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I accept I'm doing well, but I'm jaded.


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Posted

I'm accepting the fact that even though I've progressed very well and I have pushed myself and will continue to push myself to be the best I can be. I know I'm very strong willed and I'm a stable person with strong character. I accept that I'm still not fully healed at about 11 months.

 

I realise the mistakes I made with my ex and I understand that I was a doormat. I did too much and she wasn't very deserving of my love. At the same time I also know that I can fall in love with one woman and be totally smitten for years, I can devote myself to the one I love purely because I love her. I can love with all of my heart and one day a special woman will be in my life who will be worthy of receiving it because she also gives it.

 

I know all of this, yet I don't think I'm going to 100% heal until I fall in love again. I'm not co-dependant, I'm a fully functioning single adult. I can do being alone, because that's exactly what I'm doing. I can't be bothered with OLD right now. I've started trying other things like clubs/groups. I will expand on this and allow myself the time to go at my own pace.

 

I've bought a book on self confidence because I know I am lacking in this area. I really want to improve myself. I'm exercising and working out. I physically look the best I ever have apart from thinning hair at the back (I'm too conscious of this). I'm being kind to myself by working hard and buying myself nice things. I have nice friends and my job is good.

 

I'm just very aware that what my ex did to me comes into my mind way too often. If it comes into conversation with friends/family I can just feel that people can still see I've been badly hurt. I can't believe after so long together and all of the awesome times we shared that she could do what she did to me.

 

I hate that those awesome times are now worthless memories which are tainted and I can't allow myself to cherish them. I have to wipe out almost a decade of my adult life at age 35. Yet I have to remember enough to not fall into the same scenario or make the same mistakes again.

 

I want to stop feeling jaded, I just don't think that's going away any time soon.

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Posted

everything you feel has a purpose it pushes change.....or for things to remain the same when its balanced you feel i feel jaded at the moment but i feel i need to feel it, so i can spend sometime reflecting and reading......my body feels old my mind is restless.. so i need to get that balance back...i am occupying my mind and heart......taking it easy.....finding my center again...my anchor....my high tide that i can relax into........

 

dont push yourself....you will know when you are ready try nd set small challenges for yourself to achieve.....reasonable ones....if you dont succeed.....dont give up try again when you are ready.....deb

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Posted

Gent, you're one of my favorite posters on here. You have a good, thoughtful outlook on being heartbroken and have been a great support to the community. I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling jaded.

 

Unfortunately, I've worn a pair of jade colored glasses for a long time, so you may be getting a cynical view from me. :)

 

Here's the thing. People suck. They do mean things, sometimes, for unfathomable reasons, or even no reason at all. You can really only look out for you, and when you're feeling heartbroken, it's easy to say you have to fall in love again to feel unjaded, but then you set yourself up for the same or worse treatment if that special someone ever changes their mind about loving you, or you loving them.

 

It's a gamble you take if you fall in love. I don't know about you, but if I had to go back and relive the last few years that I spent with my ex, exactly as they happened, no changes, I'd do it again. Nothing's going to change the feelings we shared when we were in love. Because what we had WAS REAL, good and bad.

 

No one can take that from me. That is why I have not lost faith in being in love, even if I have lost faith in my former partner, and am still, to some extent, hurt by the loss of the companionship.

 

Even if the feelings were only real on your side, the same logic still applies. So one relationship didn't work out. You are free to once again be yourself, and go find someone who meshes with your lifestyle. Even if it sucks from time to time, you are putting yourself out there so you can find a real gem.

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Posted
everything you feel has a purpose it pushes change.....or for things to remain the same when its balanced you feel i feel jaded at the moment but i feel i need to feel it, so i can spend sometime reflecting and reading......my body feels old my mind is restless.. so i need to get that balance back...i am occupying my mind and heart......taking it easy.....finding my center again...my anchor....my high tide that i can relax into........

