like a child and have sex with you while minimizing you by looking at other women, that's not great. 1
MoreCoffee Posted September 6, 2014 Posted September 6, 2014 Like with many of us (including myself) the problem is in our heads. If we are restless, scanning to find something, anything amiss we'll find it. If not, we'll create it. 1
Author GuerrillaGirl Posted September 6, 2014 Author Posted September 6, 2014 The one thing that stood out in what you said about him is the head-patting/face pinching stuff you do to a child and then his comment about your eyes make you look innocent. I gather he likes childlike innocence and I'm not sure that's a good thing. That's what worries me too. He seems to work so hard on being this super manly man to the point where him being protective is actually condescending. Like with many of us (including myself) the problem is in our heads. If we are restless, scanning to find something, anything amiss we'll find it. If not, we'll create it. Agreed. As I'm writing this I realize I'd rather disect him on a public message board than actually talk to him.
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