Boyfriend is more into me than I am into him?

[bolase]

Hi,

 

I have been with my boyfriend for about 4 months now, and 6 weeks ago I moved to another city for work so we are in a LDR.

 

I couldn't ask for a lovelier boyfriend, we have a great time and love helping each other with work and outside projects, he gets along well with my family and friends and vice versa.

 

Last week we met up for a weekend away and he said "I love you" for the first time - WHILE we were having sex. I was not yet ready to say it back, even though I care for him greatly, but I did.. it was an intense moment and he was looking right into my eyes AND I could tell he was about to finish so I was caught off guard... and now I feel like a fraud and worried.

 

After, he told me how much he'd wanted to say it etc and he was sure I would feel the same. He then said it the next day, and I said you too and hugged him.. now I cant take it back.

 

I did tell him it wasn't the ideal time as its the heat of the moment and he got defensive saying he just wanted to let it out, and was upset.

 

I am wondering if I should even break it off, as I am not ready to say ILU now and he will have sensed it. He cares more and I don't know if I will catch up, or whether my heart will open, I really wish I could make it, but Im uncertain of our connection as mentally it was deeper (but also unstable and ultimately doomed) with my previous bf. We just get along really well!

 

When we were together that weekend, he spent a lot of time telling me how much he enjoyed being with me and commenting on me and 'us', complimenting me etc, and I just wanted to be together and and live and do things, not talk about how much we like each other! I started to get a bit irritated by it. I worried that he didn't have much else to talk to me about.

 

What to do?

[Jules Dash]

No matter if you play along with it or not, eventually it will probably not work out anyway given the unbalanced feelings here. I would sit him down and tell him how I truly feel because you don't seem to be the type who can just play along with it for the sake of keeping the peace in the relationship. He likely won't take it well which is why sometimes someone can say it back to protect the other's feelings.

[Dork Vader]

Ask him for space so you can see how you feel with out him. If you "end" things it is potentially over for good.

 

If you ask for space you two are still committed you're just getting some room to breath.

 

You want to make 100% certain you are done before you say we are over.

 

Should you decide to end things with him. Then you need to be polite and just say you don't see this relationship going any further. But be 100% certain!!!

[TheyCallMeOx]

Unless, by some divine miracle, you have an epiphany, and realize that you love the dude as well, then things aren't going to change. The truth is that he's at a whole different level than you are. For whatever reason, he's comfortable with taking things fast. How he feels is totally normal behavior; there's nothing wrong with going fast. When you know, you just know. However, you want to take things slow. For whatever reason, you're comfortable with taking things slow. Also, how you feel is completely normal behavior. Some people want to go fast, and some people want to go slow. Perhaps there's a reason for you wanting to go slow (you're still heartbroken, you're more interested in someone else but is a "unrequited love" situation, etc).

 

Regardless, he wants to go fast, and you want to go slow. I wouldn't suggest trying to "give each other some space" because, from my experience, it never works. The only thing you accomplish by giving each other space is that your boyfriend is going to look at you as a b*tch, basically. In his mind, he's thinking that he's giving you all that he has, and no woman in their right mind would be like "no thanks, I don't want your love. Stop loving me so much." The ridiculousness overwhelms them, and they potentially start questioning the relationship. If you do decide to speed things up, you may find yourself wondering "why isn't he being affectionate towards me?" Well, it's because you've denied his affection when he wanted to give you it.

 

What it all comes down to is that you can't speed someone's emotions up, nor can you slow them down. If you don't see yourself changing into a more open-hearted person soon, then things aren't going to change. The relationship will end; if not now, later. He might be thinking about marriage and all those things, and when the BIGGER questions get asked...you may realize that you're not ready and send yourself through the same scenario you are now.

 

9 times out of 10, if you ever have to question whether you love someone or not, there's probably a reason why you're questioning it. A guy may be great, but is he compatible? Are you ready to love someone again? You've gotta dive deep into yourself, and figure out whether there's something you still don't fully understand about yourself, or maybe he's not as great as you think he is?

 

If I were in your situation, I'd break up. I'd also look into exactly why you're breaking up. If you don't know how you feel, and if he's a great guy, he deserves the truth so he can get closure to move on from it. Otherwise, if you don't tell him much, he's just going to go to his friends and be like "I don't know, man. She said she loved me one minute, and the b*tch turned around and walked away. The f*ck is wrong with women?" However, you might have a logical explanation and something he may understand.