 

dont push yourself....you will know when you are ready try nd set small challenges for yourself to achieve.....reasonable ones....if you dont succeed.....dont give up try again when you are ready.....deb

 

Thanks, you are right that there is a need to feel this right now. It's part of the process of self development. There are things to be learnt from how I'm feeling. My trouble is I'm getting a little impatient.

 

Small steps are needed. I'm doing fine at least I'm making the effort I guess.

 

Gent, you're one of my favorite posters on here. You have a good, thoughtful outlook on being heartbroken and have been a great support to the community. I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling jaded.

 

Unfortunately, I've worn a pair of jade colored glasses for a long time, so you may be getting a cynical view from me. :)

 

Here's the thing. People suck. They do mean things, sometimes, for unfathomable reasons, or even no reason at all. You can really only look out for you, and when you're feeling heartbroken, it's easy to say you have to fall in love again to feel unjaded, but then you set yourself up for the same or worse treatment if that special someone ever changes their mind about loving you, or you loving them.

 

It's a gamble you take if you fall in love. I don't know about you, but if I had to go back and relive the last few years that I spent with my ex, exactly as they happened, no changes, I'd do it again. Nothing's going to change the feelings we shared when we were in love. Because what we had WAS REAL, good and bad.

 

No one can take that from me. That is why I have not lost faith in being in love, even if I have lost faith in my former partner, and am still, to some extent, hurt by the loss of the companionship.

 

Even if the feelings were only real on your side, the same logic still applies. So one relationship didn't work out. You are free to once again be yourself, and go find someone who meshes with your lifestyle. Even if it sucks from time to time, you are putting yourself out there so you can find a real gem.

 

Thanks for your post I appreciate the kind words.

 

I get what you're saying about that what we once had with our exes was real. I definitely believe it was real. She loved me I know she did. I feel like I don't want the memories of that, because I would never do to someone one what she did to me at the end of our relationship. I can't get my head around how the same person I shared so much of my life with and many happy moments with could turn into such a selfish and heartless person.

 

It just feels like she made a mockery out of everything we shared/did.

 

I want to be able to forgive her for that, but I just cannot do it. I think if I could forgive her and be able to at least think of the good things with fondness I'd be 100% healed.

 

I don't regret the past, but I have learned what I will and won't tolerate. I know I'll never make the same mistakes with someone else. I regognise this as progress. It would just be good to reach the level of indifference where I just don't care how it all went in the end. I honestly think true indifference and possible forgiveness won't happen until I experience a fulfilling relationship again.

 

That doesn't mean I'm looking to someone else to fulfil my life, I can and I am enjoying things single. I just can't forgive the ex or feel at peace with the happy times we shared. It's tainted, I think this is what's really bugging me. I think sharing your life and making memories with someone you love is fantastic. I've experienced it, but can't appreciate it anymore.

  • Like 1
Posted

Well said TG, I always appreciate your posts, I feel like we are in fairly similar situations. I am also of the opinion that one is not completely over your ex until you fall in love again. I feel very healed, stable, and healthy but have yet to have that person to come into my life to fall in love with. To be honest, the only thing that really stings me at this point is that my ex moved on fairly quickly, a new relationship in 4 months after a very toxic 6 year relationship/engagement. I occasionally feel resentful about it, but I do not know the specifics of it so it is not completely rational on my part. I was a good partner to her, she was not really to me, why was she able to find someone and not me? I sometimes feel frustrated that I haven't met someone I want to be with yet. I do believe that working on myself will put me in a better place for a relationship, whenever that may be.

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Posted
Well said TG, I always appreciate your posts, I feel like we are in fairly similar situations. I am also of the opinion that one is not completely over your ex until you fall in love again. I feel very healed, stable, and healthy but have yet to have that person to come into my life to fall in love with. To be honest, the only thing that really stings me at this point is that my ex moved on fairly quickly, a new relationship in 4 months after a very toxic 6 year relationship/engagement. I occasionally feel resentful about it, but I do not know the specifics of it so it is not completely rational on my part. I was a good partner to her, she was not really to me, why was she able to find someone and not me? I sometimes feel frustrated that I haven't met someone I want to be with yet. I do believe that working on myself will put me in a better place for a relationship, whenever that may be.

