LDR she isnt putting in as much effort, what do I do

[humanrevolution]

So im (male) 19 and she (female) is 19.

We got together over the summer, while working at a camp together. She went after me pretty hard, and I resisted her advances for a while. (I resisted because I had never done anything sexual before (even kissing) and wanted to get to know her before I did something) We spent a little under 2 months together really getting to know each other, being intimate, seeing/being with each other everyday, we even got to the "I love you".

 

She didnt want to do an LDR because of her last relationship she did LDR with this guy and it ended poorly. She told me she gets busy and forgetful, and I said I would but Im very bad at communication.

 

After camp we kept texing and she said it suprised her how much she missed me and wanted to be with me. We talked about it for a couple days and both decided we wanted to do a LDR. When we made that decision I made it clear that it wasnt something to be taken lightly, that if im going to be committed then im committed, and she agreed and said the same.

 

So in the last week she moved from her hometown (not mine) to another city for university and we havent been able to skype. so we have been texting mostly, with a quick phone call everyday.

My issue

I am just getting annoyed because I feel im putting in more effort than her (which is funny because she cares for me way more than I care for her).I am always asking her how she is whats up, keeping things interesting and she isn't doing so much. I want to tell her to ask me how my day is and things like that (show general interest), but I dont because I want her to do it because she wants to not because I asked/told her to.

 

Im not sure what to do because I know she loves/cares for me, and isnt ignoring me on purupose, she is just busy and has a lot going on (not crazy amounts but good amount going on). Any advice on what I should do, wait it out or say something?

[HeavenOrHell]

Maybe she knows you care way less for her than she does for you, so it makes her feel less inclined to make the effort

 

 

 

So im (male) 19 and she (female) is 19.

We got together over the summer, while working at a camp together. She went after me pretty hard, and I resisted her advances for a while. (I resisted because I had never done anything sexual before (even kissing) and wanted to get to know her before I did something) We spent a little under 2 months together really getting to know each other, being intimate, seeing/being with each other everyday, we even got to the "I love you".

 

She didnt want to do an LDR because of her last relationship she did LDR with this guy and it ended poorly. She told me she gets busy and forgetful, and I said I would but Im very bad at communication.

 

After camp we kept texing and she said it suprised her how much she missed me and wanted to be with me. We talked about it for a couple days and both decided we wanted to do a LDR. When we made that decision I made it clear that it wasnt something to be taken lightly, that if im going to be committed then im committed, and she agreed and said the same.

 

So in the last week she moved from her hometown (not mine) to another city for university and we havent been able to skype. so we have been texting mostly, with a quick phone call everyday.

My issue

I am just getting annoyed because I feel im putting in more effort than her (which is funny because she cares for me way more than I care for her).I am always asking her how she is whats up, keeping things interesting and she isn't doing so much. I want to tell her to ask me how my day is and things like that (show general interest), but I dont because I want her to do it because she wants to not because I asked/told her to.

 

Im not sure what to do because I know she loves/cares for me, and isnt ignoring me on purupose, she is just busy and has a lot going on (not crazy amounts but good amount going on). Any advice on what I should do, wait it out or say something?

[justwhoiam]

As she kind of made it clear she's so volatile, if I were you, I wouldn't put commitment in.

 

If she can shift her interest so quickly, what gives?

[justwhoiam]

Any advice on what I should do, wait it out or say something?

I wouldn't tell her. I'd want her to be spontaneous and not prompted about what to do or say.

[cerridwen]

I'm of the mind that if you want something, ask.

Let her know that when she inquires about your life, it feels good and some of that has been missing lately.

 

The conversation need not be confrontational. Try to communicate it in the spirit of understanding each other's needs--this happens to be one of yours.

 

Trust me, I think many of us can relate to wanting things expressed that are unsolicited.

But sometimes, you just gotta help a brother out and say what you need.

I wouldnt be shocked if it takes her by surprise that she HASN'T been asking.

Your well-being is likely very important to her. She jus sounds extremely busy.

[emi]

your ldr is going to fail, sorrily. Its very unstable since from the start, i went thru a ldr myself which got some kind of same symptons, mine failed badly, i suggest you to stop it before you waste more time

[humanrevolution]

Quick update*

 

Maybe she knows you care way less for her than she does for you, so it makes her feel less inclined to make the effort

 

I don't think she thinks I care less for her than she does for me, because I actively express my feeling, but the rare times she expresses hers I see how deep they are.

 

Anyways I had sent her a love letter with a momento of my mine. She received it yesterday and said it was nice, and that's about it. I'm hoping that maybe that will spring her into action. Maybe I should wait a couple days to see if it will galvinize her.

 

Perhaps I should decrease my communication, the amount I inciate communication with her, so she will have to be the one to start it?

If not one of those options I feel I'm just going to confront her (nicely, understandingly) about the issue

[Ronni_W]

I am always asking her how she is whats up, keeping things interesting and she isn't doing so much. I want to tell her to ask me how my day is and things like that (show general interest), but I dont because I want her to do it because she wants to not because I asked/told her to.

You're dealing with an emotionally selfish person whose interest is not so much in the well-being of others. She's not asking how you're doing, or how your day went because, at the end of the day, those things do not impact ON HER sense of well-being so it's not important or a high priority for her to know.

 

She loves and cares for you, yes. But how and why she does that is in context of what is it bringing into HER own life...not so much what is she contributing to yours. What she does and does not do, ultimately is about what benefits, rewards she might derive.

 

It's not about it being an LDR, or necessarily any lack of her ability to communicate...only that she communicates more for and about herself; what SHE needs, desires or wants to share about her life and/or life in general. It's a selfish, self-centred view. Otherwise, she'd be expressing an equal interest in your life, your day, how you're feeling about and coping with this, that and the other.

[GH3]

How do you know she cares for you more? What's your indication? It sounds like you care a whole lot more. But above all, who cares the most about who is really a game that a lot of couples play. It sounds like you are losing too. To me it sounds like you care about her a lot more than you think. And you have to lay out your expectations and how you feel or it won't work.

[humanrevolution]

How do you know she cares for you more? What's your indication? It sounds like you care a whole lot more. But above all, who cares the most about who is really a game that a lot of couples play. It sounds like you are losing too. To me it sounds like you care about her a lot more than you think. And you have to lay out your expectations and how you feel or it won't work.

 

I do care about her I just feel her level of care is larger than mine.

To me it seems like I get emotional in the moment, when Im with her. She gets emotional when she is not with me.

 

Her: She would say I miss you so much it hurts, and then go on about how she is in physical pain/discomfort. She would talk about missing and wanting to be with and around me, like holding her or being with her. That she would rather hang out with me more than whatever her current plans are.

 

Me: I dont miss her when im not with her, I dont think about her when im not actively doing something for her/relationship. but when we are together I enjoy her so much I cry.

[GH3]

I do care about her I just feel her level of care is larger than mine.

To me it seems like I get emotional in the moment, when Im with her. She gets emotional when she is not with me.

 

Her: She would say I miss you so much it hurts, and then go on about how she is in physical pain/discomfort. She would talk about missing and wanting to be with and around me, like holding her or being with her. That she would rather hang out with me more than whatever her current plans are.

 

Me: I dont miss her when im not with her, I dont think about her when im not actively doing something for her/relationship. but when we are together I enjoy her so much I cry.

 

You both seem kind of fickle, maybe she just tries not to think of you too much by keeping herself busy. You should both talk to eachother about how you feel so that you can get some closure.