my boyfriends career is ruining our relationship?

[swiftly333]

I've been with my boyfriend for over 2years now. I thought we were moving towards marriage....we would spend almost everyday together, would text throughout the day, talk very night.... And have gone from very fronvery sex life to nothing.... (I'm talking..... Nothing. No desire on his end)

But now everything has been out on hold. He got a rather large promotion and works long hours at a high stress job while also going back to school. He is not managing the stress/changes well. For the last several months he has been grumpy and unpleasant. His stress turns into him being mean to me we hardly talk during the week at all. Lately weekends we don't spend time together because he's mean and grumpy and we fight or I leave because he's so unpleasant and I just feel unwanted. I just don't want to be around him.

 

At first I tried to be there for him and be supportive. But wheb i tell him I worry that he's not taking care of himself or managing this change well its ignored. And if I try and talk abyoit how.ita affecting our relationship, he comes back at me with "why does it have to be so hard with you"..... I started just doing my own thing to stay busy, going out with my girlfriends more, getting back into working out, picking up weekend shifts. At first I felt that was the smartthing to do, to stay busy with my own life so I don't obsess/worry due to the drop in attention from him, but now its seeming to become avoidant. I am now trying to find things to do so I have an excuse to be to busy to see him at all.

 

I understand that his career is important. But i really dont feel like its ok that I just don't matter at all anymore, and honestly it makes me not want to be with him right now. I keep telling myself I am over reacting, but after a few months its really taken its toll. Talking to him seto mak things worse, not better

[denise_xo]

I think you need to communicate to him that his choices have consequences. Tell him that if he's not willing to invest anything in your relationship, you would prefer to be in a relationship with someone who does. Tell him that you're willing to work with him having a busy schedule and support him in a challenging period of his life, but that you need to see a minimum of effort on his part to keep your relationship healthy and happy. If it's not possible to communicate this face to face, write it down in an email. Suggest to him that you start couple's counselling, to show that you think what is happening now is a real threat to your relationship. And keep yourself busy. If he gets the impression that all you're doing is sitting around waiting for him to have some time for you, it just creates a negative dynamic.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Sorry, it doesn't really sound like it's the career that's the issue, it's the relationship. Even if you have a super stressful huge workload job, if you love somebody you're still kind to them, interested, can't wait to see them, make them feel loved even if you can't see them as often anymore. When I started seeing my current boyfriend I was working 70 hour weeks and still managed to see him plenty and make him feel loved and cared for. We weathered the storm of that and are now both back in regular 40 hour jobs living together.

 

It sounds like for whatever reason, your boyfriend is checking out of the relationship. I would steel yourself for a dumping and get busy with your own life like you've been doing, or if he continues to treat you like crap get in there first and end it. This isn't a healthy relationship and if you're doing your part but he isn't doing his part, there's not a lot you can do about that.

 

Respect yourself. Don't allow him to be mean to you or to ignore you.

[thefooloftheyear]

In this case it could easily be that he is just pulling away...but let me take the opportunity to say this much....

 

There is enormous pressure on most men to succeed and be able to achieve the type of status that makes men feel worthy and confident.This stress comes from both women and society,,.They set off to achieve this and then women complain that they dont get enough attention...So what do they really want, then? Because I can tell you that whining about isnt going to make him change...

 

Now, its not right for the guy to be passsive aggressive, mean spirited or anything...But this siuation is far too common and some guys get annoyed because while they are raised/pressured to achieve and succeed-they are getting pushback from their women..Its just a contradiction of sorts..

 

My only advice is that if you truly love him, try to see his side here...Its very difficult for some guys who are high achievers in stressful jobs or businesses to just come home and put on a happy face and become Mr Wonderful....Most of the women that are with guys like this and find a way to make it work have their own hobbies and interests and dont put a lot of pressure...Then things have a way of working out..

 

 

Like I said before...if he is pulling away or losing interest, then none of what I posted is valid..Its going to end at some point, probably...But he could just as easily be crazy about you, just cant handle the stress of the job...In most cases these stresses subside with time, but in the beginning, its a real b!tch..Ill also say that some women will NEVER be happy with a Type A guy, no matter how much he makes...Just doesnt pay enough attention to her and she will eventually crack..better for those women to settle with guys that have more mundane types of jobs/careers..

 

I wish you well..

 

TFY

[d0nnivain]

You lived in a fantasy world where everybody had all this free time to hang out & text. The real world doesn't work like that. The fact that he added two big things to his life: school and the promotion, made it doubly tough. Cut him some slack.