 

It's really great to know that some of you appreciate my posts. If it wasn't for these forums during my BU I don't know how I would of coped. These boards have really helped me in my recovery. It's nice that I contribute something useful in return.

 

FS I know exactly what you mean about feeling healed and stable, yet elements of resent pop up. My ex lined her current BF up right in front of me, she actually flaunted it in front of me and basically said "tough get over it".

 

I resent that in itself, but back in February she came crying to me after having called the police on the new guy because he forced her phone and keys from her hands and threatened her because he was jealous of her life with me. She spilt the beans on many character flaws which he has to me that night.

 

The things I know about him makes me resent the fact she chose him over me. He is unstable and has some big issues. Yet after her episode calling the police on him, she was back in the sack with him within the week again.

 

They are both keen runners and they will be in the Great North Run tomorrow, it's one of most famous half marithons in the world. Last year I was her photographer for the event so she could splash it all over Facebook. This year they will both be all over Facebook pre and post run.

 

I won't be checking, I'm not even jealous... Though it probably sounds like I am. I just resent it. I really do resent the whole set up.

 

My life is actually very good in all other aspects. As a whole it's better than hers there is just one thing that is upsetting the scales here. I'm single and she's with the fruit cake that she chose over me. I want to be indifferent, but I'm resentful.

 

I used to be very angry earlier on in the stages of recovery. I'm not feeling anger now, just resent. It's probably not helped by the fact that it's only last week I was finally able to begin full and strict NC due to her taking forever to give me my data from her computer on memory sticks. It's like she just wanted to drag it all out as long as possible.

  • Like 1
Posted
Well said TG, I always appreciate your posts, I feel like we are in fairly similar situations. I am also of the opinion that one is not completely over your ex until you fall in love again. I feel very healed, stable, and healthy but have yet to have that person to come into my life to fall in love with. To be honest, the only thing that really stings me at this point is that my ex moved on fairly quickly, a new relationship in 4 months after a very toxic 6 year relationship/engagement. I occasionally feel resentful about it, but I do not know the specifics of it so it is not completely rational on my part. I was a good partner to her, she was not really to me, why was she able to find someone and not me? I sometimes feel frustrated that I haven't met someone I want to be with yet. I do believe that working on myself will put me in a better place for a relationship, whenever that may be.

 

To be completely honest, I think if your ex met someone before they broke up with you, and were able to move on rather quickly, I think they may very well just using them as a transition.

 

To that extent, if they move on before you do, which does frequently happen, it can feel like they've "won", but in reality, they just teed up another shot. So what. You are running a marathon, not a sprint.

 

And it's not fair that they get a head start in moving on, but it's just how such things work.

  • Like 3
Posted

I can see what you're getting at with your ex making poor decisions, and it seeming to be a mockery of whatever you had. My ex is the world champ of poor life choices. I was, and still am mad at him, and will likely be for a very long time.

 

He dumped me (the best thing going for him in his life) for some broad, and was FBO with her within six weeks of breaking up with me. He joined the university school newspaper just to impress her, dumped most, if not all of his academic research for this little project. He then proceeded to alienate all of his friends by being an assh-le to them, for God knows what reasons. He then got dumped by the broad, somewhere between the 6-8 month mark (too needy apparently), and has changed his name on facebook to some gaelic mishmash of letters- on that fact alone it looks like he's off his nut. How weird is that?

 

Uh, anyway, rant aside. When your ex is an assh-le you very often feel like whatever you had was tainted, I have a feeling that many people's perceptions of me is skewed by their interactions with my ex. I feel like you may be feeling this way, except in your own head.