 

If the dude is honestly great, and you're just holding yourself back, you have to figure out why you're holding back and deal with it. A great guy doesn't deserve a woman who is still trying to figure things out; he's got a lot of love to give, and if you're not ready to receive it, you need to give him the opportunity to share that love with someone else. If you're just not interested in the dude, then you need to accept the fact that he's great but not great for you. Whatever the case may be, this is something you have to figure out yourself. You can't avoid him while you figure it out, so you might as well tell him you're trying to figure it all out. The relationship is possibly ending soon, and he might not even be aware of it. If you're considering breaking up, let him know so he can prepare for it. He may give you some room to think, or he may not.

 

If you do decide to break up, as I've mentioned...tell him why. Stick with your decision. Stay 100% committed to it, or else you may find yourself crawling back saying "I MADE A HORRIBLE MISTAKE," and his new girlfriend will be like "girl, you best pump yo brakes. This is my man."

 

Good luck.

[bolase]

Thanks for your advice! (all of you)

 

It makes sense that he would be completely confused, like I said I loved him then suddenly Im unsure about everything. I hate the thought of him feeling sad and that his love isn't good enough.

 

I am not sure WHY I feel this way but I think I am just not as interested in him 24/7 as he seems to be.. I am bored of our long distance conversations, not by his company when were together or anything but in general, but there is no anticipation for me of seeing him, its just nice. His love is so sweet but it doesn't really bring out anything in me that makes me feel amazing, like it has with past bfs. He is quite insecure (but still outgoing) and I think that's why he constantly says sweet things but they are generic sweet things and have nearly lost their meaning.

 

It is horrible as I care about him and his feelings but we have to have a conversation.

[GemmaUK]

It's possible he might be pouring things out (how he feels about you) as he may be feeling you are distancing yourself emotionally.

 

Trouble is that the more he does this the more your instinct is to run away.

Sweet words are nice at appropriate moments but I'm a bit like you in that I don't need nor want that as conversation.

 

LD is tough but also each party has to realise that in a way you each have to live your own lives as your partner isn't just there when you need a hug or you feel like celebrating.

It's like you have to be able to switch off the relationship in your mind to a degree or you'd be missing each other more than is healthy because you do have physical distance in between.

The reality is you have to stand on your own two feet much more as the one you would look to for support isn't right there.

I've seen posts on here about LD where they get this balance right.

 

Perhaps you two are talking too much so that you don't have anything to say to each other. That can make calls feel like an obligation, especially if he is always available.

I tried to ask for 'date nights' for calls with my now ex but he wasn't up for it so preferred when I would say I had things to do..but then he would ask again later if I had a hour or two free and would make me feel bad if I needed sleep or wanted to sit and read or was still busy. I would have been in trouble if I ever wanted to talk to a friend - the way he saw it was that was talking so any talking I did was supposed to be with him.

 

You can wind back the love thing to more of a 'really enjoy your company and 'lust you'' thing but that depends on whether you do at this point in time.

 

How would you feel if he was no longer in your life at all?

 

Would it feel awful or a relief?

[Gaeta]

Thanks for your advice! (all of you)

 

It makes sense that he would be completely confused, like I said I loved him then suddenly Im unsure about everything. I hate the thought of him feeling sad and that his love isn't good enough.

 

I am not sure WHY I feel this way but I think I am just not as interested in him 24/7 as he seems to be.. I am bored of our long distance conversations, not by his company when were together or anything but in general, but there is no anticipation for me of seeing him, its just nice. His love is so sweet but it doesn't really bring out anything in me that makes me feel amazing, like it has with past bfs. He is quite insecure (but still outgoing) and I think that's why he constantly says sweet things but they are generic sweet things and have nearly lost their meaning.

 

It is horrible as I care about him and his feelings but we have to have a conversation.

 

When I read your first post I felt you just needed to speak to him about not progressing at the same speed but now that I've read this I am convinced you need to terminate this relationship. You appreciate him but you are nowhere near falling in love with him, and you never will. I think you need to set him free so he may find someone that will love him back. Four months is plenty of time to get the butterflies going especially that you are intimate. This is not it for you. It's no one's fault.

[Tayken]

Your bf is only setting himself up for failure...it's clear that the feelings aren't mutual (on the same level), and as we know...it's the one that loves the most that ends up getting hurt