 

It is not a reflection on how much he loves you. In fact if you could see past your own selfish BS for a minute & asked him I bet he'd say that before you started being a pain about it, he was doing all this FOR YOU so that he had a solid foundation to support you & a family when you did get married.

 

Get over your need for instant gratification & look at the big picture. Celebrate the precious little free time he does have & you might just live happily ever after. If you continue to nag & demand attention, at some point, he's going to decide you're no longer worth it.

[Els]

Sorry, it doesn't really sound like it's the career that's the issue, it's the relationship. Even if you have a super stressful huge workload job, if you love somebody you're still kind to them, interested, can't wait to see them, make them feel loved even if you can't see them as often anymore. When I started seeing my current boyfriend I was working 70 hour weeks and still managed to see him plenty and make him feel loved and cared for. We weathered the storm of that and are now both back in regular 40 hour jobs living together.

 

I disagree - not everyone can handle a 70 hour week without letting the rest of their life fall to pieces, even though some people are able to get by. I know I most definitely could not. My SO can maintain our R with such a schedule, but at a cost - he rarely spends time with friends, sleeps less than he should, and sacrifices a lot of personal time. It isn't ideal. We both had, and have, to make compromises.

 

That being said, denise makes a good point - even if the problem really is the OP's bf's career and there is nothing else wrong with the R, that doesn't mean she HAS to stick around if she isn't happy. We all have to make choices in life. He chose his career as first priority and is willing to give everything up for it, that's his right. She also has the right to make choices for her own happiness, which may involve choosing to end this R.

 

OP, how long is this phase expected to last? When you say he is 'grumpy and mean', is he bordering on emotional abuse or is he just morose and down?

[Tayken]

What age group are you, and do you have a career yourself? If you are young ones, it will make sense for both of you to be concentrating on your careers to build a better foundation for the future

 

Well of course if you haven't got a career that keeps you busy, I can see why you feel that way

[swiftly333]

You lived in a fantasy world where everybody had all this free time to hang out & text. The real world doesn't work like that. The fact that he added two big things to his life: school and the promotion, made it doubly tough. Cut him some slack.

 

It is not a reflection on how much he loves you. In fact if you could see past your own selfish BS for a minute & asked him I bet he'd say that before you started being a pain about it, he was doing all this FOR YOU so that he had a solid foundation to support you & a family when you did get married.

 

Get over your need for instant gratification & look at the big picture. Celebrate the precious little free time he does have & you might just live happily ever after. If you continue to nag & demand attention, at some point, he's going to decide you're no longer worth it.

 

While I get the whole tough-**** approach, I don't think I'm "living in a fantasy" and I don't agree that I should give up on my emotional needs for monetary rewards.

Also, I'm not nagging - I'm doing the opposite. I tried talk about my concern

[TouchedByViolet]

Sounds like he is pushing you away. I don't care how much career, and work are on his mind, if there is no affection he doesn't feel the same. You deserve honest, open and meaningful communication. I don't think you are being a nag or demanding too much.

[swiftly333]

What age group are you, and do you have a career yourself? If you are young ones, it will make sense for both of you to be concentrating on your careers to build a better foundation for the future

 

Well of course if you haven't got a career that keeps you busy, I can see why you feel that way

 

 

I am 27 and have is 32 and I'd say we are in around the same place of.building our careers. I have been in school & working since we first met (although I had to take some time off school, due to personal reasons, but am getting back on track) and right now I work 2 jobs, both which are physically and emotional demanding and draining themselves. So I totally understand the stress of it all.units been my life. And that's not what bothers me. I have always tried to which balance and I guess that's been asked for me then him right now. Its not that he's busy and I'm sittinghere whining because I'm and I want attention. The issue is that there's so little time together, and then once we are its not enjoyable.... I feel like he's just irritated with my presence, he said mean things, and honestly I feel bullied.b if I only get to see him a few hours a week at most, I want them to be enjoyable.

[angel.eyes]

It sounds as if you're no longer compatible. Perhaps he realizes the relationship has run its course and is waiting for you to accept this too.

[Emilia]

The issue is that there's so little time together, and then once we are its not enjoyable.... I feel like he's just irritated with my presence, he said mean things, and honestly I feel bullied.b if I only get to see him a few hours a week at most, I want them to be enjoyable.