 

This problem is solved by acknowledging the fact that your ex was a jerk, and forgiving yourself for being blind with love towards them. You essentially have to draw the line between your ex pre-breakup, and your ex post-breakup. There is a subtle difference between "I was dating an assh-le that was nice to me until she wasn't," and "I was dating an assh-le", but it will make all the difference in the world to you.

 

You don't necessarily have to forgive them, but you have to stop letting it get at you, however it's getting at you.

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Posted
I can see what you're getting at with your ex making poor decisions, and it seeming to be a mockery of whatever you had. My ex is the world champ of poor life choices. I was, and still am mad at him, and will likely be for a very long time.

 

He dumped me (the best thing going for him in his life) for some broad, and was FBO with her within six weeks of breaking up with me. He joined the university school newspaper just to impress her, dumped most, if not all of his academic research for this little project. He then proceeded to alienate all of his friends by being an assh-le to them, for God knows what reasons. He then got dumped by the broad, somewhere between the 6-8 month mark (too needy apparently), and has changed his name on facebook to some gaelic mishmash of letters- on that fact alone it looks like he's off his nut. How weird is that?

 

Uh, anyway, rant aside. When your ex is an assh-le you very often feel like whatever you had was tainted, I have a feeling that many people's perceptions of me is skewed by their interactions with my ex. I feel like you may be feeling this way, except in your own head.

 

This problem is solved by acknowledging the fact that your ex was a jerk, and forgiving yourself for being blind with love towards them. You essentially have to draw the line between your ex pre-breakup, and your ex post-breakup. There is a subtle difference between "I was dating an assh-le that was nice to me until she wasn't," and "I was dating an assh-le", but it will make all the difference in the world to you.

 

You don't necessarily have to forgive them, but you have to stop letting it get at you, however it's getting at you.

 

You've put another slant on things for me with this post. You make a very valid point. You obviously have first hand experience of similar emotions thanks to your ex too.

 

I think forgiving myself for being blinded by love is actually very important here. I haven't thought of it before, but it does make sence. If I try changing my perspective a little and establish that divide of the ex pre and post BU maybe it will help me and the situation won't get at me like it does the way I think of it now.

 

Thanks elseaacych, you've given me a little food for thought.

  • Like 1
Posted
You've put another slant on things for me with this post. You make a very valid point. You obviously have first hand experience of similar emotions thanks to your ex too.

 

I think forgiving myself for being blinded by love is actually very important here. I haven't thought of it before, but it does make sence. If I try changing my perspective a little and establish that divide of the ex pre and post BU maybe it will help me and the situation won't get at me like it does the way I think of it now.

 

Thanks elseaacych, you've given me a little food for thought.

Although I believe identity is not fixed, some things in us almost are. Some of those character-traits we only learn after a really long time or only in extraordinary circumstances. And sometimes even we finally meet the person other people only get to know. It then turns out we saw a rare picture. You brought up the best in her for years, you can be proud of that. It is a shame that turned out she had the potentiality to be someone that taints all the memories of your time together. If you see that you brought out the best in her for years you can also learn to cherish those moments. As it was also you who made her in those moments who she was. She choose a different path and has to learn to live with that. She blames that guy for certain things, but also that guy is in a way an extension - next to some innate things he brings - to what she brings to the table. People often are great at blaming, while an honest look in the mirror turns out to be to hard for them.

  • Like 2
Posted

This thread really speaks to me, OP. I'm 5 months NC from a woman I loved very much who left me for another man, lied about it and viciously smeared and continues(I broke down and looked at her FB a week ago) to smear myself and our relationship.

 

Not to push any ideology, but the Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu has really helped me cope. If you don't know it, it might be best exampled by The Dude in The Big Lebowski. Its message of letting things pass over you without resistance and letting go of attachment and desire has been the nearest thing to a remedy for me.