You are finding out what kind of person he really is when the chips are down. It takes 2-3 years to get to know someone fully, to see them in every situation, good and bad. If he isn't prepared to take a step back and view his behaviour objectively, to own and try to better it, this is what you would get every time the proverbial hit the fan. Something to take into careful consideration when thinking about marriage. Arguments happen, means words are spoken occasionally but if you feel bullied....

[swiftly333]

I disagree -

 

OP, how long is this phase expected to last? When you say he is 'grumpy and mean', is he bordering on emotional abuse or is he just morose and down?

 

It will start by being irritable..... Hell complain about my stuff being g I the way, hell say stop bugging him, for example, when I try and be close and affectionate hell say its too hot, hes sweaty ansnwonr even sit next to me. I feel totally undesired, I pretty much have had to beg for sex, and then when we do he doesn't even perform well. He said he enjoys it he's just too stressed, but now I feel nuts completely unattractive... Then he will make fun of me, like my weight, which is a whole other problem. Its hurtful. He will complain and be super negative and just talk about how much he hates his job, who h is upsetting because I feel like he's sacrificing what was once a happy relationship for a job he hates...... I guess I'm just not so money driven and it hurts o feel like he's sacrificing our happiness for money.

 

I am in a field where I don't make a ton of money, but I do it for the intrinsic reward. I sacrificed making more money so that I can enjoy what I do for a living, so maybe its just clear were very different in that way. I made a lot of sacrifices in my lifestyle so that I can live more simply andnnot despise going to work everyday......and for that reason when i get stressed and overwhelmed with work maybe its easier for me to.cope with it, because my work has meaning to me, and I feel like the energy I put forth is helping people and families. And maybe I really do have a hard time understanding him. And maybe that is a part of incompatibility lately.....

 

I understand I may need to sacrifice our time together so that has can seven e in his career, and that I can be on board for. Have has been supportive of me and I want to support him, but I'm having a hard time when I feel like I have an emotionally and physically void relationship

 

Thus has been going on for several months, and before this point in felt like I was cutting hi. Slack because I get that there are a lot.of changes, but how long is too long? Its been about 4mo.

[angel.eyes]

I get that there are a lot.of changes, but how long is too long? Its been about 4mo.

 

Only you can answer this. No one can do that for you. You ultimately have to decide what is unacceptable.

 

I didn't quote the whole post, but it seems he has disengaged and moved on emotionally.

[littleplanet]

I would venture a suggestion that part of your problem is the new economic order. Long hours are never retrieved; once they're gone, they're gone.

School plus high-stress job comittments, multiple jobs....it all adds up.

We plug ourselves in to all of this, expecting automatic, almost robotic results. Over-achieving maintains treading water. Underachieving (by comparison) is what normal young lives used to look like.

 

Stress is what it is. Relationships crumble because of it, all the time.

Perhaps your boyfriend is using this as an excuse. Or on the other hand....caving in from all the pressure puts an extreme damper on romance.

 

I grew up in a strong economy. Men who hated their jobs still came home and took it out on their families. And that was in good times, of job security and affordability.

 

Sometimes, people just take on too much. The whip cracks, we pile on the work, and somehow expect ourselves to just step up like well-trained performers. But sometimes, something has to give. We are not machines.

 

If a person comes to hate their situation in life, or hate themselves because they can't achieve at high levels - then they need to deal with that.

A good relationship should be a resource, a haven from life's stresses. When it isn't.......it could be that the relationship itself is founded on something less than good compatibilities......or it could be that no relationship can withstand those pressures.

 

OP - your attitude about the place of work in your life is something you can handle, and keep in perspective. It's a good place to be, in life.

But if your boyfriend's situation doesn't match this - then it's up to him to adjust (if he can.)

 

People want to climb ladders, get somewhere. That's natural. If they're smart, they do it in a way they can handle, while keeping a firm hold on the private life that gives their existence meaning. All work and no play doesn't just make us dull boys and girls. Sometimes it makes us crazy.

Ambition always looks good on paper, and in biographies.

But private lives reveal the true outcomes of sacrifice.

Happiness doesn't always have a dollar value attached to it.

[preraph]

It's clear you've never worked much or done anything that tires you out at the end of the day -- and maybe it's time you did instead of sitting around stewing about not getting texts from a guy who is clearly trying to set himself up to have a good future. If you keep complaining, you'll lose him. In real life, as Donnivain said, people don't have enough time for recreation very often.

[Els]

It will start by being irritable..... Hell complain about my stuff being g I the way, hell say stop bugging him, for example, when I try and be close and affectionate hell say its too hot, hes sweaty ansnwonr even sit next to me. I feel totally undesired, I pretty much have had to beg for sex, and then when we do he doesn't even perform well. He said he enjoys it he's just too stressed, but now I feel nuts completely unattractive... Then he will make fun of me, like my weight, which is a whole other problem. Its hurtful. He will complain and be super negative and just talk about how much he hates his job, who h is upsetting because I feel like he's sacrificing what was once a happy relationship for a job he hates...... I guess I'm just not so money driven and it hurts o feel like he's sacrificing our happiness for money.

 

All of this sounds understandable except for the 'making fun of you/your weight' part - that one can't be excused by just being busy, and he needs to stop pronto if it bothers you.

 

I am in a field where I don't make a ton of money, but I do it for the intrinsic reward. I sacrificed making more money so that I can enjoy what I do for a living, so maybe its just clear were very different in that way. I made a lot of sacrifices in my lifestyle so that I can live more simply andnnot despise going to work everyday......and for that reason when i get stressed and overwhelmed with work maybe its easier for me to.cope with it, because my work has meaning to me, and I feel like the energy I put forth is helping people and families. And maybe I really do have a hard time understanding him. And maybe that is a part of incompatibility lately.....

 

I understand I may need to sacrifice our time together so that has can seven e in his career, and that I can be on board for. Have has been supportive of me and I want to support him, but I'm having a hard time when I feel like I have an emotionally and physically void relationship

 

Thus has been going on for several months, and before this point in felt like I was cutting hi. Slack because I get that there are a lot.of changes, but how long is too long? Its been about 4mo.

My gut reaction from reading this is that the two of you just aren't compatible. It doesn't make you (or him) a terrible person, it just is. Whether or not this incompatibility is worth working with and compromising over, is for you to decide.

[d0nnivain]

It will start by being irritable..... Hell complain about my stuff being g I the way, hell say stop bugging him, for example, when I try and be close and affectionate hell say its too hot, hes sweaty ansnwonr even sit next to me. I feel totally undesired, I pretty much have had to beg for sex, and then when we do he doesn't even perform well. He said he enjoys it he's just too stressed, but now I feel nuts completely unattractive... Then he will make fun of me, like my weight, which is a whole other problem. Its hurtful. He will complain and be super negative and just talk about how much he hates his job, who h is upsetting because I feel like he's sacrificing what was once a happy relationship for a job he hates...... I guess I'm just not so money driven and it hurts o feel like he's sacrificing our happiness for money.

 

I am in a field where I don't make a ton of money, but I do it for the intrinsic reward. I sacrificed making more money so that I can enjoy what I do for a living, so maybe its just clear were very different in that way. I made a lot of sacrifices in my lifestyle so that I can live more simply andnnot despise going to work everyday......and for that reason when i get stressed and overwhelmed with work maybe its easier for me to.cope with it, because my work has meaning to me, and I feel like the energy I put forth is helping people and families. And maybe I really do have a hard time understanding him. And maybe that is a part of incompatibility lately.....

 

I understand I may need to sacrifice our time together so that has can seven e in his career, and that I can be on board for. Have has been supportive of me and I want to support him, but I'm having a hard time when I feel like I have an emotionally and physically void relationship

 

Thus has been going on for several months, and before this point in felt like I was cutting hi. Slack because I get that there are a lot.of changes, but how long is too long? Its been about 4mo.

 

You were right about my initial post; it was tough love. It sounded to me like you were both just making the transition from school to work which is a big change. At 27 / 32 some of those kinks should have been worked out but once I started working I never had a job or dated somebody where constantly communication during the day was possible. I texted my husband today after I left a funeral because I needed comfort but otherwise we rarely communicate at all during the day & that is not a function of how much we love each other.

 

Anyway, this post & the portion I bolded was more telling. When he is working 20 hours per week or 80, making fun of you, is mean & has nothing to do with his job.

 

You are also seemingly the brunt of his frustrations. He is working a lot & is unhappy but he's making those choices then taking his anger out on you. We always hurt the ones we love. That doesn't make it right.

 

However, if you are on vastly different pages concerning money & finance, that doesn't bode well for a future together. Both are valid choice but when they are incompatible you will fight. Project forward to when he misses yet another important event in your kids' lives. You are going to be disappointed & he's going to get mad at you for feeling that way.

 

If you can't talk about it now & find some common ground, maybe it's time to split.