 

I hope that one day you'll be able to look at the good times you had with your lost love. I hope the same for myself. I don't want to shut down inside. I want to believe in people and love people and realize that when someone hurts me there is something larger going on, there is something that extends beyond my ego and personal happiness.

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Posted
Although I believe identity is not fixed, some things in us almost are. Some of those character-traits we only learn after a really long time or only in extraordinary circumstances. And sometimes even we finally meet the person other people only get to know. It then turns out we saw a rare picture. You brought up the best in her for years, you can be proud of that. It is a shame that turned out she had the potentiality to be someone that taints all the memories of your time together. If you see that you brought out the best in her for years you can also learn to cherish those moments. As it was also you who made her in those moments who she was. She choose a different path and has to learn to live with that. She blames that guy for certain things, but also that guy is in a way an extension - next to some innate things he brings - to what she brings to the table. People often are great at blaming, while an honest look in the mirror turns out to be to hard for them.

 

Thanks, that's also something I kind of haven't really been thinking about. I did help bring out the best in her. I know she heavily depended on me for many things and yes I did play a huge positive role in her life. I completed her life for a long time as she did mine. I know she acknowledges that.

 

She contributed a massive positive to my life, she actually helped change many things for the better and I really did mature as a person during our time together.

 

It's just a shame I can't remember the good stuff in a genuinely nice way right now. Not without the thoughts of her final behaviour spoiling it.

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Posted
This thread really speaks to me, OP. I'm 5 months NC from a woman I loved very much who left me for another man, lied about it and viciously smeared and continues(I broke down and looked at her FB a week ago) to smear myself and our relationship.

 

Not to push any ideology, but the Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu has really helped me cope. If you don't know it, it might be best exampled by The Dude in The Big Lebowski. Its message of letting things pass over you without resistance and letting go of attachment and desire has been the nearest thing to a remedy for me.

 

I hope that one day you'll be able to look at the good times you had with your lost love. I hope the same for myself. I don't want to shut down inside. I want to believe in people and love people and realize that when someone hurts me there is something larger going on, there is something that extends beyond my ego and personal happiness.

 

Thanks, eventually I probably will be able to look at the good times. I just think while I'm still progressing and rebuilding a life alone, it's not going to be for a while. It just feels like a shame.

Posted
Thanks, that's also something I kind of haven't really been thinking about. [...] It's just a shame I can't remember the good stuff in a genuinely nice way right now. Not without the thoughts of her final behaviour spoiling it.

You're welcome. For now it perhaps is a blessing in disguise as seeing it that way probably will make you sad again. Our minds are great in letting us survive and refocussing onto people who are perhaps just as capable of those things as the people we miss. I am sure there comes a time that it will be more in balance for you. Then it probably will remind you more of a phase in your life and it will give you a scent of all the emotions that you have lived and experienced due to the way life presented itself to you both.

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Posted
You're welcome. For now it perhaps is a blessing in disguise as seeing it that way probably will make you sad again. Our minds are great in letting us survive and refocussing onto people who are perhaps just as capable of those things as the people we miss. I am sure there comes a time that it will be more in balance for you. Then it probably will remind you more of a phase in your life and it will give you a scent of all the emotions that you have lived and experienced due to the way life presented itself to you both.

 

Indeed it could be a blessing. As like you say, I've survived and I'm improving my life anyway. Due to my current outlook on it all I never feel sad about it, I do think that the tears stopped for good several months ago. It's just resentment, all part of it I guess.

Posted
Indeed it could be a blessing. As like you say, I've survived and I'm improving my life anyway. Due to my current outlook on it all I never feel sad about it, I do think that the tears stopped for good several months ago. It's just resentment, all part of it I guess.

Resentment is an important emotion as it tells you that you feel emotionally rejected and in a way that your being has been ignored by her. It is an emotion that has to be dealt with as it is unhealthy for the long run. It is a great signal though to use and grow.

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